Getting him to enjoy arts and crafts week at panty camp

Dear Eve,

My boyfriend of three years absolutely refuses to have sex with me when I am having my period, or should I say he refuses to enter through the front door. Instead, he insists that during that time of the month we switch to anal. I really don’t understand it, he almost seems afraid of my period. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he practically runs from the room when I mention the subject. And before you think I am weird for even caring, we have recently started talking about marriage…but I am really finding myself hung up on this issue! It seems so childish and immature of him, I mean it’s natural! And besides, it is my horniest time of the month! I really don’t want to subject myself to a lifetime of nothing but buttsex during my horniest week of every month!

Thanks,

Blood-lust

Dear Blood-bust,

So…your man fears the red tide. He doesn’t want to hang around when Aunt Flo comes to town. He doesn’t like to saddle old rusty. He doesn’t enjoy arts and crafts at panty camp. He’s a-scared of vagina blood. What a pansy!

Sadly, many men are like this, so I wouldn’t be too quick to toss this particular one back. It’s not even his fault really, society has trained men to fear all things labeled “women troubles.” It’s a survival tactic, passed down from generation to generation. Though it is true that some women find that rare evolved man who doesn’t get squirrelly at the sight of a little VB, those men seem to be an exception, not a rule.

The trouble is, you’re right…this can be a time of great sex in the monthly cycle. Our hormones are raging; this makes us not only crave sex in a big way, but also puts us in a better position to achieve exceptional orgasms. And sex helps cramps, you selfish bastards!

So first ask your man this: Would he rather risk his precious penis getting some e-coli jammed in the pipe? The blood is not going to hurt him…having poop particles up his urethra however, that CAN hurt big time. I would tell you to ask a guy I know about that but I doubt he would want to be identified here today. So lets move on…to you.

Yes, you…you aren’t innocent either, Ms. Bloody Mary! If this is such a tremendous and rule breaking issue for you, why did you wait THREE years to deal with it? You have CONDITIONED him to his monthly butt-sex week and now you want to make issue of it? Foolish girl. It’s alright though; you have come to your senses and are ready to stand up for yourself…better late than never. So let’s talk about the best way to have period sex with a squeamish fellow:

We all know that sex during the great flood can be a tad messy. But it’s really not that difficult to get around that. Use your human ingenuity, people. A couple of old towels can help you deal with most of that mess. Lay one beneath you, and keep one nearby, to help Mr. Red Scare there clean the peen. Dim the lights too. These simple steps really should eliminate most of his physical issues. And I can’t really deal with the psychological stuff here; I’m just a girl with a website. Anyhow, if he reads the steps above and is still freaked, try sex in the shower. Tell him to keep his eyes off the drain and on you so he won’t have to see any of that icky girl matter. Freakin’ wimp.

Worse case scenario, just masturbate. A lot. The whole week. In the shower, in bed, wherever and whenever you can. Let him see how excitable you are during this time…it might help. Certainly couldn’t hurt.

And really, don’t wait for years to talk about relationships issues, sexual or otherwise. You have put up with this unpleasant monthly problem approximately 36 times already in your relationship…no wonder you are seeing red!

So talk it out with him, and god as my witness, Miss Scarlett will return to Tara but you will not go unsatisfied again!

Because like I said…worse case scenario…let your fingers do the walking…fiddle dee dee…a girls gotta do…

Love and kisses,

Eve

Holding Off on the Hug Jamboree

As many of you know, I am currently involved in a long distance relationship. While my mans and I have a pretty decent handle on emotional closeness, sometimes I just miss the physical touch of another human being. Not sexual necessarily…just…bodily contact with another adult-type person.

Now, now, stop raising the eyebrows; I would never, I repeat, NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. But the other day whilst surfing along the cyber waves I came across an article about something that gave me pause…“cuddle parties.” Of course I had to investigate further.

So I ended up on a site appropriately named oc-cuddle.com. These people came across like touch-pushers; going on and on about how unhealthy it is to not be getting your daily dose of nutritious and delicious man-handling. Uh oh, thought I. Am I going to become a touch-anemic?? Do I need the kind of relief only a G-rated hug jamboree can bring??

But the deeper my reading got, the more deeply disturbed I felt. I quickly realized this stuff = not for Trista. And you know I don’t like to feel creeped out alone, so I am going to drag you down into the world of squeeze-soirées with me! Whee!

First off, you’ll want to know that these folks do have some ground rules, 15 of them to be exact. You can read them all on their site, but I decided to discuss a few of ‘em with you. (My commentary is in red…)

• Pajamas stay on the whole time. - This ain’t no nekkid party folks! Thems down the hall…

• No SEX. (Yep, you read that right.) - Again, may I refer you to that party down the hall…

• Kissing and nuzzling, as well as other forms of touch, are allowed, but you must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. - Now, when they say other forms of touch, do they mean “got your nose!” touching, or “oops, I accidentally pinned you down under me with my hand on your vagina!” touching? What’s the difference you ask? You are so not invited to my cuddle party…

• You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever. - Sweet! All you voyeurs out there, you can go to watch people…hug…that oughta be a hoot.

