Really Close, or F-ing Gross?!

There is nothing quite like finding your own personal “better half.” Whirlwind sagas and sex without strings may be the stuff of Harlequin novels, but for me, an over 30-er who knows better, romance is a dish best served drama free. Communication, comfort and openness are quite sexy and satisfying. And they also lead to ridiculously satisfying sex…

But I digress.

So anyhow, you get to that point, where things just feel so safe and cozy and right…where you think life just couldn’t get better…and then it happens.

You’re on the phone with the one you love the most, and they utter three little words that will change your life together forever:

“I just pooped.”

“Uhhh, good for you?”

“No, I mean JUST now. While you were on the phone.”

“…”

Yes folks, there is such a thing as too close for comfort. I have witnessed it. I have lived it. And I don’t want to see it happen to you. So I am going to provide you with a list of five things that might just be taking that “I love that I can just be myself with you!” feeling too damn far.

• Deuces gone wild: I shouldn’t even have to say it guys, really. I don’t even want to HEAR the sound, much less watch the straining; I just won’t look at you (or your o-face) the same way anymore. Oh, and FYI, I don’t really need a blow by blow of the action once you come out of the bathroom either. To put it in context, do you want us to start talking about our bloody vaginae? Would you like to watch us change our tampons? I didn’t think so. Which reminds me… if any of you women are engaging in this behavior, well…I think we need to do an ovary check.

• The scratch and sniff: While everyone appreciates their partner making sure everything checks out alright “down there” before asking for some below the belt action, we don’t actually want to see the hand/crotch/nose action taking place; it is slightly off-putting. Because honestly, no one wants to feel like they are living in the primate exhibit at the local zoo… I don’t even let my dog sniff butts in front of me! So please, do your partner a favor and step into the bathroom to take a whiff, you know, like you used to do during the dating days. Its much more romantic-al that way.

• Cross over behavior: Women, your men should not be seeing you pluck or wax your errant hairs. And guys, your ladies don’t want to see you giving yourself a facial and a “pedi.” Now I think we can all agree that while we appreciate our partner taking care of these items on the hygiene to do list, we do not wish to be an audience to said list in action. I don’t think I could look at my man the same after witnessing him do the buff and blow on his perfectly manicured hands…and I KNOW he could not handle watching me go digging for golden ingrowns on my mini-stache. There are some gender roles that our psyches would prefer to leave as unblemished as our man’s (secretly) exfoliated pores.

• Oral Expectorations: Spiting, gargling, picking the teeth (and inspecting what you found, eww, people) and especially, ESPECIALLY tongue scraping. Okay, while I realize that most people may not engage in tongue scraping I had to include it for two reasons. One, all of you SHOULD be doing it, you cannot imaging the gunky nastiness your tongue is harboring, seriously. Which leads me to reason two for the mention; when all the gunky nastiness comes flying off said tongue, you want to be alone. I am 110% serious about this…blech.

• Going native: Sometimes we get sick, or hurt, or just feel really, really lazy. But that is no excuse for turning into the sloth that stole sanitation! I was sick last week, and the level of grossness I hit was so tremendous that I should be ashamed. ( I wasn’t, but I should have been.) Greasy, unkempt hair, old crusty sweats, unshaven, unwashed, unsanitary! But as I dug myself out of the used Kleenex den that my bed had become, I rejoiced in the fact that my boyfriend never saw any of it. I mean, I didn’t even want to look at MYSELF, thank god he didn’t have to. So please! Don’t subject your loved ones to levels of funk that high - showering, shaving, brushing of teeth, wearing of clean clothes - these are things that are NOT for the courtship phase alone.

I know what you are saying…he or she loves you enough to see you at your grossest. That may be true…but should they really HAVE to? While it may be difficult to find the time and space to do these things sans your significant other audience, it is most assuredly worth the effort. It’s hard enough to keep the romance alive…so don’t go plucking it out or flushing it down the toilet, okay gang?

This has been a public service announcement.

