Playing Relationship Risk
August 4, 2008 · Print This Article
They say you hurt the ones you love, and when it comes to fighting I’d say whoever “they” are, they got it right. All may be fair in love and war…but there just isn’t anything at all fair about how two people who love each other engage in battle. We become monstrous versions of ourselves…more malicious, more vicious, and more heartless.
Fighting between couples is especially dangerous business. This is because there is no warfare quite like psychological warfare between two people who are familiar with one another’s psyches. We know just where to aim the death blows to our partner’s ego. Perfectly sane individuals become frighteningly irrational and illogical…and this isn’t all that surprising, is it? Because really, how logical is love?
I have always been the kind of girl that doesn’t turn down a fight. And for many years (okay, forever) I have maintained that there is absolutely nothing at all the matter with the manner in which I engage in the battle d’amour. But lately as I have examined my tools and methods, I have realized that perhaps I am not as fair a fighter as I would like to try to convince myself I am. Please examine the following stages of a battle a la Trista and then you may be my judge, jury and executioner…
Stage 1: The look
When I am entering the beginning stages of agitation, I shoot out this nuclear stare. It says exactly what my words cannot…at least I think it does. I mean, I’m staring right into his eyes, saying all the things that I am angry about…in my head. Okay, no…I’m not actually saying these things OUT LOUD, but I am giving him a portal to my soul! So why is he just standing there looking at me like I’M insane?? At any rate, eventually he will no longer be able to ignore my sour puss and this takes us to…
Stage 2: The bluff
Him: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing”
He knows I’m lying. I know I’m lying. And yet we still do the dance of suppression and avoidance. He’s got his reasons, truthfully I wonder about mine. Anyhow, this is followed by some minor maneuvers such as the silent treatment and the sulking, but these can never hold back the emotions for long. This leads to…
Stage 3: The decoy
A break in the silence, with a seemingly harmless conversation starter that is anything but.
Me: “The kids drew all over the tv.”
Him: “What?”
Me: “Uh huh. You realize why they did this, right? Because you didn’t take them to the park like you said you were going to. You never do anything you say you are going to do…”
Ambush! But once he regains his footing he will retaliate and defuse some of my crazy-bombs, which will bring us into…
Stage 4: The twist
The twist is simply…complicated. Smoke and mirrors. Diversion tactics. Misdirection. That is what this stage is all about…making my man so dizzy he can’t think straight. I don’t really do this on purpose, not a conscious level…it’s just that by now I am caught in an emotional avalanche and I am grabbing at everything that is whizzing by me as I roll down the hill.
Him: “And I don’t like you belittling me in front of our friends.”
Me: “If I make you feel ‘little’ around your friends, why don’t you just keep me hidden from them like the sideshow freak I am, huh?! You insensitive ass, you know I am self-conscious about my height!”
At this point I have crossed over into insanity no-mans land. I am babbling, sniveling, barely coherent; it seems he has won by default, but then…
Stage 5: The bayonet
Just when all seems lost, I will reach out of my pile of self-defeat…and stab him with one final statement, aimed straight at the heart:
“I guess my dad was right about you after all.”
And then I walk away, head down, shoulders sagging from the vacancy of fight, as if he had just fatally wounded me.
This move will piss him off, initially, he might even lash out, but I will fight no more. And so he will believe me to be crazy and irrational to bring up irrelevant shit (and he wouldn’t be wrong…), but still my final words will eat at him. They will be a wound that won’t heal - what the hell did her dad say about me? - but will instead continue to fester until we are forced to flush it out, yet again. In this way, the fights never have a winner. And unfortunately, no true end either.
In retrospect, I can see the grave errors of my fighting style. If the entire point of an argument is to express yourself and be heard and to support and listen to your partner as they do the same, then clearly I was missing the mark. Suppressing the feelings of hurt and fear until they became angry and rage-filled doesn’t keep me from being vulnerable…it just makes me look like a huge bitch.
So what’s a relationship battle-scarred girl like me to do? Well, besides call everyone who’s ever loved me and apologize profusely for all their Trista-induced pain and suffering? I think my newfound awareness has already won half my battle. And now, I focus on staying tuned in and off auto-pilot when I get into a disagreement instead of on winning. But most of all, I am trying my best to put out little fires before they become big ones. I have found that discussing the small issues isn’t nearly as painful as trying to patch up the wounds incurred during big blow outs. Surprise, surprise.
