Getting him to enjoy arts and crafts week at panty camp

Dear Eve,

My boyfriend of three years absolutely refuses to have sex with me when I am having my period, or should I say he refuses to enter through the front door. Instead, he insists that during that time of the month we switch to anal. I really don’t understand it, he almost seems afraid of my period. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he practically runs from the room when I mention the subject. And before you think I am weird for even caring, we have recently started talking about marriage…but I am really finding myself hung up on this issue! It seems so childish and immature of him, I mean it’s natural! And besides, it is my horniest time of the month! I really don’t want to subject myself to a lifetime of nothing but buttsex during my horniest week of every month!

Thanks,

Blood-lust

Dear Blood-bust,

So…your man fears the red tide. He doesn’t want to hang around when Aunt Flo comes to town. He doesn’t like to saddle old rusty. He doesn’t enjoy arts and crafts at panty camp. He’s a-scared of vagina blood. What a pansy!

Sadly, many men are like this, so I wouldn’t be too quick to toss this particular one back. It’s not even his fault really, society has trained men to fear all things labeled “women troubles.” It’s a survival tactic, passed down from generation to generation. Though it is true that some women find that rare evolved man who doesn’t get squirrelly at the sight of a little VB, those men seem to be an exception, not a rule.

The trouble is, you’re right…this can be a time of great sex in the monthly cycle. Our hormones are raging; this makes us not only crave sex in a big way, but also puts us in a better position to achieve exceptional orgasms. And sex helps cramps, you selfish bastards!

So first ask your man this: Would he rather risk his precious penis getting some e-coli jammed in the pipe? The blood is not going to hurt him…having poop particles up his urethra however, that CAN hurt big time. I would tell you to ask a guy I know about that but I doubt he would want to be identified here today. So lets move on…to you.

Yes, you…you aren’t innocent either, Ms. Bloody Mary! If this is such a tremendous and rule breaking issue for you, why did you wait THREE years to deal with it? You have CONDITIONED him to his monthly butt-sex week and now you want to make issue of it? Foolish girl. It’s alright though; you have come to your senses and are ready to stand up for yourself…better late than never. So let’s talk about the best way to have period sex with a squeamish fellow:

We all know that sex during the great flood can be a tad messy. But it’s really not that difficult to get around that. Use your human ingenuity, people. A couple of old towels can help you deal with most of that mess. Lay one beneath you, and keep one nearby, to help Mr. Red Scare there clean the peen. Dim the lights too. These simple steps really should eliminate most of his physical issues. And I can’t really deal with the psychological stuff here; I’m just a girl with a website. Anyhow, if he reads the steps above and is still freaked, try sex in the shower. Tell him to keep his eyes off the drain and on you so he won’t have to see any of that icky girl matter. Freakin’ wimp.

Worse case scenario, just masturbate. A lot. The whole week. In the shower, in bed, wherever and whenever you can. Let him see how excitable you are during this time…it might help. Certainly couldn’t hurt.

And really, don’t wait for years to talk about relationships issues, sexual or otherwise. You have put up with this unpleasant monthly problem approximately 36 times already in your relationship…no wonder you are seeing red!

So talk it out with him, and god as my witness, Miss Scarlett will return to Tara but you will not go unsatisfied again!

Because like I said…worse case scenario…let your fingers do the walking…fiddle dee dee…a girls gotta do…

Love and kisses,

Eve

Undoing the bible belt or chided by chastity?

Dear Eve,

I’m writing to you because I don’t really have anyone I trust to give me an honest opinion. I’ve read enough over at your site to know that you’re not going to take it easy on me or jump to conclusions and scold me because ..well, you don’t know me.. My problem is this… I am twenty, and a virgin… but it’s getting harder and harder to wait. I am already engaged even though we don’t plan on getting married until after college. My faith is very important to me and saving myself for marriage is the best gift I can possibly ever give my future sweetheart… so I was wondering if perhaps you had some practical advice that might make the waiting a little more bearable, lol.

And p.s I’m not as religious as you might think so you don’t have to censor yourself for me..

Impatiently Patient

Dear Chastity McBiblebelt,

I find it incredibly amusing that you say you are familiar with our fair site and yet you still chose to write to us about keeping your virginity. Personally I think virginal status is best left to olive oil, and yet here we are…just you and me… (And the thousands of readers, but pay them no mind)… so lets talk.

