Who gets to be on top?

I have touched on the subject sexual submission in a past piece, and I got a bit of grief for it. Okay, in actuality I got attacked. A certain special someone who shall remain anonymous (because frankly he doesn’t deserve your time or attention) actually told me that my interest in the subject was “sick and disturbing.” And this was coming from a man that enjoys sex with animals, but I digress…

So no, dominance and submission is not about degradation. It is not about finding pleasure in the infliction of brutality. Simply put, it is about one party letting go and giving up their power for pleasure. It’s about sharing, trust, openness and of course, unabashed sexuality.

So this got me to wondering about the general public’s view on the subject. Do most people see this as degrading? Immoral? Disturbing? And I realized that though I wrote about submission, I never really discussed the other side, dominance. And because I believe in balancing the equation and lets face it, I heart hate mail, here we are!

So firstly, what exactly does it mean to be the “dominant” in sexual terms? To put it in the simplest of terms a dominant is the partner who is given control in a consensual power exchange. The dominant is the party who sets the tone and controls all the activity. This partner has the duty of taking charge and maintaining it.

Many couples just naturally have a more dominant partner and more submissive one. The actual sexual practice known as D/s just takes this a step further. Sure, some mix in some other fantasies and fetishes with it, such as role playing, bondage, or even the oh-so taboo sadomasochism, but those really are add-ons.

So what is proper domination? It is a balancing act. He or she must be in tune with their submissive partner; paying attention to and feeding off of their sexual responses while still remaining actively in control. It is hard to give an accurate ‘how to’ when it comes to domination, for it is not only highly objective but it also has a lot to do with what both you and your partner’s preferences are. Sometimes it is about physical control, for others it is verbal. It can be about who decides the where, when’s and how’s, or it can involve more elaborate schemes. The only things that MUST be present are my three C’s:

1. Control
2. Communication
   
3. Caring

Keep these in mind and you and your partner should be just fine.

And now, for some comic relief to ease the (sexual) tension, here are several crucial characteristics of a talented and trustful dominant.

• You must be very self-aware. How are you going to get into the heart and soul of another if you do not know your own? You must know and be comfortable in your sexuality. And you must know your own limitation. If you aren’t comfortable having a girl at your feet crying “daddy, daddy, punish me!” best you know that ahead of time and make it clear to your partner.

• You must be able to retain self-control at all times. Oddly enough, if you aren’t maintaining control over self, you are going to fail miserably at maintaining control over another. You can also be quite dangerous if you cannot keep fantasy and reality straight within your own mind. A delusional whip-wielding man in my bed and me all tied up with nowhere to run? Me thinks not!

• You must have a sensual side. Pleasure is the point of all this. If everyone isn’t having a good time in the end, what’s the point? For example, a good spanking should be followed by a good rubdown. Because if you beat someone like a dog and then send them home without giving them a treat first chances are good you will not be seeing them again.

• You must study the craft. Any fool can pick up some rope and tell you they are into dominance and submission with bondage. But an excellent partner will educate themselves BEFORE they play. You should have knowledge of the various tools of whatever trade you are about to engage in, and also have some basic understanding of human anatomy if nothing else. Don’t learn that it is WRONG to flog someone in the kidney the hard way. Ouch…
  

• You must see your submissive partner as an equal. They are giving you a gift, that gift is power. Do not take that lightly. It does not mean that they do not have dignity and self-respect. Honor this person’s feelings and limitations at all times. And remember, when play time is over, you stand on even ground once more. No forcing your boyfriend to go to the store with you on a leash. Unless of course he likes that sort of thing.

Engaging in dominance and submission is not unlike engaging in any other sexual act with a consensual partner. Know when to push, and when to pull back. Do not get lost in your own fantasies and forget the living, breathing person lying/ kneeling/ strung up (ehm) before you. Be patient, get to know your partner, and strive to earn their trust, because that, more than the bondage ropes, is the tie that binds.

