A Fair Trade?

“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.” ~ Aldous Huxley

Once upon a time people struggled to speak about sexuality. Men were supposed to suppress it and women…well, they weren’t even supposed to be sexual. Nowadays it seems that the inability to speak about sex has been replaced by an inability to speak about love. People are more comfortable with the sharing of a bed than the sharing of their souls. What happened to us?

Women and men used to trade sex for love. Now they trade sex…for sex. Men and women of every orientation are becoming more and more comfortable engaging in sexual encounters for what they would tell you is pleasure’s sake alone. But we all know that pleasure can be achieved without a partner. So is it possible that we are sharing that bed for something more than we are admitting to?

Ah, yes…love. That mysterious, confusing, horrifyingly wonderful experience that most of us are chasing after, pining for, hiding from or wallowing in. But in one way or another, most of us spend more than a bit of our time thinking about it. So why are we pretending not to be?

It is my belief that whether or not we will acknowledge it we often jump into that bed with our intentions and identities concealed, because we are unsure of ourselves. We fear what we get is going to be too much…or not enough. We fear our vulnerabilities. We fear exposure and judgment. We hope for validation, affection, acceptance.

We want to be known.

Yet sometimes the pressure and the fear are too much and we flee from it. To avoid drowning we avoid the sea altogether. We reject love before it can reject us.

I used to think I had mastered separating sex from love. I didn’t think I wanted an awkward emotional exchange and so I would go to great lengths to ensure that one did not occur. Until the day I awoke wondering when exactly I had allowed myself to become so hollow. I feared I have damaged myself irreparably.

But then something miraculous happened. I met a man who refused to let me hide. And just ten minutes in a bed with someone that saw me, truly, down to my very core, and still wanted to see more… it changed my life. It changed me.

And now…I want to wallow.

Because it’s really not as messy as you might think.

What say you, distinguished audience? Can you compartmentalize sex and love? Or do you need the complete package to be satisfied? Do you think this is something that develops as we get older, or is it really as simple as finding the right person to wallow around in the love-muck with?

He’s got two lovers, should he be ashamed?

Dear Eve,

I cannot stop cheating on my current girlfriend with my ex. I don’t even want to do it, sneaking around is a pain in the butt, and the sex with my girl is better anyway. Plus I do love her and I don’t want to hurt her. But when my ex calls I can’t say no. She has this way of making me feel bad and making me give in. What should I do?

Signed, Can’t stop letting her ride

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The Representative

With any luck, there comes a time in our lives when the lessons we’ve learned will culminate into a superlative dose of self confidence and we realize that we don’t need to be justified by the thoughts and opinions of others. We wholeheartedly know who we are, what we want and how to obtain it…negating societal expectations. Or, at least that’s the goal of growing up and growing into our own, right? But what happens when we inadvertently cross paths with someone who hasn’t achieved this right of passage, but who instead has opted for the path of least resistance?

Meet, “The Representative.”

The Representative is the persona that many weak and insecure individuals choose to don in order to showcase their ideal self… sans neurotic behaviors and idiosyncrasies. Skilled in the art of putting his or her best foot forward, The Representative often makes a stellar first impression that can last for quite some time. The thought process, albeit perhaps on a subconscious level, is mischievous and calculating, and chances are we’ve all succumbed to this juvenile behavior a time or two.

Quite possibly we may have even found ourselves acting in an unusual or sensationalized manner as to appear more desirable… but, desirable to whom? If we suppress and reject our own truths aren’t we ultimately denying those whom we’re attempting to attract?

Unfortunately, relationships don’t come with extended warranties or money back guarantees when all goes awry. One day your beloved bait and switcher is causing your heart to flutter and the next you fear finding Peter Cottontail boiling on the stove. We fell in love with a concept, an idea… a fairytale bill of goods that someone sold us and then suddenly, without warning,  the other shoe drops and we find ourselves right smack in the middle of no-mans-land without a map. How did we not see this coming? How did we veer so far off course that we’re unable to recognize the person starring back at us?

