Talking About the Purple Pegasus in the Room
July 30, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
The Halloween costume catalog arrived several days ago, and of course my two young sons began to go through it the moment I brought it into the house. My youngest predictably chose something from the Star Wars page, but my oldest son surprised my wife and me when he chose “Sparkles, the Purple Pegasus” as his coveted costume. Eve, I want to believe I am a tolerant man, but I just don’t know what to do here! Can I send my 5 year old son off to Kindergarten as “Sparkles?” What will people think? Hell, I don’t even know what I think! Is my boy gay? I’m trying not to act freaked out but I am freaked out!
Thank you, Struggling to be Progressive
Dear Positively Regressive,
Now, now…there is no need to send off your membership card to PFLAG just yet, my friend. I am going to say something that might shock you, and all you parents and would-be parents alike out there…you ready?
How your child plays has nothing to do with their future sexual orientation.
Boys will be girls and girls will be boys, it’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up…well, you get my point. Sometimes little brothers get put in makeup and dresses and sometimes little sisters get really good at football. This does not a homosexual make, kids.
I think what you really need to do is turn your attention to yourself for a minute. What is it you are so worried about? I would be willing to bet that if this was a daughter wanting to dress like something masculine you would find the whole thing cute, instead of frightening. So the question I pose to you is this: are you uncomfortable seeing your little man “feminizing” himself? Because your five year old is most likely doing nothing of the sort. He saw a bad-ass shiny purple horse with wings costume and wanted it, simple as that. It doesn’t make him gay, feminine, transsexual, transgendered or anything of the sort. It makes him a child who doesn’t see things as “girl” or “boy”…and I think that is pretty damn bad-ass.
Look, this is only a big deal if YOU make it one. Shaming your child is never the answer. So it would be wrong to tease him and tell him that the costume is “girlie” or” “gay” or “lame” or any of the other adjectives I am sure you already have floating around your head. Love him and support him…that is your job.
All that said, you might not want to send him to Elementary school in the pastel and spangled get-up, and you definitely don’t want to send him in without ample warning. Simply sit him down and explain that sparkly, purple Pegasus costumes might be more appropriate “at home” wear…and he should perhaps pick a less restrictive and more traditional costume for school. What kid is going to be bummed about getting not one, but two Halloween costumes? If he DOES persist or question you, perhaps explain that some people might be uncomfortable with a boy is a shiny, purple, wing-ed outfit, but this is due to something wrong with THEM, not him. So rather than be stared at or laughed at, he might want to keep Sparkles at home, in the stable. Trust me, when he is older he is going to appreciate your gentle but efficient protecting of his fragile childhood ego. We all know that kids are cruel.
The bottom line is this; as parents it is our job to protect our kids and help them to grow into the best human beings that they can be. It is not our job to try to force and shame them into society’s little boxes. Enjoy your little boy in all his eccentric greatness, because chances are the world is going to come along and try to browbeat it out of him sooner or later. Let him fly on the wings of childhood while he still can…even if they are purple, sparkly ones.
Love and kisses,
Eve
On 07/30/08 at 5:56 am
PJ said:
I think the real problem here is that it’s fucking JULY. What, does the Christmas tree arrive next week?
On 07/30/08 at 7:14 am
Trista said:
Catalog companies are out of control!
On 07/30/08 at 7:27 am
PJ said:
Yes they are. By the by, where are all the peeps?
On 07/30/08 at 7:33 am
Trista said:
Good question. I would be feeling rejected, if not for you. Thanks, P…I definitely owe you a beer now.
On 07/30/08 at 7:49 am
PJ said:
I’m set to arrive at 10:15 tomorrow morning. I don’t know if we’ll be able to make the show on Friday, but I certainly that beer.
On 07/30/08 at 7:50 am
PJ said:
insert [plan on collecting] in there.
On 07/30/08 at 7:52 am
Trista said:
Let Karri and I know when you guys have an opening in the schedule. Our show got canceled anyway. So we are open!!
On 07/30/08 at 8:13 am
PJ said:
Friday is a go. Can I wear my sparkly purple pegasus outfit?
On 07/30/08 at 8:36 am
Jime said:
Only if you promise to take pictures and post them.
