Poor Little Homewrecker
September 4, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
My best friend is dating a married man. I hate the idea and I am having a very hard time supporting her as a friend. She of course is going through the ol’ “he hasn’t left his wife, he doesn’t make enough time for me” drama and I can’t take it. The sad thing is I’m sure they really care for each other. I am pretty conflicted, she is my best friend and I am happy that she is happy with this guy, but on the other hand I am disgusted by the fact that she is living in this fantasy world.
Eve, any words of wisdom?
Thanks,
Anti-Alliance Annie
Dear Ann,
Well now, you’re in quite a pickle, aren’t you? On one hand we can certainly argue the point that whatever actions little Miss Homewrecker chooses to engage in are of her own volition and none of us have the right to judge the lessons others need to learn. Conversely, you appear to have differentiating opinions as to what is acceptable behavior. So what’s a girl to do, you ask?
Firstly, I have to wonder, Ann, what exactly makes you happy about your best friend sleeping with a man who’s legally bound to another woman? And what about her tirades could possibly bring joy to your life? Although you may not condone the actions of the mister’s mistress you are most assuredly enabling her by continuing to listen to her drone on and on about her sordid affair. Clearly there must be a part of you that’s living vicariously through her Off Broadway performance or you would have had this discussion with her rather than continuing to churn the gossip mill.
It’s blatantly apparent that both you and your fine feathered friend could benefit from a crash course in self-respect and dignity! If you don’t value yourself enough to have convictions in your beliefs then you deserve every pain staking moment of the other woman’s gibberish. That being said, at some point we all make a poor decision or two and what we really need is a friend to throw us a life preserver and save us from our own cesspool. Try having a heart-to-heart with your gal pal. Speak slowly and calmly and simply explain how you feel and that you can’t support her decisions. If your words fall on deaf ears then so be it.
“Distance Therapy” is another alternative to permanent extermination. Take a little break from the manic nonsense; stop wasting your precious time and energy on someone who is too self-absorbed to think rationally… because no matter how you slice it, affairs are never logical. Besides, it’s more than likely that unless your BFF is truly a pathetic, spineless mess she’ll come to her senses one day and miss you terribly. And when she does, you can help her pick up the pieces of her shattered and misguided heart, with just a whisper of “I told you so.” Just remember to never, ever, ever leave her alone with your boyfriend!
KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve
Keep her, dump her or verbally spank her into submission…which option would you choose? Has your BFF ever been of the cheating kind? If so, what advice do you have for Anti-Alliance Annie?
On 09/4/08 at 3:41 am
lisaq said:
From experience, I had a BFF in same spot, spanking into submission doesn’t necessarily work. However, I definitely let her know in no uncertain terms that this was the wrong course of action…not only in terms of the morality of it, but also in regard to her. A man who is cheating on his wife with you is not relationship material. He is only out to meet his own needs thus not giving a crap about his mistress’s needs. It took time but she finally realized he was NOT the man of her dreams and that he was NOT going to leave his wife for her. It’s painful to watch as a friend, but you have got to take action in one way or another.
On 09/4/08 at 5:52 am
Karri said:
At least she finally came to her senses!
I’m curious exactly how long did it take and how many “woe is me” conversations did you have to endure?
On 09/4/08 at 4:04 am
PrincessQ said:
Even if the guy…magically did divorce his wife, any guy that is cheating on his wife with you is not boyfriend material. Who’s to say that he won’t cheat on you with the next hot bimbo that comes along?
I’ve had friends in this situation, not “best friends” but the only thing you can do is tell them how you feel, without insulting them and really…let it go after a certain point. Either she’s feeling really low about herself or she truly feels like he’s the one OR…she just gets pleasure out of being the “other woman”…because that’s all she is.
You can only be the voice of reason up to a certain point. It’s her life and her dignity.
On 09/4/08 at 6:09 am
Karri said:
Or in my opinion…her lack of dignity!
I can’t even fathom why any woman (or man for that matter) would ever subject themselves to being nothing more than a convenient sidekick. EEEEWWW!
