Learning To Look Before I Leap
May 19, 2008 · Print This Article
“I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.”
~Louisa May Alcott
Why is it that we jump into love like a joyful child, but crawl out of it like a wounded animal? Even if you were the one to hand out the walking papers instead of the one to receive them, it is still a painfully slow and laborious process.
We question our decision. We doubt our ability to love and be loved. We are unsure of our worth. We wonder if that person was just a mistake. We wonder if we were the mistake.
Perhaps part of the difficulty of a breakup is the fact that you are admitting defeat. You are telling the world that once again, you failed at love. You tried, but it just wasn’t good enough.
And even more excruciating than the agony of defeat is the recognition of the transience of love itself. It is frightening to acknowledge its fragility; it is discouraging to accept that sometimes it has an expiration date.
It seems that perhaps it is easier for some to believe that the love wasn’t true to begin with than it is to believe that it could have failed to last forever. Because if it WAS love, true love, and it still did not work…what’s the point? Why go though this disappointment ever again?
It’s so much easier to convince yourself that you made some sort of blunder..this individual wasn’t “the one” after all. The soft words they whispered into your ear, the laughs you shared, the smiles, the kisses, the caresses; all were false. Then once you have devalued all that you shared you can get angry at this person who deceived you and cheated you out of weeks, months, even years of your life.
Because this is much easier than turning that finger around at yourself, right? Or worse, at love itself.
Yes…it is easier, if you want to keep repeating the pattern. However, if you want to shake loose of the rotation of different faces, same dances, you have to face your truths.
Me? I have grown tired of this same old tattered track. I long to stretch my legs in wide open spaces…ones that aren’t going to loop around to that old familiar finish line.
I am facing my own mistakes and shortcomings, as I make my way towards a new path; a path that I cannot currently see the beginning or the end of. It is enough for me to know that it’s out there…and when I am ready it shall be there…waiting for me.
And I love that.
Happy Monday, my friends and loved ones. I hope this day finds you on a path to wonderful things. Do you have any lessons learned from breakups that you would like to share? I’d love it if you would…
On 05/19/08 at 3:31 am
lisaq said:
Bingo! It’s a learning curve. Facing our own truths is a difficult thing but a fabulously rewarding one as we learn and grow. The path will reveal itself as you go! Enjoy the journey!
On 05/19/08 at 6:25 am
Trista said:
It was frightening at first, but yes…the rewards are great.
Thanks for stopping by, Lisa…always nice to see you.
On 05/19/08 at 4:07 am
Carol said:
Wow. After six months of “perfection”, BOOM, my most recent relationship was gone. No explanation other than he wasn’t ready, after all. I refuse to devalue all we shared, but working through some anger and loss is part of the growing process, yes? I am where I am because of where I’ve been. I’ve heard that, about a bajillion times.
On 05/19/08 at 6:28 am
Trista said:
Working through anger is necessary, absolutely. It is blaming I speak out against. Because if you are forever blaming the other person for your failed relationships, you are giving up not only your power but also your ability to ever play an active role in necessitating change. Am I making sense here? I didn’t get much sleep!
On 05/19/08 at 6:32 am
Carol said:
You make PERFECT sense. Being angry applies to the “other”, ourselves and the situation, in general. When I migrate from “how the fuck could he do that to me” to something more like “it wasn’t personal against me, it was a personal choice for himself”…that is progress. It does NOT make anger dissapear, but it DOES dissipate. For now, that must be good enough.
On 05/19/08 at 6:39 am
Trista said:
That’s the trouble with healing. It takes time…and fuuuuuck…it itches!
On 05/19/08 at 7:26 am
PJ said:
um, that might be something else.
On 05/19/08 at 7:48 am
Trista said:
Nuh uh. This is psychological itching…
On 05/19/08 at 7:56 am
PJ said:
Do they have a psychological cream for that?
On 05/19/08 at 8:07 am
Karri said:
Yep, it’s called therapy…hours upon hours of very expensive “cream”.
On 05/19/08 at 8:33 am
PJ said:
Most of the stuff that people go to therapy for nowadays, can be taken care of with a slap or too.
