Mis(s) Matched, The Finale’

Two weeks, two men and two rather unpleasant dates later I’d managed to convince myself that the third time’s the charm. I was determined to scrutinize the next suitor through a rigorous screening process that would include but not be limited to: do you have all of your senses, teeth and a wallet?

Lo and behold, quicker than I could bat a false eyelash match.com had struck again and I found myself enraptured in conversation with a Tom Cruise look alike over a seaside Sunday brunch. (Don’t judge me, people!) Our meet and greet outlasted most and left me inquisitive and delighted by the possibilities of future excursions with this effervescent and charismatic creature. His captivating eyes lit up when he spoke and his perfect Colgate smile was mesmerizing. He was an entrepreneur who I would soon discover was also highly skilled in the arts of manipulation and destruction.

Entering into the third week of a whirlwind romance there were more red flags warnings than a drought-stricken forest on a windy mid-summer day. Being as how I was already on high alert thanks to match.com’s previous selections I had no choice but to call in for back-up and schedule an inner circle approval gathering. i.e.: Am I losing my mind, being overly critical or do my friends see what I see?

It was a Friday night and my tiny cottage was quickly brimming over with those I love and respect the most. We indulged in copious amounts of cocktails and laughs as we awaited the arrival of Prince Charming…who upon his unfashionably late arrival proceeded to dismantle the happy-go-lucky revelry in less than 2.5 minutes. I could see it on their faces and hear it in their voices…it was a unanimous decision…this would be our last date.

Stuck in a commitment that I would’ve done anything to get out of we made our way to the white party. I did my best to be cordial, but his aloof attitude and rude demeanor towards my friends was making it nearly impossible. Another quip out of his mouth and I had no choice but to tell him he should just go. Unfortunately, his over-indulgence in Jack and Coke…and coke was making him a force to be reckoned with. I knew better than to try and reason with a coked up alcoholic so I opted for avoidance and stayed on the dance floor with my girls to devise an escape plan.

Note to self: never turn your back on the enemy!

Shocked by the sudden look of horror on my gal-pals face, I turned to respond to a tap on my shoulder.

“You’re a cunt!”

Splash!

Yep, that’s right folks, my freeloading date sat at our VIP table, poured the collection of back-washed cocktails into one glass, stormed out onto the dance floor, shouted absurdities at me and then threw the concoction all over my new white party ensemble!

Oh wait, it gets better…

I was quickly whisked off the dance floor and hurled to our table by a very large bouncer who insisted on patting me dry. As appreciative as I was, I was actually more relieved that the psychotic lunatic had left the building! The word traveled fast and within minutes our entire group had reassembled at our table. Laughing hysterically at the ridiculousness of it all I just wanted to go back out and dance….I wasn’t going to let that loser ruin my night! The inner circle disagreed and decided to escort me back to the cottage.

The final lesson of the evening: do NOT announce where you keep your hide-a-key!

It was a well known fact amongst my inner circle that if someone decided to go home early they could use my hide-a-key. Being the dumb that I was, I made the mistake of reminding them where it was within earshot of the mad man.

Apparently, dousing me with a disgusting cocktail mixture wasn’t enough for my batshitcrazy date. However, leaving the club, going to the cottage, using my hide-a-key to let himself in and then robbing me did seem to satisfy his rage and discontent.

Match.com…it’s okay to look, just don’t touch!

So there you have it kids, the match.com summer trifecta that caused me to seriously consider lesbianism! Now, I’d like to know what are the greatest or most significant lessons you’ve learned in your dating career? Have you ever considered hanging up your hat, switching teams or begging the dating gods for mercy?  What about scary stalkers, dramatic attention whores and drug addicts in disguise…how do you deal with deal breakers?

Giving new meaning to “till death do us part?”

