Dirty, Dirty Divorcee’

“I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed: and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying.”

Shattered dreams, broken promises, division of assets and custody battles…all the marks of a failed attempt at a sacred union summed up with one word… “Divorced.” Considering that over fifty percent of all marriages don’t last until death do us part I find it ironic that there appears to be such a negative stigma attached to what I perceive as a badge of honor. Perhaps my perception is skewed, but how can anyone negate the strength that one attains from surviving monumental heartbreak?

I’ve lived to tell the tale of my “Starter Marriage” (plus another) relatively unscathed. And anyone who has endured the tumultuous events caused by dissolution knows how daunting the aftermath can be. So why would others take issue with wearing the “D” label proudly?

Just recently I was not only asked, “why do you say that you’re divorced and not single?“   but I was also “commanded to change my status” on a popular social networking site by a fellow Eve staffer.  While I found Ms. Meghan’s request to be quite humorous, she obviously isn’t the only one who has made mention of my D-status lately. While harmless in their inquiries, I was left pondering…do others perceive me as some sort of spinster in waiting? I mean, I don’t even own a cat nevertheless a dozen, so why all the hoopla?

Yes, I am divorced, but like many who’ve traversed a similar path, I am also a strong, courageous woman who made some difficult decisions. Divorcee’s are not defined by a label or check mark. Divorce is not who we are, only what we’ve done…it is merely a blip on our lifelines. As with all life experiences, hopefully we learn from our lessons, never repeat them, and still maintain a glimmer of hope for the future.

So the next time you find yourself wondering why someone acknowledges their divorced status, don‘t judge them, but rather realize what they’ve overcome. Know that perhaps they look at blissful couples and dream that forever isn’t an urban legend but a tangible reality. Congratulate their perseverance. Acknowledge that their heart has scar tissue from withstanding some bumps and bruises. Celebrate new beginnings and the exciting adventures that lie ahead.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not pro-divorce propaganda. But the fact of the matter is, it happens…a lot, and quite often for very good reasons. To ostracize or condemn people for seeking happiness or attempting to rectify a poor decision is…well, it’s just not right. So don’t do it!

I need your help Eve-ers! I want to understand why divorce is such a dirty word. Do you frown upon those who walk down the aisle and straight to divorce court? Or, do you see divorce as a way of life in our grass is greener culture? Which box do you/would you check?

Seek Sunshine

As I head to Florida for the weekend and think of Florida Sunshine, it seems the perfect time to share my life motto with the Eve-101 family. Occasionally, people will ask me what all the talk of seeking and sharing sunshine may be under the About Us section. I’m not called Sunshine because I’m blonde. It’s much, much deeper than my naturally blonde (lowlighted and highlighted twice a year) hair. It’s more than my normal disposition. SEEK SUNSHINE encompasses my life philosophy, a huge life lesson and an energy shared amongst those closest to me.

All that being said, today is just as good a day as any to share my motto and learn about yours!

Timing is relative… this happened five years ago.

Picture August…dark, black and dreary for a week at a time. The week after my ex left, I was sitting outside on the deck drinking my morning coffee pondering the state of my life, my heart and so much more. I was in tremendous pain. I mean, the man who had promised to love and cherish me forever….whom I believed….just left under some precarious conditions and my life and my very soul were in turmoil.

Out of respect and genuine love for him, I feel the need to share two things. First and foremost, he is an amazing, extremely active and very loving father to our children. Second, he did not cheat on me and those precarious conditions are not relevant.

The chapter that ended is not nearly as important as the chapter which began.

Sass Monkey, my daughter, was eleven months old at the time. I have no idea what she may have felt…She is VERY relevant !

My Little Man was 2 1/2 . He has my grandmother’s blue eyes, only larger. Angelic, even. He had seen and heard some things that children should NEVER see or hear….and part of my pain was not knowing how much of that was my fault. For anyone who has ever ended a marriage with children, perhaps this makes more sense. The point is that my son was absolutely in turmoil of his own. Words fail to express how much this impacts me.

On this bleak August morning, my Little Man comes outside, looks at the dark sky above and just practically cries, “Mama! Mama! NO SUN!!!!” My kids adore nature and everything about it. In any other situation, this could have been a toddler upset about the weather.