I am not perfect, I am still learning as I go. But my big inner-bitch has been benched…for the most part. I do still let her out to play in the trenches of rush hour traffic though because the 405 really IS a battlefield…
Seriously.
Are you a fair fighter? Have you always been? Have you or a partner ever used a truly horrible below the belt fight method?
On 08/4/08 at 1:57 am
Rex said:
That cinches it. You’re passive-aggressive AND insane. Objectively writing, of course.
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I have no fighting method. I simply allow the woman to go off, defecating from her mouth whatever is swirling in that hormone and coffee-infused brain of hers. The best part is when I agree with them and hold to my word in not talking to them ever again.
It all changes in about a week or so when they call me to “say hi”.
On 08/4/08 at 7:39 am
Trista said:
Now, now…its not like I was like this all the time…and of course it has been blown out of proportion for your reading pleasure…
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Or has it??
On 08/4/08 at 11:18 am
troy said:
yeah I say bullshit to that!
On 08/4/08 at 11:21 am
Trista said:
You think it was an accurate portrayal? Perhaps…but only when I am at my worst!
On 08/4/08 at 12:29 pm
Rex said:
I know when you’re always at your worst… in answering and returning phone calls.
On 08/4/08 at 2:45 pm
Trista said:
Ouch, guilty.
On 08/4/08 at 3:18 pm
Rex said:
I’m not sure… was that me reversing The Decoy on you or me putting a Twist on things OR skipping all that shit and plunging you with The Bayonet with no prep?
On 08/4/08 at 3:34 pm
Trista said:
If we take the smug look on your face in THAT picture of yours…I would say “the look” was in there too…
On 08/4/08 at 3:44 pm
Rex said:
No one has seen my Look in ages. You’d know it once you see it. Just don’t talk shit about my momma or my dog.
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Or my penis size.
On 08/4/08 at 4:41 am
PrincessQ said:
So funny you’d post this today…I swear the universe is sending me signs all over…
*sigh*
I’m usually direct…I say what’s on my mind all the time. There’s only been one person whose fights has drained me…and I mean DRAINED. Funny enough, all those tactics you just listed…he used on me.
I don’t believe in playing games. If something needs to be hashed out, I usually go for it head on.
Nothing worse than a couple whose a powder keg because they keep dancing around the issue to avoid fights.
Which reminds me…maybe I should go take care of ours…
On 08/4/08 at 7:46 am
Trista said:
Its not about playing games so much as it is tied to everything I have been talking about these past couple weeks…I was afraid of being vulnerable in front of my partners, which meant I wouldn’t tell them when I felt hurt of slighted until the repressed feelings bubbled over.
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As I learn to trust, I learn that okay to tell my partner what’s on my mind. And that helps me to break down the walls of my prison of passive aggression.
On 08/4/08 at 4:36 pm
Vic said:
The Universe is sending you signs, alright… it says, “Dip”
On 08/4/08 at 8:04 am
Phoenix said:
Whenever I feel the walls go up and myself “pushing away”, that’s when I need to do a double take, because that usually means all I want to do is grab him and never let him go, and I want him to do the same thing so much that it scares me, so I push away to protect myself from the vulnerability.
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Before I recognized my pattern it led to some pretty nasty fights that resulted in wounds that destroyed any chance of having a civil relationship after the break up, which was inevitable.
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And I can’t say that my initial reactions aren’t still on the same track. But now I’m aware of them and I try to cut them off before I get carried away. It took me about 4 years of being “single” and introspective after a terrible break up to get to that point, and as long as I’m still paying attention to me and my reactions, I’m still learning.
On 08/4/08 at 8:47 am
Trista said:
I’m still learning too…but at least I am opening to the process now. It IS all about being aware.
On 08/4/08 at 10:13 am
Jime said:
Learning is a good thing. Never stop.
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Your recognition of “pushing away” the possibility of vulnerability also reveals that you have the potential for great, intense love. It would have to be fear of an intense love being stripped away that that would cause you to don such a hardy shield.
On 08/4/08 at 8:09 am
Karri said:
I laughed and cringed because we’ve all been there. At some point or another we’ve said or done something horrible to the one we love.
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My wake up call when I was the recipient of, “I refuse to live my life this way. Fix your shit, or we’re not getting married!” OUCH!
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Fast forward a few hundred dollars and several hours on the couch and the “24 hour rule” was born.
