Kinda always knew she’d end up your ex-friend with benefits

Dear Eve,

I hooked up with this chick at work a few times, and it was completely a friends with benefits type thing. Now she is calling me 24/7, showing up everywhere she knows I hang out, and telling everyone we’re together. She is like a walking girlfriend trap. What do I do?

Signed, Avoiding the Trap

Dear Avoidance,

You seem to have gotten yourself involved with a perplexing breed of girl; the type who equate sex with love. She cannot help it, she is not evolved. She most likely believes it is her womanly duty to settle down and mate with you. You probably give great pheromone.

But wait…something tells me you are not so innocent yourself.  Were you honest and upfront from the very beginning with this little lass?  Did you tell her this was strictly a casual sex type thing? I bet you didn’t. I am willing to wager that you have you simply been hooking up with the wee miss without explaining the parameters of the affair. You either assumed she was down with stand alone sex because that is what you yourself wanted, or you just didn’t care. Tsk, tsk.

Look, I know it’s difficult to imagine, but some people still believe in that old fashioned relationship stuff. If you weren’t clear on the fact that you were just in this for sexual gratification, she may be thinking she’s going to win you over eventually.  And if you are hanging out with her, going places with her, etc, you are only further complicating the situation.  That’s just rude.

You two just aren’t in it for the same reasons. Therefore, to continue down the road with her at this point would be leading her on or worse, using her at the expense of her feelings.  Besides, it is also going to end up costing you…this is a co-worker! Do you want to set yourself up for chaos and drama in the workplace? I think even Abercrombie or Starbucks or wherever the hell your picking up your condom money is going to frown upon that kind of nonsense.  And most likely she IS going to grow more and more needy and attached as time goes on. The world does not need another rabbit boiler…you need to nip this.

If you are into casual dating and casual sex, more power to you. I am certainly not condemning you for that. But you and I both know that this girl is not. I don’t care how good the sex is, end it and go find yourself an easier going “friend”, one that you EXPLAIN the parameters to pre-sex! Do it now,  before this one burns you in effigy on your front lawn.

Love and Kisses,

Eve

When a friends with benefits scenario is one-sided, who is to blame?  Should he have explained?  Should she have not assumed?  Or is the guilty even shared, socialist style?  Have any of you been in a similar scenario?  How did you handle it?

The Starving Pick-Up Artists

So…anybody get lucky this weekend?   We know you’ve been putting yourself out there.  On the town, in the scene making your presence known.  You are, at the very least getting your money’s worth out of that ‘club’ shirt, right?  If not then you should have saved yourself a weekend of rejection, and headed out to Los Angeles for the 2008 Love Systems Super Conference!  That’s if you’re a man with deep pockets and a shallow dating pool.

On October 17-19, Los Angeles became center stage as the top Dating Masters from around the world led unlucky and unsatisfied men into the light.  Two days of in-field training on topics including Body Language, Vocal Projection, Call Back Humor and Physical Escalation - Touching Gets Results.  All designed to guide them through the valuable techniques that their laughable attempt at ‘Game’ has been missing.

A Seduction Training Event!  Come one, come all, if you haven’t been cumming enough lately.  This is, in fact the culture of the new day Pick-Up Artist.  No longer are men leaving their homes with just a fresh pair of underwear, condoms and a wingman.  Love Systems has turned this into an entire Dating Science, and we have this man to thank for it.

That, my masturbating to a catalog friends, is Mystery.  If he looks familiar, you’re either part of the Seduction Underground, or you’ve gotten a glimpse of his handy work on the VH1 reality series ‘The Pick-Up Artist’.  Mystery takes a small group of social misfits and introverts, and puts them through a boot camp to teach them the art of putting ‘beautiful women under your spell’.  Yes, you read that right.  That’s if you were able to take your eyes off his spell binding hat.

Mystery, born Erik James Horvac-Markovic (why’d he change his name, you think?) has gone from a Dungeons & Dragons playing Toronto youth, to being described as the ‘World’s Greatest Pick-Up Artist’.  Author of the book The Mystery Method: How To Get Beautiful Women Into Bed, he has crafted an entire industry complete with a swarm of followers and loyal fans.  His words and advice aren’t just strategies, they’re considered modern day dating gospel by those in awe of his abilities.

According to his website, The Mystery Method claims to be ‘the notorious step-by-step system to meet, attract, and seduce or date beautiful women that anyone can learn and that GUARANTEES results.’  You see, it’s based upon ‘female psychology’ so it doesn’t matter if you have looks or money.  You do, however need money to attend his Conference.