On 05/19/08 at 8:38 am
Kevin M. said:
“Most”? Meh… that’s a bit presumptuous, no?
On 05/19/08 at 8:49 am
PJ said:
Aren’t “most” opinions presumptuous?
On 05/19/08 at 9:04 am
Kevin M. said:
I don’t think so. I mean, there are a ton of opinions thrown around in this world that are DEFINITELY uneducated and therefore presumptuous. But that shouldn’t be our goal, by any means, right?
On 05/19/08 at 9:15 am
Trista said:
But an excessively forward opinion is not necessarily always an uneducated one, is it?
On 05/19/08 at 9:18 am
Kevin M. said:
Not at all. Some of the most brilliant opinions/statements EVER were purely spontaneous and without “education” on the subject. Hence “insight”, “intuition”, “foresight”, etc.
On 05/19/08 at 9:39 am
Chris said:
“Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.”
.
or, as an ex of mine once said…
.
“I can think of us and smile… and that’s a wonderful way to have it.”
On 05/19/08 at 9:42 am
Karri said:
AMEN!!!
On 05/19/08 at 6:01 am
Cassie said:
No lessons learned from MY break-ups, seeing as I’ve never really been in a serious relationship. I have learned alot from watching friends and family go thru all this though!
On 05/19/08 at 6:29 am
Trista said:
Someday, Cass…you’ll jump in. You don’t want to go through your whole life without swimming around in the love-muck with another person, now do ya??
On 05/19/08 at 6:50 am
Cassie said:
MAYBE….haven’t met a guy yet that made me want to change my mind about it all!! LOL
On 05/19/08 at 6:54 am
Trista said:
You are a looker, not a leaper. And this is probably saving you from a whole lot of heartache…
But! You never know!
On 05/19/08 at 7:32 am
Kevin M. said:
And DAYUM does all this leaping hurt. A lot!
On 05/19/08 at 7:44 am
Cassie said:
hence, the reason I keep my feet firmly on the ground!!!!
On 05/19/08 at 8:36 am
Kevin M. said:
Booorrrrrriiinnngggg. Sure you get both extremes, but you almost HAVE to in hopes of one of those positives sticking for good.
On 05/19/08 at 7:46 am
Karri said:
The good news is…broken hearts will always mend. There may be a bit of scar tissue lingering about, but it’s not like we’re never going to fall in love again!
On 05/19/08 at 7:48 am
Trista said:
Ah, the beauty of love amnesia!
On 05/19/08 at 7:55 am
Karri said:
She shoots.
She scores!
On 05/19/08 at 6:52 am
Carol said:
On a perfectly unrelated note… I keep getting stuck on the oddly shaped big toes of the Red Shoe Woman.
On 05/19/08 at 6:55 am
Karri said:
Oh, now you went and did it. I was totally doing “fine” with this post until you remind me of the “Bubbly Toes” song. Thanks. A lot!
On 05/19/08 at 9:04 am
Carol said:
Just one of the many services I offer.
On 05/19/08 at 9:06 am
Kevin M. said:
Could I get a menu, please?
On 05/19/08 at 12:46 pm
Carol said:
If it were only THAT simple…how much easier things could be if life, love and romance were offered a la carte.
On 05/19/08 at 6:54 am
Sarahh said:
When I go through a break up, I go through the following
blaming myself
blaming him
blaming anyone
remembering that I am ok on my own
drink too much
remember that sucks
start to remember how to be alone again
see him with someone else
want to set him on fire
search for marshmallows
remember he isn’t worth jail time
go see a good movie
take a hot bath
get a pedicure with a friend
have ONE drink
Read a book
breathe
begin to heal…
On 05/19/08 at 6:56 am
Trista said:
My pattern is quite similar, actually. Except I watch the movie at home…I don’t like to bawl in public.
On 05/19/08 at 7:04 am
Karri said:
My break-up process has changed over the years. No more “short skirt girl” for this girl!
On 05/19/08 at 7:08 am
Trista said:
I have definitely retired my inner short skirt girl.
She never really made me feel better anyway.