On 08/4/08 at 8:48 am
Trista said:
I really do like the 24 hour rule…I wish my “partner” would embrace it as well.
On 08/4/08 at 10:21 am
Jime said:
The 24-hour rule is a good one; sleeping on it has saved many a day of agony. However, when those 24-hour rules start to stack up and extend to a tenuous 120 hour rule…danger is looming, eh?
On 08/4/08 at 11:21 am
Karri said:
I love the 24-hour rule! I just wish I could get Trista’s sparring partner to embrace it as well.
On 08/4/08 at 11:29 am
Trista said:
I think we are coming around to it. We are to the point now where we can recognize when it’s too late and we are too tired to continue. So at least we have the “sleep on it” rule now. It’s a start!
On 08/4/08 at 11:33 am
Jime said:
Yeah…doesn’t work so well with a partner who sticks firm to the 24-second rule.
On 08/4/08 at 11:34 am
Trista said:
He is better than that! Mostly…
On 08/4/08 at 4:38 pm
Vic said:
Someone please explain the 24-hour rule to me. I may need it enforced around here.
On 08/4/08 at 6:46 pm
Karri said:
http://eve-101.com/shut-your-mouth/#comments
On 08/4/08 at 6:55 pm
Trista said:
It’s Karri’s invention…I’ll let her explain…
On 08/4/08 at 8:39 am
El Supremo said:
Jesus. Dysfunctional much?
On 08/4/08 at 8:44 am
Trista said:
Yeah…impaired psychosocial functioning? I gots it. But so do most people, in one way or another. And I am cognizant and working on it, so I am ahead of many.
On 08/4/08 at 9:14 am
Trista said:
Besides, my man has some stages of battle all his own…different, but still whacked. I am just not going to make him lie down under the bus with me…today.
On 08/4/08 at 12:18 pm
kb said:
And good for you. My guess is that he is not as self-aware of his fighting techniques as you are, and for that you always win. =)
Dane Cook has a funny (and realistic) bit about fighting with his girlfriend. Worth listening to if you can find it.
On 08/4/08 at 2:26 pm
Sarahh said:
I thought of that immediately after I read this!!
Dane Cook kept me company on my road trips to Miami. I have them almost memorized…
Not to mention he is eerily accurate.
Me thinks it is in this somewhere.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oH4FBrTzP7A
On 08/4/08 at 2:49 pm
Trista said:
Thank you both…I’ll have a listen. =)
On 08/4/08 at 8:57 am
Charles Albert Green said:
Damn you must date some pretty lame guys… The “My dad was right about you” line shouldn’t even work unless you are either engaged, married or overly self conscious. I’ve had a few insane things said to me. I completely ignore “dirty bombs” in a fight. Maybe that’s why my last few girlfriends called me an emotionless robot. Why would I even care what people who don’t know me think of me? Why is it “the look” is EVERY woman’s first attack? And why is “the look” brought for even the slightest of offenses? Like me not noticing your hair changed from light golden brown to light brown when it’s 9 at night!
On 08/4/08 at 9:07 am
Trista said:
The look has degrees. Not noticing the hair change is a minor infraction…that’s only level one.
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Eating the last of my ice cream and putting back the empty carton, level two.
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Insulting my mama, my cooking, my writing…level three…you are getting to the danger zone
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Sharing my dirty secrets mentioned in level three to our cute waitress at the Cheesecake Factory…level four…run.
On 08/4/08 at 9:27 am
Carol said:
I have never enjoyed fighting. I just don’t see the positive in it. Even make up sex is not worth the distance and distrust of each other. I am simple. Let’s talk about what petty little thing has left me feeling stupid, insecure or otherwise butthurt…..you do the same….and we will talk it through like the adults we are supposed to be.
I know. I know. I am “boring.” I have no issue with confrontration. I have huge issues with lack of real honesty. If things stay honest in the day to day, the stuff just never leads up to a fight.
On 08/4/08 at 9:40 am
Trista said:
I think my issue lies in the intimacy of it all. I fought against it…for a long time. It’s much easier to yell at someone than it is to show them your mushy-gushy insides.
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So I am peeling the layers of me back…one piece at a time. It is a scary process, but I have a very patient guy holding my hand through it.
On 08/4/08 at 10:05 am
Jime said:
I hear you Carol I agree with you completely. We all have petty grievances. We all have stresses. Let’s just “talk it through like the adults we are supposed to be.”