Dear Eve,

I am dating the sweetest, funniest, greatest guy in the world. I have seriously never been more into a guy. But there is a major problem in our relationship. He is married, and lives with his wife. It’s not what it sounds like, they aren’t together anymore, and she is dating too, and she knows about me. He says they haven’t separated or divorced for financial reasons. I have never been comfortable with it, but now that we have been together for six months and there is still no change in sight I am getting a little upset. It is hard for me to take it all seriously when he doesn’t seem to be putting getting away from the wife seriously! I try to talk to him and he says to be patient with him. Well, I think my patience is running out. I want to marry him, and he says he does me too…but can take it all seriously? What should I do? I hate this situation but I am afraid to lose him.

Sincerely,

Polly-anonymous

Dear Polly-non-polygamy,

Can you take talk of marriage from a guy who is still married and LIVING WITH THE WIFE seriously? That question is so ridiculous that I am going to pretend you didn’t ask it. Let’s move on to the rest of your issue.

If this guy is the “greatest guy in the world” I worry about the dating pool in your area. He may be sweet, and he may be funny, but you have been dating him for six months…six months in which he has still not moved out of the home he shares with a woman who is STILL his wife. Honey, unless this guy is jobless and broke (which brings on a different set of reasons why he might not be “the greatest”) there is no reason why they should not be at least legally separated…and living apart. He is either lazy or moving on is just not a top priority. Neither of these scenarios bode well for your future with him.

I don’t know the guy, so I cannot begin to try and accurately assess whether or not he is truly over his wife and ready to be in a serious relationship with you. But honestly, marriages aren’t usually something you get over in a rapid fashion. And I find it difficult to imagine that he is getting over it completely while still sharing the old marital home with the woman he took to be his lawfully wedded wife. Perhaps they are just friends helping each other out in a mutual financial bind. But here’s the thing, cookie. A new relationship is a challenge in the best of circumstances. Do you really want to start one with this massive of a handicap?

Look, you wrote here…so you have your doubts already. He keeps telling you to be patient but like you said, the fortitude well hath run dry. So if you wish, give him one more chance to do right by you and tell him you need a date set in which he can be moved out and separated from his wife. Tell him you to see him taking steps in that direction. Because otherwise you could be setting yourself up for an indefinite amount of time spent engaging in a threesome…and this kind of threesome just isn’t sexy or fun. Do you want to spend the next six months trying to have sex down the hall from the woman your boyfriend promised to love and cherish as long as they both shall live?

Bottom line? If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. This scenario might not bother some, but it does you. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself, and walk away if you need to. There are other sweet, funny great guys out there, ones with much less complicated living situations.

Love and kisses,

Eve

What do you all think? Should she stay and wait for the reluctant-to-divorce fella? Is he too good to let go, or should she be strong and move on? What is a reasonable amount of time to stay married and living together when your marriage is over? Should you seriously date (and drop marriage proposals?!) during that time?

Who gets to be on top?

I have touched on the subject sexual submission in a past piece, and I got a bit of grief for it. Okay, in actuality I got attacked. A certain special someone who shall remain anonymous (because frankly he doesn’t deserve your time or attention) actually told me that my interest in the subject was “sick and disturbing.” And this was coming from a man that enjoys sex with animals, but I digress…

So no, dominance and submission is not about degradation. It is not about finding pleasure in the infliction of brutality. Simply put, it is about one party letting go and giving up their power for pleasure. It’s about sharing, trust, openness and of course, unabashed sexuality.

So this got me to wondering about the general public’s view on the subject. Do most people see this as degrading? Immoral? Disturbing? And I realized that though I wrote about submission, I never really discussed the other side, dominance. And because I believe in balancing the equation and lets face it, I heart hate mail, here we are!

So firstly, what exactly does it mean to be the “dominant” in sexual terms? To put it in the simplest of terms a dominant is the partner who is given control in a consensual power exchange. The dominant is the party who sets the tone and controls all the activity. This partner has the duty of taking charge and maintaining it.

Many couples just naturally have a more dominant partner and more submissive one. The actual sexual practice known as D/s just takes this a step further. Sure, some mix in some other fantasies and fetishes with it, such as role playing, bondage, or even the oh-so taboo sadomasochism, but those really are add-ons.