Fear not, for the blame lies solely on The Representative. It’s an impossible feat to sustain a masked facade indefinitely and the truth is certain to reveal itself eventually. Assuming a Representative is an exhausting chore, and even more so for those unaware or unable to realize that they’re living in a fantasy world of make believe.

Doesn’t it make you wonder how anyone can reasonably expect a relationship to succeed when it is based on false expectations and dishonesty? Isn’t the fundamental foundation to any successful REAL-ationship exactly that - being REAL?  So I say… ditch your Representative and wear your crazy with confidence! Besides, we’re all a little wacky in our own special sort of way, no?

Do you masquerade as a happy-go-lucky, carefree soul or pretend to be a hard ass when in reality you’re a fragile flower?  When do you, or have you opted for a persona other than your own? Go ahead, admit it, we won’t judge you…name your foolish act of deceit.

Breaking-Up for Dummies

There’s a fine line between love and hate…one day you and your lovely are in the throws of passion and the next you find yourself fantasizing about smothering them in their sleep. Somehow, something went awry and “I do” became “I don’t!”  And although we can’t forego the pain of a break-up we can at the very least attempt a healthy departure with our wits in tact.

There will always be some level of heartache and headache attached to mourning the loss of happily ever after. Albeit not the easiest of tasks, it is possible for two people to end what once was whilst maintaining a level of love and respect for one another.  The end of a relationship shouldn’t be considered a failure, but rather a life lesson to learn from…and hopefully not repeat.

Whether you are the dumper or dumpee, mid-break-up is not the time to be either pompous or self-defeating, so don’t forget to check your ego. If you find yourself no longer willing or able to be committed you must first devise a graceful exit strategy. State your case calmly and with compassion, take responsibility, and don’t drag it out. Conversely, if you’ve just been kicked in the gut, remember that one relationship is not the be all-end all…there really are plenty of fish in the sea. Be grateful for the good times, pick yourself up, dry your eyes and for the love of gawd, don’t utter the words “I’ll never love another“… because you will!

Through 5 major breakups (2 marriages, 3 engagements) I’ve discovered one key element to dissolution survival and that is embracing “Distance Therapy.” No matter how hard we want to cling to the past or resurrect that loving feeling it is imperative to learn to stand on our own two feet. Phone calls, text messages, e-mails and drive-by’s are off limits until you’ve reached the safety zone of self-preservation.

While engaging in Distance Therapy it is of the utmost importance that your number one priority is yourself.

• Remember that avoiding pain in lieu of temporary pleasure will only cause more damage in the end. Steer clear of drunken one-night stands that will give you nothing more than a hangover and a possible STD.

• Be proactive by starting new habits and relinquishing those that are no longer serving a positive purpose.

• Get mentally and physically healthy…learn who you are and what you enjoy.

• Grieve but don’t get lost. You only have one life, so don’t waste precious time and energy with “what ifs and woulda’, shoulda’ coulda’s,” they’re pointless and will do nothing but cause more pain and misery.

Once you’ve mastered the new and improved you, you’re on the right path to starting anew.

Time truly does heal all wounds, and one miraculous day will arrive when you realize that you have acquired the strength and ability to face your past without being plagued by the sight of it. This is the time to entertain the idea of salvaging a friendship with your former lovah, but keep in mind that it’s a slippery slope and one that must be navigated with distinct boundaries. Falling into an on again - off again relationship is futile at best and a sure fire way to crucify your dignity and sanity. Heed a reunion with caution…be aware of the warning signs that one or both parties may have ulterior motives. Be forgiving and patient… allow a new evolution begin. If you’re lucky you might just find a new friend in an old love.

How do you break-up? Do you slam the door never to open it again, or do you collect of harem of ex’s? What break-up survival tips and tricks have worked for you? Are you friends with your ex’s, or is an ex and ex for a reason?

Holding Off on the Hug Jamboree

As many of you know, I am currently involved in a long distance relationship. While my mans and I have a pretty decent handle on emotional closeness, sometimes I just miss the physical touch of another human being. Not sexual necessarily…just…bodily contact with another adult-type person.