On 09/4/08 at 4:35 am
Sarahh said:
*Heavy Sigh*
This never works. Even if it does “work out” and he leaves his wife you are now with a cheater. Who you know is capable of it and could do it to you…
If you are adamantly against it tell her. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable. And that you can be friends with her, but you don’t want to hear about it. And once it affects your friendship you are out…
And if you think it is a friendship deal breaker, well, then you have your answer.
I went through this, and I had a friend go through this. Needless to say, I am not with a married man and she and I rarely speak. And that is how the cookie crumbles…
Just sayin.
On 09/4/08 at 6:15 am
Karri said:
Dumping a friend for bad behavior can be a tough decision.
Friendship is based on like-mindedness. We don’t always have to agree but that doesn’t mean we have to support all of their decisions either.
Not to mention, who wants to be friends with a self-absorbed drama queen who sucks the life out of you? No thanks!
On 09/4/08 at 6:24 am
Sarahh said:
I didn’t stop being friends with her due to the indiscretion. I dunno, I hate losing a friend for any reason. But some people are way too wrapped up in themselves to truly have friends.
And when that is the case, married boy friends or not, I make the decision for them.
I am too old to deal with 24/7 self absorbed people. Everyone has their moments. But all the time is a bit much…
On 09/4/08 at 6:51 am
Karri said:
If I had to guess we’re probably dealing with young ladies here who have yet to learn that drama doesn’t make the world go round!
On 09/4/08 at 9:23 am
Sarahh said:
I think some folks are unhappy WITHOUT drama. That the world stops spinning and things get dull without it.
I have had so many issues, I canceled my subscription.
No more drama llamas for me.
On 09/4/08 at 10:40 am
Karri said:
This wreaks of high school mentality except instead of who’s going to the prom with the football captain they’re now concerned with adultery and divorce. YEAH TEAM!
On 09/4/08 at 5:28 pm
Kiki said:
It’s like that Kate Winslet movie, Little Children.
On 09/4/08 at 5:02 am
~Lori~ said:
Well written, and as for my opinion, “Oh HELL NO!” Doesn’t matter how much I love my friend if she doesn’t have enough self-respect for herself then how can she expect from me or anyone else. Plain and simple, I tell her exactly that, and then step away. She will either continue on her journey and learn the hard way, or come to her senses. Sound harsh? Maybe, but it’s pretty clear cut in my mind.
On 09/4/08 at 6:22 am
Karri said:
I agree Lori, and it sounds as if she needs to show her BFF a little tough love! Respect is reciprocal… for yourself and your friends. You’ve got to have it and give it to get it.
On 09/4/08 at 6:36 am
Fiona said:
Wow, has this woman never been cheated on before? She needs a HUGE reality check. The guy is scum and she’s allowing him to continue this damned cycle, and by proxy, so is the friend by supporting her.
This sort of stuff boils my blood. Stop enabling the whiner and move away from the drama.
On 09/4/08 at 6:51 am
Karri said:
AMEN, SISTER!!
On 09/4/08 at 6:51 am
Phoenix said:
Ack! This situation is all too familiar to me right now.
I HAD a bff that was married AND having an affair with a married man.
Luckily she kept it to herself for months because I would have let her have it. Unluckily, the reason I was told was because she was preggers…and her hubby had a vasectomy.
To make matters worse, the cheaters wife was also pregnant. So they both came clean to the spouses with intentions of leaving to be with each other.
The spouses were pussies and both said “stay”, she had an abortion and got divorced, and 2 years later he’s still married and she’s still the other woman.
She believes they are soul mates.
Ick!
On 09/4/08 at 6:54 am
Karri said:
Has Soap Opera Digest picked up on this story yet?!
For the love of gawd, P…just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse…BAM!
I ditto your Ick!
On 09/4/08 at 7:34 am
Jime said:
Maybe they’re anti-soul mates. Destined to forever fuck each others lives up.
On 09/4/08 at 9:22 am
Sarahh said:
I think there should be a name for people who are together but are HORRIBLE for each other.
My vote is Bowell-Mates…
On 09/4/08 at 11:32 am
Jime said:
I roam the universe since the dawn of time, searching for my lost Bowell-Mate. Where is she? Methinks I am catching a whiff of her scent….
