Getting him to enjoy arts and crafts week at panty camp

Dear Eve,

My boyfriend of three years absolutely refuses to have sex with me when I am having my period, or should I say he refuses to enter through the front door. Instead, he insists that during that time of the month we switch to anal. I really don’t understand it, he almost seems afraid of my period. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he practically runs from the room when I mention the subject. And before you think I am weird for even caring, we have recently started talking about marriage…but I am really finding myself hung up on this issue! It seems so childish and immature of him, I mean it’s natural! And besides, it is my horniest time of the month! I really don’t want to subject myself to a lifetime of nothing but buttsex during my horniest week of every month!

Thanks,

Blood-lust

Dear Blood-bust,

So…your man fears the red tide. He doesn’t want to hang around when Aunt Flo comes to town. He doesn’t like to saddle old rusty. He doesn’t enjoy arts and crafts at panty camp. He’s a-scared of vagina blood. What a pansy!

Sadly, many men are like this, so I wouldn’t be too quick to toss this particular one back. It’s not even his fault really, society has trained men to fear all things labeled “women troubles.” It’s a survival tactic, passed down from generation to generation. Though it is true that some women find that rare evolved man who doesn’t get squirrelly at the sight of a little VB, those men seem to be an exception, not a rule.

The trouble is, you’re right…this can be a time of great sex in the monthly cycle. Our hormones are raging; this makes us not only crave sex in a big way, but also puts us in a better position to achieve exceptional orgasms. And sex helps cramps, you selfish bastards!

So first ask your man this: Would he rather risk his precious penis getting some e-coli jammed in the pipe? The blood is not going to hurt him…having poop particles up his urethra however, that CAN hurt big time. I would tell you to ask a guy I know about that but I doubt he would want to be identified here today. So lets move on…to you.

Yes, you…you aren’t innocent either, Ms. Bloody Mary! If this is such a tremendous and rule breaking issue for you, why did you wait THREE years to deal with it? You have CONDITIONED him to his monthly butt-sex week and now you want to make issue of it? Foolish girl. It’s alright though; you have come to your senses and are ready to stand up for yourself…better late than never. So let’s talk about the best way to have period sex with a squeamish fellow:

We all know that sex during the great flood can be a tad messy. But it’s really not that difficult to get around that. Use your human ingenuity, people. A couple of old towels can help you deal with most of that mess. Lay one beneath you, and keep one nearby, to help Mr. Red Scare there clean the peen. Dim the lights too. These simple steps really should eliminate most of his physical issues. And I can’t really deal with the psychological stuff here; I’m just a girl with a website. Anyhow, if he reads the steps above and is still freaked, try sex in the shower. Tell him to keep his eyes off the drain and on you so he won’t have to see any of that icky girl matter. Freakin’ wimp.

Worse case scenario, just masturbate. A lot. The whole week. In the shower, in bed, wherever and whenever you can. Let him see how excitable you are during this time…it might help. Certainly couldn’t hurt.

And really, don’t wait for years to talk about relationships issues, sexual or otherwise. You have put up with this unpleasant monthly problem approximately 36 times already in your relationship…no wonder you are seeing red!

So talk it out with him, and god as my witness, Miss Scarlett will return to Tara but you will not go unsatisfied again!

Because like I said…worse case scenario…let your fingers do the walking…fiddle dee dee…a girls gotta do…

Love and kisses,

Eve

The midlife crisis of a flannel man-handler

Dear Eve,

I am a bisexual man who has been with the same woman for fourteen years now. Recently, I have been wanting to be with a man again. I don’t want to cheat on my wife, but the urges have gotten to the point I don’t know what to do. Help me please!

Pining for Penis

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