The Overprotective Single Mommy
August 15, 2008
Parenting magazines can be positive resources. Divorced five years, I have yet to find a helpful article on when to introduce kids to a potential romantic interest. Perhaps there is a “Leave it to Beaver” or “Cosby” complex. It seems articles in leading parenting magazines focus on married couples raising their kids in idyllic families. Perfect pictures, perfect ideas and perfect solutions.
I have news, folks. Parenting is never perfect. Children are never perfect. Mine, well, they are amazing. But, they are far from perfect. Shhhh…don’t tell them, it would break their little hearts! Just kidding. They know they are not perfect. They know I am not perfect. They do, however, feel perfectly loved. It was no great surprise to me that after their daddy got engaged two years ago, they became more vocal about wanting someone else to love me, too.
Even with the best co-parenting situation possible, divorce brings a litany of issues to single parents. When their father left me, my son was 2 1/2 and my daughter was on the verge of her first birthday. The list of challenges was greater than the echo of screaming guests on The Jerry Springer Show. For me, one of the biggest questions was if and when I would introduce other men to my children. My immediate and emotional response was that no one needed to meet my children for “X” period of time. I was going to protect my babies, dammit! I had 873 excellent reasons to not let any man meet my children, in particular. I was the poster child of The Overprotective Single Mommy. Worse, I was expressing prejudice between men and women.
I was wrong. Oh, boy, was I wrong! (Go ahead, write the date down!)
Quickly, sanity returned and forced me to realize my own hypocrisy. If someone was good enough to spend time with me, they needed to be good enough to meet my kids. Male or female. I am the first to admit this helped me make wiser choices on the front end of many a friendship and relationship. While I have friends who are not particularly in love with the idea of kids, or have any of their own, almost all have met my children. Often, those are the relationships I most enjoy watching flourish.
Come on, people! Meeting someone’s children is not the equivalent of forming an insta-family. You don’t take a single parent, add kids, another single person and have a family. Spending time with someone’s children is not a life-long commitment. It is, however, an opportunity to learn more about your friend, more about their children or possibly, something FROM the children. It is hilarious to me that I can send a man packing faster than a hooker drops her panties on a Saturday night with a simple sentence. “Would you like to hang out with me and the kids?” Any man who sees a box of Insta-Family when he hears that question likely has much bigger issues.
It seems to me those men are getting way *cough* a-head of themselves!
Children do observe both the positive and the negative. If they never meet your friends, it seems to me they lose the best example of how to have a healthy friendship. If they don’t witness conflict, they don’t learn from experience how to resolve them. My kids have learned many valuable lessons from meeting those in my life, whether romantic interests or not.
They learn that people are different. They learn acceptance. They learn that people come and go. My initial fear was simple. “What if I introduce him to my kids and they miss him when we break up?” What? Talk about projection. Yes, that kind of thing happens all the time. But, what was I really afraid of? That my kids would learn that people come and go out of our lives? It has proven to be a positive lesson for them. For example, they have learned you don’t have to see your friends every single day for them to be your friends. They have learned it is okay to meet people and not necessarily like them. Ultimately, they have met many people and have only ever missed one or two.
In five years, my kiddos have only seen me romantically involved with three or four men. A peck on the cheek was the most they ever witnessed with one of those men. Only four times have they ever seen a man spend the night in our home, usually at their encouragement. Only twice have they ever known me to share my bed with man. Don’t get the wrong idea. They have never come into mommy’s room and seen naked people! In fact, both times I was wearing pajamas and the arrangement appeared innocuous. The added bonus for me is that I will never have to deal with my kids not knowing or liking someone I may choose to have a relationship with in the future.
My kiddos do not see a revolving door of men coming in and out of my life. What they know is a wide variety of wonderful men and women who happen to embrace all of us. It makes them more a “part of” instead of “apart from” another side to their mom. They have learned the abundant joy of true friends and are grateful we share them.
How do you feel about it? Just once, I would love for someone to convince me of a few good reasons a man would not wish to meet a woman’s children, or why a woman should not introduce others to them. Any takers? If you are a single parent, what prevents you from introducing your offspring to others?
Talking About the Purple Pegasus in the Room
July 30, 2008
Dear Eve,
The Halloween costume catalog arrived several days ago, and of course my two young sons began to go through it the moment I brought it into the house. My youngest predictably chose something from the Star Wars page, but my oldest son surprised my wife and me when he chose “Sparkles, the Purple Pegasus” as his coveted costume. Eve, I want to believe I am a tolerant man, but I just don’t know what to do here! Can I send my 5 year old son off to Kindergarten as “Sparkles?” What will people think? Hell, I don’t even know what I think! Is my boy gay? I’m trying not to act freaked out but I am freaked out!
Thank you, Struggling to be Progressive
Infidelity Fallout
June 9, 2008
I suppose there was always a part of me that knew my (ex) husband was not the faithful kind. Okay, scratch that…99% of me was certain of that fact. After all, I did have a moment of panic as I stood with my father, preparing to take that long walk down that flower encrusted isle, when I said to him, “can I change my mind, daddy?” Thinking I was joking, he replied, “My deposit on this place is nonrefundable.” I laughed (so as not to cry) and we stepped out as the first notes of ‘In My Life’ began to play.
And just like that, I began one of the darker periods in mine.
Lessons Learned From Thing One and Thing Two
May 12, 2008
Some (of the many) things my children have taught me:
1. Unconditional love does exist outside of Hollywood movies. And its completely worth the hype.
2. They are ALWAYS listening and they will repeat what you say (i.e. mom wants a quiet vibrator for her birthday) to an inappropriate person (i.e. your father) at an inopportune time (i.e. the family 4th of July BBQ).
3. When you hear “oops” come from behind a closed bathroom door a mere second after the flush…it’s too late. Just get the plunger. And the mop.
Killer Instincts?
April 7, 2008
So this morning I sat and stared at a photograph on a website for ten minutes…trying to see if I could detect evil in a set of wild brown eyes.
This is Kiama Paez. She recently beat her infant son to the brink of death. Why? She needed him to stop crying, and he just wouldn’t.
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