Growing Pains

Growing up is grand…well mostly, anyways. A lot of us learn to be a little more observant…a little more patient… some of us may even come to terms with the fact that while we have dominion over our own mental existence… as far as our worldly existence we’re just a speck in the sands of time .

Sure that was a little over dramatic, I’m willing to admit that… but only if you’ll admit that it made me sound really deep…and grown up and shit!

???

I’m waiting…

Ok now that you’ve conceded or at least politely declined my invitation to partake in this little exchange… I can move along with my point.

Which is…

(Thinking) How do I say this…

I don’t know how to be an adult.

There.

I know I am one, society makes me keenly aware of this on a regular basis. And for the most part I enjoy it … except, well, I feel like an impostor a lot of the time. People assume that I have…like, answers…. to questions and junk. When the hell did that happen?

Some folks assume that I know in which particular direction a very specific highway runs… or that I may know where stores with very specific and grown up sounding names like…Target are located. Or Banana Republic…or Home Depot for that matter, and honestly I don’t f-ing know these things. But apparently I look like someone who should.

No one bothered to take me aside as a lad and tell me that as I got older, people would increasingly believe that I knew about…stuff. And where it was kept…. and how to find it? ME? You’ve gotta be kidding… I don’t even know where my cell phone is right now.

Hmm, that’s not exactly my real point, I guess… but the good news is that it precedes my real point. Though not directly. Maybe you could say it’s the indirect central sub-theme of the larger point I referenced in a previous paragraph . . Okay? (nervous laughter)

What? Are you Confused… don’t worry so am I… we’ll get through this together, though. I swear.

I think what I’m really saying is… I feel like a kid wearing my father’s shoes. Except now people think I ‘m suppose to be as well reasoned as him…because I have his clothes on (figuratively speaking of course.) And I’m supposed to do all the grown up things that people in adult clothes do… like balance a checkbook, and show up to places on time and answer all those grown up questions I was talking about earlier. Oh yeah… aaand I’m suppose to help decide who should be the god damned ruler of the Intergalactic Consortium of Amerilopolous …otherwise known as America. I just don’t think I’m cut out not for that kind of thing. That “my friends… is some straight talk”… not to mention a shit-ton of pressure… I’m just not ready.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been trying… I even watched the Vice Presidential debate.

See… I’m trying to take being adult seriously. … I was even paying attention when those two political types both argued that gay unions with similar benefits to heterosexual marriage should be allowed… at least constitutionally speaking. But like a little kid in over his head I lost it when they both implied that actually calling it marriage is not ok. Whaaa??

Why the hell does it matter what it’s called? Have the otherwise genteel folks at Merriam Webster threatened to riot if the definition of marriage is updated… are they that unwilling to add a part b to the current entry? Really? Does it matter if someone is trying to change the meaning of the word “Marriage”… the meaning of the word taint has changed since I was a kid… no one seems all broken up about that. Should I really care about the way in which anyone identifies their Relationship Status?

I mean… I identify my relationship as awesomey goodness… *coughcoughbecauseIhopetogetlaidsooncoughcough*…and it IS awesomey goodness! I’ve never been told that I can’t refer to it in that manner, though in all honesty, many have said that I probably shouldn’t.

I‘m going to give back my father’s shoes. I’m not ready for this shit. I’m just a love-fuck’d kid who doesn’t mind making up some wizzirds and tweaking the definitions of some other… brotha.

That makes me some kind of a punk I guess. That’s how I know I couldn’t possibly make a good decision about who should run the country… I’m too hung up on trivialities. Obviously, I’m not ready for grown-up games like politics.

So I guess what I’ve been trying to say all along is…

I’m not gonna vote…. peace out adulthood… go find Target by your mother-fucking selves… I’m a Toys R’ Us Kid… fo’ life.

Eve-101 disclaimer: This blog is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed by the guest writer Bryan are not share by the Eve-101 personnel. And fact of the matter is, if Bryan doesn’t actually vote he will not be getting any poon from THIS member of the staff any time soon…

So…Are you voting? Why or why not? Are you following the election coverage? What do you think of all this partisan bullshit rhetoric? Does grown up stuff make you want to bury your head in the sand too?

Now! Leave B your hate mail comments below!