Love and…Parents?
May 28, 2008 · Print This Article
Welcome to “He said, She said,” where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:
To live happily ever after, do you have to be loved by your partner’s parentals?
He said:
In a word “un-uh”. This commonly held ideal is uncommonly wrong… and as most ideals usually are, extremely difficult to achieve.
The thing you must keep in mind is that old folks… suck . Lest ye forget…their taste in music is abominable… they’re attire is almost always suspect and more than likely they are teetering on the edge of sanity. Can the opinion of someone who thinks that Ronald Regan was a godsend and that Music died with Rickie Nelson really be trusted ? Again I reiterate…”un-fucking-uh”.
Sure Parents can be cute and cuddly in their senility…but they are notoriously bad at making decisions for you. All you need to do is look at photos from your childhood…when your parents still made all of your life decisions…and ask yourself should I let them have another go? Well…if your answer is yes… you’re probably still wearing the same rhinestone encrusted denim skirts of your youth…and suffering from a slew of developmental disabilities… so it really doesn’t matter, anyways.
Look… the bottom line is you’re a grown-up… you get to choose who is in your life and who is not. If your parents love you… they’ll learn to love the douche-bag you’ve chosen to spend your life with. Letting the old guard make decisions about your life is almost as bad as letting them vote… it’s not that they’re not well intentioned…it’s just that they’re always wrong. Remember these are the same folks that told you that tattoo you got when you were a free spirited teen made you look like a whore. Well…maybe they’re right…but you’re my whore now, baby. Keep this in mind…and tell the folks I’m coming over for dinner… just as soon as I get the bail money.
She said:
The simple answer here is no…but life is never really all that simple, now is it?
You see, we all want to live in harmony, (well, those of us that aren’t extremely damaged goods anyway) but conflict can really throw a wrench in you love machine. When parents despise me, it causes divergence between my partner and I. And if my parents abhor my partner it’s the same issue. It makes things exceedingly…blah, blah, blah…
Wait…stop…halt. I cannot go on. For the first time in he said/she said history I cannot argue with the he side.
I…must…concur.
I mean seriously. This hurts me more than it hurts all of you, but its true. I agree with him.
You see, my parents have never liked anyone I brought home, not a one. That leaves me with two possibilities; either I am a complete “idiot magnet” (thanks dad) or my parents simply don’t think anyone is good enough for their precious baby.
A couple of youthful mistakes aside, I have dated some decent enough fellows. Yet no one, NO ONE has passed the parental assessment. The bottom line is I have over protective parental units that have built a fortress around me the likes of which David Koresh would be impressed by, and there they sit, armed and ready to go Waco on anyone who attempts to, (ehm) penetrate.
So as much as I hate to admit it, the man up there has a point. You come to a place in your life when you must be able to break away and make your own decisions with confidence and self assurance. Your parents will grow to love this person, or at least respect YOUR love for them, because they love you.
Or you could keep letting mom call the shots and keep rocking the homemade haircuts and old lady sweaters for the rest of your life…
(Yes…an actual photo of me. The elementary years were difficult…)
Your call. I know which way I’m going. I mean come on…look at that sweater. Anyone that would put that on her child has some issues of her own she needs to work out. (Love you mom!)
Well kids, what do you think? Did we get it all wrong? Are you still seeking parental approval on your significant others?
On 05/28/08 at 3:18 am
~Lori~ said:
Why do you ALWAYS hit on what is messin’ with me specifically when you write these blogs *sigh*… I’m going to have think on this one before I really respond, *applauds* yet another well written blog…. bbl.
On 05/28/08 at 7:45 am
Trista said:
Luck I suppose…I swear I’m not reading your diary!!
On 05/28/08 at 10:49 am
~Lori~ said:
Lol, sure feels like it sometimes, not that I keep one, except in my memories. ;p
Okay, this subject, wanting your parents approval of your s/o and that s/o wanting to be liked, can put wear and tear on a relationship, but what it comes down to is how you feel about your s/o, to what ends will you go to have them be a part of your life, thats wear the answer lies, within each of us.
On 05/28/08 at 11:12 am
Trista said:
See, this is where my challenges begin. I want a partner who can become a significant part of my life…but I don’t want them to BE my life. So I cannot have that take us both or you get nothing attitude that some couples get. We are not fusing into one being here.
I suppose what I have learned is this: if they get along, awesome and if they don’t, well…that means that I have to spend quality time with my parents without my partner. I also have to ask all parties to have enough respect for ME to not interfere with my relationship with the other(s).