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What you wrote specifically reminds me of a GF I had who would start fights just for the make-up sex. After she’d tell me that she just liked to “stir things up”. WTF? There’s enough crazy in the world without that bubbling cauldron of nut-sauce.
On 08/4/08 at 1:10 pm
Carol said:
And yet, when you say “nut sauce”, my mind goes in a completely different direction!
Glad to know I am not alone in my thoughts.
On 08/4/08 at 1:45 pm
Jime said:
Ah Carol, I admire your direction sense.
On 08/4/08 at 1:54 pm
Chris said:
[gasp!] You PERVETTE, you!
On 08/4/08 at 4:40 pm
Vic said:
I’ve been on the recieving end of a Carol bitch out. It’s not fun. But then I close my eyes and picture the old bag getting all huffy, and it makes me laugh.
On 08/4/08 at 9:31 am
Jime said:
Aaah, the memories of Battle d’Amour…where true heroics meet maniacal villainy. That enchanting land where a muted whisper from one mouth magically transforms into a yell by the time it enters the intended ear. Where silence speaks tomes. Where a glare intones pain, and crossed arms bear the sentence of doom!
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Oooh Warfield of Passion…you really must clean up your mess. You are littered with bloated exaggerations, buried annoyances, and a minefield of miscommunication.
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Battle d’Amour–how I miss thee not.
On 08/4/08 at 9:41 am
Trista said:
I do so hate that fucking minefield of miscommunication.
On 08/4/08 at 9:58 am
Jime said:
Yeah, that’s a rough road. When thoughts are buried and remain unspoken it just takes one false step and…
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BOOM! Next thing you know you’re missing a foot or a limb or are suddenly sitting alone at a $300 dollar dinner in a fancy restaurant–and don’t you look like a jackass now? Yes. Yes you do.
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You know, Trista, I really try to be good at communication. It takes effort and memory retention but even with all that nobody is a mind reader. I think a couple of the best qualities I appreciate in a mate are: kindness and the ability to forgive. Cause I sure do fuck up a lot. Apparently.
On 08/4/08 at 10:17 am
Trista said:
Patience is a one I definitely need in a mate too. I fuck up too…we all do. But patience, acceptance, a willingness to forgive and move forward…that is what is helping my current situation to thrive where others have failed.
On 08/4/08 at 10:37 am
Jime said:
That’s a excellent way to describe the process, Trista. Patience, Acceptance, Willingness to Forgive, Move Forward. Each stage takes a toll and carries a decision. I think a lot of people get stuck on the “Move Forward” part. It’s easy to hold on, and nobody wants to get taken in a second time by the same trick.
On 08/4/08 at 11:09 am
Trista said:
It’s true…nobody wants to get duped…but if we don’t move on…we are just sitting in the muck. That’s not true self-preservation, that’s fearful stagnation.
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Trista, self-help poet! I didn’t mean to rhyme like that, I swear. =)
On 08/4/08 at 11:18 am
Jime said:
A most fitting verse, I do declare!
On 08/4/08 at 10:07 am
E said:
I’m lucky - very few things annoy my husband, and I can always tell by his face and demeanor. Since I know what these things are, I can usually discern what I might have done, and I just snuggle up to him and apologize, for real. That usually diffuses a fight. It did, however, take me MANY years to be able to swallow my pride and deliver a heartfelt apology when I’ve been in the wrong. I’ve even shouted, in the past, “I’m NOT sorry! You deserved it because of etc…!”
When I’M mad, however, my first stage is not “the look”, it’s a “FINE!” and refusal to look at the person, folded arms, etc. Women are pieces of work.
On 08/4/08 at 10:23 am
Trista said:
I am still working on apologies…because I loathe empty ones, I am really hesitant to throw them out. I used to question my own sincerity, to the point of talking myself out of apologizing.
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Piece of work…indeed.
On 08/4/08 at 10:12 am
Layla said:
Oh my God Tris, i love you.
i was the meanest, most brutal, razor tongued, irrational unfair fighter that ever lived. seriously, i did serious damage with my words. But now that I have found true unconditional, deep unabidding love…there is rarely a sign of that malitious bitch. (I say rarely because she DOES rear her ugly head now and then….)I don’t know, I just don’t want to hurt him…I think BEFORE I speak. Imagine that.