Clearly you have a belief system that you are very secure with, and though it is very much different from my own, I shall respect it rather than ignore your question and make fun of you at next months agnostic pot-luck (I’m not really sure how I feel about going to those…no one ever knows what to bring…but I digress.)

And out of respect for our differing opinions I will not go into detail about how your religious beliefs are in line with the beliefs of people who believe that dinosaurs were some kind of god-inspired logic test on the importance of faith. Nor will I talk about how incredibly important sexual compatibility is to a healthy and happy marriage or how denying yourself pleasure might be considered a sin by some. Because that’s not why you wrote me, now is it? No, you wrote me to complain about the rigors of abstinence while hoping to filch some tips on keeping your legs closed…from the likes of me. *Whistling the Twilight Zone theme*

Anyway, here at Eve-101 we believe in giving the people what they want! And what you want is ways to make your self-imposed torture bearable, so with that in mind, I shall do my best. But Jesus…I’m no miracle worker! (did ya see what I did right there? Heh..ehm.)

Okay…

Masturbate
Don’t be telling me that you don’t do it, first of all, because we all do. Sure, some of you religious types might cry in the shower afterward but you still do it. So you…yeah you, little Miss Mcdiddles-not, do it, and do it often! And if your morality starts to get the best of you, be grateful that the shower drain is there to erase all evidence of your sinful tears. Because let’s face it; you need to get to know yourself sexually somehow. And if he is remaining a virgin (hahahahaha…ehm) he is definitely going to need the pointers come honeymoon time.

Volunteer
You do-gooders just love volunteering, right? So keep yourself busy, and avoid those pesky sins of the flesh you Christians are always supposedly burning in hell for, by helping the needy! As an added bonus: dirty, hairy, smelly homeless men are bound to turn you off of the penis. Just make sure you quit this activity 6-8 weeks before marriage time…you will need some time to coax your vagina out of hiding. You might also want to think about a Xanax prescription too, if you’re having trouble erasing the mental stamp of Karl the Crusty Bridge Wino out of your mind .

Join an all-girls sports league

Nothing helps sexual frustration quite like a little physical exertion. Besides, you will be getting healthier and stronger; and everyone wants to look good in that wedding dress, right? And think about the life-long bonds that will be forged between you and these women…hmmm-kay, you don’t want to be off the cock forever, perhaps you should avoid softball, might want to steer clear of joining a cycling club too, just to be safe. I also hear Badminton is making a comeback…

Hopefully I have helped you in some way, my simple little puritan. But let me leave you with just one more thing to consider. Take the church and state out of this and look at the man you are engaged to be married to. You both know how you feel about each other, so don’t let anyone else cloud your decision. The marriage certificate is just a piece of paper; the church is just a building. The bond is between you two. If you both want to wait, more power to you. But if you are doing it because you’ve been told it is the thing to do, well, perhaps rethink it. A new marriage is hard enough without adding potential sexual issues into the mix.

Besides, I do my best praising of the lord between the sheets and I’ve yet to be struck by lightening…so you should check into it.

Hallelujah!

Love and kisses, Eve

SO what do you think folks, can I get an AMEN? Or should our non-secular starlet be praised for her steadfastness? What impact if any does religion have on your sex life? How old were you when you finally parted the curtains and invited the crowd in for the show?

Patience is a virtue, Mr. Edwards

All ye doubters of the rectitude of the National Enquirer have been left with egg on your face; egg on your face I say! The good folks over at the king of tabloids have been crying for our attention for months…claiming that they had a legitimate story about John Edwards and his illegitimate love child.

And now some truth has indeed come out, as truth has a tendency of doing…and John Edwards has admitted to having an affair with this woman:

Who is she? We shall get to that in a moment…but let me explain first why I am even bothering to talk about it. It is not the act itself that really raises my ire. My issue is quite simply the hypocrisy of it all.

There’s nothing quite as decidedly sweet as a little hypocrisy, is there? It lingers on the palate, appeasing both our sense of destruction and our need for gossip. It is a big part of the fabric of America; our socially accepted ritual of voyeurism. And we are delivered our tasty little nuggets of tomfoolery by a very willing and able press corps.

