Kinda always knew she’d end up your ex-friend with benefits
October 22, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
I hooked up with this chick at work a few times, and it was completely a friends with benefits type thing. Now she is calling me 24/7, showing up everywhere she knows I hang out, and telling everyone we’re together. She is like a walking girlfriend trap. What do I do?
Signed, Avoiding the Trap
Dear Avoidance,
You seem to have gotten yourself involved with a perplexing breed of girl; the type who equate sex with love. She cannot help it, she is not evolved. She most likely believes it is her womanly duty to settle down and mate with you. You probably give great pheromone.
But wait…something tells me you are not so innocent yourself. Were you honest and upfront from the very beginning with this little lass? Did you tell her this was strictly a casual sex type thing? I bet you didn’t. I am willing to wager that you have you simply been hooking up with the wee miss without explaining the parameters of the affair. You either assumed she was down with stand alone sex because that is what you yourself wanted, or you just didn’t care. Tsk, tsk.
Look, I know it’s difficult to imagine, but some people still believe in that old fashioned relationship stuff. If you weren’t clear on the fact that you were just in this for sexual gratification, she may be thinking she’s going to win you over eventually. And if you are hanging out with her, going places with her, etc, you are only further complicating the situation. That’s just rude.
You two just aren’t in it for the same reasons. Therefore, to continue down the road with her at this point would be leading her on or worse, using her at the expense of her feelings. Besides, it is also going to end up costing you…this is a co-worker! Do you want to set yourself up for chaos and drama in the workplace? I think even Abercrombie or Starbucks or wherever the hell your picking up your condom money is going to frown upon that kind of nonsense. And most likely she IS going to grow more and more needy and attached as time goes on. The world does not need another rabbit boiler…you need to nip this.
If you are into casual dating and casual sex, more power to you. I am certainly not condemning you for that. But you and I both know that this girl is not. I don’t care how good the sex is, end it and go find yourself an easier going “friend”, one that you EXPLAIN the parameters to pre-sex! Do it now, before this one burns you in effigy on your front lawn.
Love and Kisses,
Eve
When a friends with benefits scenario is one-sided, who is to blame? Should he have explained? Should she have not assumed? Or is the guilty even shared, socialist style? Have any of you been in a similar scenario? How did you handle it?
On 10/22/08 at 1:01 am
chomsky at the bit said:
“The world does not need a nother rabbit boiler”… I am perplexed and invigorated by my seeming inabilty to place this gem.
Well played.
On 10/22/08 at 1:31 am
Trista said:
Fatal Attraction. What are you, an 80’s baby or something?
And thank you. I think.
On 10/22/08 at 9:34 am
Eathan said:
Fatal Attraction still exists. They need to remake that movie. lol
On 10/22/08 at 11:42 am
Trista said:
::shiver::
On 10/22/08 at 1:37 am
chomsky at the bit said:
Ah yes, fatal attraction…I apologize for my paultry pop culture repitoir. My ability to robotically summons movie dialogue from the storehouse of my mind leaves a little to be disred. Thank god for you, dear lady.
And on a side note I like the word invigorate…using it, truly is invigorating.
On 10/22/08 at 1:55 am
SallyEve said:
I’m all for casual sex as long as the rules are made clear to me.
Sex SHOULD mean love…its been pushed on us since elementary…
Make it clear for me that we’re only talking when you or I want sex… I’m more then fine with that but I can’t read your mind.
On 10/22/08 at 1:56 am
Trista said:
Sally, you say you are all for casual sex and then you say sex SHOULD mean love…this land leaves me a wee bit confused.
Does this mean love is disposable to you? Or are you saying ideally sex and love should come in a neat little package because that is the propaganda that has been shoveled on our heads since childhood?
On 10/22/08 at 2:29 pm
Dr. Joker said:
I think it means the only way to solve his problem is a with a crucifix, garlic and a wooden stake.
I’m just sayin’.
On 10/22/08 at 2:09 am
Chris said:
“the propaganda that has been shoveled into our heads since childhood.”
ROFLMFAO! You have a gift for the visual, my dear. It brings to mind another elegant turn of phrase, though I can’t remember where I read it:
“You’ll never know the joys of having a dirty brain, because yours is washed often.”
On 10/22/08 at 2:12 am
Trista said:
Ha, I like that quote, Chris. Of course it doesn’t apply to me AT ALL… =P
On 10/22/08 at 4:31 am
Cassie said:
The parameters of the relationship should DEFINITELY have been discussed before hand. That is some thing I learned a LONG time ago!! It’s not fun having someone fall for you when you have no intention of returning those feelings….not fun for either party.