On 07/30/08 at 8:45 am
PJ said:
I have this uncanny knack for getting myself into awkward situations, so I’m sure there will be a fun picture or two.
On 07/30/08 at 9:02 am
Karri said:
CRIPES! Since we don’t have a show this week I thought I would get to enjoy a hygiene hall pass. Now I’ve got to wash my hair, polish my nails and make a Botox appointment because PJ will be toting a camera along? *sigh*
On 07/30/08 at 9:31 am
Jime said:
You hear that PJ? If Botox is involved, now you have to wear the purple pegasus.
On 07/30/08 at 9:49 am
PJ said:
Well, Botox might be going to an extreme, considering that I am a subscriber to the “Body by Pizza and Beer” plan. To be fair tough, it’s working.
On 07/30/08 at 10:48 am
Jime said:
You may need to step up your “Body by Pizza and Beer” plan in order to match Karri’s “Botox and double deodorant under the stinky-pit” plan. You may have to consider wearing a Voltron-Enhanced, Ultra-Mega, purple Pegasus costume equipped with dual katana blades.
On 07/30/08 at 11:51 am
PJ said:
I think I’ll leave the katana blades at home this time. Besides, my favorite ninja turtle was Michelangelo and he used nunchucks.
On 07/30/08 at 12:14 pm
Trista said:
I’ll wear my ninja turtle pool gear…its Donatello, but they are still pretty bad ass if you ask me.
On 07/30/08 at 12:20 pm
Jime said:
AND functional if you ever need to fight crime in a pool.
On 07/30/08 at 12:31 pm
Karri said:
Any woman who will not only wear the ninja turtle pool gear, but post public photos of said attire…is truly my hero!
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I wanna be you when I grow up!
On 07/30/08 at 7:52 pm
Trista said:
Thank you! When it comes to being me, the key is never to COMPLETELY grow up.
On 08/3/08 at 9:00 pm
Ally said:
Excellent advice! I havent read the comments yet, but id like to add that its only August, chances are his costume choice is going to change. My oldest is 9 and I cant count how many times her choice has changed up until halloween lol Dont sweat the small stuff!
On 08/3/08 at 11:17 pm
Trista said:
Excellent point…mine are the same way. =)
On 07/30/08 at 7:34 am
Karri said:
Personally, I’m grateful that my Dad taught me to do traditional “boy” things. I played sports, got dirty, I know what tools are and I’m not afraid of spiders. So what’s wrong with a boy learning about and exploring “girl” traits. I didn’t grow a penis, I doubt he’ll grow ovaries!
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Relax, it’s just Halloween. If that’s the worst thing you have to worry about your child doing, I think you’ll be okay.
On 07/30/08 at 7:50 am
Trista said:
I used to joke around that I was my dad’s “son.” My sister was petite and girlie…and I…I got into fights, played sports and wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress until I was practically an adult.
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I think it made me into the well-rounded woman I am today. A woman who loves watching football ALMOST as much as she loves shoe shopping.
On 07/30/08 at 7:54 am
Karri said:
Football and shoes…now that a real woman makes!
On 07/30/08 at 7:53 pm
Trista said:
It depends on the shoes though, right? Cuz football and crocs…I have some issues with that.
On 07/30/08 at 7:36 am
Carol said:
Always love something that makes me remember that I am a kick-ass mom to two amazing, individual, funny, loving and smart as hell kiddos. I can’t even THINK about October. As expected, I tend to agree with your momminess, Miss T.
On 07/30/08 at 7:55 am
Trista said:
Can you believe the commercial pressures of Halloween start beating down on us this early??
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I’m feeling the mama warm fuzzies today too…love it when I can do a post that makes us feel this way.
On 07/30/08 at 8:47 am
Carol said:
Warm fuzzies are the best way to “Sail away” tomorrow. I don’t know if I will have access with my move, etc, but I want you to know that you will be in my thoughts. I will be sending so much love and light your way that you may just feel it.
Gotta tell you, T, even the commercial pressures of Christmas don’t really affect me. I’m the mom who buys the brand new top-of-the-line costumes for my kids online two weeks before Halloween…at a 40% discount. Not even MY idea…my Little Man just said last year, “you know, mom, we can just go to the internet and find something.” Duh. Leave it to a then six year old to solve the problem!
