Really Close, or F-ing Gross?!
October 1, 2008 · Print This Article
There is nothing quite like finding your own personal “better half.” Whirlwind sagas and sex without strings may be the stuff of Harlequin novels, but for me, an over 30-er who knows better, romance is a dish best served drama free. Communication, comfort and openness are quite sexy and satisfying. And they also lead to ridiculously satisfying sex…
But I digress.
So anyhow, you get to that point, where things just feel so safe and cozy and right…where you think life just couldn’t get better…and then it happens.
You’re on the phone with the one you love the most, and they utter three little words that will change your life together forever:
“I just pooped.”
“Uhhh, good for you?”
“No, I mean JUST now. While you were on the phone.”
“…”
Yes folks, there is such a thing as too close for comfort. I have witnessed it. I have lived it. And I don’t want to see it happen to you. So I am going to provide you with a list of five things that might just be taking that “I love that I can just be myself with you!” feeling too damn far.
- Deuces gone wild: I shouldn’t even have to say it guys, really. I don’t even want to HEAR the sound, much less watch the straining; I just won’t look at you (or your o-face) the same way anymore. Oh, and FYI, I don’t really need a blow by blow of the action once you come out of the bathroom either. To put it in context, do you want us to start talking about our bloody vaginae? Would you like to watch us change our tampons? I didn’t think so. Which reminds me… if any of you women are engaging in this behavior, well…I think we need to do an ovary check.
- The scratch and sniff: While everyone appreciates their partner making sure everything checks out alright “down there” before asking for some below the belt action, we don’t actually want to see the hand/crotch/nose action taking place; it is slightly off-putting. Because honestly, no one wants to feel like they are living in the primate exhibit at the local zoo… I don’t even let my dog sniff butts in front of me! So please, do your partner a favor and step into the bathroom to take a whiff, you know, like you used to do during the dating days. Its much more romantic-al that way.
- Cross over behavior: Women, your men should not be seeing you pluck or wax your errant hairs. And guys, your ladies don’t want to see you giving yourself a facial and a “pedi.” Now I think we can all agree that while we appreciate our partner taking care of these items on the hygiene to do list, we do not wish to be an audience to said list in action. I don’t think I could look at my man the same after witnessing him do the buff and blow on his perfectly manicured hands…and I KNOW he could not handle watching me go digging for golden ingrowns on my mini-stache. There are some gender roles that our psyches would prefer to leave as unblemished as our man’s (secretly) exfoliated pores.
- Oral Expectorations: Spiting, gargling, picking the teeth (and inspecting what you found, eww, people) and especially, ESPECIALLY tongue scraping. Okay, while I realize that most people may not engage in tongue scraping I had to include it for two reasons. One, all of you SHOULD be doing it, you cannot imaging the gunky nastiness your tongue is harboring, seriously. Which leads me to reason two for the mention; when all the gunky nastiness comes flying off said tongue, you want to be alone. I am 110% serious about this…blech.
- Going native: Sometimes we get sick, or hurt, or just feel really, really lazy. But that is no excuse for turning into the sloth that stole sanitation! I was sick last week, and the level of grossness I hit was so tremendous that I should be ashamed. ( I wasn’t, but I should have been.) Greasy, unkempt hair, old crusty sweats, unshaven, unwashed, unsanitary! But as I dug myself out of the used Kleenex den that my bed had become, I rejoiced in the fact that my boyfriend never saw any of it. I mean, I didn’t even want to look at MYSELF, thank god he didn’t have to. So please! Don’t subject your loved ones to levels of funk that high - showering, shaving, brushing of teeth, wearing of clean clothes - these are things that are NOT for the courtship phase alone.
I know what you are saying…he or she loves you enough to see you at your grossest. That may be true…but should they really HAVE to? While it may be difficult to find the time and space to do these things sans your significant other audience, it is most assuredly worth the effort. It’s hard enough to keep the romance alive…so don’t go plucking it out or flushing it down the toilet, okay gang?
This has been a public service announcement.
And now its time for group therapy! Have you been guilty of any of the above crimes against the laws of attraction? Or have you had some of these crimes committed against you? Or perhaps you would like to share on I left off the list with the group? Go on, get it off your chest, you’re in a safe place…
Oh, and would you like to see more 5 spots, in blog form? Those of you who watched the show understand and those of you that didn’t…suck! Hahahahaha….ehm.
On 09/30/08 at 8:31 pm
Karri said:
“Oh, and FYI, I don’t really need a blow by blow of the action once you come out of the bathroom either.”
While vacationing with The Cuban Octopus he chose to go into the restroom, take a dump, take a picture of said poop with his cell phone and send it to me while I sipping my morning java in the other room.
WHAT. THE. ?!
Stop it! It’s really not cute or funny. And it is most certainly NOT hawt!