Seriously, what’s a little one time fee for guaranteed beautiful women the rest of your life?  If you guessed $950 you’d be both correct, and totally missing out.  That’s just your BASIC Silver Event Package.  You want to go Gold and meet some of the instructors privately then $950 will cover your deposit, but you have to cough up a total of $3750.  Gulp. Is the idea to turn you into a Starving Pick-Up Artist?

Platinum is really the right move here.  You get an all access event ticket, meet the instructors AND after you have learned all about what makes us gals tick; you get to go to a party at the Playboy Mansion!  You know…’cause you’ll have mad skills after 2 days and Miss October is just dying to meet and mount the new you.

Now, I realize I have never tried to pick up a woman before, so I haven’t had to struggle with that form of our complex ‘booga booga’ psychology.  Certainly there is something to be said for becoming more personally aware and adept at managing social situations.  But am I the only one that thinks that shelling out thousands of dollars to the ‘World’s Greatest Pick-Up Artist’ is the proper fix?  I should also mention I am not a 31 year old male virgin.  My view might be slightly askew.

Maybe it all makes sense and I’m looking at it the wrong way.  I actually spoke with someone who both supports and admires these instructors for what they provide.  (Instructors by the way that have handles like Savoy, Braddock, Moxie, Sheriff, Tenmagnet and Soul…is Sarah Palin naming these cats?)  It’s a service, he said, just like any other self help-tool.

Or maybe, and here’s a crazy idea:  Spending the weekend trying to reinvent a version of yourself to pick up women in a bar, isn’t going to work as well as working on the real you.  You know…the one who still has to be interesting after we invited you to sit at our tables?  I know how to get my leg over my head.  Two days in L.A. doesn’t mean you’ve figured out how to get my leg over yours.

Alright!  This whole Pick-Up Artists Underground really threw me for a loop!  What say you Ladies and Gents?  Do you see it for it’s positive self help capabilities…or is it just a sexed up version of Tony Robbins?  Would you spend that much cash to get the girls?  Confidence booster, life changing experience or just another gimmick from a man in a funny hat?  I of course expect all of you ladies to share your encounters with a Pick Up Artist!

Really Close, or F-ing Gross?!

There is nothing quite like finding your own personal “better half.” Whirlwind sagas and sex without strings may be the stuff of Harlequin novels, but for me, an over 30-er who knows better, romance is a dish best served drama free. Communication, comfort and openness are quite sexy and satisfying. And they also lead to ridiculously satisfying sex…

But I digress.

So anyhow, you get to that point, where things just feel so safe and cozy and right…where you think life just couldn’t get better…and then it happens.

You’re on the phone with the one you love the most, and they utter three little words that will change your life together forever:

“I just pooped.”

“Uhhh, good for you?”

“No, I mean JUST now. While you were on the phone.”

“…”

Yes folks, there is such a thing as too close for comfort. I have witnessed it. I have lived it. And I don’t want to see it happen to you. So I am going to provide you with a list of five things that might just be taking that “I love that I can just be myself with you!” feeling too damn far.

• Deuces gone wild: I shouldn’t even have to say it guys, really. I don’t even want to HEAR the sound, much less watch the straining; I just won’t look at you (or your o-face) the same way anymore. Oh, and FYI, I don’t really need a blow by blow of the action once you come out of the bathroom either. To put it in context, do you want us to start talking about our bloody vaginae? Would you like to watch us change our tampons? I didn’t think so. Which reminds me… if any of you women are engaging in this behavior, well…I think we need to do an ovary check.

• The scratch and sniff: While everyone appreciates their partner making sure everything checks out alright “down there” before asking for some below the belt action, we don’t actually want to see the hand/crotch/nose action taking place; it is slightly off-putting. Because honestly, no one wants to feel like they are living in the primate exhibit at the local zoo… I don’t even let my dog sniff butts in front of me! So please, do your partner a favor and step into the bathroom to take a whiff, you know, like you used to do during the dating days. Its much more romantic-al that way.

• Cross over behavior: Women, your men should not be seeing you pluck or wax your errant hairs. And guys, your ladies don’t want to see you giving yourself a facial and a “pedi.” Now I think we can all agree that while we appreciate our partner taking care of these items on the hygiene to do list, we do not wish to be an audience to said list in action. I don’t think I could look at my man the same after witnessing him do the buff and blow on his perfectly manicured hands…and I KNOW he could not handle watching me go digging for golden ingrowns on my mini-stache. There are some gender roles that our psyches would prefer to leave as unblemished as our man’s (secretly) exfoliated pores.