However, I recalled a time in my childhood when I felt confused or hurt by one thing and it was easier to tell my parents that something trivial or childlike was the issue. I saw my son basically doing the same thing. In my heart, all I could feel in that moment was his pain. Mine disappeared and his consumed me. I still get chills to remember just how much I felt his pain and how powerless I felt.

Literally, I could feel my son’s pain to my very core.

I honestly felt he was saying “look, I am really hurt and confused that the daddy I love so much will not be living here anymore….and I love my daddy so much….and, mom, I love you so much, too….but,I am confused…..I am hurt and now look…the sun isn’t even shining”. Without even knowing it, I realized on some level that this moment was going to define the course of the rest of our lives.

All this in less than a minute or two. This is how I think and feel.

Feeling his pain, all I could do was kneel down and look into those beautiful, innocent eyes of his that always brought my mamaw (moms mom) close to me. Mind you, she died twenty five years ago….so her influence on me is profound. I remember thinking of her love for me and mine for her….and giving consideration to what she may have said to me in a similar moment.

Kneeling down, I just gazed into those angelic eyes with so much love that I know he must have felt it. I pointed to the darkest, biggest cloud right above our heads. I asked him if he saw it. He responded with some fear and trepidation, “Uh huh, …….The Big One?”

I just looked at him and with what I attribute to my mamaw and God….felt the strength to tell him with every ounce of conviction possible:

” Yes, baby, the big one. Honey, the sun is right behind THAT cloud.”

I kid you not. Little Man’s expression immediately changed to joyous. God was in that moment. My mamaw was in that moment. He put his little hands on my cheeks, smiled and said “Oh….SEEK SUNSHINE!” Like all the truths of the universe were revealed to him and it was really THAT simple. SEEK SUNSHINE. He was right, it is that simple.

To me, there was something poetic about everything I had ever read about “a little child will lead us” and how God sent his son to save us and my own saving me.

We have said that phrase almost every day since their dad left. I painted the walls in my house yellow…to which my kids immediately proclaimed quite happily “Yeah…Sunshine!!!” It was my daughter’s fifth word. I have various sunshine symbols in our home. It is our life theme, if you will.

Now you know the catalyst for my life change and why I strive to seek the light in any darkness. I learned it from my greatest teachers, my children.

I’ve shared our life motto. What is yours? Was there a single moment where it became clear to you, or would you say it grew on you over time? I really want to know!! If you don’t have a life motto, share something a child has taught you.

Diamond in the rough

Dear Eve,
I went to pick up my two boys from their dad’s about a month ago and noticed that my ex- husband’s new girlfriend had my wedding band on. I thought I had lost it, but apparently he decided to take it with out telling me when we split up.  Do you think I should tell him to give it back and let her know she’s wearing my old wedding band?

Thanks for your help,
Diamond in Distress

Dear Diamond,

Honestly, who’s the bigger dumb in this conundrum…your ex-husband, or his new girlfriend who accepted a wedding band as a token of his affection?! I can only assume that they aren’t actually engaged since you did refer to her as his girlfriend and not fiancé, so why in the name of all that was once holy, would she allow her digit to be sending the wrong message? Is he trying so hard to impress his new lady friend that he’s convinced himself that stealing and re-gifting is acceptable? (Which, by the way…it is not!)

Wedding bands are sacred symbols of love and unity. They represent an infinite commitment to your beloved and should be treated with respect, not like a prize at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box! Even though your marriage didn’t stand the test of time, that ring will always represent what once was. Some people may argue the fact that it should be your ex-husbands to keep…I say, hell no! You made a commitment, you took vows and the ring was bestowed upon you, period end of story!

Whatever the reasons may be that your marriage succumbed to divorce that doesn’t excuse the fact that your ex stole your personal property. Not that it would do you any good to throw his sticky fingers in the slammer for grand theft, but at the very least you should be in possession of what is rightfully yours. And let us not forget about the chicky wearing your marital leftovers…she has the right to know that not only is she being served up your sloppy seconds, but she’s also flaunting stolen goods.

