Relax, Don’t Do It…If You Want To Come!
March 19, 2008 · Print This Article
Welcome to “He said, She said,” where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:
Faking orgasms: good for the ego, or just bad for the libido?
He said:
Fake orgasms? I’m all for it. Understand, I am there for my pleasure not yours. Does this make me an asshole? Quite possibly, but there’s more to it than that, really. You see, I have an abnormally small penis and a sluggish tongue. Pair that with a bad back, impromptu ADD, a pension for honesty and I’m lucky I can even coax a women into the bedroom…. with out drugging her ( hooray fo xanax)!!. I’m kidding….kidding… about everything but the last two sentences.
In all seriousness, a fake orgasm is a sign of love on a woman’s behalf… your man’s confidence is wrapped up in his supposed mastery of the sexual arts. We all think we’re great. It is your duty to lie to us. Fake first… criticize second. If you tell a man you didn’t fully enjoy the experience…he’ll only revert back to the parlor tricks of porn. Let me clarify…bruised ego for us = bruised pelvis for you, got it?
The only inherent knowledge a man actually has about sex is that it feels good, and that he’d like to do it as often as possible. Your man’s ability in the bedroom can’t be fully appreciated until after you’ve plastered on enough phony O- faces to gain his trust… only then may you begin your tutelage. Hell, we want to be taught; really we do… but not by someone who thinks we suck in bed.
And Ladies, consider yourself lucky if you find a guy who can get you there 50% of the time… seriously, you’ve found the prize at the bottom of the Crackerjacks Box. (I mean let’s be realistic.) If womankind weren’t willing to fake an occasional orgasm or… 10, you’d have all become lesbians by now.
Coincidently there is a trend towards bisexuality these days…smart move on your part…really. That way you can “have good sex and children too.”
She said:
Ooohhhhhh, the Big O. Climaxing. Coming. Going to the moon, Alice. Whatever you call it, you know damn well that you want to do it. Need to, even. But when it comes to climaxing with a partner, there are too many of you women out there that are settling for the occasional, infrequent or sporadic orgasm, or worse, none at all. This is a travesty, ladies. And to make matters worse, all too many of you are turning to the worst possible solution to the problem: faking it.
This is a huge mistake. You should never fake orgasms. Never-ever-ever-ever! I know all the excuses behind it; you are trying to prove yourself orgasmic, spare your partner’s feelings or you just want to go to sleep already. But pretending to climax is not the solution…it’s perpetuating the problem.
Look, if you fake it your sex partner is going to develop some baaaad habits as a result. Ever wondered why a guy you are with stabs at your clit like his tongue is a freaking ice pick? Odds are some well-meaning woman “taught” him to…by pulling the ‘When Harry Met Sally’ on him! If you are making him feel like a porn star when in reality he is flunking out of sexual satisfaction school…well, you are doing yourself and ever other potential partner this guy has out there a great disservice. Not to mention the fact that he is going about town like a blundering idiot, thinking his jack hammering ways are actually satisfying. That’s just sad.
And it’s even worse in relationships. You are setting up a pattern of behavior of which the results are dissatisfaction and frustration. And don’t be thinking you can reveal your needs 6 or 8 months into the relationship when you’re more comfortable…then you’ll just be a lying, frigid bitch that he cannot possibly trust. Either way, over time your sex life with this particular partner is just going to become a hotbed of resentment and irritation, which isn’t really hot at all, is it?
When our male guest writer B isn’t guzzling moonshine or getting turned down by local livestock he sometimes writes on Myspace. Check him out by clicking here
And now its your turn to weigh in: Ladies, do you fake it? Why or why not? Gentlemen, would you rather we DID fake it? You would, huh? B-astards…
On 03/19/08 at 5:11 am
PrincessQ said:
I’ve only faked ONCE and that was during the worst sex of my life. I KNEW that there was no way I’d ever see him again so I didn’t want to bother with talking to him. Let the next girl suffer. I was literally in pain and just wanted it to END.
Other than that…I’m lucky. I’ve never had to fake.
My men take goooooooooood care of me but I do agree that it’s very important NOT to bruise a man’s ego. If you desire him and truly want his sex, then SHOW IT.