Now, now, stop raising the eyebrows; I would never, I repeat, NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. But the other day whilst surfing along the cyber waves I came across an article about something that gave me pause…“cuddle parties.” Of course I had to investigate further.

So I ended up on a site appropriately named oc-cuddle.com. These people came across like touch-pushers; going on and on about how unhealthy it is to not be getting your daily dose of nutritious and delicious man-handling. Uh oh, thought I. Am I going to become a touch-anemic?? Do I need the kind of relief only a G-rated hug jamboree can bring??

But the deeper my reading got, the more deeply disturbed I felt. I quickly realized this stuff = not for Trista. And you know I don’t like to feel creeped out alone, so I am going to drag you down into the world of squeeze-soirées with me! Whee!

First off, you’ll want to know that these folks do have some ground rules, 15 of them to be exact. You can read them all on their site, but I decided to discuss a few of ‘em with you. (My commentary is in red…)

• Pajamas stay on the whole time. - This ain’t no nekkid party folks! Thems down the hall…

• No SEX. (Yep, you read that right.) - Again, may I refer you to that party down the hall…

• Kissing and nuzzling, as well as other forms of touch, are allowed, but you must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. - Now, when they say other forms of touch, do they mean “got your nose!” touching, or “oops, I accidentally pinned you down under me with my hand on your vagina!” touching? What’s the difference you ask? You are so not invited to my cuddle party…

• You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever. - Sweet! All you voyeurs out there, you can go to watch people…hug…that oughta be a hoot.

• NO DRY HUMPING! - Are you getting the asexual vibe here? Cuz I am starting to…

• If you’re in a relationship, communicate and set your boundaries and agreements BEFORE you go to the Cuddle Party. Don’t re-negotiate those agreements/boundaries during the Cuddle Party. (Trust us on this one.) - “Well baby, I know I said I wasn’t gonna touch no one’s boobalies but yours, but look at that woman’s boobalies! No baby, really…would you just look at her luscious…where ya going…?”

• Get your Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty or Cuddle Caddy if there’s a concern, problem, or question or should you feel unsafe or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party. - Your cuddle lifeguard? In case you are drowning in a sea of pathetic? And what is the caddy for…to bring you a four iron to clunk people in the head in case the freaks go native on you?

• Crying and giggling are both welcomed and encouraged. - Just not at the same time, because, well, that’s creepy…even for gropers-r-us.

• Be hygienically savvy. - No one likes doggy breath in a puppy pile!

Anyhow folks, you get the idea. I know I am being a tad harsh, but what I found in my exploration filled me with a hard core case of the heebie-jeebies. I realized something about myself while perusing the site, I really am not comfortable with the idea of rolling around on the floor with a bunch of pajama clad strangers.

So what kind of people DOES this concept appeal to?

I mean, really? Instead of creating intimacy with people in your life, you have to pay 30 bucks to be touched by an unfamiliar?? I suppose I should be proud of y’all for making your way out of your grandma’s basement, but come on! This doesn’t seem like pro-touch healing to me, but more like a scam that is feeding off the lonely and socially stunted.

Maybe the founders are right…maybe we are living in a touch-deprived society. But thinking about that statement makes me want to go pick up my kids and hug them…not pay to pet a stranger…(especially the kind of strangers willing to hand over money to be fondled by people they don’t know…)

So, to each their own and all that, but this is one social scene I shall not be exploring further. I will look fondly to the day when I can be spooned (and get forked) by my boyfriend again, but until then the only snuggling up I am going to be doing is with my own pillow. And thanks to cuddle.com I feel 100% better about the waiting.

So my friends, what do you think about this? Are you just a fluffy-wuffy cuddle bunny looking for a place to get petted? Or are you thinking this is perhaps a wee bit creepy? Would you pay 30 smackers to get touched by a stranger? Do you believe that grown-ass adults should get involved with something called puppy piles? I need to know!

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