Monogamy and masturbation…can they live in harmony?
June 5, 2008 · Print This Article
Welcome to “He said, She said,” where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:
Can excessive solo masturbation threaten a monogamous relationship?
He said:
Playing solitaire. Summoning the genie. Clubbin’ the nubbin’. Knuckle fucking.
Is this what we’ve resorted to? Ok yeah, you got me. In all actuality…yes! And that’s exactly how it should be. Because we always nickname things we love. We give them pet names and even secret identities. We can’t find enough words to express how much we’re into something. Or how much we can’t stop thinking about that certain something that drives our every deviant thought. Well, almost every deviant thought. Our current love interest/s are usually involved in all the rest…one way or another.
And that’s the crux of this question, no? Can something so adored and revered by many actually be to blame for ending something so special? Under the right circumstances, of course! Listen… I like relishing my hot dog as much as anyone, but not in lieu of that which masturbation is so desperately trying to emulate. I mean sure, if she leaves for work early, and you get that urge to do the Han Solo, then by all means. If he can’t meet you for lunch, then I’d EXPECT you to be tiptoeing through your tulips!
However, come home to me and show me something new you tried. Or go crazy when I tell you, in full, slow, detail what I was imagining I was doing to you while I was varnishing my banister earlier.
It’s the reason we’ve gotten this close in the first place, correct? Each other, first and foremost. If you’re not thinking of me in that way anymore, then the stark reality is already written on the wall. And no amount of giving the bunny a carrot will improve your eyesight.
She said:
Ahhh…just like a man to think there’s not enough of us to go around. Only a penis bearer would suggest that going too many rounds with oneself would actually threaten a relationship. Thus proving that pound for pound women are the Heavy Weight Masturbatory Champions!
The quandary the opposite sexes face in the battle of the lube is that very few men are capable of going a full 12 rounds without tapping out. Women on the other hand are not only able to have multiple orgasms, but the more often we spar with ourselves (and others), the quicker and more efficient we become. Not to mention, the more we get, the more we want. Therefore, enhancing said relationship not threatening it.
You see, the fairer sex doesn’t risk over indulging. She can train day after day, morning, noon and night only to get stronger with each match. Her counterpart however is quickly knocked-out shortly after he oils himself up during the latest episode of half-nekkie mud wrestling on the Spice channel.
I pity the penis, really. Sure some of them recover more rapidly than others, but more often than not, one too many yanks on the chain and the gloves are hitting the mat. There will be no more bouts in the ring until he’s rested and re-hydrated. Oh, what a joy for the marathon vajaja. She’ll be in her corner twiddling her…thumbs and tapping her…fingers questioning why she’s taken on such an unworthy opponent.
To the defense of those in need of a cup under their belts, it really isn’t a fair match up. How can we compare those who are able to deliver combination punches to those who not only throw in the towel, but a crusty one at that?
So, can excessive solo time threaten a relationship? For men…absolutely! Until they can defeat the reigning title holders perfecting the bare-knuckle rub down should never take precedence over the power of the pussy!
Ladies and gentlemen, your decision please. Do you masturbate when you’re in a monogamous relationship? If so, do you believe it’s detrimental to indulge?
When our guest writer “Captain America” isn’t practicing his snarkiness in online message boards, he’s back in school at the University of Central Florida finishing his BA in Digital Media whilst tirelessly doing his best Bobby Flay impression on the outdoor grill.
On 06/5/08 at 1:46 am
Carol said:
Is the world ending? I mean…you are BOTH correct. I love how Karri said, “I pity the penis.” It made me laugh…as did much of both responses. I have now added to my m-vocab! But, truly, the way Kevin talked about sharing and using masturbation as a tool to bring two people CLOSER is how I see it in a relationship. Quite frankly, I don’t WANT to masturbate as much when I am in one…but there are certainly partners who bring out the wild animal in us. And, in those moments, I am VERY grateful to be a woman and capable of my own O-a-thon!
On 06/5/08 at 6:07 am
Karri said:
I agree that mutual masturbation can bring a couple closer, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing their dirty little secrets. And if my SO is makin’ more sweet love to pixelated images than to me, I’m out!