On 09/4/08 at 7:01 am
Mary said:
I’ve been on both sides of this. Actually, all THREE sides. I’ve been the friend; I’ve been the misguided and delusional sidekick (although, NOT with a married man); and, I’ve been the wife.
Ann, if this is a real friendship, should be there for her friend. BUT, a REAL friend also tells her friend when she’s fucking up. She should put her foot down and tell her that she won’t support her friend’s behavior … for many reasons. First of all, it’s WRONG. Secondly, it shows a huge lack of self-respect and respect for other women. And, thirdly, because it’s obviously making her miserable and, yet, she refuses to change the behavior. I have very little tolerance (now) for people who have the power to change their circumstances, but who, for selfish or lazy reasons, continue to wallow and take everyone around them down into the mud with them.
As for Little Miss, I would tell her that true love doesn’t come from a pile of shit. And, what’s she’s in is a pile of shit. If this man would cheat on the woman he married, he will cheat on her. Hell, he probably already is.
On 09/4/08 at 7:18 am
Karri said:
I’ve also lived through all three sides and it’s not pretty! I know there is a great deal of the population who could simply say “I would never do that” and they wouldn’t, but once you have your perspective changes dramatically. You realize the deep and painful implications of betrayal on an entirely different level.
If she wades in the pool of shit long enough not even a Brillo pad and Ajax will remove the stain!
On 09/4/08 at 7:13 am
Phoenix said:
The tough part for me was that I censored what I would normally have to say about the situation because of how she was traumatized by the abortion and then separation from her husband.
I guess I just felt like she needed my support at that time, and I thought the same thing about her coming to her senses eventually.
So for the most part I sat with my mouth shut while she would rant and rave about him (both neg and pos) and tried to encourage her to leave him whenever she talked about that, which was every other day.
It never happened and things finally came to a head when I couldn’t keep quiet anymore with 2 years worth of stuff I thought she was too “fragile” to hear along the way. We aren’t friends anymore as a result. and although I miss parts of our 25 year long friendship and that makes me sad, I sure as hell don’t miss the drama!
Worst part about this whole thing is that our kids grew up toghether and now they don’t see each other. Oh, and how a mutual friend chose her side over mine. That pretty much sucked.
On 09/4/08 at 7:19 am
Mary said:
And, there’s another reason NOT to get involved with married/taken men. It affects EVERYONE in your life…including complete innocents. Is the sex REALLY worth losing a 25-year friendship and your children’s playmates?
On 09/4/08 at 7:27 am
Karri said:
I’m exhausted for you…and sad too!
I’m always amazed by those who hold no reservations about sucking the life out of their friends. Of course we all need a shoulder to lean on and it’s a personal choice to make a mess of your own life, but to drag your friends down with you is just selfish!
I can’t imagine how gut wrenching it must’ve been for you to end a 25 year friendship, but in the end you must be sleeping better, no? Plus, how well adjusted do you think her offspring will be? I’d say it’s a blessing that your whipper snapper won’t be subjected to that turmoil either!
On 09/4/08 at 7:28 am
Jime said:
Excellent advice, Karri. Splendid actually, I agree completely.
For Ann: Your friend needs to stop whining and get a life. What I mean by that is that she should start enjoying her life and be more content inside herself and she cannot do that if she persists in seeing herself as a victim in a situation she is fully aware that she is committing to. She is not a victim, she is making a choice, the husband has every right not to commit to her and she knew he was claimed from day one.
On 09/4/08 at 7:43 am
Karri said:
Pet peeve alert:
“She is not a victim, she is making a choice…”
Patience and compassion only run so deep when the “victim” can’t recognize that they’re the cause of their own misery!
On 09/4/08 at 7:51 am
Jime said:
Exactly. What I really need to know here, the most important bit of information that I hope Ann didn’t leave out on purpose is: does this married sperm-injector have children? Two adults can fuck each other up as much as they like so long as children are not involved, but if they are–the level of reckless abandon goes up about a thousand percent and enters a much more hideous realm of disgust.