On 10/22/08 at 6:45 am
Trista said:
No, it isn’t fun for either party, fo sho. Especially if you are friends. I have known people who ended up in a relationship they really didn’t want to be in because they didnt want to crush a friend who had fallen for them. It doesn’t usually end well, from what I’ve seen.
On 10/22/08 at 5:21 am
Matt E. Warren said:
I don’t know. While you might be correct in your take, she just might be freaking nuts. I have had this type of affair looong ago and I was very up front and we were both in agreement initially, and she still went bat shit crazy.
I too must give good pheromones. Heh.
On 10/22/08 at 5:41 am
Matt E. Warren said:
Oh. And if my crazy as bat shit woman looks like the one in the photo, I’d tolerate it for much longer than if she looked like the remnants of an ingrown nail, which is usually the case. FYI.
On 10/22/08 at 5:45 am
Meghan said:
You Tarzan, she Jane.
On 10/22/08 at 6:50 am
Matt E. Warren said:
Whatever do you mean, Meghan?
On 10/22/08 at 6:49 am
Trista said:
perhaps you caused an oxytocin overdose!
On 10/22/08 at 5:44 am
Meghan said:
I agree. Dating around and casual sex isn’t a sin in my books, but nobody wants to be taken for a ride and then kicked out of the car.
On 10/22/08 at 6:38 am
Trista said:
EXACTLY!
On 10/22/08 at 6:29 am
~Lori~ said:
You can discuss before hand till the cows come home, but usually it doesn’t work. Even if you tell them it is a one time thing, they usually blow up your damn phone, I think it is the challenge more than anything when it is like that.
On the other hand, if you are trying to do the friends with benefit thing on a regular basis, I don’t believe in it, just because flat out… at least one person is going to get attached and want more, then ends up being hurt. It is a given.
Even though it is illegal in the US except obviously Nevada, think you are better off paying to get your needs met via payment. I’m sure I’m going to get blasted on this one ;p
On 10/22/08 at 6:36 am
Trista said:
In my younger days I had no problem with this type of arrangemt. Wasn’t sure why. Then j read that it is the release of oxytocin at orgasm that plays a big role in causing women to attach. Bam! Mystery solved.
On 10/22/08 at 6:38 am
~Lori~ said:
Ahhh, is that what it is? Lmao, that explains why I didn’t use the “L” word with my ex, until six months into it, happened to coincide with my first orgasm ever… hehehehe…(hey I was only 19 ;p )
On 10/22/08 at 6:54 am
Trista said:
ha! I’m telling you, I definitely think there is validity to this. We know how difficult is to find a great partner, so of course we want to attach when we find one! Supposedly it takes a couple times to really take affect though, if the article is to be believed, so if you have great sex with a man who is not likely to want a relationship, let it be just one great night! Take the orgasm and run!
On 10/22/08 at 6:41 am
Missygail said:
I think if a dude is after random sex, then he should go to the bar and pick up someone who is after the same thing, then lose her number.
Don’t pull a co-worked into your evil plans. You already have a working relationship with a co-worker. If you keep seeing her she’s bound to start thinking that she’s won you past your friends with benefits type of thinking.
On 10/22/08 at 6:47 am
Trista said:
yeah, messing around with a coworker is never smart, but casual sex betwixt coworkers? DISASTER.
But barflys can be a disaster too, they are often emotionally unstable and, you know, alcoholics.
Legalize prostitution! I kid, I kid.
On 10/22/08 at 6:55 am
Beks said:
absolutely. why would you bring that on yourself at work? job not stressful enough for ya? seperation of work and play should just be common sense. really, this calls for a post on the Bonehead of the Day award’s page
On 10/22/08 at 7:56 am
Trista said:
Most of the ‘Ask Eve’ peeps would qualify, I’d say.
Which reminds me, send in your questions to trista@eve-101.com…
=)
On 10/22/08 at 8:37 am
PJ said:
Hey! Barflys are people too.
On 10/22/08 at 9:17 am
Trista said:
Yep. But chicks that lurk in the bar waiting for men to take em home need love too, perhaps more than their sober sisters. So I don’t think they make for a clean and easy sexcapade, I’m just sayin’.
On 10/22/08 at 9:34 am
PJ said:
Geez. Everyone knows that you can’t love a barfly. You just enjoy the entertainment we, um, they provide.
On 10/22/08 at 9:56 am
Trista said:
I just shed a tear for barflies…okay, no I didn’t. but I felt like I might…for like a second.
On 10/23/08 at 2:08 pm
Heather said:
I agree with this wholeheartedly!!! There is a certain type of girl that is okay with this type of thing (no offense to anyone of you), and it is unfair to use someone who isn’t. Especially without being honest up front. I have many friends who are perfectly okay with this type of arrangement. Myself, I am not so good at it. So I avoid it.