On 05/19/08 at 7:30 am
Karri said:
No, perhaps not. But damn was she fun and good times!
On 05/19/08 at 7:49 am
Trista said:
Yeah…for EVERYONE watching especially.
On 05/19/08 at 9:00 am
Rex said:
I ALWAYS MISS OUT ON THIS SHIT. ugh.
…in this case, however, I may not have been born yet. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP. I done went there.
On 05/19/08 at 9:16 am
Trista said:
My short skirt retired after the 2005 / 2006 hunting season. You were around…
On 05/19/08 at 9:20 am
Kevin M. said:
Big game cats?
On 05/19/08 at 9:27 am
PJ said:
Donkey?
On 05/19/08 at 9:28 am
Rex said:
Rooster?
On 05/19/08 at 9:35 am
Karri said:
Wild boars.
On 05/19/08 at 9:45 am
Kevin M. said:
Ahhh… guys in bars. Gotcha.
On 05/19/08 at 11:14 am
Trista said:
Worse. Guys from match.com that I met up with in bars.
On 05/19/08 at 11:23 am
Karri said:
I’ve got one…
The match.com guy that you meet at a bar who throws a drink on you and then breaks into your house!
Now that’s just fun and good times right there!
On 05/19/08 at 11:30 am
Rex said:
Jesus. I can only imagine what those eHarmony rejects on Chemistry.com are like then…
On 05/19/08 at 11:31 am
Sarahh said:
Goats? Did someone say they were hunting goats?
Don’t leave me out, for the love!
On 05/19/08 at 12:07 pm
PJ said:
You too should just give up on match.com and marry each other. I heard that’s legal there now.
On 05/19/08 at 12:09 pm
PJ said:
Too, two, to, tu, 2, II. Whatever.
On 05/19/08 at 12:18 pm
Karri said:
If only Trista could grow a penis and too, two, to tu, 2 or II balls.
On 05/19/08 at 12:50 pm
Trista said:
Not likely, sister. Me likey my girl parts.
On 05/19/08 at 6:54 am
Sarahh said:
The odd thing is, I must add…
I felt better about myself after this process. EVERY time. Remembering how great I am on my own. Learning from mistakes I made, he made, etc.
THAT to me is the best part of the dance…
On 05/19/08 at 6:57 am
Trista said:
Absolutely. And I suppose that is part of my point…if you don’t look at things with an open mind and heart afterwards, you aren’t going to learn shit. And then, what’s the point?
On 05/19/08 at 7:28 am
Kevin M. said:
This has been my core feelings, too. While I have CERTAINLY learned a lot about “the little things” that are important between lovers (the things we tend to forget, ignore, or were otherwise clueless about in the first place)… I’ve come out of almost all of them knowing in my heart that while I may have made mistakes, I definitely put my all into it. And you know what? There is some blame that I refuse to let go of… because, dammit, they DID fuck things up. Period. Now, I don’t go around hating them (anymore)… or dwelling on the negativity of it all. I do (eventually) remember more of the great stuff we shared. Problem with that is, those are the things that allow her to creep back into my daily thoughts. So many great things remind me of those happy times and how great it was that we connected on that particular issue. And that, to me, is when the hurting is the worst. Yes, I’ve “moved on”. But I’ll never forget things that were so important to me once.
On 05/19/08 at 7:53 am
Trista said:
You keep carrying around that blame and you are going to end up a lonely old man…with a hunchback.
Just sayin’
On 05/19/08 at 8:31 am
Kevin M. said:
Read closer. I have no hatred… I don’t dwell on the negativity… I MOSTLY remember the positives. But if you caught your sig other cheating on you… are you telling they should STOP being at fault at some point?
On 05/19/08 at 8:36 am
Trista said:
My ex husband did cheat on me…in my own bed…with my children a room away.
But I don’t think there needs to be blame or fault carried around…because if you are holding onto all that it makes it hard to pick up the lessons that are undoubtedly there, underneath the mess of sadness, guilt, pain, anger, etc.
I actually accept my part in the debacle. I have forgiven him, I have forgiven myself and I have given my marriage the proper burial it deserved.