On 06/5/08 at 7:19 am
Kevin M said:
“And if my SO is makin’ more sweet love to pixelated images than to me, I’m out!”
Oops! You just stepped out of character. See? I knew we agreed.
On 06/5/08 at 7:29 am
Karri said:
…because he’ll be worn out and unable to perform!
On 06/5/08 at 8:28 am
Kevin M said:
::rolls eyes:: You simply MUST raise your standards a bit. I mean… what pool of mediocrity are you fishing in, dear??
On 06/5/08 at 8:36 am
Karri said:
HA! If only you knew the irony of that statement.
On 06/5/08 at 6:19 am
Cassie said:
I would tend to be a BIT ‘jealous’ if my guy’s hand was getting it more often than me!! LOL
On 06/5/08 at 6:41 am
Karri said:
You and me both, sister! I’ve found this to be one of the pitfalls of having out-of-town lovahs. “Honey, don’t forget…we’re seeing each other this weekend, can you not beat your meat for a few days?” Really, a no masturbation reminder? UGH!
On 06/5/08 at 7:37 am
Trista said:
A few days??
Are you dating Grandpas? I thought you were a ‘Cougar’…jeez. Time to move down into yet another age bracket, Kar.
On 06/5/08 at 7:50 am
Karri said:
Any younger and they’ll be illegal!
On 06/5/08 at 8:39 am
Kevin M said:
Yeah… I’m thinking age isn’t your problem. People of all ages have different “skills” and abilities. Nothing’s changed since I was 15… I just don’t go down. I mean, as long as I’m still into it, that is. It comes in handy when I’ve reached liftoff, yet she still wants another launch herself. Thank you, :insert personal god here:!!
On 06/5/08 at 6:30 am
Meghan said:
I love that I have only been reading EVE for a short time, but I guessed it was ‘Captain America’ before I reached the picture!!
I’ve had men both see it as a turn on, and they want to join in; or feel threatened about masturbation - like they want to think only they are capable of providing what I need.
It in NO WAY decreases my sex drive or attraction to my partner. The only way Masturbation gets in the way of my relationships is if I am masturbating and you call me on the phone, I’m probably not going to answer! But leave a message after the tone and I’ll get back to you.
On 06/5/08 at 6:46 am
Karri said:
“The only way Masturbation gets in the way of my relationships is if I am masturbating and you call me on the phone…”
HAHAHAAA!!! How do they do that? It’s as if they have some sixth sense that we’re enjoying a little “alone time” and they must be a part of it.
On 06/5/08 at 7:22 am
Kevin M said:
When ’strumming your clitar’ is taking up most of YOUR day… how can any one of our phone calls NOT coincide??
(*I just couldn’t hold it any longer. Lol.)
On 06/5/08 at 7:31 am
Meghan said:
‘Strummin my pain with MY fingers…’
<—Sings, badly.
On 06/5/08 at 8:29 am
Kevin M said:
^^^ is still funny.
On 06/5/08 at 10:05 am
PJ said:
Two times.
On 06/5/08 at 1:54 pm
Kevin M said:
Lol.
On 06/5/08 at 7:32 am
Meghan said:
I’ve learned to utilize the silent mode on my phone. Its pretty funny later when I have 14 missed calls and messages when I remember I turned it off so I could masturbate.
On 06/5/08 at 7:34 am
Trista said:
Get the ‘Oh My Bod’ vibrator that connects to your cell phone…people keep a calling me, texting me, etc. and for once I am glad instead of annoyed.
Plus it gives dirty texting a whole new side.
On 06/5/08 at 7:40 am
Karri said:
You’re welcome.
On 06/5/08 at 8:29 am
Kevin M said:
Hell yeah! That’s some pretty sweet tech, right there.
On 06/5/08 at 7:20 am
Kevin M said:
“but I guessed it was ‘Captain America’ before I reached the picture!!”
