My In-Phallible Addiction
May 8, 2008 · Print This Article
Karri and Trista have asked that I share my battle with addiction in the hopes it will help others. There is NOT a twelve step program for women like me. We must embrace our addiction and learn how to live with it on our own terms. My terms include indulging all of my phallic-based desires, up to and including the ultimate high of their creamy goodness.
Not those phallic shaped desires, people. I am talking about Hostess, not Ho-Stress!
Granted, in my current state of celibacy, their phallic goodness is the ONLY such goodness I am receiving into my body. Ah, such sweet release. I want Hostess products so bad I can taste them before they even enter my mouth. I never know exactly when the urge to use will strike. Missiles were fired last night, and they were not the fun sexually- expelled missiles. Dammit.
Like some junkie on the street, I had to get my fix. I succumbed to the quick-high of the one-hit Ho-Ho pack at the convenience market. The Curse of the Dong struck swiftly, as Dong curses tend to do. My hips blessed to have escaped another round of ammunition. People talk about a monkey on their back. Imagine you are faced with the Curse of the Dong. It’s not pretty.
The addiction has grown in recent years. I used to be satisfied with a semi-annual Hostess High. The fix was quick and immediate, without lingering or residual side effects. Now, Hostess has become my enemy. I have no defense against their damn chocolate covered army of sexually related baked goods. Naturally, they just had to add that creamy center to really drive the nail into my coffin of sexual anguish.
I know they did not do this to me alone. It is not a personal vendetta from my former lover who probably has a VP position at Hostess. Still, it is sexual and hormonal anguish. It hurts…my ass.
Have you ever noticed the Hostess line up? Each tasty treat reminds me of sex today. I am a woman, not turned on by Suzie Q, fruit pies or Sno-balls. But, I do love my phallic shaped Ho-Ho and Twinkie friends, as well as Ding Dongs. My only support group is that of women who have shared my addiction. We are NOT alone!
Today, I freely and openly admit that I suffer the Curse of the Dong six weeks a year. I have an addiction to Hostess products. It is progress, not perfection. Thanks for letting me share.
What guilty pleasure or secret addiction do you have? Help yourself. Admitting you have the addiction is the first step!
We are honored to have Carol as our very first guest writer here at Eve-101 and we hope you enjoy her as much as we do.
“I live in My Truth. I want to learn more about yours. Just be you and I will be me.”
~Carol
On 05/8/08 at 6:04 am
Carol said:
GOOD MORNING!!!
On 05/8/08 at 6:26 am
Karri said:
Good Morning Sunshine!
Thank you again for supporting Eve…and my fat content. Because of you I ate Zingers and cupcakes last night!
On 05/8/08 at 6:27 am
Carol said:
Own it, woman. Own it….I did NOT make you eat anything.
Wait until you get the details from my night….
On 05/8/08 at 6:31 am
Karri said:
How dare you use my own words against me in my moment of weakness. That’s just mean!
On 05/8/08 at 6:37 am
Carol said:
I was channeling my inner-Trista, too! We must own our choices. Unless of course, you are one of those people who randomly eats things while sleeping.
On 05/8/08 at 6:44 am
Karri said:
Oh, look who brought the funny today. Nice, very nice! I would’ve saved the Zinger for my nocturnal eating but I didn’t want to wake up with cream in my hair. *snicker*
On 05/8/08 at 6:47 am
Carol said:
If you could only hear me laughing out loud right now. It would annnoy the fuck out of you because it’s bordering on that cackle-snort-catch your breath laughter.
Since when are you opposed to waking up with creamy substances?
On 05/8/08 at 6:48 am
Mary said:
You’re definitely going to have to own the Zinger thing….because Carol will tell you that she would NEVER suggest Zingers over Hostess!
I’m going to assume, however, that it was a snack emergency and cut you some slack for your breach of good taste.
On 05/8/08 at 6:51 am
Karri said:
Listen here Missy…if I’m going to wake up with any creamy remnants there’d better be a Hoo-Ha involved not a Ho-Ho!
On 05/8/08 at 6:54 am
Mary said:
oooh, you called me “missy”.
I must be in BIG trouble.
WOOHOO!! Banned on my first visit.
*giggles at “hoo-ha”*
On 05/8/08 at 6:56 am
Karri said:
That was for Gi’g Mary. I wouldn’t call you Missy…yet.
On 05/8/08 at 6:57 am
Trista said:
I keep meaning to hold a meeting on how we welcome new comers around here.
Karri, we don’t start the abuse until they are already HOOKED, dammit!
On 05/8/08 at 6:59 am
Trista said:
Oh, you were abusing Carol? Carry on, Karri. She can’t leave us now!
On 05/8/08 at 7:01 am
Karri said:
Mary has a quicker clicker than I do. Which in turn made me look like an ass!
On 05/8/08 at 7:01 am
Mary said:
damn.
On 05/8/08 at 7:25 am
Carol said:
Listen here, Missy…(and yes, I WILL call you that!!!) no sad faces around her today.