Now when she does come scratching and fighting her way to the surface of my psyche…..if I have to yell something…all I let out is a big fat “FUCK YOU!!!!!” then i walk away, walk, think, yell into a pillow, throw something. Then suddenly everything becomes clear again..and no feeling are hurt.
Dont know what my point is, but i feel ya sister…been there…A LOT! Find your soul mate….it’ll all just kinda go away.
On 08/4/08 at 10:25 am
Trista said:
See, it’s genetics! =)
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It is starting to fall away…and I think it has a lot to do with both where I am mentally and the fact that I have found someone that helps me focus on my progress instead of my failures. That makes all the difference.
On 08/4/08 at 10:16 am
Sarahh said:
Seriously, separated at birth?
I don’t fight fair. I try really hard now though to be better at it. I fight sarcastically. I interrupt the person speaking to explain exactly why his explination is inferior. I have actually resorted to biting the inside of my cheek to stop from doing this.
I never used verbal weapons until the end of my marraige. But I felt I had to fight back! I would not just sit there and take this verbal assault un protected!
So after all the years of belittling, snarky comments, downing comments, I busted out the big guns.
I took everything I KNEW bothered him balled it up and shot it right out of my mouth…
“You stupid, arrogant, little Di*ked, Mama’s boy SOMEBITCH, you don’t like me well, I don’t f’ing like you. Oh, what is that I hear? Oh it is your mom’s teet calling, you should go” - A triumphant day.
It got worse. Then it got a lawyer.
My words are SHARP. I use them only when completely necessary.
Which I hope, is never again!
On 08/4/08 at 10:21 am
Trista said:
“Seriously, separated at birth?” ~Umm yeah…I have wondering about this for awhile! =P
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I too have the sarcasm issue…and I do want to argue like a damn lawyer. I have to remind myself that it is a disagreement, not a cross examination.
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But it is a whole lot better when you aren’t shacked up with a complete a-hole, isn’t it?
On 08/4/08 at 10:55 am
Sarahh said:
It is better. And I know this because I don’t want to be the sharp tounged devil when we fight. I hold it back. He might disagree, but he has never seen it in full force.
It is embarassing I sunk to that level, and of all things now, it comes naturally…
Oh, how they can steal our youth and replace it with their own bad traits.
On 08/4/08 at 11:19 am
Trista said:
Yeah, once Pandora has been out of the box…it’s hard to get her to stay inside. But I do WANT to be better, and that helps me keep her in check.
On 08/4/08 at 4:44 pm
Vic said:
Nobody ever seems to fucking worry about my Pandora’s box opening up. Believe me, it’s not pretty.
On 08/4/08 at 5:05 pm
Trista said:
I would pay to see it. From a far. And pre-recorded.
On 08/4/08 at 6:27 pm
Vic said:
You think you have an inkling of how foul I can get? Imagine my artistry with words honed and focused on injuring someone.
On 08/4/08 at 11:24 am
Karri said:
“I have actually resorted to biting the inside of my cheek to stop from doing this.”
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Been there…have the scar to prove it. A constant reminder of two exasperating and horrific years. *sigh*
On 08/4/08 at 2:37 pm
Sarahh said:
I do that now. That is so I give Vic the chance to speak.
I tend to steamroll the conversation. I am actually repeating to myself, “Let him finish” over and over…
I am into the whole “Do unto others” thing…
We will see how it works out.
On 08/4/08 at 10:19 am
Sarahh said:
Oh and I have been accused of –
“Bringing up Old Shit.”
Hey, no one is perfect!
On 08/4/08 at 10:24 am
Trista said:
<--------- guilty. But I'm trying to get better, really I am!
On 08/4/08 at 10:58 am
Sarahh said:
Well, I think that is a product of not having a resolution.
If a problem isn’t resolved I can stop arguing about it but I won’t forget it.
And when an arguement starts up, so do all of the unresolved demons! Over and Over and Over…
That is why I am such a big fan of talking it out. Getting it worked out then moving on.
On 08/4/08 at 11:23 am
Trista said:
Spiral fighting! No matter where it starts, it always circles down to that same dark place.
On 08/4/08 at 10:52 am
PJ said:
I think it’s simply a case of the closer a person is to you, the more ammunition you have. J and I have had some great fights over the years and as soon as one of us “goes there,” the floodgates burst wide open. Fighting is a natural thing and I think it’s much healthier to have some knock-down, drag-out, get-it-off-your-chest fights than to wear matching outfits everyday.
On 08/4/08 at 10:57 am