Wait… is this a good thing? ::scratches chin::
On 06/5/08 at 7:34 am
Meghan said:
It’s a good thing. I think I asked myself, Who would write ‘clubbin the nubbin’…
I was all but waiting for you to write
‘STOP Masturbating, YOU!’ and shake your fist.
On 06/5/08 at 8:30 am
Kevin M said:
Oh no, m’dear…. I am definitely PRO-masturbo! Lol.
On 06/5/08 at 7:22 am
Charles Albert Green said:
So, masturbation is what has been ruining my relationships!? And I thought it was the foot fetish.
On 06/5/08 at 7:27 am
Karri said:
Hi stranger! You’ve been missed…are you cheating on us?
So, do you masturbate to feet, is that it?
On 06/5/08 at 7:30 am
Lanier said:
I can not get enough of my man. Therefor we use ‘toys’, he uses them on me while we are together. When he is not around I have my “me” time. He does not mind at all, because he can’t be around all the time and if he is not tired, we have phone sex.
When I am masturbating, I can not cum as good as when I am on the phone with him. I love hearing his voice and the way he talks to me… mmm I love it…
On 06/5/08 at 7:52 am
Karri said:
It sounds as if the two of you have found the perfect balance. There is hope!
On 06/5/08 at 7:36 am
Trista said:
Once upon a time I had a boyfriend that could have sex with me about five minutes after masturbating. It only made him last longer.
Man, I miss him!
On 06/5/08 at 7:47 am
Meghan said:
Do you still have his number! LOL!!
On 06/5/08 at 8:08 am
Trista said:
Indeed…I do! And he has mine…(buuuuuzzzzzzzz…)
On 06/5/08 at 8:33 am
Kevin M said:
Lol! This sounds… familiar. ::whistling::
On 06/5/08 at 8:17 am
BriGuy said:
My girlfriend and I both exerscise regular mutual and solo masturbation time. We feel that it only enhances our intimate time, and if anything can be seen as “practice for building up to a better “O” for the both of us. I’m a big fan of what is known as, “edging.” When alone I bring myself as close to cumming as I can, and then relax and stimulate myself other ways. This really gets a guy more observant and aware of his man parts, and actually helps us to have more control over our orgasms, and decreases the refractory time period needed inbetween ejaculations. The more I play with myself, the more satisfied my girl is when it comes to the long distance marathons
On 06/5/08 at 8:24 am
Karri said:
Can you PLEASE write a “how to” manual for me to distribute? That’d be great, thanks!
On 06/5/08 at 8:36 am
Kevin M said:
“When alone I bring myself as close to cumming as I can, and then relax and stimulate myself other ways.”
Ditto. If I’ve got the time to ride that crest-and-trough action for any lengthy period of time, the force and amount of ejaculate could blast rust off a wrought iron fence.
On 06/5/08 at 8:39 am
Karri said:
WH WHA WHAT?!
I don’t get it…why aren’t all men doing this?
On 06/5/08 at 2:10 pm
Kevin M said:
Probably ’cause we live hectic lives and just don’t have the extra time. Trust me… THESE types of sessions are fucking phenomenal! But it’s rare that I get 30-45 minutes of totally-private-fully-nekkid-sweaty-time. Usually it ends up being kind of ‘foom-FOOM!..done’. Back to the daily grind.
On 06/5/08 at 4:33 pm
Karri said:
So what’re you saying, there won’t be any Orgasmathons in your future?
On 06/5/08 at 6:45 pm
Jason said:
He is correct about that particular excersize and its benefits. Highly effective at developing ejactulatory control. And once mastered you can basically go as long as you want and only come when you both decide its time to call it quits. I know my current partner is certainly pleased with the results of my “practice” from before she came around
On 06/6/08 at 8:39 am
Kevin M said:
I never say “never”.
But I’m sure you and Trista had to make SOME arrangements the other day as you prepared for your O-fest. No?
On 06/5/08 at 9:14 am
Jime said:
Great comments from both of you. Totally agree with Karri that masturbation helps drive a woman’s libido: gotta keep that riverbed flowing! I also like Kevin’s smooth play on how to approach a partner when they masturbate–by trying to share the experience. Ironically, as much as I like this take, it has backfired on me before. I’m not quite sure how to put this. Have you ever been in the situation where your S/O shares their fantasy with you and yet it does not bring you closer, but rather, drives you away? And this happens specifically because of something they share.