On 05/8/08 at 7:29 am
Mary said:
YAY! I was just sad because “missy” wasn’t intended for me. I’m all better now that I got my own “missy”
On 05/8/08 at 7:33 am
Carol said:
You just need to come back and visit here more often. I think there is a three blog rule…and you can be appropriately berated. Or something.
On 05/8/08 at 7:53 am
Karri said:
That’s it exactly…we hold the “jump in” ceremony on the third visit, so be prepared Ms. Mary.
On 05/8/08 at 10:59 am
Chris said:
Karri called me “Mister” in a previous comment, does that count?
On 05/8/08 at 11:57 am
Carol said:
Not the same. I think it could be Buddy…with the same implied sarcasm.
On 05/8/08 at 1:09 pm
Chris said:
She kept playing the “straight-man,” as it were… opening the door for my quips (her word), and I caved to the temptation (she is so tempting, you know!)
On 05/8/08 at 10:51 pm
Carol said:
All I have for that one is….Forbidden.Fruit.Just.Tastes.Better!
On 05/8/08 at 6:46 am
Trista said:
Ha!
I plan on embracing my need to feed later when I curl up with some of the lemony cupcakes (gotta be the lemon)and my bio notes. And together we shall LICK my final.
Carol, I could not think of a better person to have invited into the inner circle of Eve…thank you.
On 05/8/08 at 6:49 am
Carol said:
Dammit, woman…I am in my “light and snarky” mode today. Don’t say nice things to me. *giggle*
THANK YOU.
<—does her best to NOT think of how Trista licks…..anything.
On 05/8/08 at 10:01 am
PJ said:
<- Does his best To…
On 05/8/08 at 10:15 am
Carol said:
She will love to know that you are visualuzing her licking skills.
On 05/8/08 at 11:02 am
Chris said:
For years, I’ve been visualizing Trista’s… well, never mind.
.
Great… now she’s going to call me a tease, again.
On 05/8/08 at 7:19 pm
RFA said:
Dork
guilty pleasures? well///// not really guilty about them so none. hehe
On 05/8/08 at 6:14 am
Mary said:
Holy snack cakes, Batgirl!
I almost *ahem* creamed myself when I saw the TOWER-O-HOSTESS GOODNESS!
You have no idea just how much I adore Ding Dongs. I can’t buy them. It’s shameful what I can do to a box of those delicious snacks. Still, I think they were better when they came in foil instead of plastic. Not only did they taste better, but I could make jewelry with the aluminum foil wrapper.
Love you!!
XOXOXOXOXO
On 05/8/08 at 6:23 am
Carol said:
Absolutely. Oh,I get all misty-eyed just thinking about the foil.
I just wrote the text…Karri found and selected the photos.
Thanks for stopping by. I was feeling so alone!!!
On 05/8/08 at 6:31 am
Mary said:
I have a strict policy that no one is alone in feeling alone in my presence.
So, now we can feel alone together.
Yes, I realize none of that makes sense…
On 05/8/08 at 6:35 am
Carol said:
It doesn’t have to make sense. And, we are not alone. Yeah! Read PJ’s comment and help me out.
On 05/8/08 at 6:24 am
Cassie said:
We all know that ANYONE that gets between me and my Ding Dongs around a certain time risks death and dismemberment!!
On 05/8/08 at 6:29 am
Carol said:
Well, it’s not a secret amongst us friends. PMS is the only reason I buy the damn things. I escaped for the past two months. I have a strong feeling this one is going to come back and bite me in the ass.
Or add three pounds to it. *snort*
On 05/8/08 at 7:51 pm
the other Tori said:
I try to tell myself that its just water weight
and that the other 3 weeks I will eat right and make up for it… then I give in
On 05/8/08 at 6:29 am
Mary said:
well, the same goes for me, so watch out, lady.
I’ll just fill the trunk on my way to Austin. That should cover us through at least Saturday…
On 05/8/08 at 6:31 am
Carol said:
I wish I was making the trip…but, Austin is not in my cards. Hug the girls for me.
On 05/8/08 at 6:35 am
Mary said:
I refuse to accept your cards. We must find a way!!
On 05/8/08 at 6:44 am
Cassie said:
WHY THE FUCK WILL MY PIC NOT SHOW UP?????
I think this Eve-101 site hates me…I’ve been to that gravatar site ans EREEERYTING!!! lmao
On 05/8/08 at 6:46 am
Trista said:
Noooo…we love you. I think I am going to hold a seminar about it next week or something!
On 05/8/08 at 1:31 pm
Sarahh said:
Oh and yeah…
Hi, my name is Sarahh and I am a dark shadow with no face.
No matter how hard I try to fix it.
**sobs**
On 05/8/08 at 6:47 am
Karri said:
Eve does NOT hate you! When Captain America (Kevin) shows up, have him help you. He’s been assigned our Avatar Coordinator.
On 05/8/08 at 6:51 am
Carol said:
Avatar Coordinator. That cracks me up. He leaps out of the net to solve gravatar issues in a single bound…..