So what say you, friends and family o’ Eve? Should I feel bad about my love of being tossed around a bit in the bedroom? (Pssst…I totally don’t) How do you feel about dominance, submission, bondage, etc etc? How do you think it compares with bestiality? (Sorry, I had to ask…) And lastly, for those of you brave enough, I would love to know if you have a little of the old submissive or dominant in you! Share, please!

Leashing the Beast

Dear Eve,

I am hoping that you can solve a little family dispute for me. My sister-in-law and I got into a pretty bitter disagreement recently over the use of leashes on children. It all began when we went to the county fair about a month ago, she had her four year old son on one of those things the entire time! He looked like a sad little puppy as he watched all the other kids running around, having fun. They only time she let him off was to go on a pony ride, and even then she followed him around the loop with one hand on him even though he was strapped in! When I asked her if he’s always on a leash she got angry and said that I should have my daughter on one myself because she is prone to wandering off and the way I parent I might end up losing her. I was livid, but it’s my husband’s sister so I kept silent for the rest of the day.

I had pretty much decided to let it go when a package came to my house last week and what did it have in it? A child’s leash! She had it sent to me, with a note that said “Because I love her.” I am so angry and no one in my family understands why. My husband just says that’s how she is, stop overreacting. Am I overreacting? And what do you (and your readers) think of child leashes?

Thank you,

Freedom mommy

Dear Free-mommin’

Parenting is such an interesting job, isn’t it? For the most part we are left with gray area. There are a few black and white’s: Feed them. Clothe them. Love them. Don’t kill them. We (sane) parents understand and can agree on those basics. But beyond all that, well, things start to get tricky.

Was I a “leashing mother?” No. Does that mean I think anyone who uses those contraptions is a BAD mother? No. While I do not personally agree with them, I can also understand that the parents that do utilize them are most likely well-intentioned. I don’t think they are used maliciously. Much like your sister up there, I think a lot of parents use them out of fear or protectiveness. They seem to be the hover-mothers best friend.

Personally, I am of a different school of thought. I believe my most important job is to teach my kids how to be successful members of society. And in our society we don’t walk people around on leashes. Instead, we must learn not to wander off alone in groups, we learn not to dart out into the street; we learn how to be safe in an unsafe world. Just today as I started to cross a parking lot with my own four year I put down my hand, he grabbed it and we walked. It was all on reflex, that’s simply what we do.

Now anyone that knows my littlest knows that this is an active child. He is a high spirited, high energy kid, and fast, so so fast! He is the kind of kid that needs the time and space to sometimes run free. However, he knows not to dart out, he knows not wander off. Did it take time to teach him? Sure. But whether we do this at 2 or 4 or older, teach them we must. For my family I decided the sooner the better. I am sure there are many out there that don’t agree with me. That’s okay too. we all have our own way.

I understand how easy it is to give into fear as a parent. Those are our hearts walking around out there - of course we have an overwhelming need to guard them and keep them safe. But realize that they could get hurt anywhere: in the car, at school, playing sports, in our own homes. Unless you are going to raise your child in a bubble, you have to know that there are risks with this parenting gig. But one of the greatest rewards is watching them GROW into amazing people…so I for one am going to let them.

Again, this is just my opinion. I realize any parent that does subscribe to “leash law” is going to have their reasons, and that’s okay. We are all free to be the parents we feel we need to be.

Which brings me to the special delivery item you received on your doorstep last week. You ask if you overreacting. In a word, no. You are upset because someone is trying to impose their will upon you in an emotionally manipulative way- who wouldn’t be upset?

Your sister-in-law is doing exactly what I think we should all resist doing as best we can…telling other parents how to parent. Her intentions aside, she is engaging in some passive aggressive bullying and you do NOT have to tolerate that. Shame on your husband for not taking a stand with you. If I were you, his butt would be in the doghouse!