On 05/19/08 at 8:58 am
Kevin M. said:
Agreed. But we’re talking about two different things. I don’t “carry around” anything. And I have certainly admitted, acknowledged, and attempted to never repeat my OWN mistakes. When I talk about blame, whether my own or someone else’s, I’m talking about the acknowledgment that someone made a mistake, or just something horribly bad and malicious. And usually, in the event of breaking up something so seemingly wonderful, it has to be a pretty fucking big deal. And that fact, will never go away. It is, in fact, fact. Am I ignoring other underlying or hidden reasons for the break-up? No. There are/were definitely a handful of those. But the “deal-breaker” was a blatant act in direct conflict with something we had already discussed and dealt with early on in the relationship. She did it purposely… probably to sabotage the relationship in some way. There truly was ZERO reason for it, after all. So yeah… she WILL be forever at fault for doing that. And that’s what I mean by blame.
On 05/19/08 at 9:38 am
sarahh said:
Wanna know how I found out?
Husband 35
Cheatee 17
She was caught introducing him and my infant son as HERS to several people.
That is how I found out.
I don’t hate him anymore though, I just feel bad for his new wife and the new baby coming in october that will forever link her to him.
To be young again…
On 05/19/08 at 10:05 am
Karri said:
“I just feel bad for his new wife and the new baby coming in october that will forever link her to him.”
I’m confused… Is the cheatee the one who’s pregers?
On 05/19/08 at 10:47 am
Trista said:
Wait…please don’t tell me those are actual AGES??!
Blech.
On 05/19/08 at 11:27 am
Sarahh said:
Ok, sorry let me clarify.
I was a bit off on the ages.
When I was married, at the end, my husband was 32. He was seeing a 17 year old HS girl. She was going around to her parents, friends, etc. telling people that Pat was HER husband and Noah was HER son. Noah was 7 months at the time. All of this would occur when they were all togeter. UNbenownst (SP?) to me.
Found out.
He is now 35 with a 23 year old. They married last year. She is 4 months preggers.
God it is great to be me. Well it is now.
On 05/19/08 at 11:29 am
Sarahh said:
Oh, and he may have knocked up a girl about 3 years ago too. Everyone involved refuses to test.
Kid looks just like him.
Wow, I can pick em huh????
:-))
On 05/19/08 at 11:32 am
Trista said:
Wowza.
I am sorry, but if some little girl was walking around calling my baby her own, violence would ensue.
Remind me to tell the story some time of when my then 3 year old asked me who the black haired lady was that was in my bed. “Daddy said it was you with a wig on, but it didn’t look like you, mommy…”
Uh huh.
On 05/19/08 at 11:55 am
Sarahh said:
I swear. Thank God we have grown and seen the error of our ways..
At least GOD I hope I have…
On 05/19/08 at 8:39 am
Carol said:
Ahhh….see, just before your statement of “NOT” hating them… you write “There is some blame that I refuse to let go of… because, dammit, they DID fuck things up. Period” I think Miss T was just saying that blame, in general, will weigh you down. I don’t think it’s about stopping the fact or changing the fact “they” were to blame (and trust me, I’m so with you on this one)…but it’s about acceptance and moving forward with the lesson learned (not ANY blame) carried in your heart. I could be wrong, and if so, I’m sure T will correct me. But, that was MY impression from your comment and her subsequent reply.
On 05/19/08 at 8:41 am
Trista said:
Yes’m. Thank you. =)
On 05/19/08 at 8:44 am
Carol said:
*laughing* It appears that I commented after you…while I was typing away at EXACTLY the same moment. Poor beardless Kevin is getting simultaneous attention to his comment. Probably NOT the kind of simulataneous attention most men desire!
On 05/19/08 at 9:02 am
Kevin M. said:
No it’s cool. We’re just talking about two sides of the phrase “to blame”. I agree that it’s bad to hold onto it, constantly think it, and forever finger point. But that’s not what I’m doing. I HAVE moved on. And I don’t hate her for what she did. Just the opposite… most of me is thankful for it and made me realize she, in fact, WASN’T who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’ll always thank her for that.