Undoing the bible belt or chided by chastity?
August 13, 2008
Dear Eve,
I’m writing to you because I don’t really have anyone I trust to give me an honest opinion. I’ve read enough over at your site to know that you’re not going to take it easy on me or jump to conclusions and scold me because ..well, you don’t know me.. My problem is this… I am twenty, and a virgin… but it’s getting harder and harder to wait. I am already engaged even though we don’t plan on getting married until after college. My faith is very important to me and saving myself for marriage is the best gift I can possibly ever give my future sweetheart… so I was wondering if perhaps you had some practical advice that might make the waiting a little more bearable, lol.
And p.s I’m not as religious as you might think so you don’t have to censor yourself for me.. 
Impatiently Patient
Dear Chastity McBiblebelt,
I find it incredibly amusing that you say you are familiar with our fair site and yet you still chose to write to us about keeping your virginity. Personally I think virginal status is best left to olive oil, and yet here we are…just you and me… (And the thousands of readers, but pay them no mind)… so lets talk.
Clearly you have a belief system that you are very secure with, and though it is very much different from my own, I shall respect it rather than ignore your question and make fun of you at next months agnostic pot-luck (I’m not really sure how I feel about going to those…no one ever knows what to bring…but I digress.)
And out of respect for our differing opinions I will not go into detail about how your religious beliefs are in line with the beliefs of people who believe that dinosaurs were some kind of god-inspired logic test on the importance of faith. Nor will I talk about how incredibly important sexual compatibility is to a healthy and happy marriage or how denying yourself pleasure might be considered a sin by some. Because that’s not why you wrote me, now is it? No, you wrote me to complain about the rigors of abstinence while hoping to filch some tips on keeping your legs closed…from the likes of me. *Whistling the Twilight Zone theme*
Anyway, here at Eve-101 we believe in giving the people what they want! And what you want is ways to make your self-imposed torture bearable, so with that in mind, I shall do my best. But Jesus…I’m no miracle worker! (did ya see what I did right there? Heh..ehm.)
Okay…
Masturbate
Don’t be telling me that you don’t do it, first of all, because we all do. Sure, some of you religious types might cry in the shower afterward but you still do it. So you…yeah you, little Miss Mcdiddles-not, do it, and do it often! And if your morality starts to get the best of you, be grateful that the shower drain is there to erase all evidence of your sinful tears. Because let’s face it; you need to get to know yourself sexually somehow. And if he is remaining a virgin (hahahahaha…ehm) he is definitely going to need the pointers come honeymoon time.
Volunteer
You do-gooders just love volunteering, right? So keep yourself busy, and avoid those pesky sins of the flesh you Christians are always supposedly burning in hell for, by helping the needy! As an added bonus: dirty, hairy, smelly homeless men are bound to turn you off of the penis. Just make sure you quit this activity 6-8 weeks before marriage time…you will need some time to coax your vagina out of hiding. You might also want to think about a Xanax prescription too, if you’re having trouble erasing the mental stamp of Karl the Crusty Bridge Wino out of your mind .
Join an all-girls sports league
Nothing helps sexual frustration quite like a little physical exertion. Besides, you will be getting healthier and stronger; and everyone wants to look good in that wedding dress, right? And think about the life-long bonds that will be forged between you and these women…hmmm-kay, you don’t want to be off the cock forever, perhaps you should avoid softball, might want to steer clear of joining a cycling club too, just to be safe. I also hear Badminton is making a comeback…
Hopefully I have helped you in some way, my simple little puritan. But let me leave you with just one more thing to consider. Take the church and state out of this and look at the man you are engaged to be married to. You both know how you feel about each other, so don’t let anyone else cloud your decision. The marriage certificate is just a piece of paper; the church is just a building. The bond is between you two. If you both want to wait, more power to you. But if you are doing it because you’ve been told it is the thing to do, well, perhaps rethink it. A new marriage is hard enough without adding potential sexual issues into the mix.
Besides, I do my best praising of the lord between the sheets and I’ve yet to be struck by lightening…so you should check into it.
Hallelujah!
Love and kisses, Eve
SO what do you think folks, can I get an AMEN? Or should our non-secular starlet be praised for her steadfastness? What impact if any does religion have on your sex life? How old were you when you finally parted the curtains and invited the crowd in for the show?
Do you care to share?
July 18, 2008
Welcome to our very first edition of she said, she said. It’s a catfight, but with civil words and no clawing out of eyeballs. Sorry to disappoint.
Todays topic: Could you commit to a serious relationship with an escort?
The midlife crisis of a flannel man-handler
July 16, 2008
Dear Eve,
I am a bisexual man who has been with the same woman for fourteen years now. Recently, I have been wanting to be with a man again. I don’t want to cheat on my wife, but the urges have gotten to the point I don’t know what to do. Help me please!
Pining for Penis
Reading Lips
July 2, 2008
Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley
We have done the dance all evening, clearly the attraction is mutual. I watch your lips move as you speak and wonder how they will feel against mine. The innocent touches we exchange are delightful and maddening all at once. Looking into your eyes across the table I see my desire mirrored back at me and I shudder with excitement. When at last the crucial moment arrives and we are alone at the bottom of my stairs, I gaze into your eyes and fear and anticipation mingle within me, almost causing me to lose my nerve. But I know I will not forgive myself easily if I let this moment pass, so I reach my hands up to your face, close my eyes and melt into the kiss I have been waiting for all night long. As it vibrates through my entire body, I am pleased with my decision.
Bursting another fantasy bubble…
June 27, 2008
Lesbians.
It has come to my attention that lesbians get people riled up. Well, they get men riled up, because who doesn’t like to see some hot girl-on-girl action? Okay, maybe they just get me all hot and bothered…or they did, until of course I had the chance to see many a lesbian couple in real life. For the most part, they are not clones of Jenna Jameson, Janine, or Chasey Lain, all itching to start fingering each other and licking their fingers at whichever red light they may come to in their ‘65 Mustang convertible after all.
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