Falling off the pedestal

“I’m disappointed in you.”

It’s been years since those words were seared into my subconscious like a hot knife through butter. Four simple words constructed a statement that left an indelible imprint on my psyche and my heart. In retrospect it was a seemingly harsh reaction to a rather uncomplicated situation, but who am I to judge anyone’s disappointment?

We each have our own concepts and ideals of how life should be, and when others fail to meet our expectations we in turn are left feeling disappointed. We place our friends, family and even strangers on a moral pedestal of our own creation; a platform single-handedly erected with our individual wants, needs and experiences that have shaped our thought processes and standards of acceptance.

To “relinquish expectations” sounds like a novel hypothesis… the less we expect, the higher the probability we will avoid resentment. With this in mind, I have to wonder why each and every one of us isn’t striving to make this our modus operandi. Control, fear, arrogance…pick your poison.

According to Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, it’s possible to attain personal freedom and true happiness by living a simple yet powerful code of conduct: (1) Be impeccable with your word; (2) Don’t take anything personally; (3) Don’t make assumptions; (4) Always do your best.

I am fairly certain that “always do your best” is included in The Four Agreements because we generally aren’t conditioned to adhere to, or even embrace the first three principals. Unfortunately, all too often we become so preoccupied with what we perceive to be the deficiencies of others that we negate to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions. Blame is much easier than self-exploration.

A thought to ponder: Wouldn’t life be a little less nebulous if in the midst of our own realities (because they are solely our own) and subsequent palpable disappointments, we were able to conjure up empathy and compassion rather than succumbing to the egocentric martyr role?

Am I the only one who sometimes likes to pretend that life is a fairytale and that disappointments can actually be avoided? Or are you one of those realistic grounded types who knows that they’re inevitable? Just how high are your expectations?

The Representative

With any luck, there comes a time in our lives when the lessons we’ve learned will culminate into a superlative dose of self confidence and we realize that we don’t need to be justified by the thoughts and opinions of others. We wholeheartedly know who we are, what we want and how to obtain it…negating societal expectations. Or, at least that’s the goal of growing up and growing into our own, right? But what happens when we inadvertently cross paths with someone who hasn’t achieved this right of passage, but who instead has opted for the path of least resistance?

Meet, “The Representative.”

The Representative is the persona that many weak and insecure individuals choose to don in order to showcase their ideal self… sans neurotic behaviors and idiosyncrasies. Skilled in the art of putting his or her best foot forward, The Representative often makes a stellar first impression that can last for quite some time. The thought process, albeit perhaps on a subconscious level, is mischievous and calculating, and chances are we’ve all succumbed to this juvenile behavior a time or two.

Quite possibly we may have even found ourselves acting in an unusual or sensationalized manner as to appear more desirable… but, desirable to whom? If we suppress and reject our own truths aren’t we ultimately denying those whom we’re attempting to attract?

Unfortunately, relationships don’t come with extended warranties or money back guarantees when all goes awry. One day your beloved bait and switcher is causing your heart to flutter and the next you fear finding Peter Cottontail boiling on the stove. We fell in love with a concept, an idea… a fairytale bill of goods that someone sold us and then suddenly, without warning,  the other shoe drops and we find ourselves right smack in the middle of no-mans-land without a map. How did we not see this coming? How did we veer so far off course that we’re unable to recognize the person starring back at us?

Fear not, for the blame lies solely on The Representative. It’s an impossible feat to sustain a masked facade indefinitely and the truth is certain to reveal itself eventually. Assuming a Representative is an exhausting chore, and even more so for those unaware or unable to realize that they’re living in a fantasy world of make believe.

Doesn’t it make you wonder how anyone can reasonably expect a relationship to succeed when it is based on false expectations and dishonesty? Isn’t the fundamental foundation to any successful REAL-ationship exactly that - being REAL?  So I say… ditch your Representative and wear your crazy with confidence! Besides, we’re all a little wacky in our own special sort of way, no?

Do you masquerade as a happy-go-lucky, carefree soul or pretend to be a hard ass when in reality you’re a fragile flower?  When do you, or have you opted for a persona other than your own? Go ahead, admit it, we won’t judge you…name your foolish act of deceit.

Ding Dong Doormat

Dear Eve,

Why is it that relationships are never equal? You have to admit, men do a lot more things for women than they do for men - dinner, massages, gifts, emotional support, romantic gestures…etc. Women never buy a man something without expecting something bigger in return. Are men supposed to accept that women will never be able to love us unconditionally and with the same desire we have for you?

Hopelessly,
Reamed by Relationships

Dear Reamed,

Bitter, party of one…your table is ready. Dude, are you serious? Of all the questions that we’ve received here at Eve-101 yours has truly got to be one of the most ludicrous! The simple notion that women are unable to love men unconditionally and equally goes against the very grain of logic and reason. Women nurture by nature, we couldn’t avoid it if we wanted to. And I absolutely do not have to admit that your statement is true, as a matter of fact, your asinine opinions are making my hair hurt!

Listen brainiac, if you feel as though you’re giving more than you’re getting perhaps you need to take into consideration your actions versus those you mingle with. If you’re the only one participating in a relationship, well then, it’s not really a relationship is it? Is it possible that you’re the guy who will leach on to every woman you meet until you smother the very life out of her? Or are you the one who offers up kind gestures subconsciously expecting that she’ll do the same? If you want to keep score, I recommend picking up a game of hoop with the boys and forgoing the relationship hatch marks.

Now, granted, there are women (and men too) who are nothing more than opportunistic scavengers who’ll take what they can get and leave you high and dry. But, to make such a broad statement that all women fall into the “unequal” category simply proves your narrow minded thought process and probable limited experience. So let’s play a little game, shall we? Why don’t you start by making a list of personal traits from your last 3 relationships…once you find the common denominator it should be rather easy to steer clear of those that you’re attracting whom are causing you so much pain and misery. Next, I’d highly suggest that you do something about that attitude of yours…it really is unflattering and more than likely the root cause of your disenchantment.

If introspection and self-awareness are too complicated, perhaps you should embrace your love of all things masculine and switch teams. No? Well then, if you require a woman in your life to fulfill your unmet needs try communicating more and blaming less. Take responsibility for your own actions, quit whining like a little pansy ass and don’t be a doormat. People will only take advantage of you if you let them!

Are you a giver or a taker? Do you tip the scales in your favor or balance them equally? Should Reamed remain hopeless or simply change his modus operandi?