Simpatico

Last night while  Anthony Bourdain spoke about how he would not buy a Hawaiian shirt, because it was “SO Don Ho”  I drifted off into Snooze Land.   Once I arrived I began to dream…

It was all of the women friends I have had in my life.  They passed by me one by one and I was forced to face the good, the bad, and the bitchy.  To each one I either said Thank you or I am Sorry.  I was forced to see the influence each had upon me and what I think I may have left upon them.  There were some I love, some I hate, and some who are just acquaintances but still as important to me as the air I breathe and my MAC gloss.

I believe I said I am sorry to some of the women in my dream not because I have wronged them necessarily even though I may have, but more for closure.  There are honestly only about three people in my life where a friendship has ended sourly.  I have had heavy heart about each one.  Because for it to go out so passionately must have meant there was a good friendship to separate from.  There was a reason I was drawn to them in friendship.  But, there were also reasons I was pushed away at the end.

I realized once I woke the dream allowed me to find resolution where I couldn’t before and then I realized, I am no longer mad.  They may choose to still carry the Montana sized chip on their shoulders and speak harshly, or shoot me the “Eye of Death” when we pass, but it is time to move on. It is time to cherish the friendship and dismiss the falling out and all the carnage that came from it.

There can be times when women don’t get along well.  We can when we choose to, but I have found that there are times we choose not to.  I believe jealousy and envy play big parts in why women can be so catty.  Some of my most passionate friendships have ended just as passionately.  Somehow they never go out with a whisper but with a big FUCK YOU!!

Granted, I can be a very large and intense Bitch when warranted.  Normally I fear confrontation so much that I don’t say anything until it has gone way too far.  Once pushed into the abyss, my eyes turn red and my blood pressure rises to allow some of the most horrible things to come spewing out of my snarled mouth.  Only a handful of people in my life have witnessed this very ugly, yet some times necessary, bitch on wheels form of me.  I am never proud, but I also never regret what needs to be said.

Even though there are women out there who hate me, loathe me, probably would be happy to see me meet a very painful demise, I currently have some of the most fabulous women in my life and I don’t know where I would be without them.  One friend I have had for over fifteen years whom I consider to be as close as a sister.  Some I have known less than a year or for just a few years that have had such a positive influence on my life, it is indescribable.  Some women I have never met and yet they touch my life daily.  To them, I say Thank you.

And hope that I have given to them a fraction of what they have given to me.

And to these fabulous women I say one last thing.  You guys are much prettier and smarter than the girls I am not friends with anymore.  I am just saying.  OK, now that is done, NOW I am over it all.

Has a friendship ever gone sour for you?  Was it calm and mature or catty and bratty?  Do you feel the same now about it as you did when your friendship ended?  Share with us today your stories of current pals and long lost compadres.  Please don’t make me start singing, “Thank you for being a friend…”

Should he dine or dash?

My ex and I went out for two and a half years, and we have been broken up for two years now. We had a pretty bad break-up and only texted each other once every couple of months. A couple of week’s back she asked me out for dinner, we went out and just talked. We have been out together a couple more times and we just talk. We talk about everything but our past relationship. I am not sure what she is after. Could it be she wants me back or just wants to see how I am doing?

Eve’s insight would be helpful,
Befuddled in Baltimore

Dearest Befuddled,

Whoever coined the term “exes are exes for a reason” was no dumb! Might I suggest you get that sentiment permanently marked on your forehead as a constant reminder?

Considering your current circumstances and without the specific details of your “bad break-up” I can only assume that lack of communication played a major role in the demise of your coupledom. Perhaps your ex-GF has seen the errors of her ways, perhaps she’s reminiscing about the good ‘ol days, perhaps she’s just lonely and wants to drag you back into her lair…I don’t know, and neither will you until you man up and just ask her!

That being said, you need to be prepared for her answer. Since you accepted her offer to share a meal, is that all you want? Are you willing and able to forgive and forget in an attempt to rekindle your love affair? If not, are you capable of just being friends with the woman you once shared post coital bliss with? If you opt for the first choice you can’t move forward until you fix what was once broken. Beating around the bush and chatting about the weather as opposed to why you kicked her dog isn’t going to wipe the slate clean and give the two of you a Downy fresh new start. Suck it up and spill it…air your dirty laundry before the two of you start making new messes to clean up.