And now its time for group therapy! Have you been guilty of any of the above crimes against the laws of attraction? Or have you had some of these crimes committed against you? Or perhaps you would like to share on I left off the list with the group? Go on, get it off your chest, you’re in a safe place…

Oh, and would you like to see more 5 spots, in blog form? Those of you who watched the show understand and those of you that didn’t…suck! Hahahahaha….ehm.

Dirty Thoughts

I am going to need someone to find the rule book for me. I know it exists out there somewhere. It is probably a large book. Pages ripped out, stapled in, some white out, eraser marks, some things are in black permanent marker…

Once I get my hands on it I am going to spend an evening thumbing through the pages. It should be fun, curled up with a blanket and a nice warm cup of vodka. Refresh myself so to speak on the rules for men and women, couples in general.

There must still be rules. Rules that guide us on what we are and aren’t supposed to do, how things should be. Because if there aren’t any rules left then why do men and women have so many problems?? Together, apart, looking, disposing of, etc. You name it and we all have questions.

Since it would take around 14 years to go through them all, I just have one question from the book today.

When you are living with a companion, married, or whatever your arrangement may be,

Who cleans?

Stop rolling your eyes. Domestic issues are still issues. Once we get past, “What is he thinking about me??, Should I call her in 2 days or 4??, Is he just seeing me, or is he talking to that skank ex girlfriend of his? Does she think that I am ok in bed??”

When all of that dies down and you cohabitate, BLAMMO. More shit to deal with.

These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night. An ignorant man one told me, “If I had wanted to do Bitches work, I would have never gotten married” - Ex Husband This type of opinion is the exception to the rule, and of course if it is out there you know I would find it. But I am truly curious as to how this is divvied up for most “normal” couples.

In the 50’s it was pretty laid out. It was known that, for the most part, women stayed home took care of the house and the kids, the man worked. Easy peasy. But it was oppressive and one sided, hence why it has been obliterated.

But as women have evolved into the work force, muscling our way through to the top of anything and everything, the rules on household chores seems to have stayed the same. That’s like trying to text with a rotary phone. Not possible and makes no sense. I do think that men tend to do more in the last ten to twenty years, but not an equal amount. At least not most that I know.

So I appeal to you Eveette’s. Men and women alike. What is your arrangement? Is their an agreement, a list, a treaty? How does one deal with this? Is it fair to assume because women are sans penis that they should do the majority of the work? Because I am finding this is the case not just with one but with many… Should I WANT to do most of the work?? Was I born without a certain girly Swiffer strand on my DNA?

It has even been documented that this can be an issue for men as well. They do all the work at home while the women just don’t chip in. This is a new, oddly interesting, trend. But still quite unfair. If it isn’t equal then why is one working harder than the other?

My opinion is that house work should be shared. If both people work, then both should share the duties equally or some sort of equal arrangement. As logical as this conclusion may be I am yet to actually experience it.

What is YOUR arrangement? Is it working for you? Better question, is it working for you BOTH?

Playing Relationship Risk

They say you hurt the ones you love, and when it comes to fighting I’d say whoever “they” are, they got it right. All may be fair in love and war…but there just isn’t anything at all fair about how two people who love each other engage in battle. We become monstrous versions of ourselves…more malicious, more vicious, and more heartless.

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Reading Lips

Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley

We have done the dance all evening, clearly the attraction is mutual. I watch your lips move as you speak and wonder how they will feel against mine. The innocent touches we exchange are delightful and maddening all at once. Looking into your eyes across the table I see my desire mirrored back at me and I shudder with excitement. When at last the crucial moment arrives and we are alone at the bottom of my stairs, I gaze into your eyes and fear and anticipation mingle within me, almost causing me to lose my nerve. But I know I will not forgive myself easily if I let this moment pass, so I reach my hands up to your face, close my eyes and melt into the kiss I have been waiting for all night long. As it vibrates through my entire body, I am pleased with my decision.

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The Battle of Cupid

Welcome to “He said, She said”, where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:

Singles or couples, who reigns supreme on February 14th?

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