Once a cheater, always a cheater?
May 22, 2008 · Print This Article
Welcome to “He said, She said,” where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
He Said:
Adultery was once punishable by law as severe as the death penalty, imprisonment, it’s frowned upon and people ostracize you. Now I have to take matters into my own hands. Cheating is an addiction, like drugs, alcohol and sex, and some have even linked it to a mental disorder. If you’re an alcoholic whose hit rock bottom, and sought out help, I commend you, but you’ll never fool me into thinking that the thought of picking up a drink never occurs to you. It’s inescapable that when things get too tough you crumble and reach out to that thing that once gave you comfort.
This isn’t just the physical involvement with someone other than your mate. This includes an emotional affair, even talking, trading and sharing those racy photos of yourself with this private conquest that you keep hidden out of view from me. You’re sloppy about it so I catch you. I burn your clothes and throw you out. You break it off with the suitor, ask me for forgiveness, I take you back, but now you’ve become risky material to get involved with, not to mention used meat. You’re incapable of being in a faithful relationship. You took a bite into the apple and fell into this other guy’s bed giving indication of what you’ll have no problem doing again.
You see, cheating is like any disease, except this time it’s deceptive, some do it because their mate doesn’t satisfy them sexually, or neglects them emotionally, some do it because of lack of confidence, or they like the attention from someone new. To say it won’t happen again is a cop out, because it will. You can’t escape the pain and conflict within you that drives you to seek out affections from someone else. Instead of getting yourself dirty in the symbolic sense and doing the real work in fixing your relationship, you give in to temptation and EMERGE with this man that you’ve kept hidden from me. You open up Pandora’s Box, and the flood gates open and it’s too late to have an honest discussion about what’s wrong, because you’re already in deep shit. What did Jesus say, “If you’ve done it in your mind, you’ve already done it.” Infidelity is the most unforgivable, over murder. You cheat on me, you ain’t leavin’ until the cops show up.
She said:
For the love of all that is holy and ungodly, someone stone me in the courtyard and brand my bosom with a Scarlet Letter, for I have been unfaithful. Or perhaps we should fast forward a few thousand years and dial 911 so I can EMERGE with my life in tact. Seriously, what happened to repentance and forgiveness? Guess we skipped those chapters, eh?
Contrary to popular belief, not all leopards are created equal…some actually have the ability to change their spots once they realize their soul is on the line. Moral fiber isn’t perfectly woven and it’s hypocrisy at its finest to think that as humans we’ll never trip and stumble. Some of the greatest epiphanies happen when we’re face down in the gutter. By no means however does that prevent us from picking ourselves up, brushing off the alcohol soaked vomit and proceeding to make life altering decisions.
It would be foolish to argue that infidelity isn’t painful or even that it’s excusable; what it is not however is incurable. The underlying issues that cause such a detrimental action run amuck in the minds of those who lurk in the shadows and hold their breath each time the phone rings. And although ultimately the most selfish betrayal one could engage in, it is simultaneously self-defeating.
Thankfully, jerky is a tasty little snack for carnivores that can dismiss the shortcomings of another’s past. Highly evolved individuals have the ability to comprehend that some of us are better off due to the lessons that we’ve learned and more importantly for the one’s that we will never repeat again.
Innocent bystander or guilty party, which gender are you in agreement with? Should we forgive and move on or gather the natives and conduct a hanging ceremony?
Writer/Author, Kevin Hunter is a California native who enjoys penning trashy beach reads while…living at the beach, of course.
“Dating is like going to battle - be prepared to get dirty.”
~Kevin Hunter
On 05/22/08 at 1:55 am
Carol said:
Technically, once someone has cheated, they will always be a cheater. The question for me when I learn someone has cheated in their past is “what did you learn from it and why do you think you did it?” The answer usually tells me everything I need to know. I do think that SOME cheaters can change their ways. It totally depends on their individual drivers for the behavior and how they responded to their own actions.
I look forward to the comments on this one !
On 05/22/08 at 6:20 am
Karri said:
If someone can be honest about their past, yes I agree it will usually give you a tremendous amount of insight as to what makes them tick…or at least what did at one time.
On 05/22/08 at 7:27 am
Carol said:
I had a man tell me once that no one had ever cared as to the WHY’s behind his actions. Once he really opened up about that with me, it seems he opened up on so many other things, too. It’s like trusting someone with your darkest place sheds light on so much else. He and I are still very close. He said he knew I was not asking to judge him, only to understand him. Somehow, it made a difference.
On 05/22/08 at 8:04 am
Karri said:
It’s all about making a difference!