On 05/28/08 at 1:48 pm
~Lori~ said:
I’m not disagreeing with your viewpoint, I trying to phrase this with bringing up my own personal experiences to heavily. It makes it hard when they can not all get along, my mother-in-law treated me like gold, my father-in-law was a mean SOB, didn’t like women, especially me because I wouldn’t let him badger me, but I was never disrespectful. Thing is, it got to the point where he crossed a line I refused to associate with him anymore, my ex backed me on it, and chose to step away from his father, which trust me not whole lot of love loss there in the first place. Fact is when you start a family of your own, have kids, that is your immediate family, great if the in-laws are part of it, but it doesn’t always work that way. Unfortunately, there are times you have to set your foot down to your parents on what you will tolerate, you are grown now and they have to respect it, and your choices, if they can’t well…I think you get my point.
On 05/28/08 at 2:14 pm
Trista said:
Absolutely. I think each family has to figure out how they are going to work it out, on a case by case basis, but if someone is forced to pick a side (as your husband was) you hope that they will chose the side of the disrespected, not the disrespecter. I know, disrespecter isn’t a real word…but it should be. =P
On 05/28/08 at 12:29 pm
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On 05/28/08 at 2:15 pm
Trista said:
Yeah, people…buy a sticker, pimp your daily entertainers!
On 05/28/08 at 4:32 am
Kevin M. said:
Agreed on all points. I mean, yeah… it is quite rare AND beautiful when your sig other’s parents are ACTUALLY cool, friendly and they *gasp* like you. But that’s just gravy if you’re lucky enough to find that scenario. Chances are, in-laws will be exactly like the common stereotype of “in-laws”. Brace for it! All you can do is hope to keep things civil, show each other some due respect, and not do anything to purposely piss the other one off. Either way, when I find HER… ain’t no crotchety sumbitches gonna ruin what we got!
On 05/28/08 at 7:50 am
Carol said:
Heaven help me…if I ever find HIM, I hope he feels the same.
Great topic, T. I agree, as well. I was really blessed with the relationships I had with my former in-laws. I actually really miss them…but my ex doesn’t “allow” his mom to maintain a relationship with me. Now that is another topic, all together.
On 05/28/08 at 7:53 am
Trista said:
“I actually really miss them…but my ex doesn’t “allow” his mom to maintain a relationship with me.
~Wait…seriously? I would think he would approve and support…for your children’s sake alone!
On 05/28/08 at 8:49 am
Carol said:
Long story. But, no…I don’t have a relationship with her, per se. I have seen her one time in four and a half years…at a ball game for our son last year. She hugged me. I nearly cried. She has a great relationship with he, his fiance and our kids. I choose to be grateful for those things…it’s not like I would ever be invited to family gatherings on that side anymore.
On 05/28/08 at 9:14 am
Trista said:
No, but to remain in contact and to share in the experience of your children together would be nice…at least that’s how I see it. I tried to stay friendly with my ex’s mother, but she didn’t want that. At least I know I tried…for my kids’ sake.
On 05/28/08 at 11:49 am
Carol said:
Oh, I tried. I even bought her an awesome hand monogrammed grandma t-shirt with ALL of her grandkids names on it the first mothers day we were divorced. Very nice card about what a difference she made in my life …no call or anything afterward.
On 05/28/08 at 12:36 pm
Trista said:
Sounds like my ex mama in law. I reached out…she ignored my hand. I got tired after awhile and put it down.
On 05/28/08 at 5:45 am
Cassie said:
HAHAHAHAHA
My mom and dad rarely even KNOW about a guy in my life, let alone have to form an opinion!! LOL
I will have to say though, that if I were to get serious about someone…he WOULD have to pass muster! Not so much that I would need parental approval, but they would at least have to like and get along with him. I like my family way more than most people, so of course I’d still want them to be around, whomever I’m seeing!! LOL
NOW, that being said…I take offense at the HE in this situation talking about my mom and dad like that!!!! hahahahahahahaha
On 05/28/08 at 7:56 am
Trista said:
I WANT my parents to like the people I get serious about, but if I wait for that…I will never be able to get serious about anyone.
Which is of course exactly how my parents like it.
On 05/28/08 at 5:54 am
Sarahh said:
My mom HATED my ex mother in law. I told my mom once how she had asked what kind of veil I was going to wear.
Her Response…
“Don’t forget who your fucking mother is”
Yeah.
Good times.
My family hated my ex. I think it is important to hear their opinion. Just don’t live by it. We can’t live by anyone elses opinion but our own. If you do, you will regret your decisions as they are not your own.
And Ms. Trista I have a bone to pick with you..
On 05/28/08 at 7:51 am
Carol said:
Did your mom and mine attend some meeting together? You know, the one that says “How to drop F-bombs loaded with guilt?”
On 05/28/08 at 7:58 am
Vic said:
Wait… i know that at least 1 set of y’alls parents aren’t jewish. How do they come by this knowledge and power???
On 05/28/08 at 8:26 am
Sarahh said:
See comment below.
Schmoopie.
