Brownie Points

Relationships shouldn’t come with score cards but inevitably we either rack up brownie points or suffer the consequences of being kicked to the curb. Let’s be honest, chicks can be psycho and crazy just isn’t cute! (Unless of course your fantasies include a straight jacket and ball gag…but that’s an entirely different subject all together.) So how about we try and minimize the insanity factor, shall we? I’m talking to you, men!

We all know that men and women simply aren’t wired the same…Mars and Venus ring a bell? If you happen to be a card carrying member of the penis club there are a few things you ought to know about the *ahem* fairer sex, if you’d like to keep your relationship balance in the black.

Gentlemen, please do us a favor and keep in mind that we ladies live by a different set of rules that are governed by our hormones. Sorry, it’s not an excuse just a fact. And one that I’m sure you’re already aware of…unless you live in a cave. What you may not know however is how to navigate our fragile environments in such a way that will keep us swooning rather than devising our exit strategies.

Let us help you…it is after all our predisposed genetic tendency. Pay attention guys, because those little things you may be doing that you think are winning her over could very well be causing her to fantasize about smothering you in your sleep.

Here are a few helpful hints to keep your sweetheart confident in the decision that she’s made you her one and only…

Fix her stuff, not her troubles.
Although your gal may be perfectly capable of changing a light bulb or checking the oil in her car, those pesky tasks are not always high on her priority list. Taking the initiative to do those little things lets her know that you’re concerned with her safety and well-being.  Trying to solve her workplace woes on the other hand will more than likely be met with resistance…steer clear of that in which you cannot change!

Control your green eyed monster.
Women want to know that the man in her life finds her attractive and desirable, but that doesn’t mean she wants to break up a bar room brawl. Rather than threatening to kick some dudes ass for checking out your woman, just smile, nod and appreciate the fact that you’re the one she’s going home with…and going down on.

“Good Night, Sugar”
Although silence is often a virtue, women connect through communication. Taking the time to say “Good Night” is a simple and very effective way to ensure that she sleeps peacefully. Two seconds of effort will provide hours of joy…where else can you get a return on your investment like that?

Lost and Found
Don’t lose your lovely…she is after all your most prized possession. A quick wink from across a crowded  room tells her that you’re paying attention and ready to whisk her away at the slightest inkling that Aunt Betsy’s stories are starting to drone on.

Jekyll and Hyde
If you wouldn’t do it in front of her, don’t do it behind her back. Remember, the walls have eyes…and ears. If you misbehave, she will find out. So mind your P’s and Q’s and don’t do anything you wouldn’t want her doing. I really didn’t need to mention this, did I?

Pushing Buttons
Sure it was cute when you pulled our ponytails on the playground, but it’s time to grow up. Incessant teasing is adorable for about the first two minutes, after that we want to punch you right in the smacker! If you must “get a reaction” out of your lovah try inducing a smile/head tilt. You’ll enjoy the rewards much more than a black eye.

“Bitch!”
Name calling in the midst of an argument is disrespectful and never acceptable! If your sweetie has irritated you in ways that only your Mother can, take your frustrations out on her cooter not her eardrums. If you must mutter obscenities in the heat of the moment, do it between the sheets.

Believe it or not, those of us who own vajajas really are simple creatures; although we can make things more complicated than need be. We will over-analyze and interpret your every word and action; again, my apologies. Remember however, that it isn’t all that difficult to keep your lady enthralled and enthusiastic it just takes a wee bit of effort. So run, be free, and be kind to the one who greets your morning breath with a smile.

Oh, and p.s.
“Don’t be a dick!”

Okay girls, these were just a few of the many things men can do to make our hearts go pitter-patter. What are your relationship do’s and don’ts? Guys, do you have a secret weapon when it comes to making the woman in your life pleased to see your face? Or are you struggling to stay afloat in the dating pool?

Shut Your Mouth!

We’ve all suffered from a good case of foot-in-mouth on occasion…it happens and hopefully without irreversible damage. But what are we to do when those we’re surrounded by are unaware of their verbal blunders? At every turn yet another confidant is attempting to remove a size 24 Shaquille O’Neal sneaker from their trap while we sit on the sidelines and watch the catastrophe unfold. I don’t get it…is it a brain to mouth malfunction that needs repairing? And if so, exactly who do we call for this service?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ll be the first to admit that I have the ability to carry on a conversation with just about anyone or anything that’ll listen. I could yammer on and on to a tree for an hour and be just fine with it. Actually, once in a while I even prefer it. Nevertheless, there comes a time for each and every one of us when we should stop flapping our gums just for the sake of spewing saliva on the nearest unsuspecting passerby!

Somewhere in the midst of “change your ways or we’re not getting married,” (the last marriage - not the first) I discovered the goldmine that lies in the art of silence. I immediately coined it “The 24-Hour Rule” and it’s simple enough that a simian could do it. Pay attention and you can thank me later…

Next time you find yourself caught up in confusion, hurt, anger or just plain stupidity all you have to do is: SHUT. YOUR. MOUTH! Even better yet, shut-it for 24-hours. Stop the outbursts, name calling and irrational thought process long enough to call a time out. Imagine if you will, how trading your personal opinions, emotional baggage and propaganda for an insightful, intelligent and sane conversation is far more likely to suit everyone’s needs and actually garner a positive response. Not to mention the time and effort of banging your head against the proverbial wall is worth walking away long enough to gather your senses.

Thinking before we speak isn’t a novel concept, but certainly one that should hold credence. Our actions and reactions are often dictated by those we communicate with. When we forego rational for emotional we create a chain reaction. In the blink of an eye a snowball transforms into an avalanche, leaving a wave of destruction in its path that no search and rescue team can salvage.

If you aren’t certain if a woman is actually pregnant, for the love of gawd, don’t ask her when she’s due! When your beloved inadvertently makes a quip that cuts you to the core…don’t retaliate with a barrage of insults, but retreat and collect yourself instead. And lastly, don’t make a fool of yourself with a poor attempt at mimicking an accent…its just not good for foreign relations.

Be embarrassed for me…those examples up there were my slip-ups! What’re yours? Does your mouth have a mind of its own, or are you in control of your oral functions? Have you ever had a slip of the tongue that left you wishing for the power to be invisible, or do you battle it out till the bitter end? Misery loves company…share, won’t you?

A little tied up…

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.

~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

When you tell people that you enjoy being dominated in bed, you are usually opening yourself up for a bit of judgment. The world tends to have a negative view of submissives. They are often (incorrectly) viewed as weak, pathetic, victim-like, or damaged. So before I go any further, allow me to supply you with a proper definition:

Submissive(sub) - A person who willingly relinquishes control of themselves to a dominant.

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