Mr. Right is not rubbing her the right way…
May 21, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
After years of dating “the wrong guy” over and over again I seem to have finally found Mr. Right and I have been dating him for almost a month. He has a great job, he’s really nice to me, he’s thoughtful and sensitive, all great stuff. But there is no sexual chemistry at all. I have been thinking about breaking up with him because of this but I am afraid of letting my first nice guy go. Can attraction grow? Will my feelings change?
Cold and confused
Dear cold and clammy,
Ah, love. It’s a many splendored thing, isn’t it? Oh, but we aren’t really talking about love right now, are we? No…what you are apprehensive about is good old fashioned animal attraction.
But don’t worry, sweetie. Of course your feelings are going to change and that (lack of )attraction is going change…and what was once a mild indifference will develop into a deep repulsion over time.
You are less than a month into this, petunia…and you are already talking yourself into the sack with this man. This is the time when you are supposed to be so horned up for each other that you are fault blind, but instead you are already wearing your blemish bifocals. That is a glaring red light, kitten. This isn’t going to work itself out. You need to move on.
Unless of course he’s loaded, in which case you can always marry the man and get yourself a hot, young pool boy named Ignacio to call your own. Just be careful that during your monthly conjugal with the hubby you don’t shout out, “Oh! Ignacio!”
Oopsie.
Love and kisses,
Eve
On 05/21/08 at 2:25 am
~Lori~ said:
Okay, I’m going to disagree on this one. I have made the choice to let the nice one go, and kick myself in the backside for it many a time. A lot of women prefer the so-called bad boy, it is more of challenge, hence enhancing the attraction of the forbidden, etc. Meanwhile, lowering their self esteem just a little more. Somehow we have a tendency to self sabotage ourselves with this behavior, so when a good one comes around, we have no idea how to appreciate this individual, or the fact we deserved to be treated well. (Men do this too) I think she needs to give it a chance to know this person, and see if the attraction grows with the friendship and respect that we all deserve. Only fair to both her and him.
On 05/21/08 at 7:01 am
Karri said:
Once upon a time when I met one of my greatest real-ationships there was zero physical attraction. People would tell me how hawt they thought he was and I just didn’t see it…at all! But that all changed; the more time we spent together, the more my attraction grew. Thankfully he was great in the sack otherwise…well, you know.
On 05/21/08 at 7:08 am
Trista said:
But if there is NO sexual chemistry…how can someone be good in the sack for you?
Once upon a time I tried to date a friend of mine; nice, smart, funny, we really loved each other. But the sexual chemistry wasn’t there, no matter how much we tried to force it.
That was painful…and I don’t try to force it anymore.
On 05/21/08 at 7:15 am
Karri said:
You very well know that I would never consider bedding someone if I weren’t physically attracted to them. All I can say is that it took a good 3 months for him to “grow on me.” Ultimately, I was the one trying to get his pants off…go figure!
On 05/21/08 at 7:50 am
Trista said:
I think the issue here is I see sexual chemistry and physical attraction as two separate things…I don’t think all of you ladies do.
I can think someone is a good looking person and still not have a sexual interest in them.
On 05/21/08 at 9:07 am
Carol said:
DING DING DING….
Trista…I have met so many extremely handsome men who I had ZERO sexual attraction for because of…well, whatever. I think the difference is someone who is physically, emotionally, intellectually attractive…and the sexual chemistry just hasn’t grown into the equation yet.
On 05/21/08 at 10:29 am
Trista said:
This blog has become so interesting to me! I don’t think I have ever had sexual chemistry grow…it’s either there for me or not. But conversely, it has definitely dissipated on me over time. And once I lose it…it is so hard to get it back.
Man…I have a finicky, fickle vagina!!
On 05/21/08 at 10:34 am
Carol said:
Oh, trust me…it can most certainly grow. There is something unbelievably fantastic about taking that journey together…Bringing out the wild beast in a man turns me on. It changes the chemistry and brings you even closer.
On 05/21/08 at 10:39 am
Trista said:
Let me clarify…I have never had it grow out of NOTHING. If there is no spark for me…I have trouble…serious trouble. Similarly if the spark goes out…it’s nearly impossible to get it lit again.