On 09/30/08 at 9:07 pm
Trista said:
I once dated a guy who NEVER remembered to flush. I really started to believe it was on purpose. Perhaps he never got over the potty training phase and he was expecting an M&M for his efforts?
On 10/1/08 at 6:42 am
Karri said:
Short Bus didn’t flush his pee. He said he was conserving water. Seriously…I didn’t realize it until now, but I’m a little concerned with the potty habits (or lack thereof) of those I’ve dated!
On 10/1/08 at 6:48 am
Trista said:
I think people are really just a lot grosser than they let on…and it aaaallllll comes rushing out when they are comfortable.
On 10/1/08 at 1:11 pm
Vic said:
It’s hilarious.
Check out the pics on my profile page… I think there’s one of me dropping a loaf…
On 10/1/08 at 3:18 am
lisaq said:
All I can even think to say is ewwwwwwwwwww!
On 10/1/08 at 6:08 am
Trista said:
That’s an appropriate response I’d say.
On 10/1/08 at 3:52 am
cigarsmokinglawyer said:
You have dated some seriously screwed up people.
On 10/1/08 at 6:08 am
Trista said:
Wait a minute. You were married. Are you going to tell me that these types of lines were never crossed in your marriage??
On 10/1/08 at 6:22 am
~Lori~ said:
If you are married, those lines end up getting crossed, drove me crazy when the ex wanted to come in the bathroom when I was relieving myself, grrr. And what is with men being so proud of passing gas, in both forms? I understand it is a natural function, but if you can’t contain it, at least say excuse me, and not make a big show of it. As for being sick, that unfortunately is hard to avoid when living together, but if you are at that point, then they are going to have to accept you are only human, and we all have down time no matter what.
On 10/1/08 at 6:28 am
Trista said:
I agree, whether married, or just a together for a long time cohabitation situation, this kind of thing DOES happen. But I also think an effort should be made to at least keep a semblance of privacy…for the sake of keep lust alive! I don’t want to see poop, period. The changing diapers phase of my life is over!
And the sick thing, yeah, it’s unavoidable, but! I coulda been, you know, showering and whatnot during this time, and I WOULD have been, if I hadn’t had the opportunity to hide in my den-o-illness. I was gross…gross, gross, gross.
On 10/1/08 at 7:49 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
The bathroom has a door for a reason. It also has a fan - use it. I don’t want to hear you going.
The only lines that where crossed was the “going native” and maybe nail clipping.
On 10/1/08 at 7:52 am
Trista said:
“The bathroom has a door for a reason. It also has a fan - use it. I don’t want to hear you going.”
I have to agree with you on this one. But sometimes the fan is not enough. It creates a false sense of security!
On 10/1/08 at 8:44 am
Proph said:
And what of people from a lower socioeconomic class who don’t have the money for two ply let alone a house with a luxuriously appointed bathroom fan…what do you pretentious middle class-ers recommend in this scenario? Hmmm… should they poison themselves with aerosol sprays and what not?
F U People.
On 10/1/08 at 8:50 am
Trista said:
POT, KETTLE!!!
=)
On 10/1/08 at 11:58 am
Proph said:
Did you just call me middle class? Ah hell no….I’m bousta get straight Jerry Springer on dat aaasssss!
On 10/1/08 at 12:13 pm
Trista said:
Just because you have NO CLASS doesn’t mean that you aren’t a member of the middle class, mine love.
Bourgeoisie, bourgeoisie, bourgeoisie!
On 10/1/08 at 1:13 pm
Vic said:
Don’t make me batter you with my proletariat…
On 10/1/08 at 6:20 am
Cassie said:
NOW I SEE WHAT I’M DOING WRONG!!! here I was just thinking that it would be fun to swap poo stories!! hahahahahahahah
I have nothing to add or dispute….just wanted to leave a silly comment this morning!!!!
On 10/1/08 at 6:21 am
Trista said:
You have NOTHING to add? You have never had someone do wildly inappropriate things in front of you in the name of love?
Oh, that’s right, I am talking to anti-relationship woman! =P
On 10/1/08 at 6:44 am
Carol said:
Oh my…this made me giggle. I am probably one who leans on the “tmi” side. I am guilty of being entirely too open about things.
That being said, a man can be in the bathroom while I pee…but not while I poop. I don’t mind brushing, gargling or any of that other stuff in mixed company, either. It would not at all diminish my attraction to a man if I saw him exfoliating or even getting a pedicure. I would trust that it wouldn’t bother him that I invariably end up having to pee while talking on the phone.
Go figure. I’m not as romantic as I thought!
On 10/1/08 at 6:49 am
Trista said:
hahahaha…I don’t think it is a lack of romance, just a lack of boundaries. And we arlready knew that about you. =P
On 10/1/08 at 7:35 am
Carol said:
bwah…ha…ha…you really have NO idea!