• NO DRY HUMPING! - Are you getting the asexual vibe here? Cuz I am starting to…

• If you’re in a relationship, communicate and set your boundaries and agreements BEFORE you go to the Cuddle Party. Don’t re-negotiate those agreements/boundaries during the Cuddle Party. (Trust us on this one.) - “Well baby, I know I said I wasn’t gonna touch no one’s boobalies but yours, but look at that woman’s boobalies! No baby, really…would you just look at her luscious…where ya going…?”

• Get your Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty or Cuddle Caddy if there’s a concern, problem, or question or should you feel unsafe or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party. - Your cuddle lifeguard? In case you are drowning in a sea of pathetic? And what is the caddy for…to bring you a four iron to clunk people in the head in case the freaks go native on you?

• Crying and giggling are both welcomed and encouraged. - Just not at the same time, because, well, that’s creepy…even for gropers-r-us.

• Be hygienically savvy. - No one likes doggy breath in a puppy pile!

Anyhow folks, you get the idea. I know I am being a tad harsh, but what I found in my exploration filled me with a hard core case of the heebie-jeebies. I realized something about myself while perusing the site, I really am not comfortable with the idea of rolling around on the floor with a bunch of pajama clad strangers.

So what kind of people DOES this concept appeal to?

I mean, really? Instead of creating intimacy with people in your life, you have to pay 30 bucks to be touched by an unfamiliar?? I suppose I should be proud of y’all for making your way out of your grandma’s basement, but come on! This doesn’t seem like pro-touch healing to me, but more like a scam that is feeding off the lonely and socially stunted.

Maybe the founders are right…maybe we are living in a touch-deprived society. But thinking about that statement makes me want to go pick up my kids and hug them…not pay to pet a stranger…(especially the kind of strangers willing to hand over money to be fondled by people they don’t know…)

So, to each their own and all that, but this is one social scene I shall not be exploring further. I will look fondly to the day when I can be spooned (and get forked) by my boyfriend again, but until then the only snuggling up I am going to be doing is with my own pillow. And thanks to cuddle.com I feel 100% better about the waiting.

So my friends, what do you think about this? Are you just a fluffy-wuffy cuddle bunny looking for a place to get petted? Or are you thinking this is perhaps a wee bit creepy? Would you pay 30 smackers to get touched by a stranger? Do you believe that grown-ass adults should get involved with something called puppy piles? I need to know!

Ding Dong Doormat

Dear Eve,

Why is it that relationships are never equal? You have to admit, men do a lot more things for women than they do for men - dinner, massages, gifts, emotional support, romantic gestures…etc. Women never buy a man something without expecting something bigger in return. Are men supposed to accept that women will never be able to love us unconditionally and with the same desire we have for you?

Hopelessly,
Reamed by Relationships

Dear Reamed,

Bitter, party of one…your table is ready. Dude, are you serious? Of all the questions that we’ve received here at Eve-101 yours has truly got to be one of the most ludicrous! The simple notion that women are unable to love men unconditionally and equally goes against the very grain of logic and reason. Women nurture by nature, we couldn’t avoid it if we wanted to.  And I absolutely do not have to admit that your statement is true, as a matter of fact, your asinine opinions are making my hair hurt!

Listen brainiac, if you feel as though you’re giving more than you’re getting perhaps you need to take into consideration your actions versus those you mingle with. If you’re the only one participating in a relationship, well then, it’s not really a relationship is it? Is it possible that you’re the guy who will leach on to every woman you meet until you smother the very life out of her? Or are you the one who offers up kind gestures subconsciously expecting that she’ll do the same? If you want to keep score, I recommend picking up a game of hoop with the boys and forgoing the relationship hatch marks.

Now, granted, there are women (and men too) who are nothing more than opportunistic scavengers who’ll take what they can get and leave you high and dry. But, to make such a broad statement that all women fall into the “unequal” category simply proves your narrow minded thought process and probable limited experience. So let’s play a little game, shall we? Why don’t you start by making a list of personal traits from your last 3 relationships…once you find the common denominator it should be rather easy to steer clear of those that you’re attracting whom are causing you so much pain and misery. Next, I’d highly suggest that you do something about that attitude of yours…it really is unflattering and more than likely the root cause of your disenchantment.

If introspection and self-awareness are too complicated, perhaps you should embrace your love of all things masculine and switch teams. No? Well then, if you require a woman in your life to fulfill your unmet needs try communicating more and blaming less. Take responsibility for your own actions, quit whining like a little pansy ass and don’t be a doormat. People will only take advantage of you if you let them!

Are you a giver or a taker? Do you tip the scales in your favor or balance them equally? Should Reamed remain hopeless or simply change his modus operandi?