Trust me. It all works out in the end
On 03/19/08 at 7:00 am
Trista said:
“Let the next girl suffer. I was literally in pain and just wanted it to END.”
~That’s messed up, yo.
A guy like that NEEDS to be told, “Sorry, but you need to stop now. This is not working for me…at all.” Seriously, every time a girl allows a guy like that to believe what he is doing actually feels good, the more his horrible habits are reinforced.
Bad PQ! I still love you though. =)
On 03/19/08 at 7:19 am
PrincessQ said:
You don’t understand. I don’t think there is anyway I could’ve told him he was bad. I just wanted to get away.
I hurt for 5 days afterward and he was the only guy that got me to DRY UP. Like…I’m wet even when I’m not horny so you can tell how BAD it was.
I know I’m bad but oh my god. LOL
On 03/19/08 at 8:00 am
Trista said:
That’s the kind of guy you PUNCH. Give me his address…I’ll go punch him for you!
On 03/19/08 at 6:37 am
Cassie said:
nope, never faked, never will. If I’m not getting off, why the fuck should he?
On 03/19/08 at 7:02 am
Trista said:
Do you sit him down with a chart and a pointer too? “Look, idiot…THIS is a clitoris…”
Ha!
On 03/19/08 at 7:13 am
Cassie said:
No, I guess I should have. What I did to the couple I had to worry about was kick em out…hoping that dealing with blue balls might make them think about it on their own!!!
Yes, I can be a cruel bitch when I don’t get my way, sometimes!!!
On 03/19/08 at 8:02 am
Trista said:
I’ve walked off in the middle, gone into my bathroom and finished with a vibrator by myself. Yeah…they don’t like that too much, but a girl’s gotta do…
On 03/19/08 at 11:01 am
Sarahh said:
Been there. But I just stayed in bed to do the job properly. When I had finally climaxed I said
“Now THAT’s Better…”
Never heard from him again. Can’t imagine why. Didn’t actually think about him until this blog. Hahahaha…
On 03/19/08 at 11:13 am
Trista said:
Yeah…the other party in my story left the building while I was incapacitated in the bathroom. Can’t imagine why…
On 03/19/08 at 7:30 am
Hater Numero Uno said:
I fake the big o all the time, Dave Chapelle style; “Fooled you! Ha HAAAAA!!”
I’m oblivious to whether “it” happens for my partner or not. Like most guys it doesn’t really matter. I have had a few girls tell me I was too big. And now having thought about it, I was probably bad in bed back then. Like I care, stoicism is my constant companion, and I got my rocks off.
I do like it when a woman shows you all HER special places. Seeing that a technique your last girlfriend taught may never work again. Plus I’m a geek at heart, I LOVE learning new things(espeacially when they involve sex)!
On 03/19/08 at 8:04 am
Trista said:
“Like most guys it doesn’t really matter.”
~Is that really true? Don’t you guys want to excel in the sack?
On 03/19/08 at 9:12 am
Hater Numero Uno said:
only the insecure ones want to really excel. guys are just happy to be getting some on a regular basis. Even the dogs I know who swear they are god’s gift to women don’t really care. I’m not saying I opposed to learning how to please a girl, but most of the time guys can’t tell if you’re faking or not. I don’t have the type of ego where I have to be your most memerible partner. but if you are open and honest I’ll adapt to our needs. The only thing is MOST girls are not honest. I’m willing to wager that most girls who respond to this post will say they ALWAYS have orgasms. That’s probably bullshit and you know it.
On 03/19/08 at 9:19 am
Trista said:
I think there are too many girls out there who aren’t honest about their sex lives, it’s true, and they give other girls a complex. But! If you are honest and communicate with your partner and know your own body, you should be able to get where you need to go most of the time. Like in the 90th percentile type stats, seriously…unless the person you are with is hopeless, won’t listen to you, and/or you are afraid to take matters into your own hands. Fear and laziness are a great sex life’s two biggest enemies.
On 03/19/08 at 10:20 am
Hater Numero Uno said:
I was in the 99th percentile on those culturely biased S.A.T. tests they made you take every year in school.
I hear your arguement and feel you reiterated my point only with statistical rigmarole. I was just saying that most guys only say they care, because they think that is what they should say. Sure if someone I was envolved with told me I sucked in the sack I’d do whatever she suggested to improve. But having said that you women folk aren’t always forthcoming.
