On the consistency of clouds and the constant of change

Sometimes they grow toward us, when we think that they won’t ever change.

That is the best.

Beautiful piece

I never looked at someone like they were a fixer-upper.

meh.
changing people takes too much energy! acceptance is always a better course of action.

Beautifully put. Unfortunately, it seems as though it takes many, years and several failed relationships to figure this out. I never really understood, if the girl I was dating liked me in the beginning, why she would feel the need to change me into something else. However, there are just some people that are like that, always feeling the need to “fix” or “change” another. That just won’t work though.

Thinking I could change someone ended my first marraige. Ah the naivety of youth. When I realized he would never change is when I realized that wasn’t the person for me.

I agree accepting someone for who they are completely, releases the unreal expectations of the “perfect” mate. I think it is essential in any relationship. Without it there is nothing but dissapointment.

Loved this.

“And perhaps there is more of a safety net in reception than there is in resistance.”

Walking down the road of misery together? Oh, gawd! I think I’ve caught the flu.

LOVELOVELOVE it my lovely!

Beautifully expressed…in both words and photos.

I shall do what I can to feel as strong as that tree today. It’s the perfect image to carry inside while I ponder the significance of releasing all expectations, versus unfair expectations.

ok so this was perfect for me

As with most things, I think that this is an issue of “choosing our battles.” As you have suggested, I doubt that there is anyone (who is rational) who wants to be in a relationship with a clone of him or herself — variety truly is the spice of life. However, none of us is perfect. We all have our particular idiosyncrasies. What you or I or anyone considers an “idiosyncrasy,” someone else might consider a “flaw.” For example, if your partner tends to swear like a rapper, I don’t think that it is inappropriate to suggest that he be mindful of his words at your sibling’s wedding or at your ten year old nephew’s birthday party or at your company’s Holiday dinner, etc. It is probably a good idea to suggest that your partner not chew with her mouth open when she’s taken out to lunch after her job interview. Those may seem like silly examples, but I use them to make a point. We all do things that others may find rude, annoying or frankly offensive. As adults, we are aware (or should be, at least) that there are situations where some of our “idiosyncrasies” are simply not appropriate. That falls under the category of “maturity,” methinks.

I suspect that those are not necessarily the sort of “changes” that you’re discussing, however. I frequently run into trouble in my relationship because I can be pretty stoic. I’ve never liked that idea of burdening other people with my problems (my own issue, I know…), so I tend to clam up when something is bothering me. I also don’t like to discuss things until I’ve got a pretty good idea of where my head is on a particular issue. This is often perceived by others as anger, disinterest or a host of things that aren’t true. Through this relationship, I have learned that my silence can be very disconcerting and that I can and will strengthen this relationship by changing the way that I communicate. I suspect that this will also affect my interactions with others. And because this relationship is so important to me, I am willing to and *want* to change.

People will change (or at least try to change) if they are motivated to do so, but the change has to come from within. If you and your relationship is important to your partner, my personal belief is that nothing should be non-negotiable. Communication is paramount. So is a degree of personal insight. Before suggesting that someone else change his or her ways, I think it’s vital that we put some thought into understanding why we think such a change is necessary. I think that we will find that the changes we want people to make often say more about us than they do about them.

Apologies for the long response, Trista.

I think everyone can agree that we all ask for too much from our partners in respect to change and that they in return ask too much from us as well. Nobody likes to hear that they need to change to be acceptable to someone else. I think a good relationship survives on compromise between one another, rather than compromise within oneself.

A few “pithy” sayings:
A woman marries a man hoping he’ll change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman hoping she won’t change, but she does.
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“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”
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“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man.”
- Heraclitus (~536 B.C.E. - ~470 B.C.E.)

You have to get to the point where you know that there is no way that you can change someone else. When you can accept that then you are ready to be in a relationship with a partner.

“Relationships are peculiar things. The more time you spend with this other human being the more you grow to look at them like they are a project. A fixer-upper. Your own personal property with which you can do whatever you desire.”

That’s a preposterous idea, at least for any healthy individual over 25. I understand lowering the bar to obtain the greatest audience (simple math), but why go soooo far! When can we expect the “where has chivalry gone?” piece?

And - since I am nominating myself your sole, yet loyal and trustworthy, critic - enough with the pictures. The pictures all are worth 1,000 words, but they’re someone else’s 1,000 words - lifting someone’s calendar art doesn’t enhance your own ideas.

You are entitled to your opinion, good sir…but forgive me if I do not change the way I put together blogs for you and you alone.
As far as how you feel about the subject matter, again, you can rip on it all you want but I have seen plenty of adults trying to manipulate each other into making changes that will benefit them rather than their partner. Perhaps you and your group of friends are more advanced than most. Aces for you.
And the “chivalry is gone” post will be going up soon, I promise.

I don’t think I’ve changed much in the last 15 years. I’m a confident guy and comfortable with myself. I don’t see me changing for anyone. And furthermore, I usually encourage people to be “themselves”. CHANGE SCHMANGE!!!!!

Accepting and loving someone in spite of their flaws is essential. When in a relationship, hopefully you will both grow together not necessarily at the exact same speed. It’s just a delicate balancing act, you help each other even out. The sad part is when one keeps growing and the other just stagnates, then it all falls apart.

That was an excellent article. It should be required reading for anyone considering getting involved in a relationship and especially before getting married.

“There is so much beauty in variation.”

I LOVE this line!

Thank you!