So what is proper domination? It is a balancing act. He or she must be in tune with their submissive partner; paying attention to and feeding off of their sexual responses while still remaining actively in control. It is hard to give an accurate ‘how to’ when it comes to domination, for it is not only highly objective but it also has a lot to do with what both you and your partner’s preferences are. Sometimes it is about physical control, for others it is verbal. It can be about who decides the where, when’s and how’s, or it can involve more elaborate schemes. The only things that MUST be present are my three C’s:

1. Control
2. Communication
   
3. Caring

Keep these in mind and you and your partner should be just fine.

And now, for some comic relief to ease the (sexual) tension, here are several crucial characteristics of a talented and trustful dominant.

• You must be very self-aware. How are you going to get into the heart and soul of another if you do not know your own? You must know and be comfortable in your sexuality. And you must know your own limitation. If you aren’t comfortable having a girl at your feet crying “daddy, daddy, punish me!” best you know that ahead of time and make it clear to your partner.

• You must be able to retain self-control at all times. Oddly enough, if you aren’t maintaining control over self, you are going to fail miserably at maintaining control over another. You can also be quite dangerous if you cannot keep fantasy and reality straight within your own mind. A delusional whip-wielding man in my bed and me all tied up with nowhere to run? Me thinks not!

• You must have a sensual side. Pleasure is the point of all this. If everyone isn’t having a good time in the end, what’s the point? For example, a good spanking should be followed by a good rubdown. Because if you beat someone like a dog and then send them home without giving them a treat first chances are good you will not be seeing them again.

• You must study the craft. Any fool can pick up some rope and tell you they are into dominance and submission with bondage. But an excellent partner will educate themselves BEFORE they play. You should have knowledge of the various tools of whatever trade you are about to engage in, and also have some basic understanding of human anatomy if nothing else. Don’t learn that it is WRONG to flog someone in the kidney the hard way. Ouch…
  

• You must see your submissive partner as an equal. They are giving you a gift, that gift is power. Do not take that lightly. It does not mean that they do not have dignity and self-respect. Honor this person’s feelings and limitations at all times. And remember, when play time is over, you stand on even ground once more. No forcing your boyfriend to go to the store with you on a leash. Unless of course he likes that sort of thing.

Engaging in dominance and submission is not unlike engaging in any other sexual act with a consensual partner. Know when to push, and when to pull back. Do not get lost in your own fantasies and forget the living, breathing person lying/ kneeling/ strung up (ehm) before you. Be patient, get to know your partner, and strive to earn their trust, because that, more than the bondage ropes, is the tie that binds.

So what say you, friends and family o’ Eve? Should I feel bad about my love of being tossed around a bit in the bedroom? (Pssst…I totally don’t) How do you feel about dominance, submission, bondage, etc etc? How do you think it compares with bestiality? (Sorry, I had to ask…) And lastly, for those of you brave enough, I would love to know if you have a little of the old submissive or dominant in you! Share, please!

Across the Racial Divide

Dear Eve,

A few weeks ago while attending a fundraiser I met an incredible man; he’s articulate, successful, handsome and we share many of the same view points and passions. We’ve made plans to have dinner next week, and while I am looking forward to spending more time with him I have one major concern and that is, he’s black and I’m white. My family is very conservative and I’m afraid of the fallout if they were to find out that I was dating Interracially. I really am attracted to this man, but I don’t know what to do.

Eve, should I cancel dinner and forget about him or risk losing my family?

Sincerely,
Anglo in Angst

Dear Ivory,

It’s safe to assume we know who your family will be voting for come November, eh? I suppose equal rights for gays and lesbians are out of the question also, aren’t they?  My sincerest condolences, muffin!

Now, as for your dilemma…you’re a big girl, attending fundraisers, hobnobbing with do-gooders and whatnot, so where is this lack of self-assurance coming from? If you can mingle with power players you should most certainly have the skills to finesse your elders. Granted, it’s a sad fact that racism still exists in this day and age, but if you believe its wrong then why on earth would you succumb to archaic belief systems? Are you truly fearful of being ostracized and losing your trust fund? Or, are you fighting the idiocy that has been deeply ingrained in your subconscious?