The only problem I see here is that you are complaining to your other family members about it, when you should be taking this issue straight to the source…Sister McMeddlestein.

So I leave you with this suggestion.

Send back a muzzle. And be sure to include a note…

“Because you need one.”

Love and kisses,

Eve

• Have you ever had to deal with a meddling relative or friend?

• How did you handle it?

• And since she asked for all to weigh in…give the girl your opinion on leashing the kids, would ya?

Poor Little Homewrecker

Dear Eve,

My best friend is dating a married man. I hate the idea and I am having a very hard time supporting her as a friend. She of course is going through the ol’ “he hasn’t left his wife, he doesn’t make enough time for me” drama and I can’t take it. The sad thing is I’m sure they really care for each other. I am pretty conflicted, she is my best friend and I am happy that she is happy with this guy, but on the other hand I am disgusted by the fact that she is living in this fantasy world.

Eve, any words of wisdom?

Thanks,
Anti-Alliance Annie

Dear Ann,

Well now, you’re in quite a pickle, aren’t you? On one hand we can certainly argue the point that whatever actions little Miss Homewrecker chooses to engage in are of her own volition and none of us have the right to judge the lessons others need to learn. Conversely, you appear to have differentiating opinions as to what is acceptable behavior. So what’s a girl to do, you ask?

Firstly, I have to wonder, Ann, what exactly makes you happy about your best friend sleeping with a man who’s legally bound to another woman? And what about her tirades could possibly bring joy to your life? Although you may not condone the actions of the mister’s mistress you are most assuredly enabling her by continuing to listen to her drone on and on about her sordid affair. Clearly there must be a part of you that’s living vicariously through her Off Broadway performance or you would have had this discussion with her rather than continuing to churn the gossip mill.

It’s blatantly apparent that both you and your fine feathered friend could benefit from a crash course in self-respect and dignity! If you don’t value yourself enough to have convictions in your beliefs then you deserve every pain staking moment of the other woman’s gibberish. That being said, at some point we all make a poor decision or two and what we really need is a friend to throw us a life preserver and save us from our own cesspool. Try having a heart-to-heart with your gal pal. Speak slowly and calmly and simply explain how you feel and that you can’t support her decisions. If your words fall on deaf ears then so be it.

“Distance Therapy” is another alternative to permanent extermination. Take a little break from the manic nonsense; stop wasting your precious time and energy on someone who is too self-absorbed to think rationally… because no matter how you slice it, affairs are never logical. Besides, it’s more than likely that unless your BFF is truly a pathetic, spineless mess she’ll come to her senses one day and miss you terribly. And when she does, you can help her pick up the pieces of her shattered and misguided heart, with just a whisper of “I told you so.” Just remember to never, ever, ever leave her alone with your boyfriend!

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

Keep her, dump her or verbally spank her into submission…which option would you choose? Has your BFF ever been of the cheating kind? If so, what advice do you have for Anti-Alliance Annie?

Caution, Relationship Ahead

“The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage…”

~ Cyril Connolly

Romantic relationships are never easy. Even the strongest of couples hit bumps in the road from time to time. But when two people get into a commitment for the wrong reasons they are most likely headed for a major mishap.

“Accidental” relationships happen to people everywhere, everyday, regardless of sex. What do I mean by “accidental?” Quite simply, these individuals become submerged in a commitment that one or both never intended on getting into in the first place…all because instead of holding out for Mr. /Ms. Right, they have ended up settling for Mr. /Ms. Right Now. Sound familiar? Let’s all explore some different scenarios that can lead to accidental relationships with an imaginary couple, Dick and Jane.

The White-Knight Relationship.

In this relationship one party trades what they need (such as financial support) for what the other party wants; a commitment.