• Oral Expectorations: Spiting, gargling, picking the teeth (and inspecting what you found, eww, people) and especially, ESPECIALLY tongue scraping. Okay, while I realize that most people may not engage in tongue scraping I had to include it for two reasons. One, all of you SHOULD be doing it, you cannot imaging the gunky nastiness your tongue is harboring, seriously. Which leads me to reason two for the mention; when all the gunky nastiness comes flying off said tongue, you want to be alone. I am 110% serious about this…blech.

• Going native: Sometimes we get sick, or hurt, or just feel really, really lazy. But that is no excuse for turning into the sloth that stole sanitation! I was sick last week, and the level of grossness I hit was so tremendous that I should be ashamed. ( I wasn’t, but I should have been.) Greasy, unkempt hair, old crusty sweats, unshaven, unwashed, unsanitary! But as I dug myself out of the used Kleenex den that my bed had become, I rejoiced in the fact that my boyfriend never saw any of it. I mean, I didn’t even want to look at MYSELF, thank god he didn’t have to. So please! Don’t subject your loved ones to levels of funk that high - showering, shaving, brushing of teeth, wearing of clean clothes - these are things that are NOT for the courtship phase alone.

I know what you are saying…he or she loves you enough to see you at your grossest. That may be true…but should they really HAVE to? While it may be difficult to find the time and space to do these things sans your significant other audience, it is most assuredly worth the effort. It’s hard enough to keep the romance alive…so don’t go plucking it out or flushing it down the toilet, okay gang?

This has been a public service announcement.

And now its time for group therapy! Have you been guilty of any of the above crimes against the laws of attraction? Or have you had some of these crimes committed against you? Or perhaps you would like to share on I left off the list with the group? Go on, get it off your chest, you’re in a safe place…

Oh, and would you like to see more 5 spots, in blog form? Those of you who watched the show understand and those of you that didn’t…suck! Hahahahaha….ehm.

Mis(s) Matched, The Finale’

Two weeks, two men and two rather unpleasant dates later I’d managed to convince myself that the third time’s the charm. I was determined to scrutinize the next suitor through a rigorous screening process that would include but not be limited to: do you have all of your senses, teeth and a wallet?

Lo and behold, quicker than I could bat a false eyelash match.com had struck again and I found myself enraptured in conversation with a Tom Cruise look alike over a seaside Sunday brunch. (Don’t judge me, people!) Our meet and greet outlasted most and left me inquisitive and delighted by the possibilities of future excursions with this effervescent and charismatic creature. His captivating eyes lit up when he spoke and his perfect Colgate smile was mesmerizing. He was an entrepreneur who I would soon discover was also highly skilled in the arts of manipulation and destruction.

Entering into the third week of a whirlwind romance there were more red flags warnings than a drought-stricken forest on a windy mid-summer day. Being as how I was already on high alert thanks to match.com’s previous selections I had no choice but to call in for back-up and schedule an inner circle approval gathering. i.e.: Am I losing my mind, being overly critical or do my friends see what I see?

It was a Friday night and my tiny cottage was quickly brimming over with those I love and respect the most. We indulged in copious amounts of cocktails and laughs as we awaited the arrival of Prince Charming…who upon his unfashionably late arrival proceeded to dismantle the happy-go-lucky revelry in less than 2.5 minutes. I could see it on their faces and hear it in their voices…it was a unanimous decision…this would be our last date.

Stuck in a commitment that I would’ve done anything to get out of we made our way to the white party. I did my best to be cordial, but his aloof attitude and rude demeanor towards my friends was making it nearly impossible. Another quip out of his mouth and I had no choice but to tell him he should just go. Unfortunately, his over-indulgence in Jack and Coke…and coke was making him a force to be reckoned with. I knew better than to try and reason with a coked up alcoholic so I opted for avoidance and stayed on the dance floor with my girls to devise an escape plan.

Note to self: never turn your back on the enemy!

Shocked by the sudden look of horror on my gal-pals face, I turned to respond to a tap on my shoulder.

“You’re a cunt!”

Splash!

