Sail Away
July 21, 2008 · Print This Article
Fear is a loud-mouthed, assertive emotion. It crowds in, pushing everything else out, sucking up all your attention and energy like a vacuum.
For a long time I have been involved in a committed relationship with fear. And as needy as fear was, it really didn’t allow me time for much else. I recognized the problem some time ago, but old habits are difficult to break. Fear had held my reins for so long that I wasn’t sure how to take them back…or if I would even know how to drive this train if I DID take them back.
You see, fear and I go waaaay back, to my childhood. When my family lost my older sister and I became an only child, a hole in our home opened up and fear moved in. And we never did ask it to leave. I am not even sure we noticed it at first, hanging out amidst our grief and loss. In this seemingly unobtrusive way fear slowly gained control of my life until I was trapped within its grasp. So I learned to live with it…sort of.
But it has been holding me back all these years.
InterFEARing.
Now I find myself rushing towards July 31st , a day which marks the anniversary of my sister’s death…and the beginning of my liaison with fear. A day I usually spend wrapped in unhappy thoughts and emotions. But not this year. Because I know something fear doesn’t know.
We are about to break up.
You see, I am tired of living in my self imposed isolation…and that is all fear has ever really given to me. Yes, it promised me protection, but it has kept me from change, from travel, from adventure, from love. It has kept me from being the woman I long to be…it has kept me from living the life I long to live.
This year I am letting go.
This year on that day that I normally dread I will travel to a place that is sacred to my sister and I, and I will sit down at our pond…loaded with paper and pen. And I will write down every one of my fears and I will sail them away into the water…over and over again until at last I am free.
And July 31st will no longer be a day of sadness and regret…but rather one of hope and growth and love. Because I know that is what she wants for me…and at last I am willing to give her that gift and take her on that journey with me.
What do you need to be free of? Open your hands…your hearts…your minds…and just let it go. You will be amazed at what can grow in the space it leaves behind…
xx
On 07/21/08 at 4:24 am
PrincessQuello said:
Thanks for sharing this honey.
I still can’t let go of my fears even though I like to play the strong girl. I can’t let go of the fact that I feel inadequate or that I’ll never be good enough for my parents. I fear that I’ll keep disappointing my dad. I fear that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never actually accomplish anything.
The people who love me see this strength and light in me.
I just wish I could see it myself
On 07/21/08 at 8:27 am
Trista said:
Thank you for joining me today.
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I think our fears have a message for us…the key is to not allow them to take over, but rather communicate their message to us and then step aside and let us do what we will with it.
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I was stuck at step one for too long. No more. It’s scary, but just take a deep breath and step…one at a time, till your journey is made.
On 07/21/08 at 5:35 am
Wenchy said:
I have struggled with fear for years…. fear of letting go even - but I am getting there!!!!
On 07/21/08 at 8:29 am
Trista said:
One step at a time, my friend…
On 07/21/08 at 7:08 am
lisaq said:
My brother was killed in a car accident 2 years ago this August. Though I didn’t lose him as a child, I can still empathize with losing a sibling and becoming an only child in one scary moment. My mom has always been a fatalist. Children learn what they live and I had, sadly, picked up that damn fatalist gene. I had worked hard to overcome it but, of course, my brother’s death brought it to the forefront again. I worry about my daughters especially if I know they are traveling, but I’m working on it…hard.
The biggest fear I’ve dealt with in recent years though has been my fear of growing old alone. It’s one I struggle with on a daily basis and am working hard to overcome.
I love your idea and will just have to give it a go myself. Something concrete might be just do the trick!
On 07/21/08 at 8:34 am
Trista said:
I think a big part of why it is so important to me to stop this pattern inside of me is for my children. I definitely don’t want them picking up on this and becoming fearful.
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And I am also ready to acknowledge the part my fears have played in my romantic relationships thus far. If I want to break THAT pattern, I have to make the change.
On 07/21/08 at 7:29 am
Karri said:
Sharing your fear is the bravest act of all.
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I am in awe of your strength, and so proud to call you my friend!
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LOVELOVELOVE YOU!
On 07/21/08 at 8:35 am
Trista said:
I wouldn’t be sitting here, in this moment of calm and clarity, if not for you. I haven’t the words to express my gratitude.
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xx
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This mushy moment was brought to you by the makers of Eve-101.