On 07/30/08 at 9:31 am
Trista said:
You teared me up, darn you!
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But seriously…thank you…so very much. I am certain that I will be feeling it.
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My boys would choose a family vacation to the snow over the latest and greatest toys at Christmas…and I love that. I just hope that I can move them out of LALA Land before they start to get corrupted by the shallowness of it all out here.
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Midwest or bust!
On 07/30/08 at 7:44 am
Jime said:
Haaaha. My nephew Eli (now 6) chooses “pink” as his favorite color. He just loves that color! I mean: he LOVES it. Anytime we play with crayons he goes for the “Brick Pink” color, or the “Hot Magenta”. When we play Mario Kart he always wants Birdo (even though she sucks). He wanted pink legos. I didn’t even know they made pink legos. They do, btw. Haha it makes me chuckle a bit.
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Little kids don’t know what the hell is going on. They’re just trying to figure things out. Kinda like me most of the time.
On 07/30/08 at 7:54 am
PJ said:
For my nephew, who is just a shade over two, it was that sweet escape song by Gwen Stefani. Not my cup of tea, but I couldn’t resist watching him try to sing and dance along with Wooo-Hooo, Weeee-Hooo.
On 07/30/08 at 7:57 am
Trista said:
My 4 year old LOVES No Doubt himself. Perhaps it is Ms. Stefani’s high pitched voice…appealing to both animals and small children?
On 07/30/08 at 8:05 am
Jime said:
Wow, if dwarves were included she’d be, like…Snow White?
On 07/30/08 at 8:16 am
Trista said:
With a more extensive wardrobe.
On 07/30/08 at 8:27 am
Jime said:
And sans that irritating “prince” fellow.
On 07/30/08 at 8:02 pm
Trista said:
That guy is suuuuch a co-dependent!
On 07/30/08 at 9:59 am
Phoenix said:
Thats funny, because even though my kid is much older, the first song that she sang along with on the radio was “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt.
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You may be on to something here T…
On 07/30/08 at 10:20 am
Trista said:
I’m telling you!
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I might take a poll…I’m curious now…
On 07/30/08 at 7:45 am
Cassie said:
Well, as one who tore Barbie’s head off and fed it to the Tonka trucks….but STILL manages to like the OPPOSITE sex….let them play however they want, as long as no one is getting hurt!!!
On 07/30/08 at 7:59 am
Trista said:
Man! I STILL love Tonka trunks…they are just cooler than Barbies!
On 07/30/08 at 8:59 am
Cassie said:
YEAH THEY ARE!!
Nothing more fun to me than taking the 100 or so Hot Wheels we (my older brother and I) used to own and making an entire city in the dirt in out backyard!!! We had highways and everything!! LOL
On 07/30/08 at 9:16 am
Trista said:
Aaaahhh…hotwheels rule!
On 07/30/08 at 7:56 am
Layla said:
uummm, my dad asked Grannie to move in and “fix” me cuz all i wanted for my fourth birthday was a toolbelt and a football…..oh and a wrench (or was it a hammer?). Look at me now, all domestic and wearing dresses all the time! But I can still wrench on cars, love to ride motorcycles and cuss like a drunk sailor (ooohhh inspiration for halloween..a drunk sailor..YES!) It’s all good, let the wee ones explore, take it all in. Besides, if he is gay youcan ask him to redecorate your house in a few years..you’ll save a ton of money on an interior designer!
On 07/30/08 at 8:01 am
Trista said:
hahahahaha! You cuss like no one else, I definitely learned from the best, cuz!
On 07/30/08 at 8:56 am
Jeff said:
Makes perfect sense to me. I grew out of halloween very early. then I just went around dressed in normal clothes, and stole the candy from the baskets that had the signs “please take one”. I was a little brat. Probably still am. Although I have changed to not like the ones that take all the candy from the baskets that say “please take one”. Now I think its just rude! That comes from watching people at my job, the gas station, take like 9 pennies from the little penny jar that says “take A penny, leave A penny” not “take 9 pennies” fucking cheap bastards! Sorry, I am fresh off an overnight shift, and I am burned out. And although I am happy to finally have a job, I fucking hate my job! Someone needs to pay me, to just be myself. That, or I need a sugar momma!
