Loathe Thy Neighbor
September 2, 2008 · Print This Article
It can often take a miracle to locate the seemingly perfect neighborhood. A quiet suburbia locale with immaculately manicured lawns, awe inspiring views, and perfectly pressed citizens who pride themselves on their humble abodes. A community that would cause Stepford wives to hang their heads in shame by the baked goods and well mannered offspring that reside behind rose bushes and plantation shutters on Utopia Way. Finding such a gem is like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow…or is it?
Although we can choose where to dwell, we can’t choose those who inhabit our vicinity. Unfortunately, most communities don’t come with a warning label that you may inadvertently find yourself living within an ear shot of domestic violence or the never-ending frat party. Not to be outdone by some of my personal favorites: The Anti Pooper Scooper, The Trash Nazi, The Amateur Knife Thrower and the creator of The Dickmobile.
Home is where the heart is, except when besieged by unruly, rude neighbors, in which case heartburn and heartache will ultimately reign supreme. Surely one would realize that being cordial to those who stroll along the same sidewalks would be at the very least polite. What is not neighborly however is having unknown cars towed and dialing 911 to report a disturbance before you’ve even unloaded your 1973 child abduction minivan! Such impetuous actions will do nothing more than cause turf wars, and there are those who are just itching to go to battle with ill-mannered newcomers.
Like a lioness stalking her prey, I’ve been keeping a close eye on the resident snitch since his arrival. Within days he’d managed to peak my curiosity with his collection of hundreds upon hundreds of white office storage boxes that were suddenly lining my adjoining driveway. Q-Ball doesn’t appear to be the accountant type or one who would be so organized as to keep every receipt and tax record since he acquired his work permit. As a matter of fact, he more closely resembles someone who’s just been released on parole. What could possibly be in all of those boxes? Body parts, souvenirs from his victims, excess license plates, perhaps?
And then along came Saturday and the mystery was solved.
Startled awake by the rumblings of unknown voices, I was shocked to find that my quaint little cottage had become a parking lot that likened the border crossing into Tijuana. Blurry-eyed and without an ounce of coffee, I could barely ascertain the likes of what appeared to be strangers rummaging through the unmarked mystery boxes. My inquisitive nature had reached maximum capacity…what could Hannibal Lecter Jr. possibly be in possession of that the habitual garage sale goer would find of interest?
Upon closer inspection it is more probable than not, that my neighborhood peddler is of the illegal kind…more specifically, one who has hijacked a 99 cent store. Not only is the suspected former Property of the State selling off his goods that “didn’t cost him a thing,” but he’s chosen to pawn off his hefty assortment of panty pads, toothbrushes, shampoo, razors, body wash, Pringles and Nutri-Grain bars all for the low-low price of 1 dollar each.
Now, being a glass half-full kind of gal I’m reaching deep to find the upside to my newly acquired resident flea market. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I will no longer be burdened with the chore of stocking my Emergency Preparedness Kit. Seriously, I’ve decided that if there’s an earthquake, I’ll simply loot the looter! As an added bonus, with his stock of Depends, running water to flush the toilet won’t be an issue either.
Needless to say, I’d welcome back The Peeping Tom with a fresh basket of homemade cookies, a glass of warm milk and open curtains…at least he didn’t disturb my sleep or plan to pay his rent with a monthly swap meet!
Am I the only one living amongst questionable characters, or do you reside on Perfection Place? Is Nosey Nelly your neighbor or do you fear walking the dog after dark? And most importantly, who’s watching your neighborhood watch?
On 09/1/08 at 7:49 pm
Trista said:
I was just telling B the other night that I hate the fact that I am afraid of walking my dog after dark in this neighborhood o mine.
And she’s a big-ass dog too…for the record.
On 09/1/08 at 8:54 pm
Karri said:
There aren’t too many fears that rank higher than that of your own hood. We should all feel safe and secure without the threat of convicted felons and societal degenerates!