On 05/22/08 at 8:18 am
Carol said:
Yes, it is…funny how we both come back to those three magic words.
On 05/22/08 at 3:11 am
~Lori~ said:
Oooh, this is a touchy subject for me. This is how my 17 year marriage ended. I could handle alot but when he crossed that line, I snapped. Having that trust broken, is rough. I will admit his true mistress was drug addiction, thing is I could have forgiven that, if he had just told me I need help, please help me beat this, but breaking our marriage vows I couldn’t. I do believe that when people cheat, there are different mitigating factors, some just don’t give a damn, and just want to have fun, think the grass is greener on the other side, and usually kick themselves in the ass later on. Others, it’s a matter of being neglected in their current relationship. I will admit to at one point talking to an old friend from high school, which I told the ex about at one time, and crushing on him, but it seemed that no matter what I did to make my relationship with the spouse work, the spouse wouldn’t make the same effort. When he realized how much I spoke with this other person, jealousy ensued, it was not pleasant. The thing is, I thought it was done between us at the time, and when we spoke, he was so hurt, and told me go to this person if it was what I wanted, and I remember thinking, and telling him, I never wanted that person really, only him, to treat me right. We ended up working it out. I will say this I don’t regret it, because this other person in my life at the time, never encouraged me to leave my husband, only told me, to considered how I wanted to be treated as wife, mother, and a woman. He was real friend when I needed it in my life. The spouse and I went on for quite a few years after that(took about a year to rebuild the trust), till he got strung out, but it opened the doors to communication during that time. I will not ever cross the line though, to land in bed behind the partners back, I know how much that betrayal hurts. As for the emotional aspect of cheating, if it looks like it going that way in a future relationship, I will block that part out, and try to make mine work, if not then walk away and rebuild. It’s only fair to the significant other and to myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like who I see each day. There is no clear cut answer to this, people are human, make mistakes, admitting them is the biggest step to not repeating them, it is up to you and only you.
On 05/22/08 at 6:26 am
Karri said:
To me personally, and trust me I’m not judging as I’ve been in both situations, but I think that “emotional cheating” is far more detrimental to a relationship than “physically cheating”. Again, it goes to the underlying reasons why, but generally speaking once we engage in an emotional affair our significant other doesn’t stand a chance. A roll in the hay however can be an emotionally disconnected event (especially for men).
Either way, physically or emotionally, once we cross that line that particular relationship will never be the same!
On 05/22/08 at 6:52 am
Charles Albert Green said:
WTF is “emotional cheating”?
On 05/22/08 at 6:59 am
Trista said:
Ehm…
http://eve-101.com/fooled-aroundor-fell-in-love/
On 05/22/08 at 7:13 am
Charles Albert Green said:
Eh, now I know. And knowings half the battle. If you are so invested in someone else wouldn’t sex naturally occur?
On 05/22/08 at 7:15 am
Trista said:
not always, and not at first. But it is part of the progression, most of the time.
On 05/22/08 at 7:01 am
Karri said:
To quote Kevin, “This isn’t just the physical involvement with someone other than your mate. This includes an emotional affair, even talking, trading and sharing those racy photos…”
Spending time with someone talking, coffee, kayaking, mountain biking, rock climbing…oh sorry…that was my ex-husband and his now wife!
On 05/22/08 at 7:14 am
Charles Albert Green said:
Ouch! At least they got married….. if you are a glass half full type of person……
On 05/22/08 at 7:20 am
Karri said:
Mmmmm Hmmmm…and let me paint you a picture of their wedding ceremony…on the cliffs of the Pacific, the pastor says, and I quote! “We are here today over looking this magnificent location where E and J kayaked on their very first date.”
UMMMMM…HELLO?! He was still married to me!
On 05/22/08 at 7:26 am
Charles Albert Green said:
“We are here today over looking this magnificent location where E and J kayaked on their very first date.”
UMMMMM…HELLO?! He was still married to me!
DAMN!!! Just damn. I believe there’s a special ring in hell for your ex.
On 05/22/08 at 7:32 am
Karri said:
Eh…apparently they’re happy, so I will be happy for them.
Glass. Half. Full.
On 05/22/08 at 8:26 am
Charles Albert Green said:
You never cease to amaze me. I’d be a glass half way up his ass type of person! At least for a solid decade or two. You know, not forever.
On 05/22/08 at 9:06 am
Karri said:
Thank you, but to be honest I don’t have that kind of energy to waste. It was such a tumultuous time, I’m just glad it’s over!