Yep, that’s right folks, my freeloading date sat at our VIP table, poured the collection of back-washed cocktails into one glass, stormed out onto the dance floor, shouted absurdities at me and then threw the concoction all over my new white party ensemble!

Oh wait, it gets better…

I was quickly whisked off the dance floor and hurled to our table by a very large bouncer who insisted on patting me dry. As appreciative as I was, I was actually more relieved that the psychotic lunatic had left the building! The word traveled fast and within minutes our entire group had reassembled at our table. Laughing hysterically at the ridiculousness of it all I just wanted to go back out and dance….I wasn’t going to let that loser ruin my night! The inner circle disagreed and decided to escort me back to the cottage.

The final lesson of the evening: do NOT announce where you keep your hide-a-key!

It was a well known fact amongst my inner circle that if someone decided to go home early they could use my hide-a-key. Being the dumb that I was, I made the mistake of reminding them where it was within earshot of the mad man.

Apparently, dousing me with a disgusting cocktail mixture wasn’t enough for my batshitcrazy date. However, leaving the club, going to the cottage, using my hide-a-key to let himself in and then robbing me did seem to satisfy his rage and discontent.

Match.com…it’s okay to look, just don’t touch!

So there you have it kids, the match.com summer trifecta that caused me to seriously consider lesbianism! Now, I’d like to know what are the greatest or most significant lessons you’ve learned in your dating career? Have you ever considered hanging up your hat, switching teams or begging the dating gods for mercy?  What about scary stalkers, dramatic attention whores and drug addicts in disguise…how do you deal with deal breakers?

Giving new meaning to “till death do us part?”

Dear Eve,

I am dating the sweetest, funniest, greatest guy in the world. I have seriously never been more into a guy. But there is a major problem in our relationship. He is married, and lives with his wife. It’s not what it sounds like, they aren’t together anymore, and she is dating too, and she knows about me. He says they haven’t separated or divorced for financial reasons. I have never been comfortable with it, but now that we have been together for six months and there is still no change in sight I am getting a little upset. It is hard for me to take it all seriously when he doesn’t seem to be putting getting away from the wife seriously! I try to talk to him and he says to be patient with him. Well, I think my patience is running out. I want to marry him, and he says he does me too…but can take it all seriously? What should I do? I hate this situation but I am afraid to lose him.

Sincerely,

Polly-anonymous

Dear Polly-non-polygamy,

Can you take talk of marriage from a guy who is still married and LIVING WITH THE WIFE seriously? That question is so ridiculous that I am going to pretend you didn’t ask it. Let’s move on to the rest of your issue.

If this guy is the “greatest guy in the world” I worry about the dating pool in your area. He may be sweet, and he may be funny, but you have been dating him for six months…six months in which he has still not moved out of the home he shares with a woman who is STILL his wife. Honey, unless this guy is jobless and broke (which brings on a different set of reasons why he might not be “the greatest”) there is no reason why they should not be at least legally separated…and living apart. He is either lazy or moving on is just not a top priority. Neither of these scenarios bode well for your future with him.

I don’t know the guy, so I cannot begin to try and accurately assess whether or not he is truly over his wife and ready to be in a serious relationship with you. But honestly, marriages aren’t usually something you get over in a rapid fashion. And I find it difficult to imagine that he is getting over it completely while still sharing the old marital home with the woman he took to be his lawfully wedded wife. Perhaps they are just friends helping each other out in a mutual financial bind. But here’s the thing, cookie. A new relationship is a challenge in the best of circumstances. Do you really want to start one with this massive of a handicap?

Look, you wrote here…so you have your doubts already. He keeps telling you to be patient but like you said, the fortitude well hath run dry. So if you wish, give him one more chance to do right by you and tell him you need a date set in which he can be moved out and separated from his wife. Tell him you to see him taking steps in that direction. Because otherwise you could be setting yourself up for an indefinite amount of time spent engaging in a threesome…and this kind of threesome just isn’t sexy or fun. Do you want to spend the next six months trying to have sex down the hall from the woman your boyfriend promised to love and cherish as long as they both shall live?

Bottom line? If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. This scenario might not bother some, but it does you. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself, and walk away if you need to. There are other sweet, funny great guys out there, ones with much less complicated living situations.

Love and kisses,

Eve

What do you all think? Should she stay and wait for the reluctant-to-divorce fella? Is he too good to let go, or should she be strong and move on? What is a reasonable amount of time to stay married and living together when your marriage is over? Should you seriously date (and drop marriage proposals?!) during that time?

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