One day you will both roam free.
On 09/2/08 at 2:59 am
Jody said:
Now we have no problems with any of our neighbors, but before it was ridiculous lol. When you have to leave your apartment in the middle of the day on a weekend so your kids don’t get a contact high, and the cops don’t really do anything because that’s not enough evidence to go on and there are three apartments it could be.. yeah we got out of there quick.
On 09/2/08 at 5:47 am
Karri said:
My level of tolerance is pretty high, but I can’t imagine how over-protective I’d be if whipper snappers were involved. Good move, girl!
On 09/2/08 at 3:27 am
Carol said:
I’ve been lucky…my last “not so great” neighbors were six years ago. A perfect neighborhood would never work for me. I like imperfections. Not swap meets, but imperfections!!!
On 09/2/08 at 5:50 am
Karri said:
“Perfect” is subjective, no? I would assume that you’d want your kiddos to have a perfectly safe place to play or a “perfect” school district, if those were attainable options wouldn’t you?
On 09/2/08 at 5:43 pm
Carol said:
Absolutely…the ONLY reason I have set myself up to have to move twice in less than twelve months is to keep my kids in their school!
On 09/2/08 at 3:30 am
Meghan said:
Oh man!
I live on the ‘Freedom Trail’ in Boston, so we get riddled with tourists all day, every day. They’re pretty tame. We do have a somewhat famed Pub up the street from us, and when that lets out - there’s no telling what kind of characters will be clamoring past my 1st floor window.
Our block is actually fairly quaint and clean cut, outside of 2 elements. I do worry about the last house down…shady lady on cell phone all the time, always on her porch, always walking around looking out for cars coming down the street. She’s creepy!
Then of course we have ‘The Hog’ - man on extremely loud motorcycle who has acted like my alarm clock the last year and a half. It’s clockwork, every morning the easy rider rumbles down the street, we hate him.
On 09/2/08 at 5:54 am
Karri said:
Oh No! If I’m not careful I might turn into shady lady…ha!
I get the bar traffic too. I’ve even considered putting a recycle bin on my front lawn during holiday weekends….GRRR!
On 09/2/08 at 10:36 am
Meghan said:
Not as shady as this lady…she’s more of a “I-need-a-fix real bad-and-I’m-never-too-old-or-too -modern-to-stop-wearing-tight-jean-short-cut-offs.”
If that’s a type…it is now!
The bar traffic after any Boston Sports team plays, win or lose and I’m always waiting for a fight outside my window.
On 09/2/08 at 10:58 am
Karri said:
I believe the term you’re looking for is “Crack Whore.”
On 09/2/08 at 3:46 am
kiki said:
Oh god, the hog. How I’ve missed that particular dawn’s crack rumble of joy.
I have lived in some interesting neighbourhoods. Back at law school I lived less than 200 feet from the Sheffield United football (soccer to you Americans) ground. So once or twice a week we’d be engulfed in drunken fans, using our front wall as a convenient piss-stop. After each game my housemates and I would take it in turns to go and bleach the living hell out of the wall or it would stink!!!
Another neighbourhood I’ve lived in was waaaaaay different. A five storey, gorgeously antiqued Victorian townhouse in a very posh area of West London. I lived there as a live in nanny for over 2 years. Aside from the lack of anything resembling a life, due to my 72 hour working week, it was so nice to live in a beautiful house where the housekeeper changed my bedsheets twice a week!
Funnily enough though, I knew and liked more of my neighbours up in Sheffield than I did in London. They were less pretentious and more open. I could go to them if I ran out of anything, or had a problem. My London neighbours were either never home, leaving the children with the nannies, or they locked themselves tightly into their not-so-humbleabodes for fear of being burgled.
On 09/2/08 at 5:56 am
Karri said:
Kiki, I love your stories! You’ve lived quite the colorful life.