Being somewhat of anomaly, I wholeheartedly believe in remaining friends with exes. And although the two of you have passed the Distance Therapy portion of your relationship, that doesn’t mean its time to reconnect on a deeper or more intimate level. So take you time, objectively asses the situation and make a concise decision based on where you are today not where you wish you would’ve been two years ago!

Oh, and P.S.

If she stole from you, has serious mental health issues or slept with brother…get your balls out of her purse and stop getting sucked back into destructive old patterns. Otherwise…good luck with all of that, we’ll be praying for you.

KISSKISS
LOVELOVE,
Eve

What would you do if you were in Befuddled’s shoes? Would you entertain the notion of a reconciliation or would you define platonic boundaries? Have you ever gone back after a break-up hiatus and how did that work out for you?

Caution - Freaky Approaching

“Why aren’t we more romantic?  Why don’t we make love on the beach?  Why don’t we have sex in the shower?  How can we spice up our sex life?”  No one wants a boring sex life.  That ’s when things can get monotonous and stale.  But before you break out the sex swings and the Bedroom Bingo make sure you are well informed.  It is all fun and games until someone loses a penis.

I am all for experimentation in the bedroom.  I encourage anyone and everyone to try new things.  Have fun.  Mix things up.  But there are some ideas that have been romanticized and frankly aren’t worth the amount of crap you are going to go through to reach this impossible sexual crescendo.

Myth 1 - Sex on the beach.

Makes a great shot if you are into those kinds of fruity drinks.  But the actual act of having sex on the beach is a nightmare.  I am going to throw some words out there for you.  Sand, shells, wind, night walkers, and the most important words no one should forget… Sand gnats.  Those little bastards will take your groove and eat it for dinner.  TRUST ME.

When you go to the beach you get sand in places you don’t even want to think about.  For example, your hair, fingernails oh and I almost forgot, your vagina.  I am all for exfoliation, but that is one place I can do without the grit.  In other words, unless you want to have sand in your whoo haa, gnat bites on your ass, windburn, and be walked by/in on by Snow birds then stay away from beach sex.  Because come to find out Fran and Sal Millhouse from Syosset, NY can be damned judgmental!  Friggin tourists. And one last tip…

Watch where you put your blanket.

Myth 2 - Shower sex.

We see it soft core on Cinemax, and sometimes hardcore in porn.  Two people soaped up writhing around moaning with pleasure…  Wet, passionate, hot sex while water cascades down each others bodies.

I call bullshit.

Someone is always in the back with no water freezing their ass off.  Come to find out, when water is introduced into the sexual equation (I love naughty math normally) lubrication becomes a serious issue.  And this also applies to pool sex.  And under NO circumstances are you allowed to use your hair conditioner as lube.  EVER.  I shouldn’t have to tell you guys this, but I have heard stories…

Myth 3 - Sex in a car

My last job was in a strip mall and I would go to the back on occasion to smoke.  Every day around 1′ish a couple would pull around the back of the complex, by the dumpsters no less, to meet up and get their freak on.  Needless to say I saw arms and legs hanging out of windows, saw the hazard lights come on, and I am pretty sure I kept hearing a BONK, which was her head against the door.

Where do I sign up?

I haven’t had sex in a car since I was in High School.  And there is a reason for that.  IT SUCKS.  Do you have sexual day dreams about making whoopy in a large Tupperware dish?  No?  How about in a 10x 12 box?  Then why do you want to have your man or woman pull over and sprain their groin trying to get on top?  Release the break, back up the seat, lean it back, let down the part between the trunk and the back seat…  Thanks but no thanks.  Maybe if you have an SUV this is an easier task (Reminds self to look into SUV’s and trade in my sedan for a brand new Sexual Utility Vehicle.)

So  the next time you decide to spice up your sex life, please refer back to this handy dandy post.  Only you can prevent crab bites, sand gnats, water logged fingers, and groin pulls. Did I forget anything? There has to be more awkward sexual romps gone wrong!

Have YOU ever had a bad sexual experience that was supposed to be the end all be all sexual tryst?  But maybe turned into a trip to the relationship counselor or to the ER??  Tell me your Stories.

Virginity…the key to longevity?