On 10/22/08 at 7:16 am
Jacqueline said:
Back in the day when not everything a famous person said got into print, it was known among the press corps, but not the general public, that Clark Gable ( the Charlie Sheen of his day, but MUCH more A-list) preferred sex with hookers.
A reporter asked him ,off the record,”Gable, you could sleep with most of the women in America. Why do you PAY for sex?”
Gable: “I don’t pay for the sex. I pay them to go home.” And there, boys and girls, is one difference between men and women. Google it or read “The Pleasure Bond”: chicks are biologically hard-wired to start loving if the sex is good.
So, Avoiding, just try to be thoughtless, speedy and generally bad in the sack.
Which still won’t help if she’s Velcro.
On 10/22/08 at 7:29 am
Phoenix said:
So, I wonder if hookers don’t have orgasms? Or if they do, how they manage to avoid the chemical reacation referenced above?
Food for thought…
On 10/22/08 at 7:54 am
Trista said:
That IS a really good question. Pornstars too…hmmm…
On 10/22/08 at 8:28 am
PJ said:
It’s 20% off if they have an orgasm. At least, that’s what my friend told me.
On 10/22/08 at 2:34 pm
Dr. Joker said:
Thoughtless and a 3 pump chump!
EXCELLENT ADVICE!
On 10/22/08 at 8:01 am
Carol said:
oh my….the whole oxytocin explanation to a certain connection is replaying in my brain right now. to answer the above questions about hookers and porn stars…i think it’s because orgasms are not “one size fits all”. i think the best, most intense orgasms come from sensing or feeling more connected than the casual-everday-kinda orgasm. just my two cents.
both parties must be clear, honest and communicate where they stand at different intervals. the longer something goes on, perhaps it does get more complicated.
oy. i didn’t need to think of this today!
On 10/22/08 at 9:23 am
Trista said:
I really do think that there aren’t many people out there that can have a sex-only relationship for an extended period of time. Not unless the episodes are few and far between and there is NO other relation. Having a really close friend that you have sex with and calling in casual? Aren’t you just kidding yourself in that scenario? I mean, what is a relationship if it’s not a close friendship with sex??
On 10/22/08 at 10:47 am
Carol said:
I just spit out my drink!
What about this…two friends agree they are the best of friends, they have the best of sex, they both agree they are in a relationship (of some sort!) …but one side just can’t get or agree to the “in a relationship” part? See…that is where things get fuzzy. Confusing.
I think a big part of it is that some people…men and women alike…fear certain words. Or, more specifically, the things they negatively attach in their minds about those words. They can say “relationship” but “love” gives ‘em the hee-bee-jee-bees. or vice versa.
This was really the worst possible day for me to be thinking about this subject. Bend over and pretend I spanked you, k?
On 10/22/08 at 11:13 am
Cassie said:
I know this has nothign to do with the blog….but I miss you!
Ok–that’s all!
On 10/22/08 at 11:55 am
Carol said:
I miss you, too. Texts and phone calls from the interstate are NOT enough!!!!
Yes, Eve-101 friends and family….there is tons of love here!
On 10/22/08 at 2:36 pm
Dr. Joker said:
And yet, no video of this love on YouTube.
‘Tis a cruel world we live in.
On 10/22/08 at 8:27 am
PJ said:
“I hooked up with this chick” That right there alludes to the fact that this is one of them coyote ugly situations. She’s obviously not a worthy showpiece. Otherwise, asshead here would’ve phrased it differently. I also have problems with the “hooked up” part of this because it means either I’m too old, or this guy is too young. Furthermore, I’m willing to bet that 24/7 isn’t the right description. Her calling/showing up probably is just often enough to cockblock dude’s chance at “hooking up” with other girls, which sucks, but ultimately was brought on him, by him. Lastly, this girl is all kinds of wrong too, because even though she might not know better, she should seek better.
On 10/22/08 at 9:24 am
Trista said:
I think he fell for the new girl at the mall and so now old chick is cramping his style.
I just dated myself with that phrase I know. Sigh.
On 10/22/08 at 9:32 am
PJ said:
Yep. He probably just couldn’t resist the Cinnabon smell. Well, at least I can’t
On 10/22/08 at 10:00 am
Trista said:
I would probably do some dirty things for a decent Starbucks discount these days myself.
IamkiddingBdon’thateme!
On 10/22/08 at 10:03 am
PJ said:
Great. Now some Starbucks Dweeb in Texas is going to get the shit kicked out of him for no good reason. Way to go.
On 10/22/08 at 8:45 am
WickedCourtni said:
Can someone say PSYCHO???
Good lord.
There are only a few ways to handle this situation without ending up on a bathtub date with her hair dryer.
I say you call her out. Humiliate her ass. If she is telling people that you are together, then she needs to learn how to reciprocate the bullshit.