On 05/22/08 at 8:43 am
Kevin M. said:
I hear where you’re going with this… but fuck that. If you cheat on my “physically”, you’ve cheated on me “emotionally” tenfold. Crossing that line is, to me, the most destructive thing you can do to me… EMOTIONALLY. To cross that line, you have to kill all the trust, love and respect that we once had. And ALL of that lends to my entire emotional being. And I swear to ::insert personal higher-being here::… if I EVER hear someone say to me, “It didn’t mean anything”, or “It was purely a physical, one-time, spur-of-the-moment thing”… I will punch them in the face, repeatedly, and tell them, “That didn’t mean anything… it was purely physical.”
On 05/22/08 at 9:12 am
Carol said:
This is a huge difference between men and women, I think. Given the choice between a partner having an emotional attachment and sharing TRUE intimacy with some non-physical woman and the choice of him fucking a stranger’s brains out…I would choose the latter. Both suck, I just think the emotional connection is MUCH deeper than any physical one.
On 05/22/08 at 9:16 am
Kevin M. said:
But.. I AM a man. And it is BOTH the physical and emotional that I will NEVER tolerate. I guess if you HAD to choose… I suppose I’d agree with you. But that’s like choosing to die by either burning, or mauled by lions. Lol.
On 05/22/08 at 1:32 pm
Carol said:
There you go again with NEVER.
On 05/22/08 at 9:13 am
Karri said:
I’m going to ignore the fact that it appears as though you’re saying you’d punch a woman in the face.
On 05/22/08 at 9:18 am
Kevin M. said:
Well.. that was meant for ANYONE who uses that bullshit statement. But while I am also HUGELY against hitting women, et al… I would certainly hope I’ve got the willpower to resist doing exactly that if a girlfriend of mine not only cheated on me, but came with “but it was only a physical attraction… one-time thing… he means nothing to me” as an excuse.
On 05/22/08 at 9:30 am
Karri said:
DUDE…STOP! SERIOUSLY!
You do NOT want to open the cans of worms that is domestic violence. TRUST ME! I do not care if she told you that she slept with your bestfriend, Brother and Father you should know yourself well enough to know that you would have the willpower to walk away, and not just “hope” for it.
On 05/22/08 at 9:42 am
Kevin M. said:
Ok… you need to stop being so serious. While that is THE most serious of subjects… it was only an expression I used up there. And you’re leading me down this path. I’m the guy that avoids fights… PERIOD. Except for when I see a woman being handled or hit by a man… and then HE is sure to deal with MY pent up fury. Trust me on this, the closest I’ve ever come to being “violent” with a woman was when I pushed her from a seated position on the bed… to laying down… SOOO forcefully into those huge pillows, etc. But she got the point. I was furious, because she essentially stabbed my soul with her words… to involve things like “no wonder your mom almost died”, etc. Was probably the singlemost worst thing someone has ever said to me. And all she got was a hand on her chest and a finger point in her face… well, and my unadulterated verbal rage. But yeah… you have now worries with me, K. I am NOT that guy.
On 05/22/08 at 9:44 am
Kevin M. said:
*NO worries* Dammit… would it kill me to proof my posts BEFORE I hit ‘Add comment’??
On 05/22/08 at 9:59 am
Karri said:
Don’t make me cut yo’ face!
***Not that I would, I’ve just been waiting for weeks to use that line. ***
KISSKISS
LOVELOVE
On 05/22/08 at 10:05 am
Kevin M. said:
Ha! But hey, if I deserved it? Go for it. It’ll make a great scar to make up stories about to my grandkids. Lol. Just don’t go Bobbitt on me, ok? >.<
On 05/22/08 at 10:08 am
Karri said:
As long as you don’t “cleanse your soul” I won’t chop off your parts. Deal?
On 05/22/08 at 12:59 pm
Carol said:
Damn…talk of violence. I leave for a few hours and BOOM! I would much prefer to think of being (lovingly) manhandled against some pillows.
On 05/22/08 at 1:52 pm
Karri said:
It was much funnier when the swishy gay waiter who’s never dressed in drag (although isn’t against it) said it.
On 05/22/08 at 10:55 am
~Lori~ said:
I’m not disagreeing at all Karri, but what point would it be to regret something that is said and done. I learned how it hurt my spouse, and he learned he couldn’t shut me out like that or we wouldn’t survive. It more or less opened both our eyes at the time. A learning experience to say the least.
On 05/22/08 at 1:52 pm
Karri said:
No regrets, only life lessons!
On 05/22/08 at 3:26 am
Meghan said:
Hi, My Name is Meghan, and I was(am) a cheater.