*Giggles*
On 05/28/08 at 8:24 am
Sarahh said:
I think back in the day they would separate the boys and the girls and take the girls into the gym and show them the “Menstral Movie” and “How to guild friends by using the F-bomb consitently and effectively”
On 05/28/08 at 7:51 am
Trista said:
You called while I was at The Police Concert! I am calling you today…just tell me a time!
And I agree, hear them out. See if they have any legitimate concerns. If it’s simply, “I don’t like him” for the 10th time, then I know…what he meant to say is, “my daughter doesn’t sleep with men, la la la…”
Poor dad…doesn’t want to see me as anything but his 10 year old.
On 05/28/08 at 7:59 am
Vic said:
Ummm… that’s a little bit creepy, Miss T.
On 05/28/08 at 8:03 am
Trista said:
Yeah…my dad is insane.
I mean, I have kids…he’s got to know I am not a virgin anymore, right?
On 05/28/08 at 8:06 am
Vic said:
Either that or one of your boys is the Messiah.
On 05/28/08 at 8:06 am
Palimony rhymes with alimony said:
Me thinks…that he thinks you are the virgin Mary. A lot of pressure on your children…which one’s the second coming of G-sus?
On 05/28/08 at 8:10 am
Trista said:
Clearly dad isn’t reading the blogs or watching the show, huh?
On 05/28/08 at 8:39 am
Rox said:
Its no different than trying to comprehend your mom giving your dad a hummer. We’re not programmed to be able to deal with it. It makes you cringe a bit. Dad’s not programmed to deal with his little girl being the playground for mr. johnson. In both cases, ignorance is bliss.
On 05/28/08 at 8:40 am
Trista said:
hahahahahahahaaaa…
You have made your point quite well, sir. *shudder*
On 05/28/08 at 9:01 am
Palimony rhymes with alimony said:
My mom has not given my dad a hummer… but that’s because my dad gave her a PT Cruiser. Can ya blame her?
On 05/28/08 at 9:12 am
Trista said:
Your mom totally gives hummers…she told me.
On 05/28/08 at 10:21 am
Palimony rhymes with alimony said:
Nope… but once she gave my dad a blueberry blumpkin. Wait… I mean muffin. (What the hell was that about?)
On 05/28/08 at 2:15 pm
Trista said:
You confuse me.
On 05/28/08 at 8:28 am
Sarahh said:
He is probably like most dads. Figures you had sex just once to produce your children, then shudders, blows it off, and goes back to the warm quiltiness of denial.
That is how my mom rolls.
On 05/28/08 at 8:39 am
Trista said:
Yep. That describes my dad, perfectly.
On 05/28/08 at 8:25 am
Sarahh said:
Whoa whoa whoa. HOLD THE PHONE.
The Police Concert??
All is forgiven. Especially if you got me a T-Shirt.
hahahaha
6-7ish your time would be great. If not, catch me over the weekend!
On 05/28/08 at 8:38 am
Trista said:
It RULED. Sting is still hawt.
But I am tired…can’t pull the late nights like I used-ta. Waaaa, I am getting old.
On 05/28/08 at 4:05 pm
Vic said:
Us, too. We should all just go to sleep together.
On 05/28/08 at 4:08 pm
Trista said:
hahaha. Yes. I will come out to see you guys and we can just build a great big pillow and blanket fort in your house and lay around for three days…perfect vacation.
‘Cept you have to feed us.
On 05/28/08 at 5:44 pm
Vic said:
With the way I cook, I figured that was a given. I’ll stuff you all with home-cooked yumminess.
On 05/28/08 at 6:26 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
I can’t agree with this more. I refuse to spend any time with The Hawaiians family if I am not forced. She however likes my aunt & uncle (both parental units are dead), and spends time with them every week. It’s all good, but I wish my mother could have been around her for more than 5 minutes without a fight, as I would have gotten to spend more time with her before she was gone.
On 05/28/08 at 7:58 am
Trista said:
I watch my parents with their own in-laws and what has developed is not affection, but rather a calm acceptance. That is my goal at this point.
On 05/28/08 at 12:12 pm
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
I have found the calm acceptance thing, but it still doesn’t mean that I want to spend any more time with them than is truly necessary. Fortunately, my FIL spends more time in jail than out anymore, and my MIL lives far enough away that The Hawaiian has to take a long weekend to go visit her. I can always come up with an excuse for Good & I not to go…
On 05/28/08 at 2:16 pm
Trista said:
But is that right, to keep Good away to? Or is that a bad relationship as well for some reason?
On 05/28/08 at 9:33 pm
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
Because of the adoption of her and Evil, they are treated as less than acceptable by her family, even though they are both actually related to The Hawaiian. It’s ridiculous, but thats the way it is. Evil isn’t aware of it yet, so I still allow her to go.
On 05/28/08 at 7:40 am
Rox said:
It’s definitely not a requirement but great if there’s a good relationship. I have a great relationship with both my kids and would like to think their significant others wont disrupt that. Blood is thicker than water.