I do have boundaries,but they are not what most people would call “Normal”. Truth be told, I’m an incredibly thoughtful and romantic woman. Perhaps I am so incredibly thoughtful and romantic that peeing on the phone is just not a big deal!
On 10/1/08 at 7:44 am
Trista said:
I’ve peed on the phone too…what, was I going to hold it through a marathon call? Me thinks not! But I often mute the phone…because the splashing can be distracting. B doesn’t even notice…he’s rather long-winded.
On 10/1/08 at 7:48 am
Karri said:
And while peeing in the sink, it is best to do it alone as some people feel it necessary to make it a Kodak moment and then post it for the world to see!
On 10/1/08 at 8:03 am
Trista said:
Hawt, Karri…real hawt. Almost as hot a picture of a woman in her mans boxers with her pants down. But that is a story for another day…
On 10/1/08 at 8:05 am
Karri said:
“It’s a good thing you’re cute, because you’re disgusting!”
On 10/1/08 at 8:19 am
Carol said:
It’s a good thing we are ALL cute, I suppose!
On 10/1/08 at 8:58 am
Proph said:
“I’ve peed on the phone too” SIIIIIICK.
Disgusting… I may have dropped a duece while talking on the phone …but I assure you I didn’t smear the pudding on the headset.
You’re tweaked.
On 10/1/08 at 9:17 am
Trista said:
Hands free, it’s all good. And I wash my hands, hello!
On 10/1/08 at 11:43 am
Proph said:
Yeah but you said you peed on the phone… I’m sure many girls can accomplish that feat “hands free”… hell there’s probably even a couple of guys who COULD get the aim just right… but why would you… was it for a bet? Or just because you like to mark your territory…please explain.
On 10/1/08 at 12:16 pm
Trista said:
You know what we are talking about, ya punk. I’ll correct though, for you:
Sometimes I urinate into the toilet while engaging in a telephone conversation via my cell phone, using the blue tooth accessory. But when I do this, I often use the mute feature, so you won’t have to hear the splishity-splash.
Easier for you to understand, darling?
On 10/1/08 at 1:14 pm
Vic said:
Why would you pee on your phone?
Weirdo…
On 10/1/08 at 4:53 pm
Trista said:
please see the comment above, yes? You men are so damn literal…
On 10/1/08 at 5:06 pm
Vic said:
Don’t generalize! It’s not all men… just the smartasses.
And only the ones well-schooled in grammar and diction, at that!
On 10/1/08 at 7:20 am
pecosa said:
Things you do in the bathroom should be kept in the bathroom and to yourself. Period.
The scratch and sniff…oh how I hate it when they do that. What are you, a monkey?
One of my pet peeves: clipping toenails. Do it away from me, out of my vicinity and out of sight!
On 10/1/08 at 7:47 am
Trista said:
Clipping toenails…GOOD one! My ex husband would also clip the callouses and then wave the nasty, yellow, dead skin in my face to get me to run away screaming.
He was a real charmer, that one.
On 10/1/08 at 7:52 am
pecosa said:
Hahaha! Mine would do the same. It was gross beyond belief. Ugh, then I would be cleaning around the computer desk and find a small pile of dead skin and old toenails. It was disgusting.
On 10/1/08 at 8:12 am
Trista said:
Mine would do it in the bed.
In-ap-pro-pri-ate!
On 10/1/08 at 7:27 am
Meghan said:
Ick
For one…I went all Native on my ex soon after we met. I had a 103 temp and he actually came to my rescue. Made me some chicken broth and brought it bedside to which he discovered a gnat had landed in the soup on my spoon about to go in mouth. he tried to tell me to put spoon down but I was so out of it I just ate the bug. He just made fun of me for years…
But before that, I dated a guy who had occasional ‘bacne’…he asked a few times for me to inspect what he couldn’t see/reach…that didnt last long!
Bleecchhh!
On 10/1/08 at 7:50 am
Trista said:
<--- completely guilty of participating in back and forth zit popping.
What?? Sometimes you need a helping hand!
On 10/1/08 at 4:15 pm
Meghan said:
His was pretty gross…he worked in a machine shop with greasy dirty air all day and had some serious issues.
But I actually used to tweeze his eyebrows because he refused to get them done. That was ever so satisfying.
On 10/1/08 at 4:23 pm
Trista said:
Oh yeah…I have talked about this before. My love for tweezing is over the top, for certain.
On 10/1/08 at 8:50 pm
Karri said:
Tweezing and popping…that’s like music to my ears!
On 10/2/08 at 11:25 am
Proph said:
You are all very disturbed.
On 10/1/08 at 7:40 am
Jody said:
Yeah. the whole bathroom visit while on the phone thing is a tad eww for me lol. i’d rather be called back. and on that topic, I have only one thing to add.