On 09/4/08 at 7:54 am
jody said:
and seriously hoping that she is ensuring she doesn’t end up with a little ‘donation’ of her own… nearly guaranteed way of getting into the single mom role.
On 09/4/08 at 8:05 am
Karri said:
Okay, you two just described the scenario that created lil-o-me…YIKES!
And although grateful for the outcome, I would most certainly never recommend it!
On 09/4/08 at 8:12 am
Jime said:
A case in point because we all know how fucked up Karri turned out. Thanks for illuminating this point, Karri!
On 09/4/08 at 8:16 am
Karri said:
ZING!!!
I’m sure my half-siblings would wholeheartedly agree with you…on the first part of course.
On 09/4/08 at 8:20 am
Jime said:
Which proves that genetics produced through fidelity does not necessarily reduce to number of idiots in this world.
On 09/4/08 at 10:27 am
Karri said:
In an effort to reduce any potential future lawsuits, I will just say that I’m speechless!
On 09/4/08 at 7:52 am
jody said:
ooo… you could always combine todays and yesterday’s into one massive accidental catastrophe! accidently meet a man that’s in an accidental marriage… rofl. couldn’t help it, had to go there LOL. i agree with pretty much everyone here. generally speaking, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. chicky needs a reality check. and bad.
On 09/4/08 at 8:06 am
Karri said:
“Honey, I didn’t mean to stick my dick in her hooha, it was an accident, really.”
On 09/4/08 at 8:14 am
jody said:
“it just slipped right in… no idea how that happened… “
On 09/4/08 at 8:18 am
Karri said:
“She means nothing to me…you’re the one I love.”
I think I just puked a little!
On 09/4/08 at 1:17 pm
Trista said:
I fucked her, yes…I fucked her.
But baby…I make love to you.
Thanks Eddie.
On 09/4/08 at 3:26 pm
Karri said:
Same name.
Same line.
Ah Oh!!
On 09/4/08 at 4:15 pm
Meghan said:
Hahaha!
And if YOU’RE going to let a FUCK, come between our LOVE, there’s something wrong here, baby!
Anyway…that’s how I ‘members it
On 09/4/08 at 4:33 pm
Karri said:
I was about to order din-din, but I’ve suddenly lost my appetite. *sigh*
On 09/4/08 at 4:39 pm
Meghan said:
Go for it…I just ordered din…
I’m not going to let a 5 yr ago FUCK get in the way of my
SUPPER!
On 09/4/08 at 4:44 pm
Kiki said:
You better not have ordered in.
On 09/4/08 at 4:47 pm
Karri said:
Done.
Greek salad and Mediterranean fries. And later, when I need to purge, I’ll just watch more Sarah Palin…GAH!!!
On 09/4/08 at 4:51 pm
Meghan said:
Oh Jesus, that woman, that nomination…my employer just submitted an op-ed to the N.Y. Times about it all that might get submitted - she has connections.
I hate being pandered to.
On 09/4/08 at 5:01 pm
Karri said:
I better sit on my fingers in order to refrain from a very lengthy diatribe regarding her ridiculous, archaic ultra-conservative view points. That woman scares me! Although, she will serve a purpose in eliminating food from system in a quick and efficient manner!
On 09/4/08 at 5:03 pm
Meghan said:
Neo-Bulemics for Palin!
Whaa? Like she’s any more politically Correct?
On 09/4/08 at 5:21 pm
Karri said:
“Polar Bears, from ice caps to sewer water” by Sarah Palin.
On 09/4/08 at 5:27 pm
Kiki said:
LOL.
She’s insane.
(Maybe she’d make a great VP then???)
On 09/4/08 at 5:32 pm
Karri said:
Christ! McCain already has one foot in the grave…chances are likely he’ll have a freakin’ coronary and we’ll be stuck with mandatory Sunday school taught by unwed pregnant teenagers who missed their lessons on abstinence!
On 09/4/08 at 5:35 pm
Kiki said:
That’s because they were having sex under the bleachers.
Have I said my daily “I despair for the future of humanity” yet?
No?