On 07/21/08 at 8:40 am
Karri said:
For so many reasons I’m speechless…
On 07/21/08 at 7:59 am
Jime said:
Thanks for sharing that, Trista, really a very tender thing to reveal. Those little fears grow like a second skin don’t they? And become comfortable…symbiotic actually. Remember that fear is the seed of courage, and courage is a glorious thing.
On 07/21/08 at 8:40 am
Trista said:
Thank you, Jime. My fear had become even more than a second skin…it had become a layer of brambles and thorns keeping the world out. I was safe in there…but I wasn’t really living.
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It was time to bring out the soul shears. =)
On 07/21/08 at 8:52 am
Jime said:
Bwa ha, time to bleed away all the blood that is not your own. Hm…there’s a line from a poem I wrote…eh, I had to look it up cause I forgot it: “disguises do not hide you from the world,
they hide the world from you.” Sounds apt.
.
Soul shear that shit!
On 07/21/08 at 9:07 am
Trista said:
I’m on it!
On 07/21/08 at 2:48 pm
Chris said:
“I was safe in there…but I wasn’t really living.”
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Again… speechless.
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L, 853. =)
On 07/21/08 at 4:37 pm
Trista said:
<---Thinks you are amazing too. =)
On 07/23/08 at 7:48 pm
Chris said:
<—Blushes and scuffs toe in dirt.
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Aw, thank you, hon. =)
On 07/21/08 at 9:11 am
Meghan said:
Jime picked the word I would use - tender. That was incredibly brave of you to share. I simply can’t imagine that kind of loss and what effects it would have on my world.
Our fears do become like a second skin. Feeling so fragile underneath completely eliminates a large part of our reality. It’s like two magnets repelling, me against the rest of the world…you can’t get too close, even if you tried.
On 07/21/08 at 9:19 am
Trista said:
I still feel incredibly fragile…but I am learning that exposure to what frightens me, in small doses, is making me stronger.
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“That which does not kill us…” blah blah blah…but it’s true! =)
On 07/21/08 at 9:34 am
Meghan said:
Very true. It’s hard to recognize that what’s killing us is the fear of whats NOT killing us. Separating those two emotional bastards and moving on changes your life. It opens the doors and allows you to step outside versus just looking through the window.
On 07/21/08 at 9:53 am
Jime said:
“It’s hard to recognize that what’s killing us is the fear of whats NOT killing us. True that. It’s strange that no matter how afraid of “what’s not killing us”, those things are probably not so bad if seen through a different lens. The lens of fear is murky and scratched and not very good for magnifying key decisions.
On 07/21/08 at 10:25 am
Trista said:
I like to call my fear lens the lens of “what ifs?” In my past I could “what if?” my way out of anything.
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No more. Being brave is scary, but it also brings about growth. Bring scared is safer, but it brings about stagnation.
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And that stinks! =P
On 07/21/08 at 10:46 am
Jime said:
You grow, girl!
On 07/21/08 at 11:26 am
Kevin M. said:
Wow, T. Just when I think you guys have touched on all subjects… you come with something this personal, this powerful. Major applause to you for not only sharing with us… but also for taking a stand and ACTUALLY doing something to put an end to such an undesired element in your life. Frankly, that’s damn inspiring and I hope at least one person who is thisclose to putting their own foot down, but just can’t, will read this column and get that much needed push of courage. Thank you, again.
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Personally? I don’t fear much. Anymore, that is. I used to fear losing my parents, or just about anyone close to me. But somehow, somewhere along the line I stopped fearing death. I’ve realized it’s as much a part of life as, well, life is. Lol. But seriously, there’s nothing you can do about it… so why drive yourself nuts over it and ruin the life you DO have? I dunno. It’s a lot easier said than done, I understand… but, maybe luckily, I have reached that point. And I’m certainly grateful. And it may have been a much easier road for me because I’ve never really lost anyone REAL close to me. A couple of grandfathers when I was really young. But they weren’t that close to me, and I really just didn’t understand anyway. So I suppose I just wasn’t affected much by losing them. I absolutely can NOT imagine losing a parent or sibling… especially while young. It must be DEEPLY painful and scarring. My mother came close to dying about 10 years ago and while she is doing better, she’ll have her disease until the end. So I suppose I’ve had enough time now to cope with the reality and I just don’t fear it. I DO however want that day to never come. It’s going to hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt… but I can’t stop it, and I don’t want to go crazy trying to fight it off.
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Other than that, everything else is just “the small stuff”. And I don’t sweat it. I am assuming though, that once I have a wife and children of my own, there will most certainly be a whole slew of fears cast upon me. But you know what? Bring’em on. The trade off will be SO worth it!