On 07/30/08 at 9:14 am
Trista said:
Turn that frown upside down, love! You are working, making money, and that is what counts. See it as a stepping stone…and stay focused on where you are headed.
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And love those penny pilfering bastards…that’ll show em!
On 07/30/08 at 9:02 am
E said:
He’s five. By the time Halloween rolls around, he’ll want to be something different anyway.
On 07/30/08 at 9:08 am
Trista said:
So true! He’ll most likely change his mind 5 or 6 times by then.
On 07/30/08 at 9:20 am
Meghan said:
About the Barbie v Tonka Trucks thing…no contest. One year I had asked for large firetruck and got a Barbie instead. I then put her on the grill when it was still hot, causing quite a ritualistic looking mess! Maybe if I had the firetruck, assholes, I could have saved her!!!
On 07/30/08 at 9:24 am
Trista said:
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
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That must have been rather difficult to clean up, no?
On 07/30/08 at 9:32 am
Meghan said:
It wasn’t pretty. That long-legged bitch probably gave us all cancer from ever eating anything cooked off of that grill ever again.
And watching my father trying to pick plastic high heeled shoes out of the grates taught me some pretty great swears!
On 07/30/08 at 9:34 am
Jime said:
Hahahaaa, nice. Bet you dad’s hot dogs tasted like plastic for the next year.
On 07/30/08 at 9:45 am
Meghan said:
We might not have known what they put into our hot dogs in 1986, but we knew enough that they shouldn’t smell like burnt plastic hair!
On 07/30/08 at 9:28 am
Meghan said:
In addition, Naptime!…It’s my 1st day back in the role of Nanny - so parents and their misconceptions are all the rage for me today! I knew a little boy who loved to come to the playground dressed up in costumes. Not a purple pegasus, but any old random thing. Until his father found out and told the mother to stop indulging him because it looked ‘faggy’. It was really quite sad because this kid had this amazing inventive imagination and here’s his dad dragging him off a playground screaming and crying because he wants to run around in a pair of fucking Buzz Lightyear wings…
Apparently your children turn out exactly how you’d like them to when you are an overbearing prick and squash all their little 6 year old dreams. It’s a growing movement.
On 07/30/08 at 9:36 am
Trista said:
“Apparently your children turn out exactly how you’d like them to when you are an overbearing prick and squash all their little 6 year old dreams. It’s a growing movement.”
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Man that breaks my heart! My kids’ imaginations are so amazing to me…I cannot imagine wanting to squash it out of them! And I get called out by friends and family as being an over-indulgent mother. Well, I’d rather be over-indulgent than a dream-dasher!
On 07/30/08 at 9:43 am
Meghan said:
Seriously! Pick your battles, this isn’t one of them. I think sometimes people have to take a step back and ask themselves ‘Ok, what is the Master Plan here?’ When it comes to fostering and supporting a child’s right to use their imagination - is there such a thing as over indulgence? Obviously they don’t have to start calling him ‘Buzz’, but can’t he pretend to soar? What little kid doesn’t want to fly? I want to fly and I’m 30! Cutting off your child’s wings only leaves you with a wounded bird.
On 07/30/08 at 9:57 am
Phoenix said:
Okay, I agree with the first half of your advice.
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However, I absolutely disagree with the second half.
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I think telling the kid he doesn’t want to wear it because he may get teased is the wrong message. There should not be two different rules for appearance at home and in public. That is all about shame. And about sheltering children from reality, instead of helping them learn to cope with it.
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Instead, I would send him as he wants. If he was teased then you use that as a lesson for him. Remind him not to do it to others because he knows how it feels. Talk to him about what he can say to the kids who teaseed about how it made him feel. Tell him that doing your thing that is completely harmless to others sometimes means you’ll get teased, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it. Raise a confident leader, not an ashamed follower.
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But if everything else you say is true (about kids not caring about anything else except it looked cool), then he may not get teased at all.
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Never underestimate the power of sparkle as a distraction to kindergarteners. :p
On 07/30/08 at 10:15 am
Jime said:
That’s excellent council, Phoenix. I agree completely. My sister must have come to the same conclusion when Eli wanted to jet off to kindergarten with his pink lunchbox, because she let him do his thing. Shame is one tricky bastard. It hides inside good intentions.