Here’s a suggested plan of attack…the next time you are in their presence, conjure up your best poker face sans emotion and simply look and point at her finger and say “oh, there’s my ring, I guess I didn’t lose it after all.” Then, look her straight in the eye, hold at your hand and say “do you mind?” Once you have the bling in your pocket, drive straight to your favorite jeweler and trade it in for something pretty, shiny and new. On your way home, stop and celebrate with your girlfriends that you are no longer married to a thief!

What say you, folks? Do you think a woman is obligated to give back her wedding ring once the divorce papers are signed? Should Diamond in Distress dismiss her ex-husbands character flaws and let his new girlfriend live in ignorance? Or do you think she has the right to know that her boyfriend is a loser?

The Bext Ex-Wife, Ever!

Little excites me more in this life than my kiddos. Oh sure, a night of all-consuming, down-n-dirty, multi-orgasmic passion brings a different level of bliss to my life. I won’t deny it! No doubt, winning the lottery would result in my dancing around naked and singing my joy from the mountaintops. Can you just envision it now? Me, poetically turning along my path of pirouettes, while doling out copious amounts of hard cash along the way! *sigh*

There is normal daily excitement and then there is “other” excitement. In the day to day, nothing excites me more than being a great mom to my son and daughter. Where some parents find the daily stuff to be mundane, it is where I know my greatest purpose is being served. It is in the daily interractions my children have learned some of the most important life lessons. It’s rarely what we are doing that matters, it is how we are choosing to do something. Cooking eggs on a Saturday may be dull to most. However, to us, it’s an opportunity to share a task, sing songs and make up goofy words. It’s learning, cooking and entertainment!

Coming a close second to that daily pleasure is finding new and creative ways to be a great ex-wife. Yes, you heard me right. When their dad left me five years ago, I was immediately committed to the idea of being The Best Ex-Wife, Ever. I am sure there were moments I fantasized about The Best Ex Trophy. In my head, I recall thinking, “if you are going to leave me, you are going to miss me and end up begging for me to take you back.” Perhaps I planned on being the Best Ex-Wife ever with a secret hope he would change his mind about the divorce. I figured I would kill his hatred with my love. Like that works!

The irony is that it did, in fact, work. It just didn’t work as I had envisioned. Once that initial rush of spiteful energy passed, I realized I actually DID want to be the Best Ex-Wife, Ever. At that point, it had nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with my children. I wanted to be my best “everything” for them. I wanted to be loving, kind, forgiving, understanding and all other things for them. However, to be those things for them, I needed to be those things with their daddy, too. In theory, it sounded good and felt right. In practice, it took a while. Divorce is never pretty, especially with children involved.

I will admit the first year post-divorce was not easy. There was anger and hurt on both sides, much undefined. Other than settling into a Parenting Plan and getting adjusted to the major changes divorce brings, I can’t say we accomplished much in the way of forging a positive parenting relationship during that first year. However, by the time our daughter was turning two and our son was almost four-years-old, things slowly began to change. My ex started dating a woman he really liked. I wanted my kids to know, unequivocally, that their dad’s happiness was a good thing. I wanted my kids to know that liking another woman did not diminish their love for me. I did NOT want my kids to feel any of the classic guilt most kids feel when given the opportunity to form a relationship with one parent’s new interest. As a result, they do have a great relationship with the woman destined to be their step-mom. Showing her respect is a natural extension of showing their father respect.

Flash forward. Our kids are six and seven-years-old. Their father and I are still (and often!) mistaken for being married at the ballfield or at their school. The truth is, we probably get along better than most married couples. We talk, we laugh, we email and share every detail regarding our kids. We stay on the same page because we know it’s the best thing for our kids. Turns out, it’s the best thing for us, too.

When people ask me how we do it, I say what works for us borders on things we learned in Kindergarten. For us, it basically falls under five key rules:
1) Be honest and Kind. Seriously. You don’t have to be a bitch or a bastard. Use common courtesy such as please and thank you. Manners are easily noticed and set the right example for your kids.

2) Admitting when you are wrong is imperative. Admit it to each other, preferably in front of the kids. “I was wrong about the field trip date”, is so simple. It also shows your kids that adults make mistakes,too.

3.) Be flexible and creative in your parenting plan. Instead of four full weeks during the year, it works much better for my ex (and our kids!) for him to keep the kids every other Tuesday. Don’t get stuck in the laws or rules of others, find what works for you and your kids.