On 07/21/08 at 1:11 pm
Trista said:
Thank you. I find it so amazing that Karri and I have been able to cultivate this amazing environment over here…a place of love and sharing and growth. So I thank you all for making me feel safe to share.
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=)
On 07/21/08 at 9:09 pm
Kevin M. said:
Just wish I had more time to devote to eve.
On 07/21/08 at 3:44 pm
Karri said:
“Personally? I don’t fear much. Anymore, that is. I used to fear losing my parents, or just about anyone close to me. But somehow, somewhere along the line I stopped fearing death.”
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“I won’t say that I’m excited to go, but I’m not afraid.” ~ My Mom. My hero.
On 07/21/08 at 9:14 pm
Kevin M. said:
Nice. And that’s the thing… who knows?… whatever awaits us may be better than our time spent in this physical host. We’ll only know after that time comes. And we won’t be doing much reporting back to those still here… so as said before, you can’t do shit to make a difference about the afterlife. So accept it with welcome arms… if, um… you’ve got no more options.
On 07/21/08 at 12:12 pm
Phoenix said:
I wish you peace in your journey.
My biggest fear is so scary that I don’t even want to put it into words. I think I need some therapy. :p
On 07/21/08 at 1:12 pm
Trista said:
Thanks, sister.
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I am certain I have a few of those fears hidden in my closet. But I am going to do my best to banish them.
On 07/21/08 at 12:22 pm
Borikwa23 said:
2004 was the worst year of my life. I lost my cousin who was murdered, and two life long friends, one to a car accident, one to suicide. I loved them all like brothers and I lost all three of these people within just a few months of each other. For quite a while I was bitter and depressed and at times. I really didn’t care to pick myself up off the ground feeling that it was only a matter of time until I ended up right back there.
I really can’t pinpoint when I turned the corner or how but I know that right now I’m in the best state of mind that I’ve been in my entire life. You never get 100% over things like that, I still think about those who aren’t here, why they’re not here, what we’d be doing together if they were here and so on. The difference now is I don’t let my own thoughts drown me. I think about it, I write about it, I move on with my day. I know now that no matter how many times you ask the questions or how bad you want the answers, you’re never going to get them.
And so every year, I let go, just a little more. I let go of some of the anger, the regret, the bitterness, and the sorrow. It doesn’t mean I forget. There are things that remind me of them every where I go. Every time I see a Brinks truck I think of my cousin, that’s who he worked for. The cemetary where two of them were buried is just minutes away from my house and I walk by it often. Every time there’s a gathering of friends I can’t help but notice that some of us are missing. I will never completely forget, I can never fully heal the wounds but I’ve convinced myself that I can’t let those thoughts and feelings drastically impact my life, at least not in a negative way. I feel I have too much good to give and if I didn’t live my life to the fullest, I’d be doing my lost friends a great disservice.
I’m glad you wrote this. I’m glad I got a chance to write back. It’s much tougher to bring these things up with people who shared in your tragedy therefore I don’t get to share my thoughts and feelings about this with my family and friends too often. I’m happy any time I can get some of that off my chest.
Thank you.
On 07/21/08 at 1:09 pm
Trista said:
Thank you for sharing as well. If I was able to aid you in any way…I am very much pleased.
On 07/21/08 at 12:23 pm
Sarahh said:
I oddly enough do the same thing. A meditative (SP?) trick I learned once. If you are troubled, picture putting those troubles or fears into a tiny sailboat and watching them float out of sight…
It is a brave thing to face but I think you are the right woman for the job!
Sorry for the long absence!! And thanks for sharing this.
On 07/21/08 at 1:13 pm
Trista said:
I am so glad to see you!
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You picked a good day to return though…I needed the friendly faces today.
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xx
On 07/21/08 at 2:22 pm
Chris said:
T,
You are a goddess. I worship you. You already know the chord this struck with me. For you to put this into these words… for once in my life, I am without words.
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I must share this.
On 07/21/08 at 4:36 pm
Trista said:
xx
On 07/21/08 at 3:21 pm
Trunks Kirshner said:
I’ve never suffered a ‘permanent’ loss of someone close. I thought about this while I was out today, and I will definitely be cheering for you on July 31st Trista - I suppose I’m just rare to have never dealt with a loss on that level
I grew up an only child, only lost three parents to divorce - but that’s just divorce, it’s not death, you get used to it… and the last divorce was a birthday present to me since the man was so horrible. I watched my Dad’s mother die, but we weren’t extremely close and I was far too young for the appropriate “affect” to manifest itself during that event
On 07/21/08 at 4:45 pm
Trista said:
I think witnessing an abundance of divorce and poor relationship models fills you with a different kind of fear…but it is no less valid.