On a side note, if something I did early in a relationship to elicit a certain response stopped working or my girl said wasn’t working any more, I wouldn’t label her a liar. I’d change as many times as it takes.
On 03/19/08 at 10:48 am
Trista said:
“Sure if someone I was involved with told me I sucked in the sack I’d do whatever she suggested to improve.”
~Awwwww, so are you admitting to your own insecurities? I think we made a breakthrough…come here, I’ll hold you…
On 03/19/08 at 12:07 pm
Hater Numero Uno said:
only if I can nuzzle your bosom while sucking my thumb….. and if you can stand it, sobbing uncontrollable.
On 03/19/08 at 1:01 pm
Trista said:
Absolutely…come here, big guy!
On 03/19/08 at 2:25 pm
Karri said:
What is going on in here today?!
On 03/20/08 at 4:41 pm
Trista said:
Complete and utter chaos happened in here.
Welcome to Eve-101, people!
On 03/19/08 at 8:24 am
Jason said:
I sure as hell want to excel! I think that being a good lover comes down to communication. Men are by and large not complicated in the sexual fulfillment department, women on the other hand might as well be a rubix cube. Every single woman in different. Not only in her wants and needs, but also what feels good to one may make another want to cry. The first step is always good and healthy communication between partners. Once you can speak openly about your likes and dislikes without shame or awkwardness that is when you can start to cultivate a great sexlife with one another…. not to mention a much greater sense of closeness and intimacy.
On 03/19/08 at 8:32 am
Trista said:
I agree, 100%…but I also think that bad habits are picked up and passed along during casual encounters, or at the beginning of relationships before that comfortability has been fostered. Don’t you think we should speak up, always, even in the beginning? Perhaps I am too abrasive, but I think I am just carrying a couple lessons from my youth. No more jackhammer for me, thanks! Like, ever.
On 03/19/08 at 8:42 am
Karri said:
“It’s NOT a jackhammer, people!”
On 03/19/08 at 8:47 am
Trista said:
And I am not concrete!!! My delicate flower cannot take that kind of abuse!
On 03/19/08 at 8:58 am
Karri said:
And let us not forget that bad bedroom manners can cause our environments to go terribly awry!
On 03/19/08 at 10:24 am
Hater Numero Uno said:
So farting or belching mid-stroke is a turn off? Those two things usually always preclude shooting moon with the girls I’ve been with.
On 03/19/08 at 10:36 am
Trista said:
I only concern myself with flatulence if it’s during oral copulation…
On 03/19/08 at 10:42 am
lexicon said:
indubitably
On 03/19/08 at 11:18 am
Hater Numero Uno said:
So you’ve never given a blumkin?
On 03/19/08 at 11:25 am
Trista said:
Hell no. Toilets and sexy time don’t mix in my world.
On 03/19/08 at 12:09 pm
Hater Numero Uno said:
but you’d let a dog lick peanut butter offa ya? I can get with that.
On 03/19/08 at 12:49 pm
Trista said:
Nah, that’s Karri’s bag.
On 03/19/08 at 2:26 pm
Karri said:
Ummmm…I can hear you, Ms. “I eat peanut butter out of the jar”.
On 03/19/08 at 2:29 pm
Trista said:
I eat it, ME, TRISTA! Not my dog.
I don’t like food-play. =P
On 03/19/08 at 8:40 am
Jason said:
I think you are right on target with that thinking. Besides… what is wrong with fostering that kind of openness early on in the relationship? I still think it is easier to learn what works and what doesn’t early on, versus having to “unlearn” it later.
On 03/19/08 at 8:46 am
Trista said:
Plus then you have to confess to being a big phony later on…because your partner is going to wonder why something that worked in the beginning doesn’t work now. It’s difficult, but being honest and open in the bedroom is soooooooo important.
On 03/19/08 at 9:32 am
Chris said:
I seem to agree with Trista or Karri every time you guys do one of these “He Said, She Said” columns. What does that say about me? Am I a Girly-Man, or am I just “in touch with my feminine side”? Maybe it’s because you keep using these Neanderthals to write the “He Said” portion and I’m more evolved… Yeah, I like that explanation better!