On 05/21/08 at 11:32 am
Carol said:
Spoken like a woman who has experienced unleashing a beast…or two!
On 05/21/08 at 11:34 am
Trista said:
Ding,ding,ding! =)
On 05/21/08 at 11:49 am
Kevin M. said:
I’ve been in situations where there was nothing, it grew into “something”… but, ALWAYS fizzles quickly thereafter. So, in my experience, yeah, you CAN create something out of nothing. But it won’t last. Your true instincts always win out. And if this girl is looking to find “Mr. Right”, this is NOT the way to go about it. IMO, anyway.
On 05/21/08 at 11:54 am
Trista said:
Yep…go with the gut…it never lies.
On 05/21/08 at 2:47 am
lisaq said:
See now I agree. Bad boy or nicey nice, if there’s no attraction, there’s no attraction. It isn’t going to pop up outta the blue clear sky!
Besides, there’s more than one nice guy out there in the world (right? please tell me there is!) and if this one’s not doing it for her, she needs to find the one that is.
Keeping him around just ’cause he’s nice is not very nice.
On 05/21/08 at 2:56 am
~Lori~ said:
I understand what you are saying, but let me clarify a little better. A lot of the rush when it comes to attraction is because not only is it new, but a lot of times forbidden, dangerous, somehow inherently we know that person it not good for us. Most nice guys, don’t usually want to just hop into bed with you, then it makes you think, oh what is wrong with them, or me? Instead they are treating you with respect that you deserve, and a lot of times we don’t know what to do that at all. I finally let nice guy, and went through all those questions in my head, but I learned from him how I wanted to be treated, and that attraction grows from slowly getting to know each other with respect. I may not have this person in my life now, but damn did I learn alot about myself. No regrets. (she said she kept picking the wrong guys, this is her firs Mr. Right, I don’t think less than a month is near enough time to make that decision).
On 05/21/08 at 6:59 am
Trista said:
Thank you Lisa…clearly you and I see it the same way. I have never been able to force myself to be attracted to a guy simply because he looks good on paper.
On 05/21/08 at 3:25 am
Meghan said:
I’m a tree swaying in the wind here.
If there is ZERO chemistry, that is obviously a problem. AND no good. I’ve met really incredible men, who were all of the above and had to come clean with myself that,’I wish I DID want him.’
On the other hand, I hear ~Lori~. I’ve had awesome sexual chemistry with a guy I wouldn’t let me some of my friends until I wised up. Maybe meeting her 1st real possibility is throwing both of them for a loop and the sexual chemistry is being held back at the gate?
On 05/21/08 at 7:05 am
Trista said:
I dunno. What a lot of you ladies are saying makes perfect sense…but attraction isn’t something we have all that much control over. She isn’t talking about lackluster sex up there, at least I don’t think she is…she said “no sexual chemistry at all.” She does not find anything about this guy attractive other than the fact that he has his shit together.
The first couple of months is the hottest time, the time when the chemicals between us run wild. If that isn’t happening, I see a completely sexless relationship in this couple’s future…that isn’t nice for anyone.
On 05/21/08 at 9:38 am
Meghan said:
Yeah, re-reading it, and it sounds like a problem. Even without knowing the finer details. She does ask if the ‘attraction can grow’ - meaning lack of much to begin with. I usally ask myself ‘I wonder if he really likes me?!’ the first month, not ‘I wonder if I am ever going to like HIM???’
On 05/21/08 at 10:00 am
Trista said:
Exactly. I have tried to talk myself into the good on paper guy more than once in my life. It never works, not for long anyway.