In this scenario our Jane is in serious trouble. She cannot pay any of her utility bills and is about to lose power. (Pun intended? Perhaps…) Jane tells her co-worker and good friend Dick all about her financial woes. Dick really likes Jane, (and he sees this as an opportunity to show her he could be more than just a friend), so Dick offers to pay her bill for her; and insists she can pay him back when she gets on her feet. Later that afternoon when they are leaving work Dick asks Jane out to dinner. Jane accepts. “It’s a date!” Dick says. A date wasn’t what Jane was thinking, but no harm in that, right? Jane goes on said date, drinks more that her share of the wine Dick purchases and when Dick kisses her goodnight that evening she kisses him back. The next night Dick offers dinner again, and Jane accepts again. Dick is so nice and so generous; and okay, it’s true that she isn’t attracted to him, but that can grow, right? A month goes by, and now Dick is introducing Jane as his girlfriend, she is about to meet the parents and he is talking about taking it to the next “level”. Jane can no longer deny it; she has slipped into the girlfriend role. Accidental relationship type number one: savior becomes suitor. Escaping would mean breaking her good friend and rescuers heart; (and she really can’t pay him back right now anyway). Easier to let this relationship happen, perhaps he will love enough for the both of them.

The Date-Night Relationship.

This is a relationship of pure convenience on one side, and (sadly) true romantic feelings on the other.

In this setting, Dick is seeing a couple girls, but nothing serious. Girls that he calls when he wants to see the new romantic comedy that he wouldn’t dare tell his guy friends he wants to see or if he needs a plus one for his cousin’s wedding. He calls on Jane for these occasions more and more; they have similar tastes in movies, and she really gets along with his family and friends, and of course the sex is good too. Jane is a great female friend…plus. But Jane is starting to be increasingly affectionate. She is calling him quite often between dates. Then one night she comes over and offers to cook instead of ordering the usual take-out. She’s brought a movie; it’s (uh oh) a romantic one. She snuggles up to him on the couch, where they end up falling asleep. In the morning Dick opens his eyes to see Jane staring at him with a strange smile upon her face. “I love you,” Jane murmurs. “I love you too,” Dick mumbles back without thinking. Voila! Dick has trapped himself in accidental relationship number two. He begrudgingly accepts this unintended commitment rather than dealing with the mess of breaking Jane’s heart. What started out as a pseudo relationship has become a real one. Dick will put off breaking Jane’s heart…for now.

The Bad-Habit Relationship (AKA The Crutch).

The fear of being alone is strong in some people. They learn to use others to insulate themselves…from the one person they least want to face, themselves.

In this situation, Jane and Dick meet at the book store. Jane has just ended a relationship and isn’t quite over it yet and Dick isn’t in a relationship because he just doesn’t really have time for (or want to make time for) one. They both know that neither of them is in the proper place in their lives for a commitment to another person. Yet they find themselves very attracted to each other in an oddly comfortable, broken in sneaker kind of way. Very quickly they start to spend all their spare time together. It’s never very exciting or romantic. Most of the time Dick is ignoring Jane while he works or studies while Jane sits on the couch watching TV and talking about her ex-boyfriend. They aren’t in a relationship because they like each other, they just like the idea of another person in the room to hear them breathing. This is ugliest of accidental relationships, and it can be the most dangerous because you are bonded together by mutual fear. Dick and Jane stay in the unhealthy bad-habit relationships for a long period of time, unhappy and miserable but afraid to make a change.

Relationships are supposed to be about love and trust and mutual caring. They are not supposed to be about convenience or fear of being alone in a movie theater, or worse, in your own home. These accidental relationships are not just a waste of your time but they can be damaging, especially if the other party is not aware that you are in it for the wrong reasons or worse, they are under the impression you are as invested in the relationship as they are.

We are not here indefinitely. Staying with Mr. or Ms. Right Now will in fact keep you from meeting people that might actually be a better fit. So if you find yourself in an accidental relationship, be it the “white-knight,” the “date-night” the “bad-habit;” (or any other in a long list of dire intimate dealings) do yourself and your contingency partner a favor and get off at the next exit.