On 07/21/08 at 3:30 pm
Trunks Kirshner said:
I’ve lost my first love… just like everyone else. I lost a best friend after swallowing my pride, putting my honor behind me, and trying nearly to the point of death to have her friendship again - though I failed, it wasn’t in vain - but again, everyone’s had that experience… and even worst ones.
My childish pain/losses truly can’t compare
On 07/21/08 at 3:45 pm
Trunks Kirshner said:
I suppose the fear that I’d want to sail away would be my fear that True Love is losing its place on today’s social culture - the divorce I witnessed in my family during childhood, the absurd divorce rate as it is, the failed relationships that I’ve had myself… at this point I truly prefer permanent cohabitation over marriage.
On 07/21/08 at 4:34 pm
Trista said:
That is a perfectly legitimate fear to release…and one I think you would find many people share.
On 07/21/08 at 4:14 pm
damon said:
I’m glad to see you are turning this day into a positive.
Referring to it as a “break up” with fear is perfect.
Good luck to you.
On 07/21/08 at 4:35 pm
Trista said:
Thank you…and thank you for stopping by.
On 07/21/08 at 5:06 pm
Carol said:
Trista,
I have known substantial losses in my life. But, to lose a sister…no. So,I won’t pretend to know how all of this feels for you. What I can share is how it felt to read it. To be invited into your pond of thoughts and the pond you intend to let them go in. It was beautiful. Empowering. A reminder that the only way to beat the fuck out of fear is through love. I say it a lot…quite certain that I get “broken record” reports on this one. But, I do believe it THAT strongly. Whatever we fear, we must love ourselved and others through the fear to truly get past it. I will be sending you love,strength and hope mojo on the 31st, even more than usual.
On 07/21/08 at 7:54 pm
Trista said:
I felt empowered just writing it…it was a great big step for me.
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And I look forward to being the recipient of a heaping helping of hope mojo!
On 07/21/08 at 6:54 pm
Meghan said:
Late, but my friend sent me a quote I wanted to share…
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” - Eleanor Roosevelt.
The fruit is out on the limb…and today you gave us a new reason to appreciate our friends and family. Thanks, doll!
On 07/21/08 at 7:54 pm
Trista said:
It’s the least I could do for you all…my internet family.
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xx
On 07/21/08 at 8:00 pm
Meghan said:
I’m going to be so psyched to say ‘I kinda knew her when…’ you are bound for greatness, dear! Congrats on your post!
On 07/21/08 at 7:40 pm
Rev. Mitcz said:
Wow. I never knew this about your life. You’re a tough woman - and that’s a tough thing to overcome.
You can do it, though. Your strength gives me strength for an upcoming loss. My thoughts are with you. Go forth and conquer.
On 07/21/08 at 7:56 pm
Trista said:
It’s something that I have carried around as a private pain for entirely too long. Time to free it.
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And you know I am here…always…I don’t always have the answers, but I am quite a skilled listener. =)
On 07/21/08 at 8:00 pm
Gropey the Schizophrenic Clown said:
very good blog…but I don’t know how somene who goes by nomenclature such as myslf would happen to comment this blog without feeling ashamed of there own presence.
On 07/22/08 at 9:35 am
Trista said:
This was actually a very classy comment, thank you.
On 07/21/08 at 8:05 pm
Me said:
Check again….I’m sure I commented your blog.
On 07/22/08 at 8:58 am
maggie said:
I really enjoyed reading this today–it came at perfect timing. thank you.
On 07/22/08 at 9:31 am
Trista said:
Thank you! And thank you for stopping by. =)
On 07/25/08 at 12:40 pm
Kalliann said:
This is my first post here. I know that this article was posted a few days ago, but I need to comment on it. How beautiful and inspirational. Fear. What a small, simple word that carries so much emotion for all of us. It is so easy to let it take over our minds, and hearts. The frustrating part for me is when people say “just let it go”. The problem with that is the cause of the fear is valid and emotional. Letting it go is Haaarrrddd.. I don’t know if we can ever really let it go. It becomes a part of who we are, a part of our character. I think that the best thing is to not let it get too overbearing or controlling.