On 07/30/08 at 10:15 am
Trista said:
I understand what you are saying, completely. But I also have a very sensitive 6 year old who just completed Kindergarten…and I would have never sent him into the war-zone without armor. I never thought that the fights and tormenting would start so early…but it did. So if this were my child wanting to go in with the purple and the spangles, I would have to warn him.
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He is a well-rounded kid, but he has learned the harsh realities of Big Boy school already. Kindergarten delivers some harsh blows, even for things as seemingly insignificant as glasses or a new hair cut. Sending a boy in unprepared is not something I would do, personally.
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Now my youngest on the other hand would probably blaze in there impervious to the laughter and teasing and end up starting a new trend…because his self-assuredness knows no bounds and that DOES make a difference. So this might be a situation where you need to know your own kid too…
On 07/30/08 at 10:31 am
Meghan said:
Agreed. My favorite 9 year old wanted to do this INSANE, completely unrehearsed song he wrote for a talent show. He’s a pretty confident kid, most of life rolls off his back - but I knew he was going to get crap from a few of my least favorite 9 year olds. We felt obligated to sit him down and let him know what he might be in for.
After all - I wouldn’t send an adult in my life into a blind gauntlet…why would I a child??
On 07/30/08 at 10:38 am
Trista said:
Oh, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with sheltering my kids a bit from cold, cruel reality either. I’m not trying to raise my boys in a bubble…but I don’t think they need to be doused daily in a reality shower either. For me, telling him that people might laugh, and that it is due to their issues, not him, is the right thing to do. I would much rather prepare him for that and then let him make his own decision.
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And I think even as an adult their are certain behaviors that I keep at home too…not out of shame necessarily, but out of..a sense of privacy perhaps? So I don’t see it as shameful to have a different set of behaviors at home. I think THAT is a reality. We can sit around at home with underwear on our heads eating fried chicken with our feet…we aren’t going to do that at KFC.
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What, your family doesn’t do that?
On 07/30/08 at 10:44 am
Jime said:
So…doing that at KFC is a bad thing, then? Damn. I have lots to learn about life and fast food establishments.
On 07/30/08 at 10:51 am
Meghan said:
OMG! Recently witnessed reality shower shocked me! I was checking in w/a mother about how her IVF trial was going, it’s all she talks about - inappropriate playground chat? Her 4 year old comes up and asks what we’re talking about and she bends down and gives him a verbal map of Mommy’s Uterus!!!!!!!!! WTF, lady? Tell him we were talking about sidewalk chalk!
On 07/30/08 at 11:48 am
Phoenix said:
I agree that the individual child should be considered when deciding what to do. But the general advice I would give is above.
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I also agree that of course kids need to learn that it’s ok to walk around in your undies at home and not at school, but the behavior in question was nothing that was inappropriate for public.
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AND I also agree that the kid could be sent in there with a warning, but not with advice not to wear the costume. I didn’t mean to imply that you should “send him in unprepared”, but there is a difference between suggesting the kid wear a second costume to avoid a POSSIBLE negative emotion, and letting him know what he might be up against and then letting him decide for himself.
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And just in case it’s not clear, I’m not advocating “letting your kid do it because they want to” either. I just think the only thing stopping the writer are his own issues, and it’s not fair to pass those on to the kid.
On 07/30/08 at 12:12 pm
Trista said:
Completely fair, and agreed.
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I stand by my advice, a second outfit isn’t a bad offering, with an explanation as to why its being offered. It’s tricky, because I wouldn’t want my kid to feel badly about his desire for the costume, but I also would much rather he hear the about the possible reactions from me, rather than just experience it at school. Realize that it’s not just other 5 year olds he will be facing as Sparkles, but an entire Elementary School. We are talking tactless 10 and 11 year old boys here.
On 07/30/08 at 12:20 pm
Phoenix said:
Of course you stand by your advice…you are not afraid of dissenting opinions, and that says a lot about your character.
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And I know the whole thought process that led to the advice is protecting those that (at times) cannot protect themselves. So when it comes to our own children, well, all I can say is momma tiger does what she has to do. ;>
On 07/30/08 at 1:25 pm
Rex said:
GOD. Get a room, you two.