The spendthrift and the weirdo

Previously on “Love-fucked” you were introduced to the Texan and the Age-d Internet Starlet. They began their unconventional romance on the pages of a social networking site…while living over 1000 miles apart. Last we saw these two fledgling lovebirds they were about to embark upon a new leg of the journey into amore’…the telephone call. We now Join T as she not so patiently waits for B to pick up the damn phone…

(T’s thoughts will be black, her dialogue in purple, and B’s dialog, blue.)

B: Hello
Rawr, sexy voice, bonus. Except…
T: You don’t sound anything like Gonzo….
He claimed to sound like the big-nosed blue muppet. And he doesn’t. He lied? So he’s a LIAR! Hello, red flag!
B: And you don’t have Ms. Piggy’s 401k, what’s your point?
Well, THAT was rude! He has no clue how much money I have saved…Wait! Is he saying I seem like a spendthrift? This conversation is already wrong, wrong, wrong!
T: How do you know about my finances, hmm, chief?
B: Well, I’m flipping through you’re bank statements right now…and I used to date Ms. Piggy…so I don’t know, call it an educated guess.
T: Hahahahha… (sigh)
I laugh, but I want to cry. What the Hell? FREEAAAK! Now I don’t know if he is a stalker…or a plain ol’ weirdo.
T: Oh yeah, well where do I spend the most money then, smartie?
B: Hmmm…. coffee shops, taco stands… self help books? Like most Californians I reckon…yep.
T: Whatever…
Shiiit, how’d he KNOW? I need to go back through the e-mails…hold on, did he just say “I reckon??” Yep…

Completely out of character, I had taken this strange young squire from the Southwest’s phone number. And I had actually called it. Because he baited me…over and over! And like a dumb animal I took the bait… over and over! Now here we were on the phone, and he was doing it yet again. And for some reason quite beyond my understanding…I was enjoying it. Was I being brainwashed?

I awoke in the morning with the phone stuck to my face and a 9 hour conversation hangover. What had just happened? The night before was a blur of oddly intoxicating ideas, strange voices and backhanded compliments. I mean, this man actually accused my vagina of being a planet eating black hole…and instead of getting mad, I giggled like a damn school girl!

That night I talked to him again. Then we talked again the next night, and so on for week after week. I found him to be weird and pushy and borderline obsessive…and still, I found myself lamenting when I missed a call or e-mail from him. Until…

B: I should move out there
Aauch-haa! Look at B, getting quick with the funnies. Alright, sucka-butt!
T: Heh… yeah and then you can do me everyday, and we can play monopoly with the old hippies down at Venice Beach.
B: Yeah I think it’s doable. I’d have to get a job though. Hmmm.
What, not even a chuckle? Still, he’s got aaalll kinds a’jokes tonight. I can top him…riiiiight now, watch-this-shit…
T: Mmmhhmmmm…You can totally get a job as a head waiter at the fancy French restaurant nearby and whisk me and the kids into a world of curmudgeonly chefs and salacious gossip, n’est-ce pas?
B: That’s a great idea…I have waiting experience…that’s a good starter job. I can pick up another one…and I can live with you! Yeah…you have room, right?
Wait, is he trying to one-up me here? Because he’s not being very joke-y. In fact, he seems kinda serious…
T: Umm, wha? Well, uhhh, ummm, too bad you cannot survive in LA without a car…lovely idea though…perhaps instead we can both run away and join the cir…
B: I’ll buy one… I’m going to look into plane tickets.
What the…?
T: B, can you call I call you back I’ve got hair in my washing mach-iiit..I meanIgot…I got clothes in the sh…iiit. I gotta wash my laundry and do hair. M’kay Bye bye.
B: Okaa…(Click) ?
T: (dial tone…)
B: Hello….THE? Where art thou? C’mon you didn’t really hang up…hello?

Okay…this just got crazy. This…this… cyber-stranger is trying to BUY PLANE TICKETS! He’s talking about MOVING IN WITH ME!! Where’s my inhaler…wait, I don’t even have asthma…but I can’t breathe!

I had to think, and fast…and so my mind went to the one thing that seemed to scare off every guy in my life since I was 12 years old… ( dun dun dun)

MY DAD!

• Is B seriously going to fly out to California…and if so what discount ticket sight will he utilize?

• Will T recover from her panicked state?

• Is her father as scary as Wilfred Brimley?

• What other celestial bodies might we find in T’s vagina?

Tuuuuuuune in next time….for the next addition of love fucked!

What’s the biggest risk you’ve taken for love? Would you move 1000 miles to live with someone you’ve never actually met? How fast is too fast? Are these two crazy kids making a huge mistake? Would you have kept talking to this weirdo? Thoughts, folks!

Holly Gowhoring

Dear Eve,

I was wondering if you could tackle the playing the field issue.

I’m 23 and trying to play the field without coming off as a whore. I’m not sleeping with these guys. I’m getting to know them or at least trying to but in all honesty it seems like it takes forever to get to know if I really like one person so why not get to know all three and then pick the one I like the most.

I’ve been upfront with them. I’d just like your point of view.

-Treading the Field Lightly.

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