I was in college, and never got caught. But the whole experience made me so miserable I really don’t think I could ever do that to myself or somebody else again. I was in a relationship - but not happy. And cheating with a guy also in a relationship back at home (this was college). Just 2 fuck buddies *ugh* - I hate that term. It was all fun and games until I met her one weekend and felt like a total fucking asshole for what I had done. She was a good person, and she had no clue! I promptly ended both my relationship and the hook up, and vowed to never be that woman again. One of the few things I regret.
On 05/22/08 at 6:31 am
Karri said:
Eeeek! I feel ya…been there. Two unhappy people, neither having the balls to get out of their respective relationships. What a fucking mess! Truly one of the lessons I wish I didn’t need to learn through experience. *sigh*
Megs, you can’t regret something that you’ve learned from. At least that’s my opinion.
On 05/22/08 at 8:52 am
Kevin M. said:
While cheating and those that conduct such behavior has always disgusted me… I guess TECHNICALLY you could say I have before. I was 18, on the extreme tail end of a year-and-a-half long relationship… was essentially over, just not “officially” over… and had a one-night stand with a long-time crush with a co-worker. Even though I was truly tired of my current and soon-to-be girlfriend, and it was DEFINITELY over… we had not actually said the words to each other. And I still remember that morning after, thinking, “I shouldn’t be feeling this horrible… but technically, I am exactly what I’ve always hated… a cheater.” I vowed to myself right then and there that I will NEVER even come close to putting myself in that type of position again. For one, “when it’s over, THEN JUST MAKE IT SO! You’re not doing anyone any favors by prolonging the inevitable.” Including yourself. And two… “no one in this world deserves that sort of treatment. Ever. So get your shit together, show some fucking respect for her AND yourself, and be a fucking man. DO… NOT… CHEAT. PERIOD.” That moment will always stick with me. And has only made an already strong feeling/opinion even stronger.
On 05/22/08 at 8:53 am
Kevin M. said:
*soon-to-be EX girlfriend* Oh to have an edit button… for once…
On 05/22/08 at 9:16 am
Karri said:
See, we can all learn from our experiences and none of us are above making decisions that perhaps could have been handled differently. But you lived and learned, and that’s all we can ask for. No one ever said this thing called life was going to be a walk in the park.
And yes, TECHNICALLY you’re a cheater too.
On 05/22/08 at 9:35 am
Kevin M. said:
I will however cling desperately to the fact that I was still high school, knew exactly shit about life at that point… much less relationships, and the relationship was virtually over. You can’t bring me down, woman!
On 05/22/08 at 9:14 am
Carol said:
*claps* You just proved my point.
On 05/22/08 at 9:48 am
Kevin M. said:
Don’t hurt your arm, ok? Lol. Nobody deserves that warm and fuzzy feeling over a technicality, ok?
On 05/22/08 at 1:01 pm
Carol said:
I just find it fucking hilarious that my first comment on this blog started out with “Technically”…and it keeps popping up. My humor is severely warped today.
On 05/22/08 at 1:53 pm
Karri said:
See what you started, trouble maker.
On 05/22/08 at 6:10 am
Cassie said:
Demi Moore is hawt…even in Puritan Garb…..that’s all!
On 05/22/08 at 6:11 am
Karri said:
A hawt cougar…my hero!
On 05/22/08 at 6:43 am
Sarahh said:
I think it is situational.
No one can say what they will do when the situation approaches. Even if they have been wronged in the “Other Nooky” department before.
I could say to you, I would never tolerate it. THat is my first instinct. But I can’t sit here and honestly say what I would do. It depends on situation, frequency, what she looks like, why, when, where, etc.
I may want to work it out. I may want to shove my 8.5 black pump up his rectum.
I may want to have him stick around so I can tortue him and dump him when I am done.
Like I said.
Situational
On 05/22/08 at 6:52 am
Karri said:
I honestly believe it is a near impossible expectation that at least 50% of a relationship won’t stray in one way or another at some point. There are simply too many variables. If it doesn’t happen, great, but I will never be surprised if it does. My rule of thumb…I don’t want to know about it!!! Don’t come to me to cleanse your guilty soul, I’m not a priest!
On 05/22/08 at 7:18 am
Sarahh said:
I believe that at least one or both people will stray emotionally.
It is a given. I hate to be that way…
Now the physical act. I give that (for both folks) a 35% chance of happening. Either one.
Actually let me make that 40%
On 05/22/08 at 8:56 am
Kevin M. said:
Well… I agree that I don’t want her to “come to me and cleanse her guilty soul”. But I DEFINITELY want to know. Because I want the fuck outta there… PRONTO! It would absolutely kill me if someone lived with that secret for years, only find out WAY down the road. I might be put away for murder at that point.