.
Fantasies are a tangled web of Insane. A sweet insanity that gets us where we need to go. And while I think it is very healthy that a woman (and a man) figure out what flicks the switch, it may not be so healthy to the relationship to share every detail of these revelations to your partner. Once some things are said you can’t unsay them, you know?
.
Some people just don’t know how to be gentle, maybe, or employ tact. IDK. Am I way off base here or do you know where I’m coming from?
On 06/5/08 at 9:30 am
Karri said:
Trista and I were just having this same conversation!
We totally get what you’re sayin’. Just because one person fancies, oh I don’t know, lets just say anal, that doesn’t mean the other will be turned on by the idea but rather left feeling ill…very, very ill!
On 06/5/08 at 10:36 am
Jime said:
Exaaaactly. Thanks for sharing your fantasy of, say, “being held hostage by a Nazi who demands your submission like Ray Feines did in Schindler’s List” Now…uh…what do I do with that? Am I supposed to dress up like a Nazi? Are you saying I should be more dom? Should I learn German? Any clue here would be helpful.
So…one of your ex’s asked for some anal, huh?
On 06/5/08 at 11:26 am
Karri said:
A P.O.W. fantasy? Interesting. I might be able to actually get behind that idea. And no, not in the behind, just a supporting role.
On 06/5/08 at 11:41 am
Jime said:
A supporting role? So you would “support” the dildo while he sat on it? Hahaaaa.
.
I was behind the idea, too. A nice fucked-up fantasy is all good (we all have them), so I wanted to be able to include myself in that fantasy, you know? I was like, “I can get a costume if it’d help,” and, “should I learn an accent to get you in the moment?” But she said no and so it left me feeling, hm, what’s the word…like a tool. Like there was a whole fantasy world going on in her head and she just wanted me to be her fuck-stool while she fantasied out.
.
Meh. That doesn’t sound healthy to me.
On 06/5/08 at 11:50 am
Karri said:
I would and I have supported, yes. Would I ever again? Probably not. And perhaps for similar reasons as your Nazi fantasizer…some things are really best left in our little heads. Once we actually play them out it can leave a rather unpleasant taste in your mouth. And I promise there was no pun intended in that statement!
On 06/5/08 at 11:59 am
Jime said:
Bwaahahaa. I don’t wanna know! Yet I do. Yet I don’t.
On 06/5/08 at 12:14 pm
Karri said:
Let’s just say that I earned my anal hang-ups honestly.
On 06/5/08 at 2:21 pm
Kevin M said:
Ok, but… aren’t you two missing a major key, here? Don’t you WANT to know about this “insanity”… before you make some sort of long-term commitment or something. And you find out 30 years down the road that he’s into locking little girls away in the basement 24/7?? If my S.O. reveals something completely sick (to me) and repulsive… I DEFINITELY want to know so I can make other plans.
On 06/5/08 at 3:09 pm
Jime said:
Methinks that is an excellent comment, Kevin. Such a slippery slope though, because we all have fantasies that will probably never be fully realised (and that’s probably a good thing). But yes, I certainly agree that it is good to have a partner with enough foresight to consider what revelations will be constructive and what could possibly hurt the relationship.
.
Note to self: locking girls in the cellar is considered “bad”.
On 06/5/08 at 4:32 pm
Karri said:
Says Kevin. *ahem*
I kid. I kid. I prefer… oh, nevermind.
On 06/5/08 at 9:59 am
Carol said:
I just had to stop back in and check out what the family at Eve had to share….so glad I did.
And, once again, I end with a laugh because the last comment from you is about, oh, let’s say, anal sex. I LOVE watching a man stroke himself. I need to stop commenting right now because I am squirming in my chair.
On 06/5/08 at 11:28 am
Karri said:
You little voyeur, you. And I agree…it’s HAWT!