I would tell her straight up that you dont appreciate her dishonest and shady ways, and that the fling is now over with.
The nicer you are the clingier she will get.
On 10/22/08 at 9:20 am
Trista said:
Wow, Court, you put all the weight on the clingy chick, huh? I agree, she’s most likely a wee bit nutters. But doesn’t he deserve some heat too? He did after all let it get to this point without putting things in check.
On 10/22/08 at 9:53 am
WickedCourtni said:
I didnt get that from what he said. However, you are correct, boys lie.
If he told her he loved her while her mouth was on his cock, then shame shame boy.
But my take from reading was it was a friendfuck. She should have been smarter than that.
On 10/22/08 at 9:59 am
Trista said:
Just from the wording of the message, I put these two in the late teens to eaaaarly 20 set. So the girl is probably naive. And the guy is probably a dog. Just my opinion. Those years can be ugly…I know I carry more than one scar from that time period.
On 10/22/08 at 10:25 am
WickedCourtni said:
See, not me.
I dont know why, but I never really got attached like that to someone who wasnt that in to me. I got the picture that it was strictly sex. Or, I was the one talking the “look, lets not make it any harder than it is” with the dumbass I was trying to fuck.
So my tolerance for the naive is little to none.
But, I am finding that I am an oddball when it comes to the womenfolk, and I tend to offend them, especially when I dont show them the sympathy they feel they deserve for not seeing it coming.
On 10/22/08 at 10:34 am
Trista said:
I tend to try not to judge others for their shortcomings myself, especially, especially emotional ones. Because we never know where someone is coming from…what they have gone through, what things they carry. I dunno, I’m not perfect by any means, but I do try to stop and realize that this person in front of me may seem (fill in rude adjective here) but to them I may seem ( fill in another one here). There is a lot of perspective when it comes to the shape of our realities. This girl may have been raised her entire life to believe that sex IS a way that people express love…it is hard to erase 18 solid years of programming. Who knows? That is why to me it is better to not assume that someone has the same experiences and perspective as you, and to just go ahead and lay out expectations at the get-go. This guy could have told this girl, “just sex” at any time and she could have then made her choice.
And that is the loooong ass version of why I was harder on him then her. Well, that and he wrote in. =P
On 10/22/08 at 10:41 am
WickedCourtni said:
I agree on nixing the judgment… and I try very hard not to. But honestly, I am really hard on women. I think that playing the victim is really pathetic (only in situations where a woman is constantly finding herself played… not in TRUE victim situations)
I love that you and I differ in the “being harder on” aspect. It is what makes us US… you know?
I appreciate your brain, and thought process and insight and wisdom that you possess.
On 10/22/08 at 10:49 am
Carol said:
and admit it, you’ve had some courtni crush on her, too! lol
On 10/22/08 at 10:50 am
WickedCourtni said:
well duh, who wouldnt want to make out with trista?
On 10/22/08 at 11:37 am
Trista said:
Awww, right back at ya, Courtni.
On 10/22/08 at 11:56 am
Carol said:
it’s just nice to hear sometimes, ya know? huh, go figure…..maybe, just maybe…I am projecting a bit of my own personal issues right now! lol
On 10/22/08 at 12:08 pm
Trista said:
Nice to hear, yea, but it would be even nicer to have! I need some quality make-out time, dammit!
On 10/22/08 at 12:38 pm
WickedCourtni said:
ditto.
On 10/22/08 at 12:44 pm
Karri said:
I can drop Lil off on my way to the homestead if you need me to.
I’m just sayin’
On 10/22/08 at 12:53 pm
Cassie said:
RAWR!!!!!LOL
On 10/22/08 at 2:38 pm
Dr. Joker said:
“I would tell her straight up that you dont appreciate her dishonest and shady ways…”
Yes, I think Paula Abdul would have handled it the same way.
On 10/22/08 at 3:33 pm
Trista said:
No one likes to be caught in a hit and run.
On 10/22/08 at 4:47 pm
Meghan said:
He’s a cold hearted snake…!
On 10/22/08 at 5:17 pm
Matt said:
Look into his eyes…. uh oh…
On 10/22/08 at 10:45 am
Karl Rove said:
I’ve got no problem with people being friends with benefits. I’m sure it works for a lot of people. But sometimes it’s just best to avoid it. It’s hard to tell who’s guilty because we don’t know if he told her what the extent of the relationship would be or if she knew and just doesn’t want to follow what they agreed upon.
Also, Meghan, what’s the link to your Myspace profile so I can add you to my friends list again.
On 10/22/08 at 11:41 am
Trista said:
Very good point, Mr. Rove. We don’t know how clear he has been. I did, in effect, judge the young lad.
But he does know she’s not into it, so he needs to get real and end it.