It’s good to know that our friends across the pond have poor potty manners also, but WTF is wrong with people?!
On 09/2/08 at 6:58 pm
kiki said:
Exactly. Beer reduces a persons dignity and common sense in pintly increments.
Which is why I ought to know better than to think 5 of them won’t affect me!!! I have yet to drink so much that the front wall of a house looks like a convenient place to spend tinkle time though. Behind trees or a car, yes. Someones front wall as they are looking out of their window while they laugh at you, nope. Desperation also decreases ones dignity LOL.
On 09/2/08 at 6:04 am
Sarahh said:
*As heard from MY bathroom from neighbor bathroom*
Well, if you would stop using all of the coke and start selling it I would feel better about carrying around your baby*
Luckily they weren’t there too long. I have been lucky. I have had some pretty decent neighbors, but my neighborhood in general has gone downhill lately.
On 09/2/08 at 6:30 am
Karri said:
You could hear into your neighbors bathroom which would mean that they could hear what was going on in yours too?
HELL NO! I would spontaneously combust!
On 09/2/08 at 10:00 am
Sarahh said:
Well, it was one of those things “What is all that muffled shouting??” *ear to wall* that statement, then I just went and made sure my car was locked…
That was 6 years ago. Normally my neighbors are good folk. Just the neighborhood has gone a bit downhill, and I am only left with one neighbor and they are leaving!!!
On 09/2/08 at 10:32 am
Karri said:
I’m such a nosey neighbor and I don’t even feel guilty about it. Although every once in a while I realize that if I can hear them, they can do the same. WHOOPSIE!
On 09/2/08 at 12:13 pm
Sarahh said:
Yeah, I never thought about what they saw or heard.
Self absorbed, yes yes I am . Cause it is all about me. Bwahahaha…
God knows, they probably think I am insane!!!
On 09/2/08 at 12:49 pm
Karri said:
My office (where I spend entirely too much time) has a window that’s always open and faces my neighbor’s driveway. Between editing show clips and phone conversations, I can only imagine what they overhear while washing their cars. They being 3 bachelors!
On 09/2/08 at 6:57 am
Razor said:
I have “Creepy Guy” who walks by my house VERY slowly and stares like his mama never taught him it’s rude. He’s the only person in town I actively encourage my Rottweiler to bark at. He’s also the only person in town who makes me want to lock my doors during daylight hours.
On 09/2/08 at 7:18 am
Karri said:
My Rott took a bite out of someone once…she was a very good judge of character! I’d say with your pooch around you needn’t worry much about locking the doors.
On 09/2/08 at 10:50 am
Meghan said:
My last apartment building was us in one unit, our 75 yr old greek landlord, his wife and 36yr old daughter next to us, and downstairs their 40 yr old daughter with her family.
The entire f-ing family was WEIRD! Downstairs, the older daughter had an arranged marriage with a Greek man they had shipped over. She was, I hate to say it…but pretty unsightly.
Plus, the landlord’s wife was always cooking crazy food and smelling our side up like cabbage! We didn’t leave on good terms. I had the electricity turned off on our unit after we left (with warning him 2 wks ahead) and it screwed up his ancient wiring system, had to have it replaced.
Ex roomie went back to check on any mail that wasn’t forwarded and the landlord came running out yelling:
“That-ah bitch-ah Meghan! She broke-ah my house-ah!!”
Sorry - felt like telling that story!
On 09/2/08 at 11:03 am
Jime said:
Sounds like your landlord was Super Mario. Maybe you could pay for the damages in coins.
On 09/2/08 at 11:09 am
Meghan said:
Or put on my fancy coveralls and throw a ball of fire at him. He’s not limber enough for heel kickin’ jump!