On 05/28/08 at 7:48 am
Trista said:
Oh, I absolutely agree that it makes life great when everyone can get along.
But I truly believe that if I was going to wait for someone daddy approved I would be alone for a loooooong time.
Now if someone is just flat out disrespectful to the parentals that is a different story…
On 05/28/08 at 7:52 am
Jime said:
Having parents love my significant other (or her parents love me) is a luxury, a nice bonus, but not a necessity. On the flip side of this I’d like to add that all my significant others parents have adored me–I’ve been the favorite–and NONE OF THAT helped when the other shoe drops and the ship is sinking. So, having the bonus and the love of your relatives doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is going to make it.
On 05/28/08 at 8:00 am
Trista said:
Sadly you are right…not only will being close with the family of your partner NOT save your relationship, it will make the breakup all the more painful. Ugh.
On 05/28/08 at 8:46 am
Jime said:
True…but when love is exchanged then it’s going to hurt anyway. Sometimes I wonder if having the love of my S/O’s family has been a blessing or a curse. In the past, if the family would take my side on an issue then it would make my girlfriends very angry. They felt infiltrated–like I had somehow taken their loved ones from them. Perhaps too much importance is placed on developing relationships with extended family. I don’t know. I’m divided on this.
On 05/28/08 at 8:52 am
Trista said:
I think its just like any other relationship…you put yourself out there, risk getting hurt, because that is the only way to reap the benefits of the experience. The difference is, there is someone else that can take it all away…your partner. It doesn’t usually matter how close you are to their family, when you break up, you tend to lose that custody battle. I was good friends with a boyfriend’s sister once; in a way it was more painful to lose her than him. But after much struggle she did ultimately chose to be loyal to her brother and respect his wishes to cut off our friendship…and I understood…sort of.
Oops, didn’t mean to write a saga there…
On 05/28/08 at 9:05 am
Jime said:
Haha, I don’t mind the saga. Yeah, you’re totally right about: “you put yourself out there, risk getting hurt, because that is the only way to reap the benefits…” Making good with the relatives is just an extension of giving love. My sister had one boyfriend that I continued to have a friendship with after the fall. Strangely, my sister didn’t mind. Perhaps this is not so strange though, because she’s a confident woman and also she was the one who initiated the break up. That makes a difference.
Thanks for the thought provoking topic (as usual).
On 05/28/08 at 9:15 am
Trista said:
And thank you for joining in…it was nice to see you…feels like its been awhile. =)
On 05/28/08 at 7:56 am
Vic said:
If your parents love you… they’ll learn to love the douche-bag you’ve chosen to spend your life with.
Truer words were never spoken, unless of course they were reworded to say that they’ll learn to “at least be nice to them in front of your face.” This is how my father was with my exes, though he likes my current partner (how could anyone not?) My mother is the ooshy-gushy “I love ANYONE you love” type. Ick. I want her to have an opinion.
Fact is, I love who i love and my parent’s opinion, though important in some measures, is not a factor in my relationships.
On 05/28/08 at 8:02 am
Trista said:
Indeed. Do I want them to like my partner? Yes. Do I need them to? No.
On 05/28/08 at 8:05 am
Vic said:
All I need is an open set of ears for advice.
They tend to give that without hesitation.
On 05/28/08 at 8:48 am
Trista said:
Mine give the advice whether I am asking or not. THAT is a problem.
On 05/28/08 at 10:30 am
Vic said:
That is the right of parents, no? Won’t E and C be looking forward to that in the future???
On 05/28/08 at 10:46 am
Trista said:
I will probably try not to be quite so in their face, but who knows. I hope to be able to try and let them forge their own path rather than try to walk them down the path I like but they aren’t teenagers just yet…I may morph into scary mom at that point…
On 05/28/08 at 11:53 am
Vic said:
I’m thinking we should start some kind of pool.
On 05/28/08 at 2:17 pm
Trista said:
You wish to bet on how long it shall be till I become psycho-mom?
Rude!
On 05/28/08 at 3:40 pm
Vic said:
You catch on quick. Yes, I am betting it will be sometime around the time C is 9.
On 05/28/08 at 3:52 pm
Trista said:
No way…too soon.
On 05/28/08 at 4:02 pm
Vic said:
Nobody said it was a long drive… we all know it’s merely a short putt.
On 05/28/08 at 4:08 pm
Trista said:
How dare…
yeah…you’re right.
On 05/28/08 at 7:57 am
Dissension is my middle name said:
I couldn’t disagree more. You are all idiots.
On 05/28/08 at 8:47 am
Trista said:
Who are you? And why do you have to call names?
On 05/28/08 at 9:38 am
Jime said:
I’m not sure who this is, but apparently they know all about what it takes to be an idiot.