The Battle of Cupid

Welcome to “He said, She said”, where we take a common question or topic and see if members of the opposite sex can get on the same page, or if they’ll have to agree to disagree. Today’s topic:

Singles or couples, who reigns supreme on February 14th?

He Said:

Single on Valentine’s Day?

Don’t hate it. Embrace it. I’ve had the absolute joy of being single on every major holiday for the past four years. I have a very calendar-aware strategy of dating. The way I see it, the last time I had a girlfriend through an entire year’s worth of holidays, I spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $3000. Multiply that by my four years of singletude (yes, I just made that word up) and you get $12000!! Now THAT is something to celebrate.

Sure we’d all love to have someone special on this, the King of retail manufactured holidays, but think about it - would you REALLY like to be the recipient of some mass produced greeting card or some really unoriginal low quality red roses that are marked up 800 percent and a Whitman’s Sampler? Of course there are guys out there with some imagination that would actually take the time to hand write a message from his heart, cook your favorite dinner for you in front of a roaring fire, buy you a giant bouquet of your actual favorite flowers, and peek in your underwear drawer to get the correct size lingerie.

But you haven’t found him yet, have you? I’d much rather NOT settle for the former and happily wait for the latter. Why? Because someone that listens, is that thoughtful and considerate would probably make every day feel like Valentine’s Day. If you ask me, being single beats the crap out of a generic card and a box of fat.

Enough!

Don’t fret. I have several options for you to have a really great time as a single person on Valentine’s Day!

- One of my favorite V-Day activities requires a little planning. Make a reservation at the finest restaurant in town for February 14th at 8PM. Get dressed up. I mean, look really nice. Arrive at the restaurant on time and take your seat at your table. Order a drink. Then, just as the restaurant is finally full of happy couples, start weeping at your table uncontrollably. If anyone asks, just tell them that you are sitting at the very table where you proposed to her - just before the tragic accident.

- This one requires it to be raining. Buy a few thousand of those little red cinnamon hearts. When these things get wet, they stick just like Krazy Glue^TM. Take them to the parking lot at any popular V-Day destination and just throw them in the air by the handful so they land on all the cars. Run.

- Sticking with the fine dining theme, try this one out for fun. Take a tour of all the great eateries in your town. Each time you arrive at one, storm in and make a beeline for a table with a random happy couple. Walk up and look at the guy/girl and scream; “I thought I meant something to you!!!” If you feel like you can get away with it, throw water in his or her face.

- Stay home, order pizza, get drunk, watch porn and masturbate. You really don’t even need to shower. How great is that?

- Start drinking. Go through your list of old girlfriend or boyfriend’s phone numbers and start calling them in no particular order. The conversation should go like this (if he or she answers):

You: You single?
Him/Her: Yes.
You: Wanna have sex?

If you receive a no to either question, hang up and keep dialing. “I’m all alone on Valentine’s Day sex” is usually really good.

- Lastly, if you are an internet junkie, go read every blog you can find about how much Valentine’s Day sucks and leave this comment:

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Why don’t you get off the damn computer, go out into the real world and find a man you SINGLE LOSER!!!!”

Yeah, that about covers it. If you can’t have fun with one of these spectacular ideas, maybe you should stay single, being that you have no sense of humor.

She Said:

WOW! Who can argue with saving $12,000 on holiday gifts for people who are no longer in your life? Being a woman who has a tendency to go over-board when it comes to gift giving, I can’t imagine how many pairs of shoes I could’ve bought had I adhered to T. Brad’s dating tactics.

That being said, when it comes to the psychological warfare that we’re all subjected to, especially on February 14th, I think those who are engaged in coupledom win the battle hands down. I have had one, yes one and only one, Valentine’s Day that was not only memorable, but romantic and thoughtful. I was the recipient of a gift that still makes my heart swoon years after our break-up, a handmade card, dinner by the fire and a bouquet of my favorite flowers. It was truly a magical night that rivaled a Daniel Steel novel.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I was drug into Cupid’s lair kicking and screaming. I had no intention of participating in what I perceived to be a trite and over commercialized holiday. Why did we need one day to express our love and gratitude for one another? Shouldn’t we be doing that every day? My now former husband explained to me, that V-Day is liken to a Birthday. We celebrate being alive everyday but this one day in particular is just a little extra special. Knowing my love of Birthdays, he had me convinced.

You see, couples have it easy as long as their expectations, or preferably lack there of, are in proper order. If you love, adore, respect and cherish one another all year long, this is the one day to celebrate it. Singles on the other hand are looked upon as though they’re lepers; societal outcasts who must be plagued with some horrific disease that keeps someone, anyone from loving them. For an entire 24-hours they, the singles of the world, will not only be subjected to the hoards of couples engaging in boisterous public displays of affection, but they’ll also be the recipients of sympathetic glances.

No freakin’ thank you! Honestly, if you’re a card carrying member of “Singles Awareness Day” you may as well lock yourself in the house, crawl into bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and wait for the storm to blow over. On the other hand, if you’ve managed to land yourself a Valentine enjoy it, enjoy each other… hold your head high and your loved one’s hand knowing that for at least one day you are being celebrated!

Our guest writer T. Brad Hudson is a full time dad and a part time comedian living large in MD. Go check out him out here