Now I have Super Mario Stuck in my head…
On 09/2/08 at 7:40 am
Jime said:
A while back I had a condo and the HOA was a bunch of Nazis. They would tow people left and right for no good reason. Guests would come over for parties and leave to find their cars had been towed! The HOA was made up of community home owners so when I finally left I made sure to sell the place to a group of bikers. Actually, I discriminated and would ONLY sell the place to a group of bikers who had really loud Harley motorcycles.
Fuck those HOA pricks.
On 09/2/08 at 7:52 am
Karri said:
HAHAHAA! Oh, Jime…a bit vengeful, no?
I did attempt to repay the new guy with a reciprocal tow, but he managed to sweet talk the parking enforcement. I need a new plan of attack…
On 09/2/08 at 7:58 am
Jime said:
Completely vengeful. Twas was a fitting revenge. Deep down I apparently am a man whose vices are molded by a need for justice, fairness, and cold vengeance. Lol.
Where will you strike the Q-tip next?
On 09/2/08 at 8:03 am
Karri said:
BWAHAHA!
I am currently plotting. Any ideas?
On 09/2/08 at 8:23 am
Jime said:
Alas, the nature of revenge is that it has a cumulative effect. If you get him, then he will aim to get you right back. Which is precisely what made my “bikers from hell” revenge so sweet–no retribution. After I left the community, the HOA had no sway over me. Haha. I win.
There are some really mean things you could do, heh…but you’ll be paying them back in karmic debt. How dirty are you willing to get?
On 09/2/08 at 8:30 am
Karri said:
UGH! Was it necessary for you to be my karmic mirror? Thanks a lot…pfffft!
I suppose I’ll just sit back on my porch and hope that someone else is willing to throw caution to the wind.
Maybe if I mind my P’s and Q’s he’ll give me a good neighbor discount on deodorant and snacks.
On 09/2/08 at 8:38 am
Jime said:
It’s all good. Don’t we all have 3rd and 4th mortgages on our karma these days?
On 09/2/08 at 8:53 am
Karri said:
Speak for yourself, I’m on my 9th and 10th.
On 09/2/08 at 9:08 am
Jime said:
Haahaaa. Those monthly payments must be killer. How does one petition for karmic bankruptcy?
On 09/2/08 at 9:37 am
Karri said:
I think it might have something to do with petitioning to the Almighty judge or something…and I don’t particularly fancy that idea.
On 09/2/08 at 9:48 am
Jime said:
Do you mean like…Judge Milian?
On 09/2/08 at 10:16 am
Karri said:
No, silly…Judy.
On 09/2/08 at 10:26 am
Jime said:
NO MADAM!
On 09/2/08 at 10:59 am
Karri said:
She’s a little firecracker, that one! How’d you like to live next door to her?
On 09/2/08 at 11:18 am
Jime said:
Yeah that’d be greeeeeat. I’d probably try to have some mailbox conversation with her and it’d go like this:
JUDY: What do you do for a living, Sir?
ME: Um…
JUDY: “Um” is not an answer!
ME: (interrupting her) Well I…
JUDY: Two people can’t talk at the same time, Sir! When my mouth is moving, it means that you need to be quiet.
ME: Sorry, you’re right.
JUDY: Of course I’m right; I’m always right. I’m like a truth machine.
On 09/2/08 at 12:51 pm
Karri said:
Well that doesn’t sound like any fun.
Perhaps it would be better to just wave and smile from a distance.
On 09/2/08 at 1:45 pm
Jime said:
Yeah, that’s a good idea. I better keep my hands out of my pockets, too…she hates that.
On 09/2/08 at 7:55 am
Karl Rove said:
Am I the only one who’s never had a bad neighbor (knock on wood)? I really shouldn’t say this yet, since I’m moving next week.
On 09/2/08 at 8:06 am
Karri said:
I just read some great advice about moving into a new neighborhood. It was suggested to go and sit in your car on a weekend night to see what happens. I’d never thought of doing that and thought it was quite a good idea.