On 03/19/08 at 9:40 am
Trista said:
“Maybe it’s because you keep using these Neanderthals to write the “He Said” portion…”
~shhhhhh…don’t let our secret out! =)
On 03/19/08 at 10:20 am
Karri said:
Or maybe it’s because Trista and I seem to have grown balls of our own? Or, we’re just highly evolved women? Ya, that’s it!
On 03/19/08 at 2:03 pm
Chris said:
Your inner man can convert my inner lesbian any day of the week and twice on Sunday!
On 03/19/08 at 10:28 am
Hater Numero Uno said:
brake out the rouge and hosiery, you’re a fem dude.
On 03/19/08 at 11:48 am
Rex said:
…what’s sex???
On 03/19/08 at 12:15 pm
Sarahh said:
As per my mother in 1988.
“When a man and a woman put their privates together children are born” That was it. No graphs or quirky anectdotes. Just that.
That right there is UPBRINGING!
On 03/19/08 at 12:48 pm
Trista said:
When I was 5 my parents gave me “The Body Book.” It told me everything I wanted to know…and a WHOOOOLE lotta stuff I didn’t want to know.
Parents are the greatest.
On 03/19/08 at 1:34 pm
Kevin said:
I believe I got the best of both worlds.
I remember being about 8-10ish when my mother and step-father sat me down with the book “Where Did I Come From?” From what I remember, it did a pretty good job explaining the “in’s & out’s”, so to speak, of anatomy and “how babies are made”.
On the flip side, it was somewhere around the same age that I found my father’s stash of 3 decades worth of Playboy magazines… with the a few Penthouse and OUI mags thrown in, too.
Education is key to EVERYTHING. But getting that balance of “literal/medical” and “sexy/sensual/hardcore” at such a budding young age did wonders for my sexual mindset. I swear by this type of sexual education.
On 03/19/08 at 2:20 pm
Trista said:
So I need to leave some Playboys “hidden” in the house for my boys to find…good to know!
On 03/19/08 at 5:28 pm
Kevin said:
Seriously. If you keep it all “clinical”, people get distorted views of sex and sexuality. And not a GOOD distortion. You gotta have balance. Playboy Letters and Penthouse Forum can do wonders for a man.
On 03/19/08 at 10:01 pm
Jackie said:
ummmm yeah I learned more from the books we snuck in the garage then anywhere else hahahaha
On 03/20/08 at 6:42 am
Trista said:
You didn’t need any learning! I still remember that letter you wrote as a joke to Penthouse or Hustler or whatever one it was…crazy-ass!
On 03/19/08 at 12:22 pm
Rex said:
I remember my dad entering my room one day when I was nine and he slipped a rubber on a banana and NEVER mentioned or said the word ’sex’ once.
All this time I thought sex was just flirting and buying shit for ladies. Dammit.
On 03/19/08 at 12:49 pm
Trista said:
Rubber band on a banana…I…uhh…hmm.
On 03/19/08 at 1:03 pm
Kevin said:
Ladies… please…. DO… NOT… FAKE IT!!
Gotta go with the “she said” on this one, WHOLEHEARTEDLY! Educate… and he’ll reciprocate. That is, if he’s worth his weight in salt. If he’s not, at LEAST tell him WHY you’re throwing his shit out in the street. MAYBE he’ll get the hint.
But you can’t just keep quiet about his lack of skills. Nor should you ever reward someone for being bad. Whether the guy cares or not, either he gets with the program, or he finds another dance partner. I mean, that would be my mantra if I were a woman.
As a man however, I personally DO care about what I’m doing, and who I’m doing it to. I’m not about “just getting my rocks off” with any Beth, Jane or Mary. I’m way more of a “quality over quantity” kinda guy. So yeah, when I’m performing, she gets my FULL attention… as well as first dibs on reaching her “gushing point”.
Depending on how things are going, she often reaches 2 or 3 before my 1st. And I’ve got zero problem with that… ever… because I get as much enjoyment, and sometimes more, just from the journey, than I do from me reaching the final destination.
But hey… maybe I’m just in a very small percentile. I’ve no complaints.
And as far as I know, never been faked.
On 03/19/08 at 1:04 pm
Kevin said:
Holy shit! I’m no longer a shadowman! Woo hoo!