Listen, Sweat Pea, before you go and pull the trigger on your Daddy’s shotgun, take a deep breath and relax for a moment. Who’s to say that your impending filet mignon and merlot candlelit supper with Mr. Wonderful will proceed any further than dessert? Be patient…take some time to get to know him before alerting your gene pool to head for the bunker. Meanwhile, if you find that you fancy your potential new love interest, drop his name in conversation, talk about him…who he is, what he does, why you like him. Let your rigid minded loved ones learn to like him sans race, color or creed. With any luck, they’ll go color blind and you’ll have worried your pretty little head all for nothing.

I won’t for a moment negate the fact that you have an uphill battle ahead of you if you decide to traverse the Interracial dating trail. However, there is absolutely no reason that you should forgo your own happiness simply because others don’t agree. Bear in mind that you will face challenges that will appall you, but if he’s the one you can’t let a little melanin stand in your way!

KISS-KISS
LOVE-LOVE,
Eve

Have you ventured across the great racial divide? If not, would your family’s beliefs prevent you from doing so? Do you think Anglo in Angst should throw caution to the wind or retreat and not look back?

Dick Speaks

We are going to try something new around these parts today, kids! Are you excited? Well, you should be. This shall be the very first addition of something we are going to call “The Minute Man.” Basically we have decided to let the men speak, because, well, we can all acknowledge that it was getting a little estrogen-y around here.  So without further ado, I shall give the man the floor…

Today he will speak on whether you need to win over a woman’s friends in order to win her heart.

First of all, I want to thank my hosts here at Eve-101 for letting my penis floppin’ male self give you some testosterone-laced opinions mixed in with oodles of foul-mouthed diatribes usually reserved for Sailor “wanna-hump-hump bars” in Panama. Or The View. Take your pick.

And the fact that I just used the term “oodles” alone qualifies me as a writer on here, because that reeks of Estrogen and, hey, I’m comfortable in my own sexuality so I can admit that I might have a slight womanly side, like, say 1%. Whatever.

Now, I was asked to give some male perspective on the field of dating. There are lots of things that I can give you from the male perspective, and dating just happens to be number 94 on the list. So, you are in luck. I have a lot of chick friends that love to discuss their problems with me, like I am a goddamned relationship therapist who loves to listen to insipid shit ad nauseum.

Anywho.

The question in play here is simple: “Does a guy have to win over a woman’s friends in order to win at love?”

My answer: “What is love?” (And I don’t mean that 1993 Haddaway song that was the entire plot from the movie A Night At The Roxbury either.) I kid…I kid.

Seriously. In my opinion, not at all. Is it a good idea to get in the good graces of a woman’s friends? Sure. Is it absolutely necessary to have them in your favor to complete the sale? Nope.

We’ve all seen it time and again, ladies. That one friend of yours that is dating a total asshat with a tricked out ‘87 Escort and a penchant for douchebaggery (see: hat worn sideways, MySpace profile picture of himself in a mirror showing off his abs, etc.) Your friends cannot stand this dude, and with good reason. He is a dick. We all see it. Your friend does not. Yet she still continues to date him. Why? Because, when it comes to her heart and feelings, your opinion doesn’t mean diddly-poo. If anything, (especially amongst the scientific fact that 98.2% of a woman’s friends are actually nothing more than vicious, backstabbing pieces of used tampon matter), your disapproval of said doorknob is a signal in the eyes of your friend that you are jealous of the relationship and want a piece of that tiny crank and weak wallet. SHE is in love and SHE can change him. Stay the fuck out of it, bitch! *snap*

The 2% of her real friends may have an opinion, may even say “get out”, but will defer to the judgment of their friends to make the right call.

Us guys know this fact, and we therefore know that the only thing that matters in winning the heart of a woman is them. Doting on them. Loving on them. Trying to fuck…them. There is no need to worry about her friends, because in the end, her opinion only counts for useless shit above.

There you go, people. True pearls given to you in the form of an interweb Pearl Necklace, by a guy that has only been tolerated by a handful of women in his lifetime. Which goes to show you, I don’t really know dick.

But, I have one. And that means you already know I don’t know anything, right ladies?

Want to track Minute Man Matt down? You can find him HERE.

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