Yesterday my 4 yr old comes up to me out of nowhere and says ‘momma. i have good news. i did NOT poop a nickel.’
i’ll leave you to imagine the house rolling in laughter from that one.
On 10/1/08 at 7:43 am
Cassie said:
SOOOOOOOO
He HAS pooped a nickel? now I’m intrigued!!! LOL
On 10/1/08 at 7:53 am
Trista said:
hahahahahahaaaaa!
So wait…did he EAT a nickel? If so, I am not so sure that was good news!
On 10/1/08 at 7:56 am
Jody said:
yesterday morning he was playing and somehow ‘accidently’ swallowed it. the look on the poor guy’s face was classic ‘oh shit’ add a conversation about basic anatomy and how the next couple days might be difficult on him… plus a 12 yr old brother.. and seems a 4 yr old is anxiously waiting to ‘poop a nickel’
On 10/1/08 at 8:05 am
Trista said:
hahahaha…poor guy! I went through the same, with a Lego. Thank goodness it was one of the teeny-tiny Legos, but still, the entire household waiting with baited breath for that one to come out all right!
On 10/1/08 at 7:54 am
Jody said:
Not yet lol.
On 10/1/08 at 8:08 am
Fiona said:
What about pimple popping, I hate that. *shudder*
I had the boyfriend who would describe the colour and texture of his creations. The same mad insisted the bathroom door remain open so we could continue our conversations while he ….created, once he tried to make me smell it.
Running from him put the roadrunner to shame. *beep beep*
On 10/1/08 at 8:11 am
Trista said:
Oh. My. Gawd.
Of course I have been subjected to more than a few dutch ovens by my current guy…that is almost as bad…
Almost.
On 10/1/08 at 8:14 am
Fiona said:
I can handle a fart, but not the stench as it stares at you from the bowl…..
On 10/1/08 at 8:23 am
Trista said:
No, no, no! DO NOT make me look at it. I don’t even accept that behavior from my children.
Does male = non flushers? I am not okay with this.
On 10/1/08 at 8:47 am
PJ said:
Have you ever had a roommate?
On 10/1/08 at 8:49 am
Trista said:
Many. Once upon a time I was the only girl in a house with 4 dudes.
I block that year out though… ::shudder::
On 10/1/08 at 8:18 am
PJ said:
After awhile in a relationship it’s inevitable that you get a peek behind the curtain. Yes, I agree that you shouldn’t rip through the curtain, but every so often it just kinda slips open and you see something that you’d rather not see. There is a certain level of taking care of each other that requires it. I’m sure that even Brad Pitt has ventured into the bathroom a little too soon after Angie left a little tomb raider.
On 10/1/08 at 8:22 am
Trista said:
Agreed. But yeah, lets not rip the curtain down and tap dance upon it, okay?
On 10/1/08 at 8:29 am
PJ said:
Yeah, because you could like slip on the curtain and end up falling in ….
On 10/1/08 at 8:30 am
Trista said:
the poop?
ewwwwwwww…
Where ya been anyway? I’ve missed your opinionated ass around these parts.
On 10/1/08 at 8:44 am
PJ said:
Eww is right. Work has been kicking my ass, plus I’ve started a little side project that will soon belisted in your blogroll.
On 10/1/08 at 8:48 am
Trista said:
Sweet. You should be writing, punk. We will be proud to link.
But don’t forget to come represent over here for the “sex organs on the outside” set from time to time, m’kay?
On 10/1/08 at 9:24 am
PJ said:
It’s more like I get to try to control a monkeyhouse, rather than writing. Don’t worry, I’m always here as often as possible. The peen needs a voice.
On 10/1/08 at 8:25 am
Tori said:
Dylan actually sent me a picture of a particularly impressive poop one time. Instead of being grossed out, I was, as intended, impressed. I am sort of a guy though. I don’t have a problem with farting or teeth brushing or peeing or any of that. It happens. I’m not easily grossed out.
On 10/1/08 at 8:27 am
Trista said:
You amaze me. I don’t think I am a squeamish person, really…but there are just some things I would rather not see. Poop is on the list. So is tongue scrapings.
On 10/1/08 at 8:54 am
Proph said:
What if the poop was a dead ringer for Buddy from Charles in Charge… or an adequate facsimile of whistler’s mother…or splattered perfection like Pollock? What if I shat out a life size rendering of gary coleman, would you not be intrigued? Have you no appreciation of nature’s artistry?
On 10/1/08 at 9:18 am
Trista said:
You did NOT just bring Pollock into this discussion…
On 10/1/08 at 9:18 am
Trista said:
Well, on second thought, it IS rather apropos, no?
On 10/1/08 at 9:21 am
PJ said:
More like apropoo