4.) Share accomplishments openly. For example, I don’t sign report cards until he sees them. We communicate about classroom plays, activities and other things we should both know about. There is no exclusion, only inclusion. We share in the joy of being parents as often as possible. We laugh over silly stuff the kids do at each of our houses. Humor really does heal.
5.) Don’t take each other for granted. Remember, the marriage is likely over ,in part, because one or both took the other for granted. WIthout blowing smoke up my ex’s ass, I let him know how much I appreciate his support and involvement. He is at almost every practice, every game and at any school meeting upon request. I am grateful my kids have such a loving and involved father. Not all kids are that lucky.

Believe it or not, it’s the little things which make co-parenting so much easier. Basic honesty, kindness, compassion and understanding. It’s so simple, I feel a bit like an idiot writing about it! Often, I hear what a total asshat someone’s ex may be and how what works for us could never work for them. Tell you what, I’ll accept that you don’t think there can be any change. I just ask that you consider that change is possible. Truly, it started working for us when I decided his response was not relevant to my actions. Over time, his responses changed. Maybe the difference was making the decision for himself and not being coerced into “my” way

What about you? What works for you or someone you know in the co-parenting arena?

Giving new meaning to “till death do us part?”

Dear Eve,

I am dating the sweetest, funniest, greatest guy in the world. I have seriously never been more into a guy. But there is a major problem in our relationship. He is married, and lives with his wife. It’s not what it sounds like, they aren’t together anymore, and she is dating too, and she knows about me. He says they haven’t separated or divorced for financial reasons. I have never been comfortable with it, but now that we have been together for six months and there is still no change in sight I am getting a little upset. It is hard for me to take it all seriously when he doesn’t seem to be putting getting away from the wife seriously! I try to talk to him and he says to be patient with him. Well, I think my patience is running out. I want to marry him, and he says he does me too…but can take it all seriously? What should I do? I hate this situation but I am afraid to lose him.

Sincerely,

Polly-anonymous

Dear Polly-non-polygamy,

Can you take talk of marriage from a guy who is still married and LIVING WITH THE WIFE seriously? That question is so ridiculous that I am going to pretend you didn’t ask it. Let’s move on to the rest of your issue.

If this guy is the “greatest guy in the world” I worry about the dating pool in your area. He may be sweet, and he may be funny, but you have been dating him for six months…six months in which he has still not moved out of the home he shares with a woman who is STILL his wife. Honey, unless this guy is jobless and broke (which brings on a different set of reasons why he might not be “the greatest”) there is no reason why they should not be at least legally separated…and living apart. He is either lazy or moving on is just not a top priority. Neither of these scenarios bode well for your future with him.

I don’t know the guy, so I cannot begin to try and accurately assess whether or not he is truly over his wife and ready to be in a serious relationship with you. But honestly, marriages aren’t usually something you get over in a rapid fashion. And I find it difficult to imagine that he is getting over it completely while still sharing the old marital home with the woman he took to be his lawfully wedded wife. Perhaps they are just friends helping each other out in a mutual financial bind. But here’s the thing, cookie. A new relationship is a challenge in the best of circumstances. Do you really want to start one with this massive of a handicap?

Look, you wrote here…so you have your doubts already. He keeps telling you to be patient but like you said, the fortitude well hath run dry. So if you wish, give him one more chance to do right by you and tell him you need a date set in which he can be moved out and separated from his wife. Tell him you to see him taking steps in that direction. Because otherwise you could be setting yourself up for an indefinite amount of time spent engaging in a threesome…and this kind of threesome just isn’t sexy or fun. Do you want to spend the next six months trying to have sex down the hall from the woman your boyfriend promised to love and cherish as long as they both shall live?

Bottom line? If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. This scenario might not bother some, but it does you. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself, and walk away if you need to. There are other sweet, funny great guys out there, ones with much less complicated living situations.

Love and kisses,

Eve

What do you all think? Should she stay and wait for the reluctant-to-divorce fella? Is he too good to let go, or should she be strong and move on? What is a reasonable amount of time to stay married and living together when your marriage is over? Should you seriously date (and drop marriage proposals?!) during that time?

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