Well. I do.
On 09/4/08 at 5:38 pm
Karri said:
Welcome to America where our cousins breed insanity!
On 09/4/08 at 5:39 pm
Meghan said:
Breathe, Karri! (I just started to, and McCain hasn’t even spoken yet tonight! LOL)
And yes…the fact that the fundamentalists and evangelical Christians are proud of McCain’s choice - thats NOT a good thing!! They home school their children into believing Science has no answers!
Ever watch the documentary ‘Jesus Camp’ - those fuckers are crazy! And you want to talk demented and perverted…
On 09/4/08 at 5:43 pm
Kiki said:
Jesus Camp almost made me get a hysterectomy and move to New Zealand.
On 09/4/08 at 5:54 pm
Karri said:
I know, I know. But there’s just something about ultra conservative holier than thou women that grate on my last nerve. And now that I’ve probably offended entirely too many people, I will retreat to watch the aging senior deliver his speech.
On 09/4/08 at 8:31 am
Proph said:
“Honey, I didn’t mean to stick my dick in her hooha, it was an accident, really.”
I always wanted to know what it would sound like if a girl uttered a sentence like that, karri.
And thanks to my high school recreational activities and a a newly found appreciation of how the rules of commutative properties can be applied to language for comic effect… I have achieved peak visualization .
For the record… high school recreational activities entails drug use in this particular case…not masturbation. This is a very important distinction. You can not use the substitution method and the commutative method at the same time. Or you’ll perceive me as some whacked out perv…instead of a former day tripper.
Thus concludes the mathematical theory of anecdotal analogies in undefined terms.
On 09/4/08 at 8:34 am
Proph said:
And Stay tuned for my next comment where I shall explain in no uncertain terms the common thread that exist between Willy Wonka and Stephen Hawking…it’ll be a hoot.
On 09/4/08 at 9:25 am
Sarahh said:
I have a feeling it has to do with Snozberries.
On 09/4/08 at 8:38 am
Jime said:
So…SM + CM = WOPerv. But if CM + L4ComicE = PeakV, then it follows that WOPerv must equal constant HSMastubation. Right Proph (or in this case: Prof.)?
On 09/4/08 at 8:44 am
Jime said:
Or, Prof. Proph, as our Ivy league badminton boys call you.
On 09/4/08 at 10:28 am
Proph said:
You’re mathematical observations are very astute Jimester.
And Sarah you’re philosophical imperative outlining the possible utilization of snozberries is quite impressive.
Now can you both work togehter to solve the most pressing and seemingly insolvable philosophical math question known to man? The Woolery conundrum… “2+2…we’ll be right back atcha” ???
On 09/4/08 at 10:48 am
Jime said:
Ooooho, good ole Chuck. Any man who has the world’s largest bobblehead modeled after him, according to The Guinness Book of World Records, is a god in my book. Give that man a beer.
On 09/4/08 at 11:34 am
Sarahh said:
I say give him 2 beers!
Wait a minute…
On 09/4/08 at 12:20 pm
Jime said:
Or 2+2 beers. Har-har. 2 minutes, 2 seconds, people–that Woolery has game-showing down to a <iscience!
On 09/4/08 at 10:29 am
Karri said:
I have now been reminded as to why I hate math!
That dissertation has caused my hair to hurt, thanks guys.
On 09/4/08 at 11:28 am
Mary said:
“I was cleaning it and it went off.”
On 09/4/08 at 3:27 pm
Karri said:
Hence a shotgun wedding?
On 09/4/08 at 8:22 am
WickedCourtni said:
I hope this person doesnt take offense to my brutal honesty….
But if you dont agree, you need to tell her to take her drama elsewhere. She made her married man bed, and she has to deal with the drama that comes along with that choice. I would tell her that she doesnt have any right bitching about something that she should have known would happen in the first place.
Being with a married man… she is likely to always come second place. As much as it sucks… he has built a life with someone else. Not her.
The fact that he cares for her or not really has nothing to do with it because if he truly cared, he would tell his wife and end it once and for all.
I have several friends who have gone down the married man path, myself included. She has got to man up and tak