On 05/22/08 at 1:25 am
Melody said:
Hmmm. Im swaying on this one too. I have to agree with all of this, and I think we may have stumbled into a many shaded grey area here. I know from experience that the “bad boy” is usually the most exciting in the sack. But that also usually brings heartbreak along with a good healthy kick in the ass once the hindsight starts to work. I have been with a smart, handsome, hard working guy who was THE BEST I’ve ever had. One of those that even after years, a look, or accidental touch in public got me all worked up. Only trouble is, he turned out to be a controlling asshole. Even chemistry does not fix that, so I got my heart broken anyway and it took 6 months for it to even start to get better. Then there is my situation now, the guy really isnt what you’d call hot, or even good looking to most of my friends (Lori has commented on this before), he tends to be hugely inconsiderate at times, but even with that, there is chemistry. For me. I have to wonder with him, because the sex only happens occasionally at best. Sometimes 5 or 6 weeks in between. And no, he is not cheating. Its been that way since day 1, and were at 4 1/2 years now. Its frustrating to say the least. BUT my opinion on this is, sometimes it grows and you wonder why you had that initial lack of magnetism. Other times it definitely turns into replusion. Sometimes its almost simultaneous. I think ZERO means probably never. But then again, maybe she has some hang-ups that are preventing it??? I think it might be a good thing that she can see his not so positive traits now, instead of the usual pattern we all fall into at times, that the person is perfect until the libido slows down, then when we see the real person, we develop a dislike for them, when they are the same person who attracted us in the first place. Thats not fair to either party. If it were me, I would wait, give it some time, and hope for the best. But if enough time goes by and its still not clicking, move on.
On 05/21/08 at 4:25 am
Sarahh said:
Ehhhh, I dunno.
If you are sexually repulsed get out. But, if he is nice to you and you aren’t used to that. Heloooooo that is why you aren’t sexually attracted.
Take it from the bad boy, scum bucket, magnet. It is a habit that has to be broken. Now, after 3 months it still isn’t doing it for you,yes. Haul ass.
But remember if the “bad boy” got your motor running but treated you like shit and that is what you are used to, you won’t be immediately attracted.
Change takes time.
Give it a chance. Not a year. But a couple of months.
The goat lady has spoken.
On 05/21/08 at 6:41 am
Carol said:
Ah, wise goat lady. I have to agree that a month is not necessarily long enough…DEPENDING on her own personal issues and history. My first inclination was to agree with Trista…but I don’t think what she is doing is putting on “blemish bifocals”. I think she is saying…everything is unblemished, with the exception of no chemistry. That can be VERY confusing and OFTEN self-inflicted. Not always, but OFTEN. And, for some people, sex is not a motivator (*gasp*). He could be one of those rare guys who doesn’t let his freak flag or sexy flag fly until he really knows someone. I have known two men like that in my life….BOTH well worth waiting for.
On 05/21/08 at 7:12 am
Trista said:
I agree with what you two are saying, I just read the question a little differently I think.
When she says no chemistry, that leads me to think no desire. I could be wrong here, but I don’t think this is a case of poor execution…I don’t think this girl even wants to play the game with this guy.
I don’t know if any of you have battled with a complete lack of want for a partner, but I have. It is not fun and it is not easy to overcome.
On 05/21/08 at 9:43 am
Carol said:
I read it as she has been dating a nice guy, her first ever, for a whopping whole month. I don’t know that a month is enough time to let everything settle in…
And yes, I’ve had relationships go from great interest to zero interest on my part. It is difficult.
On 05/21/08 at 9:58 am
Trista said:
I read that too…but! Like Lisa said above, this won’t be the only nice guy she ever meets…she knows now that she likes the way he treats her, but she needs to find one that she likes to get freaky with too…at least that’s how I see it.
I think we shall agree to disagree on this one, love!
On 05/21/08 at 11:35 am
Carol said:
We can easily agree to disagree. To be fair, I’m probably projecting some of my own personal reality here. I mean, I have certainly gone through periods in my life where my energy is not NEARLY as sexual as “normal”. If a man happened across my path during that time, I would hate to think he wouldn’t give getting to know me better more than a month.
On 05/21/08 at 11:44 am
Trista said:
Agreed…a month is possibly too quick. I was known to give it 6-8 weeks back when I was more of a serial dater than I am now. Now I am even pickier though…I want to be hot for my partner, I cannot help it, I’m greedy.
On 05/21/08 at 12:11 pm
Kevin M. said:
Well… maybe I side with Trista, here… but I don’t want to be in a situation where it’s taking someone month/s to “settle into me”, or “learn to dig me”. Sexual passion is a HUGE deal for me… and something that I firmly believe is incredibly important for a successful relationship. So if that damn-near-uncontrollable tension and urge isn’t there in the beginning… I just don’t think it’ll ever TRULY be there. I’m not saying ever, NEVER… but in general, I just can’t see it.