A journalistic inquiry that compels a public figure to eat crow is really the modern day alternative to community stoning; the stuff a good Monday morning is made of! While admittedly public admissions of hypocrisy are not quite as fun or interactive as the rock tossing employed by our relatives of yesteryear… the method does have its perks. While pelting in its heyday was reserved almost exclusively for common women, today’s alternative allows us to blur the gender line and emotionally injure everyone, whether they be phallically challenged or not.

It seems though that today, this particular cocktail of embarrassment and shame is reserved mostly for the power-drunk political bucks that rove the grasses just off Capitol Hill. Yes, aspiring politician after politician have managed to get their dicks so inescapably caught in the ringer that political castration soon followed suite. Way to follow the pack, Johnny boy.

See, here’s a man whose presidential bid rested solidly on the ideals of integrity and compassion. This divide between his righteous indignation and his behavior is akin to finding out Gandhi having McDonalds smuggled into his residence while fasting for the rights of India. Ok, well maybe that’s a tad bit over stated…Gandhi and John Edwards are not quite on the same plane of relevance…as a matter of a fact John Edwards will be lucky if two years from now he’s on anybody’s mental rickshaw of relevance. But still, the duplicitous bastard pisses me off.

The idiot cheated on his wife. What’s that? You say a lot of politicians cheat on their wives? True… but how many of them have the big brass balls and the complete lack of scruples to cheat on their spouses when they have cancer? John Edwards seems uniquely disconnected and unaffected by sentimentality, which probably would have made him a wonderful leader come to think of it, but I digress.

Yes, John Edwards, the man o’ morals, had an affair with some 42-year old videographer he met in a bar, while his wife was trying to battle cancer no less. Edwards’ campaign hired the woman, she traveled with Edwards, making videos, and then she suddenly left the campaign, reportedly midway through 2006, and the videos all disappeared off the Edwards website shortly after. Then the story gets interesting…

His lil’ fling ended up pregnant, not long after she stopped working with the campaign. Edwards insists he is not the father, though he has yet to take a paternity test. Apparently the thought of losing her meal ticket’s got baby-mama a lil’ gun-shy; she won’t allow the test. You see, she has managed to procure herself a lovely little mansion to call her own out in Santa Barbara Ca, that she is sharing with the young aid that they paid claims to be the baby daddy! Aww, like a family! Anyhow, I don’t think she wants to risk all that to be on Maury Povich.

John Edwards of course denied that he knew of any monetary consideration for either his mistress or former campaign aide but did stipulate that one of his donors or handlers might have. Uh huh. And then like magic his former chief aid came forward to admit that he provided money to move Ms. Hunter out of Edwards’ state, without Edwards’ knowledge, of course.

Did I mention Mrs. Edwards was busy dying of cancer during this circus?

Edwards did supposedly tell his wife awhile ago, but he neglected to tell the rest of America. He didn’t figure he needed to…it was The National Enquirer with the story. And they are “tabloid trash” and “an example of the reason the American public has trouble trusting the media.” So he denied the story…for months.

When he finally did come out to us, he did so on a day when most media had left for Beijing…near the end of a news cycle on a Friday…no doubt anticipating a slow weekend filled with distractions and new news stories. For shame, Jonathan, for shame!

This is a man who put his ideals on a pedestal and put his wife in the corner. Elizabeth Edwards has made good on her vow to stand beside Senator Edwards until death do us part. And ol’ Johnny-Come-Lately couldn’t even wait until after the casket dropped to plow some random haggish bar straggler? How tacky…

Patience truly is a virtue…that John Edwards doesn’t possess. And because of his inability to suffer a little penis-neglect he will not become Attorney General, he will not speak at the Democratic Convention and he will not hold public office again. Hopefully his wife will make him miserable for the remainder of her time on earth, but it’s unlikely. Elizabeth Edwards is a far cry from her husband, and a damn sight better then an insincere wind-bag like him ever deserved.

So…you think I am being too hard on him? Or do you think he is as big of a hypocritical jackass as I do? And while we are chatting up in here…whatddaya think of Eve’s facelift??!

Who’s Robbing the Cradle Now?

Welcome to “He said, She said”, where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree.

Today’s Topic: In the world of dating…how young is too young?

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The midlife crisis of a flannel man-handler

Dear Eve,

I am a bisexual man who has been with the same woman for fourteen years now. Recently, I have been wanting to be with a man again. I don’t want to cheat on my wife, but the urges have gotten to the point I don’t know what to do. Help me please!

Pining for Penis

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