Otherwise you might just crash into something a lot more dangerous, like an accidental baby… with that accidental partner…which could become an accidental marriage… and, well, you get my point.

For those of you that were looking forward to love-fucked part three, our most sincere apologies…my writing partner’s computer died on him and he is still in the process of rectifying the situation. So I hope you enjoyed this oldie but goodie from me…

Now! Weigh in! Have you ever gotten yourself into an accidental relationship? How did it happen? How did you get out of it? Or did you??

Getting him to enjoy arts and crafts week at panty camp

Dear Eve,

My boyfriend of three years absolutely refuses to have sex with me when I am having my period, or should I say he refuses to enter through the front door. Instead, he insists that during that time of the month we switch to anal. I really don’t understand it, he almost seems afraid of my period. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he practically runs from the room when I mention the subject. And before you think I am weird for even caring, we have recently started talking about marriage…but I am really finding myself hung up on this issue! It seems so childish and immature of him, I mean it’s natural! And besides, it is my horniest time of the month! I really don’t want to subject myself to a lifetime of nothing but buttsex during my horniest week of every month!

Thanks,

Blood-lust

Dear Blood-bust,

So…your man fears the red tide. He doesn’t want to hang around when Aunt Flo comes to town. He doesn’t like to saddle old rusty. He doesn’t enjoy arts and crafts at panty camp. He’s a-scared of vagina blood. What a pansy!

Sadly, many men are like this, so I wouldn’t be too quick to toss this particular one back. It’s not even his fault really, society has trained men to fear all things labeled “women troubles.” It’s a survival tactic, passed down from generation to generation. Though it is true that some women find that rare evolved man who doesn’t get squirrelly at the sight of a little VB, those men seem to be an exception, not a rule.

The trouble is, you’re right…this can be a time of great sex in the monthly cycle. Our hormones are raging; this makes us not only crave sex in a big way, but also puts us in a better position to achieve exceptional orgasms. And sex helps cramps, you selfish bastards!

So first ask your man this: Would he rather risk his precious penis getting some e-coli jammed in the pipe? The blood is not going to hurt him…having poop particles up his urethra however, that CAN hurt big time. I would tell you to ask a guy I know about that but I doubt he would want to be identified here today. So lets move on…to you.

Yes, you…you aren’t innocent either, Ms. Bloody Mary! If this is such a tremendous and rule breaking issue for you, why did you wait THREE years to deal with it? You have CONDITIONED him to his monthly butt-sex week and now you want to make issue of it? Foolish girl. It’s alright though; you have come to your senses and are ready to stand up for yourself…better late than never. So let’s talk about the best way to have period sex with a squeamish fellow:

We all know that sex during the great flood can be a tad messy. But it’s really not that difficult to get around that. Use your human ingenuity, people. A couple of old towels can help you deal with most of that mess. Lay one beneath you, and keep one nearby, to help Mr. Red Scare there clean the peen. Dim the lights too. These simple steps really should eliminate most of his physical issues. And I can’t really deal with the psychological stuff here; I’m just a girl with a website. Anyhow, if he reads the steps above and is still freaked, try sex in the shower. Tell him to keep his eyes off the drain and on you so he won’t have to see any of that icky girl matter. Freakin’ wimp.

Worse case scenario, just masturbate. A lot. The whole week. In the shower, in bed, wherever and whenever you can. Let him see how excitable you are during this time…it might help. Certainly couldn’t hurt.

And really, don’t wait for years to talk about relationships issues, sexual or otherwise. You have put up with this unpleasant monthly problem approximately 36 times already in your relationship…no wonder you are seeing red!

So talk it out with him, and god as my witness, Miss Scarlett will return to Tara but you will not go unsatisfied again!

Because like I said…worse case scenario…let your fingers do the walking…fiddle dee dee…a girls gotta do…

Love and kisses,

Eve

« Previous Page — Next Page »