On 05/8/08 at 10:29 am
Kevin said:
Well… as I said yesterday, I’m not sure I can even remember the 12,000 steps I went through to finally get mine working. But… I’m more than willing to help out where I can. I’m still waiting to hear back from 2 others who were having “shadow issues”. Not sure if they got it working, yet… or even if my basic advice helped at all. So um… can you just fire me and get it over with? Lol.
On 05/8/08 at 6:59 am
Mary said:
i’m sure it has nothing to do with user error…
go to http://www.gravatar.com
click on MY Gravatar.
You should have a page that says “Select an email address (below) to modify or add a new one”
and underneath that a box with your email address and your photo. if the photo is still blank, you have to “Choose a an image (below) to use for the selected email (above) or add a new one” by clicking on the picture you uploaded - - at the bottom of the page. Basically, your photo will show twice on the page if you’ve done it correctly.
On 05/8/08 at 7:04 am
Cassie said:
FUCK USER ERROR!!!
I give up..I’m just gonna stay a G-D shadow…I’VE DONE ALL THAT, thank you very much!
On 05/8/08 at 7:09 am
Mary said:
you’re so cute when you’re mad. even as a G-D shadow, i can see how cute you are.
On 05/8/08 at 8:14 am
Cassie said:
yeah, yeah
On 05/8/08 at 8:25 am
Carol said:
This is probably the perfect time to tell everyone how sweet, cute, adorable and fun you are….and that you LOVE to give hugs to strangers!
*evil-ass-grin*
On 05/8/08 at 8:29 am
Cassie said:
then again….maybe not!!
YES, your comment caused a chuckle!! LOL
On 05/8/08 at 8:56 am
Carol said:
I am one snarky girl today….It.Feels. Good.
On 05/8/08 at 9:23 am
Carol said:
If (and that is a huge IF) my house sells before then, I will have no issue making the trip. But, it’s all in the timing and the sale and closing are two things certainly beyond my control. I’ll be there in spirit, regardless. Squish, Cassie and others have had enough hugs from me to share with you!
On 05/8/08 at 6:29 am
PJ said:
So, what does my Zebra Cake and Red Bull addiction say about me?
On 05/8/08 at 6:33 am
Carol said:
Good question! I don’t know…maybe that you have a shitton of energy while you are eating…..your cake.
On 05/8/08 at 6:39 am
PJ said:
I just had to google “shitton.” Can I still have cake?
On 05/8/08 at 6:44 am
Carol said:
I am so honored that anyone would google anything on behalf of my language! Yes, shitton is a favorite of mine. To me, it just sounds better than “Helluva lot”.
You googled…I would have to offer you cake AND ice cream. Maybe even a cup-a-joe on the side.
On 05/8/08 at 7:07 am
PJ said:
Be careful, if you start doling out cake and ice cream I just might give you a twinkie.
On 05/8/08 at 7:10 am
Mary said:
he “just might give you a twinkie”.
*snicker*
On 05/8/08 at 7:20 am
Carol said:
Oooh….that is quite the offer.
On 05/8/08 at 6:37 am
Mary said:
Well, I’m not sure, but wild animals sure seem to have a role in it…
On 05/8/08 at 6:41 am
Carol said:
See, Sarah is normally over here with talk of goats. The zebra bit threw me off. Wide awake beastiality? *shudders*
On 05/8/08 at 6:49 am
Mary said:
well, I almost typed “beastiality”, but I don’t know PJ well enough…or at all!
On 05/8/08 at 6:53 am
Carol said:
Neither do I…but this is how friends are made, no? Talk of sex, phallic shaped things and creamy goodness….it seems anything after that would be fair game.
On 05/8/08 at 6:55 am
Karri said:
Feel free, Mary. For it is not a successful day until someone mentions animal sex here at Eve-101. We’re just inappropriate like that.
On 05/8/08 at 6:56 am
Carol said:
Where the heck is Sarah? I mean, really…don’t the words “animal sex” send the bat signal to Florida?
On 05/8/08 at 7:04 am
Karri said:
Can someone check on her? We start to worry when our family members don’t show up!
On 05/8/08 at 7:26 am
Carol said:
I am calling her right now!
On 05/8/08 at 1:33 pm
Sarahh said:
The Goat is always here in spirit…
Love you guys!
On 05/8/08 at 2:34 pm
Carol said:
How was the museum with twenty kiddos? I am just an idiot for not seeting your email BEFORE wondering where you were!
On 05/8/08 at 6:57 am
PJ said:
I can take a good joke. I’m a half way decent guy. … Event though Zebras are pretty and stuff, they aren’t that pretty.
On 05/8/08 at 7:12 am
Carol said:
Do you eat other things that are not pretty?
On 05/8/08 at 7:20 am
PJ said:
Depends. What kind of ice cream?
On 05/8/08 at 7:24 am
Carol said:
<—brain.in.gutter.
I love caramel, nuts, chocolate and marshmallow sauce ….and yes, on ice cream, too.