On 03/19/08 at 1:14 pm
Trista said:
Swoon!
That’s what I’m talking about!
I gotta go cool off…all that talk of gushing and multiples…
On 03/19/08 at 1:21 pm
Karri said:
He’s gotten me twice today…leaving me speechless I mean. HOLY. FREAKIN’. BEEJESUS! We’ve got a live one T…weeeeeeeee!!!
On 03/19/08 at 1:23 pm
Kevin said:
Haha! Well, I swear I’m not boasting or anything. That’s just how I was raised I suppose. Um… that doesn’t sound right. But you know what I mean. “Hold women to the highest regard” and “Take pride in your work”. Two life lessons taught to me early on. Seems they go hand-in-hand quite nicely in this situation. Lol.
Seriously, though… if you REALLY love sex. And you REALLY love women… how can you NOT want to learn and then do your best? EVERY TIME!! Listen to, and better yet PAY ATTENTION TO your woman. One way or another, she’ll tell you how to be perfect.
At least she BETTER! Lol. If not, turn this whole topic on its ear and kick HER to the curb.
On 03/19/08 at 1:29 pm
Karri said:
I’m just fond of men who use the term “gushing point” with such enthusiasm. Well done, well done!
On 03/19/08 at 1:36 pm
Kevin said:
Well… PHYSICALLY, as you may well know, all women are a bit different in that department. But using that term to describe the actual feeling and mindset of that moment… yeah… kinda works well there, too, don’tcha think?
On 03/19/08 at 2:18 pm
Trista said:
Since I often feel as though my brain is leaking out of my ears after a good one, yes…yes I do.
On 03/19/08 at 5:29 pm
Kevin said:
Haha! Exactly.
On 03/19/08 at 1:04 pm
Rex said:
RUB-BER. Slang for condom. You’re of an advanced age, you should know this! :p
I’m pretty much Spockin’ It (doin’ it once every seven years… Trek reference, so sue me) so fortunately (or unfortunately) I know nothing about this topic.
On 03/19/08 at 1:12 pm
Trista said:
hahahahahaaaa…my brain put BAND in their…silly Trista.
I gotta step away from this contraption for a bit…I’m seeing things! Play nice, kids!
On 03/19/08 at 1:55 pm
Ladyfinger said:
Every guy has been faked….If you’re really good in the sack..you’ve still been faked. Been in a long relationship…you’ve increased your chances of being faked immeasurably. You can’t put out the same quality of product every time…you can give it your best but there are nights when you just fall short of the “gush point”. You may even get a woman to the point of climax and flub near the finish line. And if she’s used to a certain quality…she may lie to you afterwards about how good of an “o” she really had. Why? you’ve earned crediblity…and she’s not stupid. You don’t want to go jinxing the goose neck who gave the golden orgasm just because it happens to be imperfect on accasion.
On 03/19/08 at 2:02 pm
Ryan said:
< Never been faked.
On 03/19/08 at 3:47 pm
ladyfinger said:
It’s always the ones who boldy proclaim “never” that usually fall short… You can’t learn from instruction if you’re perfect.
On 03/19/08 at 4:32 pm
Ryan said:
So quick to judge. It is possible that I’m just not selfish in bed.
On 03/19/08 at 2:07 pm
Chris said:
If she faked me, she did it six times…
On 03/19/08 at 2:11 pm
Kevin said:
Agreed… to a point. Don’t get me wrong. I never said I was perfect. And I’ve CERTAINLY had my “off days”. Or the occasional “SON OF A BITCH! I WAS ALMOST THERE!” Lol!
But I’m of the opinion that it makes no sense to “fake me”. It serves no purpose since I DO know what I’m doing… and while I do give it my best shot, I don’t “beat the dead horse” when there’s trouble getting there. Again, this goes back to paying attention to your woman. If it’s not gonna happen, it’s not gonna happen. And either you’re both just fine with that… or you’ll take care of individually, if need be. And that won’t bother me one bit! I LOVE watching a woman masturbate. If anything, that makes things THAT much hotter… and chances are I’m gonna learn something new.
You may be right that “EVERYONE’S been faked before”, including me. But in regards to the topic, I think it’s pointless and serves no purpose.