On 05/21/08 at 12:27 pm
Carol said:
I just think that a month is not long enough. I have issues with ALWAYS and NEVER…and tend to go with in general, too. And, yes, In general, I totally agree with everything you and T have said. I just have to be true to me, play a little devils advocate and share the exceptions to the generalizations.
On 05/21/08 at 5:46 pm
Kevin M. said:
But seriously… and this is NOT a shallow statement, no matter how some may perceive or paint it… but how have things gotten this far in the first place if there’s no sexual chemistry?? Don’t get me wrong… ALL the other stuff is just as, if not more important. But it’s like she just ignored this fact up until now. WTF is he… her long-time bi friend that is now gotten so close they just THINK they should be together?? That may a stretch… but something else is going on here.
On 05/21/08 at 7:34 pm
Trista said:
It’s a pity we get so little info with our questions, I honestly wish I could interview the person most of the time!
On 05/21/08 at 4:26 am
Sarahh said:
Ooooooooh so, it is a finiky thing. This picture deal. So one day picture and the next no.
Well I will remain the shadow! Muahahahaha…
I mean Baaaaaaa…..
On 05/21/08 at 6:42 am
Carol said:
Depends on your browser, too. Try putting the cut and paste back into the third line for your photo. I want to see your pretty face,
On 05/21/08 at 6:54 am
Cassie said:
HAHAHAHA
A Hot pool boy is a great idea!!!!! LOL
On 05/21/08 at 7:01 am
Trista said:
A hot gardener can work too, if you are lacking in the pool department.
On 05/21/08 at 12:15 pm
Kevin M. said:
What about a hot, live-in, gardener, chef, masseuse, car-washer, laundry-doer, and yes… pool user/cleaner? I mean… I know a guy.
On 05/21/08 at 12:30 pm
Carol said:
<—knows two Cali girls who would take umm….your friend…up on his services.
On 05/21/08 at 12:37 pm
Trista said:
Indeed…I would like to know this guy of which you speak…
On 05/21/08 at 5:43 pm
Kevin M. said:
Well… to protect the innocent… IT’S ME, DAMMIT!!
On 05/21/08 at 6:56 am
Lisa said:
OMG!! I couldn’t believe what I was reading!! It was like you guys got right inside my head (or relationship) and wrote my concerns word for word.
My betrothed is the sweetest, most generous, kindest human and I am proud to say that I am marrying my best friend. However, No “freak flag” to speak of as of yet (after three years!!) Our sexual chemistry is definitely lacking!!!
I keep telling myself that it is due to the physical distance between us now (we live in different cities) and our sex lives will improve when we are closer in proximity, but……thanks so much for addressing this topic!!!! Any suggestions to help me bring him out of his shell??
On 05/21/08 at 7:09 am
Trista said:
You have been together for quite some time, so clearly you have had some sex, yes?
So is it just kinda sex that is the issue for you? Or do you have no desire for your partner?
And I getting too personal in the comments?? Oops…
On 05/21/08 at 7:18 am
Lisa said:
When we do have sex it is rather good. We just don’t have as much as I would like.
I am starting to believe that he prefers someone who is a little more domineering in the sack- when personally, to quote LL Cool J- I need a rough-neck nigga, mandingo-in-the-sack, who ain’t afraid to grab my hair and smack me from the back!
I am loving this!!! More feedback please!!
On 05/21/08 at 7:32 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
I have to say it is wholly dependent on my mood in this situation. My wife and I do not have as much sex as she would like, but when we do it is a mind-blowing experience for both of us. Unfortunately, sometimes I need to be dominated, and she just doesn’t give me what I need in that department often, and I’m not in the mood to be dominant, so things go south for a while. When she does, I go right back to being in control and things change for the better as far as frequency goes.
On 05/21/08 at 8:05 am
Trista said:
Frequency of sex desired is a whole other issue. Some people have drastically different levels of desire, which can be an issue. Although with both of you it sounds like a compatibility issue. If you both want drastically different things out of your sex life, you have to compromise…BOTH parties, or things will “go south” as you say
On 05/21/08 at 8:09 am
Lisa said:
I guess I will just have to embrace my inner dominatrix!
On 05/21/08 at 8:12 am
Trista said:
Sometimes you just gotta! But do definitely talk to him about the fact that you want to take turns…its only fair!