On 09/2/08 at 10:39 am
Meghan said:
Yeah - then you’ll move in and everyone else will be like:
“Isn’t that the crazy bitch that sat in her car last Saturday? Keep her away from the children!”
On 09/2/08 at 10:56 am
Karri said:
The article did go on to say that if someone calls the police it’s a good thing. But it’s not like you can warn the neighbors that your spying on, so you’re right if they recognize you, you’ll be thought of as the new stalker.
You could always rent a car and don a wig…that sounds like a fun, fun night to me!
On 09/2/08 at 11:22 am
Karl Rove said:
Luckily, it’s not a new neighborhood. Just moving back to an old one. It’s a good neighborhood if you want to always see something interesting. Ah, Boston.
On 09/2/08 at 12:32 pm
Karri said:
Boston? Do you drink beer with our resident Ms. Liberty Bell?
On 09/2/08 at 2:42 pm
Karl Rove said:
I don’t. I’ve been out of state for a while, and even when I get back there, I don’t see any free time in the immediate future. But I’m sure she can tell you what the Theater District is like.
On 09/2/08 at 6:23 pm
Karri said:
Ohhhh…Meghan ^
On 09/2/08 at 7:57 am
teri~michelle said:
I live in campus housing for families. I’m sick of this place. It’s a ghetto for sure. We can’t leave a bicycle on our front porch or any other item unsecured because it will walk. That’s a promise. And sometimes it will walk within 20 minutes of you leaving it unattended. I have neighbors who sell dope, neighbors who line the street on both sides with cars of people who I guess are now “living” in a house they are not on the lease of, and my next door neighbor who had my dog taken away and put down because her bratling of a kid got bit after harassing the hell out of him. The same neighbor stole both of my trashcans (Hello I live right next door???) and ran over my son’s kitten killing it and then threw it in the backyard to cover up what she had done.
yeah I’m sick of neighbors..when I graduate give me the country where my nearest neighbor is a mile away..please!!
xoxo
On 09/2/08 at 8:10 am
Karri said:
*GASP*
I am so sorry! Again, WTF is wrong with people?!
And I don’t mean to ruin your ideals of living in the country, but my neighbors in the country might just be worse than those in the city. You know, meth labs and such are easier to conceal when the nearest neighbor is a few acres away.
Trista and I really need to get started on building the commune!!
On 09/2/08 at 11:46 am
teri~michelle said:
Meth Labs..ACH! I thought we left all that behind when we came home from WV…jeezzeeeeee….
is no where safe anymore? *lol*
As to wtf is wrong with people ? I have no clue but I’m about to be one attitude adjusting neighbor if things don’t settle down around here before I graduate. *heh*
And forget the campus cops…they are supposed to be our neighborhood watch group..literally. Came to the door passing out fliers and everything..asking what our main concerns were..uhm..you can start with making those people across the street move their damn cars so I can get out of my driveway…after that you’ll need a pen and paper if you want my complaints..Yeah he hasn’t come back, and those people with their cars haven’t moved…so..blech..forget the police too…
On 09/2/08 at 12:34 pm
Karri said:
The commune will be safe! I don’t know where the hell we’ll build it, but you can bet your sweet bippy it’ll be safe.
On 09/2/08 at 8:29 am
Missygail said:
I get afraid of walking my dog at night too and we live in a fairly nice neighborhood and mine is a big dog too.
.
I’d bet we are the more annoying neighbors in the scheme of things. We built in the garage so yours truly could have a room of her own. Living in the front room just doesn’t cut it… so our front porch looks like a constant yard sale.
.
Actually I did have a yard sale a while back with a plan to have another in the near future… but we are the typical white trash yard with the porch looking like the yard sale and then the kids wagons and bikes all over the front yard.
.
Luckily as of yet we don’t have any cars up on blocks in the yard…
On 09/2/08 at 8:33 am
Karri said:
I will never forget my one and only trip through Daytona…I swear they don’t have sanitation services. The trash had gone from the front porch to the lawns to the middle of the streets! And yes, there were plenty of cars on blocks too…ha!!