On 05/22/08 at 9:18 am
Karri said:
Pardon me dear, but it wouldn’t kill you if you NEVER found out! Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
On 05/22/08 at 9:33 am
Kevin M. said:
Well.. that’s quite a treacherous tightrope you’d be walking. Because while if you NEVER knew, you’d die ignorant of the situation. But you’ve basically been duped in your lifelong marriage by the one that you THOUGHT you were completely and utterly dedicated to. And if her friends or anyone else DID know… and just kept it from you? Well, shit… I hope our souls DON’T get to look down and know/see all when we’re dead. Because you’d basically find out that part of your life was a complete sham and you were made out to be a fool.
But hell… this is all just a bit too spiritual for this topic, I suppose. Right? Lol.
On 05/22/08 at 9:41 am
Karri said:
I’ll refrain from my spiritual dissertation on how we choose our life lessons before we get here.
On 05/22/08 at 10:05 am
Charles Albert Green said:
“Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.”
Bull Shit. I tend to go with the Egyptian version: Ignorance is evil.
On 05/22/08 at 10:14 am
Karri said:
Let’s play a little game shall we?
I’ve been married to a wonderful, dedicated, loving, affectionate man for 10 years. We have 2.5 kids, a house in the burbs, terrific friends…blah, blah, blah.
Our relationship hit a rocky patch, we knew we still loved each other and knew that we’d survive, we just didn’t like each other much at the time. Oh, and we hadn’t had sex in 6 months.
He takes a weekend golf trip with the boys. Has two too many cocktails and gets a handjob by a stripper.
I don’t need to know that shit! And it most certainly not worth confessing or ending a relationship over. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it!
On 05/22/08 at 7:24 am
Carol said:
“shove my 8.5 black pump in his rectum”.
Why ruin a perfectly good pair of shoes?
I agree, Goat Lady. Situational. As is most of life.
On 05/22/08 at 6:46 am
Sarahh said:
And this title…
All I can hear is Rachel from saying to Ross…
“And my mom was all, ‘Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater’…”
Hahahaha.. Sorry Friend Flashback.
On 05/22/08 at 6:57 am
Karri said:
Your Friends flashbacks always make me giggle…thanks!!!
On 05/22/08 at 6:47 am
Charles Albert Green said:
I gotta agree with the hunter on this one. Once a cheater always a cheater. I don’t care if I don’t make any friends with this comment but you can’t justify cheating……. ever. The best you can do is to own it. Love is forgiving the one who cheated and I truly believe that people should be forgiven. But in the same vein how can you get past the obvious trust issues that will follow? No, I’ve never cheated on any girl I’ve been with. But I have been cheated on, and have friends that have cheated and have been cheated on. It always comes down to trust in every case. One party doesn’t trust the other to understand difenciencies in the relationship. It’s even worse if you never get caught and never admit it to your significant other. I had a friend who never broke it off with his mistress even after he ot married. He never got caught and ultimately had children with both women. One knowing full well that he was married and comitted to “living” with his wife. How she could be used like that is beyond my comprehension. My friend is now divorced and getting reemed in child support(can you say karma?). But his ex wife(they divorced over his gambling problem) never knew, and I think still doesn’t know. He even laughed about it once. Like he was some kind of master thief who pilfered from the Louvre.
On 05/22/08 at 6:56 am
Karri said:
What if someone cheats and the relationship ultimately ends (for whatever reason)do you think they will cheat in future relationships? Or do you think it’s possible for them to change their ways?
On 05/22/08 at 7:06 am
Charles Albert Green said:
I think that the person will definantly cheat in the future. Especially if they were never caught. I believe you can change but what were the reasons the person cheated in the first place? It will be an everyday struggle.
On 05/22/08 at 7:14 am
Karri said:
I’m sorry, perhaps I haven’t had enough coffee, but I’m confused. You say that you think they will cheat again, but you also believe people can change. Please clarify for the caffeine deprived.
On 05/22/08 at 7:19 am
Charles Albert Green said:
Change in a matter of you don’t/won’t cheat for the same reason. You’ll still cheat but you’ll just change the “trigger”.
On 05/22/08 at 7:23 am
Karri said:
Okay, now that I’m clear I can respectfully disagree. Of course not everyone is willing/able to do the work to make the changes, but some of us have!
On 05/22/08 at 7:28 am
Charles Albert Green said:
Yeah, but who’s to say you won’t cheat again?