Diamond in the rough

Dear Eve,
I went to pick up my two boys from their dad’s about a month ago and noticed that my ex- husband’s new girlfriend had my wedding band on. I thought I had lost it, but apparently he decided to take it with out telling me when we split up.  Do you think I should tell him to give it back and let her know she’s wearing my old wedding band?

Thanks for your help,
Diamond in Distress

Dear Diamond,

Honestly, who’s the bigger dumb in this conundrum…your ex-husband, or his new girlfriend who accepted a wedding band as a token of his affection?! I can only assume that they aren’t actually engaged since you did refer to her as his girlfriend and not fiancé, so why in the name of all that was once holy, would she allow her digit to be sending the wrong message? Is he trying so hard to impress his new lady friend that he’s convinced himself that stealing and re-gifting is acceptable? (Which, by the way…it is not!)

Wedding bands are sacred symbols of love and unity. They represent an infinite commitment to your beloved and should be treated with respect, not like a prize at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box! Even though your marriage didn’t stand the test of time, that ring will always represent what once was. Some people may argue the fact that it should be your ex-husbands to keep…I say, hell no! You made a commitment, you took vows and the ring was bestowed upon you, period end of story!

Whatever the reasons may be that your marriage succumbed to divorce that doesn’t excuse the fact that your ex stole your personal property. Not that it would do you any good to throw his sticky fingers in the slammer for grand theft, but at the very least you should be in possession of what is rightfully yours. And let us not forget about the chicky wearing your marital leftovers…she has the right to know that not only is she being served up your sloppy seconds, but she’s also flaunting stolen goods.

Here’s a suggested plan of attack…the next time you are in their presence, conjure up your best poker face sans emotion and simply look and point at her finger and say “oh, there’s my ring, I guess I didn’t lose it after all.” Then, look her straight in the eye, hold at your hand and say “do you mind?” Once you have the bling in your pocket, drive straight to your favorite jeweler and trade it in for something pretty, shiny and new. On your way home, stop and celebrate with your girlfriends that you are no longer married to a thief!

What say you, folks? Do you think a woman is obligated to give back her wedding ring once the divorce papers are signed? Should Diamond in Distress dismiss her ex-husbands character flaws and let his new girlfriend live in ignorance? Or do you think she has the right to know that her boyfriend is a loser?

The Bext Ex-Wife, Ever!

Little excites me more in this life than my kiddos. Oh sure, a night of all-consuming, down-n-dirty, multi-orgasmic passion brings a different level of bliss to my life. I won’t deny it! No doubt, winning the lottery would result in my dancing around naked and singing my joy from the mountaintops. Can you just envision it now? Me, poetically turning along my path of pirouettes, while doling out copious amounts of hard cash along the way! *sigh*

There is normal daily excitement and then there is “other” excitement. In the day to day, nothing excites me more than being a great mom to my son and daughter. Where some parents find the daily stuff to be mundane, it is where I know my greatest purpose is being served. It is in the daily interractions my children have learned some of the most important life lessons. It’s rarely what we are doing that matters, it is how we are choosing to do something. Cooking eggs on a Saturday may be dull to most. However, to us, it’s an opportunity to share a task, sing songs and make up goofy words. It’s learning, cooking and entertainment!

Coming a close second to that daily pleasure is finding new and creative ways to be a great ex-wife. Yes, you heard me right. When their dad left me five years ago, I was immediately committed to the idea of being The Best Ex-Wife, Ever. I am sure there were moments I fantasized about The Best Ex Trophy. In my head, I recall thinking, “if you are going to leave me, you are going to miss me and end up begging for me to take you back.” Perhaps I planned on being the Best Ex-Wife ever with a secret hope he would change his mind about the divorce. I figured I would kill his hatred with my love. Like that works!

The irony is that it did, in fact, work. It just didn’t work as I had envisioned. Once that initial rush of spiteful energy passed, I realized I actually DID want to be the Best Ex-Wife, Ever. At that point, it had nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with my children. I wanted to be my best “everything” for them. I wanted to be loving, kind, forgiving, understanding and all other things for them. However, to be those things for them, I needed to be those things with their daddy, too. In theory, it sounded good and felt right. In practice, it took a while. Divorce is never pretty, especially with children involved.

I will admit the first year post-divorce was not easy. There was anger and hurt on both sides, much undefined. Other than settling into a Parenting Plan and getting adjusted to the major changes divorce brings, I can’t say we accomplished much in the way of forging a positive parenting relationship during that first year. However, by the time our daughter was turning two and our son was almost four-years-old, things slowly began to change. My ex started dating a woman he really liked. I wanted my kids to know, unequivocally, that their dad’s happiness was a good thing. I wanted my kids to know that liking another woman did not diminish their love for me. I did NOT want my kids to feel any of the classic guilt most kids feel when given the opportunity to form a relationship with one parent’s new interest. As a result, they do have a great relationship with the woman destined to be their step-mom. Showing her respect is a natural extension of showing their father respect.

Flash forward. Our kids are six and seven-years-old. Their father and I are still (and often!) mistaken for being married at the ballfield or at their school. The truth is, we probably get along better than most married couples. We talk, we laugh, we email and share every detail regarding our kids. We stay on the same page because we know it’s the best thing for our kids. Turns out, it’s the best thing for us, too.

When people ask me how we do it, I say what works for us borders on things we learned in Kindergarten. For us, it basically falls under five key rules:
1) Be honest and Kind. Seriously. You don’t have to be a bitch or a bastard. Use common courtesy such as please and thank you. Manners are easily noticed and set the right example for your kids.

2) Admitting when you are wrong is imperative. Admit it to each other, preferably in front of the kids. “I was wrong about the field trip date”, is so simple. It also shows your kids that adults make mistakes,too.

3.) Be flexible and creative in your parenting plan. Instead of four full weeks during the year, it works much better for my ex (and our kids!) for him to keep the kids every other Tuesday. Don’t get stuck in the laws or rules of others, find what works for you and your kids.

4.) Share accomplishments openly. For example, I don’t sign report cards until he sees them. We communicate about classroom plays, activities and other things we should both know about. There is no exclusion, only inclusion. We share in the joy of being parents as often as possible. We laugh over silly stuff the kids do at each of our houses. Humor really does heal.
5.) Don’t take each other for granted. Remember, the marriage is likely over ,in part, because one or both took the other for granted. WIthout blowing smoke up my ex’s ass, I let him know how much I appreciate his support and involvement. He is at almost every practice, every game and at any school meeting upon request. I am grateful my kids have such a loving and involved father. Not all kids are that lucky.

Believe it or not, it’s the little things which make co-parenting so much easier. Basic honesty, kindness, compassion and understanding. It’s so simple, I feel a bit like an idiot writing about it! Often, I hear what a total asshat someone’s ex may be and how what works for us could never work for them. Tell you what, I’ll accept that you don’t think there can be any change. I just ask that you consider that change is possible. Truly, it started working for us when I decided his response was not relevant to my actions. Over time, his responses changed. Maybe the difference was making the decision for himself and not being coerced into “my” way

What about you? What works for you or someone you know in the co-parenting arena?