I’m suddenly in the mood for some naked jumping jacks.
On 06/5/08 at 2:23 pm
Kevin M said:
Yeah.. I don’t know what it is, but seeing a woman touch herself is right up there on the list of GREATEST and SEXIEST THINGS EVARRR! Can never get enough of that. No hit to MY ego, babe. Rub that shit alllll you want!
On 06/5/08 at 11:21 pm
Carol said:
Methinks you should write the top ten things that are on your GREATEST and SEXIEST THINGS EVARRRR list. You should share, Kevin, Really, we are family here, remember? Nothing is taboo (well, except the whole girls in the cellar bit)
On 06/5/08 at 10:15 am
PJ said:
There is a difference between love and lust. Sure you can be very happy with the person you chose for the first l-word and they may even be great when it comes to the second l-word, but other people will sneak into the lust category no matter what and a good way of keeping a relationship monogamus is by waxing the dolphin to quell these feelings. I’ve always said there’s a difference between the kind of sex we have with a loved one versus that we would have with a random object of lust. I think that kinda fits it here.
On 06/5/08 at 11:33 am
Karri said:
I agree, there’s nothing wrong with fantasizing and sometimes our minds wander off to someone other than our significant other. It doesn’t mean we love them any less and it might even spark something new and different in the relationship. My issue is when a man spends so much time whacking off that he’s no longer interested in the real deal. It’s been known to happen.
On 06/5/08 at 11:39 am
PJ said:
Well then he’s just a dumbass. Go find another dick. End of story.
On 06/5/08 at 11:53 am
Karri said:
I concur! Somehow I seem to attract the masturbation feigns. I need to examine that a little more closely.
On 06/5/08 at 10:43 am
Kevin said:
It’s essential to pleasure yourself just as much as your partner, everything in moderation, if you’re pleasuring yourself more than with your guy then there might be some possible issues at hand with your sex life, nothing that can’t be fixed. If you know you’re going to see your mate at the end of the day, then use some restraint and wait it out. It doesn’t bother me that someone I’m with is getting off alone. I’d only raise an eyebrow if I wasn’t getting any over a period, then I’d be like, “uhh hey excuse me. Ya think you could wait for me at least once?”
The best way for a guy to masturbate when he’s alone is to stop three or four times just before he ejaculates and then save it for later. Why? Because when he does masturbate later, the ejaculation will be longer or more intense for both him and the person he’s intimate with, but some guys are like kids and want it right then and now and it seems impossible to stop, but it is possible, and so worth the wait. Trust me. Discipline my child.
On 06/5/08 at 11:36 am
Karri said:
WOW! I’m impressed with the number of men here who are actually exhibiting restraint and knowledge of their masturbation habits. Well done!
On 06/5/08 at 2:26 pm
Kevin M said:
Ohhhh you have NO idea.
On 06/5/08 at 1:15 pm
bryan said:
To mirror other’s comments on here I think the only way maturbation could get in the way of a relationship would be if one person preferred it to their partner. However if that is the case then there is something wrong and it’d be best to fix it or move on. before the end of my marriage i found that i simply could not masturbate enough. the sex just wasn’t doing it for me (or her) and i spent an inordinate amount of time with myself. in fact i discovered ways in which to pleasure myself that i didn’t think were possible. this went far beyond the young boy discovering if he rubbed his weiner it felt good. so at this point in my life i rarely find a moment when it is necessary to do so. quite frankly the thing does have a shelf life and i ain’t getting any younger so i much prefer saving it up to share with someone else. as for women doing it, i’m all for it. i’ll watch, help, listen on the phone, join in, rub one out while she does, whatever. imo, it all is simply better with the right person.
On 06/5/08 at 4:36 pm
Karri said:
ECH! Is there anythig worse than being in a relationship gone awry and you’d rather wank it yourself than have to bother with the other person? I feel your pain!
On 06/5/08 at 5:24 pm
bryan said:
ech indeed!
On 06/5/08 at 10:05 pm
Webb Shipley said:
masterbating is for times when you mate is unavailable to she is not in the mood.