On 09/2/08 at 9:11 am
E said:
Our neighborhood is pretty nice. Suburbia. Neighbor behind us: Giant irish setter who barks incessantly. Dog’s name: Crazy Eddie. Neighbor across the street: Divorcee who mows her lawn wearing so little that cars slow down. Neighbor on right: Giant scary guy who races stock cars. Neighbors on left: Two middle-aged men who live together for convenience, but are not “together.”
On 09/2/08 at 9:36 am
Karri said:
Can I come over for dinner?
And by dinner I mean, people watch.
On 09/2/08 at 11:59 am
Phoenix said:
I live in a suburb 10 minutes from downtown Detroit, and yet it is suprisingly quiet (ie- no apparent drug houses, leering old men, and blatant crime). As a matter of fact I don’t have a/c, so I leave my windows and doors open all the time. Sometimes even when I’m gone to work all day.
I do have a creepy neighborbor across the street though. He is a middle aged man who lives with his elderly father and has some kind of disability, although I’m not sure with even though I’m a psychologist. Too bad Creepy Guy isn’t a catergory in the DSM (psychology bible). :p
It’s kinda funny though because he and the elderly father are starved for company and they will accost anyone they can to get it. The funny part is that the old guy simply tells the same story over and over, about how he was in The War as a machinist on old man Bush’s aircraft.
Next to them is a hispanic household. I say “household” and not “family” because at any given time 5-7 different people seem to reside there. And they seem to be in the business of buying cars, fixing them up, and selling them. Right now they have a minivan parked on the street with a sign that says “Don’t Work” on the back, because on garbage day you can get a ticket for parking on the street. Ha! I wonder if that really works…
The funniest thing that happened recently was that I had my sidewalk redone in front of the house. It brought both of those neighbors, and their attendent “people” out to watch, and then stand around, drink beer, and talk about the concrete with the contractor while watching it dry. What? That’s the most excitement we’ve had in awhile!!!
Really, it coulda been an episode of King of the Hill. Especially when I walk out all dressed up to go to dinner or something and all their heads turn in unison. :p
On 09/2/08 at 12:38 pm
Karri said:
I just freaked out thinking about you leaving your windows open while you’re gone, and then realized I do the same thing. I’m fairly certain we’re not supposed to do that.
So you’re the hawt babe on the street, huh? I’m not at all surprised!
On 09/2/08 at 3:06 pm
Jime said:
Haha, that’s a really funny story about how the men gathered around your concrete. Heh. That’s man-talk right there, says I!
On 09/2/08 at 12:14 pm
PJ said:
I’m the crazy neighbor. I don’t want to be, but somehow I am. I often stumble into my apartment from the bars down the block after being more than overserved, often have all my rowdy friends over and then overserve them, get into yelling matches with the mail lady, or the mail see you next tuesday as I affectionately call her, and once in a while I’m good for getting into a nice territorial residential parking permit debate.
On 09/2/08 at 12:41 pm
Karri said:
If it makes you feel any better, I know for a fact that at least one of mine thinks I’m the crazy one also. “The Trash Nazi” didn’t get his name without a good screaming match in which I asked him if he was indeed “the fucking trash nazi?” That was over a year ago and the man hasn’t made eye contact with me since…HA! I win!
On 09/2/08 at 1:28 pm
Phoenix said:
I’m curious as to what one would get into a yelling match with the mail lady over?
I have one that each winter will periodically refuse to deliver my mail because the walk isn’t clear enough for her. HOWEVER, she writes a note on my dmn mail warning me if I don’t clean it she’s not coming. wtf? I think I have grounds for a shouting match. wh3 do you think?
(btw, its not that I don’t clean my walk, its just that I sometimes work 12 hrs a day and a whole hellava lot of shit can fall from the sky in that amt of time)