On 05/21/08 at 8:17 am
Lisa said:
Yeah… Talking about this topic with him is sooo difficult.. I don’t want to make him think I am unhappy with his performance by any means. Plus, it is hard for me to broach the topic anyway.
UGH.!
On 05/21/08 at 8:20 am
Trista said:
It can difficult, I know. But you are going to marry this guy! The sexual lines of communication need to be opened up in order for you two to truly live happily ever after, my friend.
On 05/21/08 at 9:11 am
Lisa said:
True, True.. Thanks for your insight.. Love your site.
On 05/21/08 at 10:01 am
Trista said:
Thanks, love! Stop my any time.
On 05/21/08 at 7:35 am
Rox said:
I’ve found that you can make sex as big a part of your life as you want to. If you decide it’s important, you better have the chemistry. If it’s not that big a deal, dont worry about it. If its REALLY important to you, dont get married. If it’s REALLY REALLY important to you, get married and fool around.
On 05/21/08 at 8:06 am
Trista said:
Very true. But if you are one of those people for whom it IS a big deal, it is best not to involve yourself with someone for whom it is not.
Otherwise there WILL be an Ignacio in your life…ya know?
On 05/21/08 at 8:37 am
Rox said:
I think we’re sayin the same thing ; )
On 05/21/08 at 9:21 am
Trista said:
Yeah…pretty. much. I like you, Rox!
On 05/21/08 at 2:41 pm
Rox said:
It’s mutual…..but I think I might be more Karris type. : D
On 05/21/08 at 3:15 pm
Trista said:
No beard?
On 05/21/08 at 9:40 am
Meghan said:
Yeah - re-reading it and it sounds like a problem. She does ask if “attraction can grow”, suggesting not much to begin with.
I usally spend the 1st month thinking, “I really hope he likes me!”, not, “I really hope I start to like HIM!”
On 05/21/08 at 9:50 am
Meghan said:
whoops - this posted up higher also.
On 05/21/08 at 10:02 am
Trista said:
So nice you said it twice…and stuff.
On 05/21/08 at 9:43 am
Meghan said:
Sexual chemistry is the same as chemistry class, for me. I add a little of this, you add a little of that and if we get the formula down the results are Incredible.
But even if we fuck it up a little, we will still get a great big explosion that blows our hair back.
On 05/21/08 at 9:47 am
Carol said:
It can be that way…and it’s fun to play around with the formula. But, for me, it’s usually primal, electric and something I don’t want to control….something that creates it’s own formula with the “lab partner”.
On 05/21/08 at 9:49 am
Meghan said:
I didn’t mean control. Just more along the lines of what you were saying about each individual lab partner. Sometimes it takes some time in a new relationship.
I could use a new lab partner.
On 05/21/08 at 10:02 am
Trista said:
I could just use some time in the lab…sheesh.
On 05/21/08 at 10:14 am
Lisa said:
Amen to that.
On 05/21/08 at 11:33 am
chomsky at the bit said:
OMG …LIKE FER’ SUUUURE.
On 05/21/08 at 11:35 am
Trista said:
You ass.
On 05/21/08 at 11:35 am
chomsky at the bit said:
O. M. G. LIKE FER’ SUUUURE. What? I dig science.
On 05/21/08 at 11:41 am
Trista said:
Only when you are playing with your test tube.
On 05/21/08 at 11:37 am
Carol said:
Control..play…you are right, M. Probably not the best word choice. All I meant is I like not having to even think about it. Sometimes.
On 05/21/08 at 10:12 am
Jeremy said:
Wow, there’s a lot of estrogen in the room today!
Yeah, less than a month isn’t long enough. She’s saying there’s no sexual chemistry, not that he’s repulsive. That’s an important distinction. I’d say give it another month, it sounds like this guy at least deserves a chance to get to know his whole personality.
On 05/21/08 at 10:20 am
Trista said:
I don’t have sex with a personality.
I kid.
I am just saying, that I have tried before to stick it out with guys that I wasn’t initially attracted to…and it never happened. I need at least a little bit of a spark…be it an intellectual one or a physical attraction…either of those can create some sexual chemistry for me. If there is nothing between us, and I am sticking it out merely because he is a good guy, I am doing neither of us any favors.