Ms. Clara Meadmore, a retired secretary living in Glassgow, celebrated her 105^th Birthday this past Saturday. It’s not too much of a surprise, nor is it barely notable these days… people who celebrate 100 plus years of living and breathing. But Ms. Meadmore’s self-proclaimed key to longevity would more than likely cause most of us to pause. No, she isn’t a vegetarian or a fitness fanatic; she doesn’t even oppose smoking and drinking. Rather, Clara’s claim to a long life is her ability to remain virtuous.

Okay, okay…it’s not beyond the realm of likelihood that some people truly manage to become 40, 50 or even 105 year old virgins. However, Ms. Meadmore’s reasons for abstaining throughout her entire life are what I find perplexing. You see, Clara was apparently ahead of her time…she is quite the independent and self-sufficient woman who saved her salary and spent the money going on walking tours in many parts of Britain in the 1920’s and 1930’s. She believes in doing things her own way (a motto this girl enthusiastically supports) and apparently that includes saving herself not for marriage, but for death…a decision she made at the ripe old age of 12 and has never reconsidered.

Granted, she likely still has her hair because she hasn’t yanked it out in moments of frustration with the opposite sex. And while I’m in awe that her sharp wit and teeth remain in tact, I can’t imagine what her soul is missing. Now, don’t get me wrong, Ms. Meadmore’s life thus far seems to have been fulfilling and she’s even entertained several platonic relationships with men. However, she chose life long abstinence because she “imagined there is a lot of hassle involved” and she’s always “been busy doing other things.” Busy doing what exactly? She didn’t have the time or inclination to squeeze in a rendezvous or two whilst traipsing across the countryside on her walking tours? Seriously, a backpack and blisters are far more daunting than occasionally dropping your drawers, no?

Although I wholeheartedly support intermittent vows of celibacy in the name of self-preservation, isn’t an entire lifetime’s worth a bit much?  One would think that a woman like Clara who is so independent would embrace all that life has to offer…including sexy time.  Although Ms. Meadmore contributes her extra long life to keeping her hoo-ha penis free, personally, I’d venture to say that it has more to do with the fact that she’s never owned a television. Nonetheless, Happy Birthday Clara…Mother Theresa would be proud!

What do you think folks? Is it possible that Ms. Meadmore has lived 105 years because she’s never been deflowered? Could you, would you, ever give up the bow-chica-bow-wow if you were guaranteed a longer life span? If you could have both…a long life and sexual fulfillment, would you even want to live to see 105? And did anyone else notice the striking resemblance between Clara and Mother Theresa?

A Fair Trade?

“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.” ~ Aldous Huxley

Once upon a time people struggled to speak about sexuality. Men were supposed to suppress it and women…well, they weren’t even supposed to be sexual. Nowadays it seems that the inability to speak about sex has been replaced by an inability to speak about love. People are more comfortable with the sharing of a bed than the sharing of their souls. What happened to us?

Women and men used to trade sex for love. Now they trade sex…for sex. Men and women of every orientation are becoming more and more comfortable engaging in sexual encounters for what they would tell you is pleasure’s sake alone. But we all know that pleasure can be achieved without a partner. So is it possible that we are sharing that bed for something more than we are admitting to?

Ah, yes…love. That mysterious, confusing, horrifyingly wonderful experience that most of us are chasing after, pining for, hiding from or wallowing in. But in one way or another, most of us spend more than a bit of our time thinking about it. So why are we pretending not to be?

It is my belief that whether or not we will acknowledge it we often jump into that bed with our intentions and identities concealed, because we are unsure of ourselves. We fear what we get is going to be too much…or not enough. We fear our vulnerabilities. We fear exposure and judgment. We hope for validation, affection, acceptance.

We want to be known.

Yet sometimes the pressure and the fear are too much and we flee from it. To avoid drowning we avoid the sea altogether. We reject love before it can reject us.

I used to think I had mastered separating sex from love. I didn’t think I wanted an awkward emotional exchange and so I would go to great lengths to ensure that one did not occur. Until the day I awoke wondering when exactly I had allowed myself to become so hollow. I feared I have damaged myself irreparably.

But then something miraculous happened. I met a man who refused to let me hide. And just ten minutes in a bed with someone that saw me, truly, down to my very core, and still wanted to see more… it changed my life. It changed me.

And now…I want to wallow.

Because it’s really not as messy as you might think.

What say you, distinguished audience? Can you compartmentalize sex and love? Or do you need the complete package to be satisfied? Do you think this is something that develops as we get older, or is it really as simple as finding the right person to wallow around in the love-muck with?

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