The Bext Ex-Wife, Ever!
September 29, 2008 · Print This Article
Little excites me more in this life than my kiddos. Oh sure, a night of all-consuming, down-n-dirty, multi-orgasmic passion brings a different level of bliss to my life. I won’t deny it! No doubt, winning the lottery would result in my dancing around naked and singing my joy from the mountaintops. Can you just envision it now? Me, poetically turning along my path of pirouettes, while doling out copious amounts of hard cash along the way! *sigh*
There is normal daily excitement and then there is “other” excitement. In the day to day, nothing excites me more than being a great mom to my son and daughter. Where some parents find the daily stuff to be mundane, it is where I know my greatest purpose is being served. It is in the daily interractions my children have learned some of the most important life lessons. It’s rarely what we are doing that matters, it is how we are choosing to do something. Cooking eggs on a Saturday may be dull to most. However, to us, it’s an opportunity to share a task, sing songs and make up goofy words. It’s learning, cooking and entertainment!
Coming a close second to that daily pleasure is finding new and creative ways to be a great ex-wife. Yes, you heard me right. When their dad left me five years ago, I was immediately committed to the idea of being The Best Ex-Wife, Ever. I am sure there were moments I fantasized about The Best Ex Trophy. In my head, I recall thinking, “if you are going to leave me, you are going to miss me and end up begging for me to take you back.” Perhaps I planned on being the Best Ex-Wife ever with a secret hope he would change his mind about the divorce. I figured I would kill his hatred with my love. Like that works!
The irony is that it did, in fact, work. It just didn’t work as I had envisioned. Once that initial rush of spiteful energy passed, I realized I actually DID want to be the Best Ex-Wife, Ever. At that point, it had nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with my children. I wanted to be my best “everything” for them. I wanted to be loving, kind, forgiving, understanding and all other things for them. However, to be those things for them, I needed to be those things with their daddy, too. In theory, it sounded good and felt right. In practice, it took a while. Divorce is never pretty, especially with children involved.
I will admit the first year post-divorce was not easy. There was anger and hurt on both sides, much undefined. Other than settling into a Parenting Plan and getting adjusted to the major changes divorce brings, I can’t say we accomplished much in the way of forging a positive parenting relationship during that first year. However, by the time our daughter was turning two and our son was almost four-years-old, things slowly began to change. My ex started dating a woman he really liked. I wanted my kids to know, unequivocally, that their dad’s happiness was a good thing. I wanted my kids to know that liking another woman did not diminish their love for me. I did NOT want my kids to feel any of the classic guilt most kids feel when given the opportunity to form a relationship with one parent’s new interest. As a result, they do have a great relationship with the woman destined to be their step-mom. Showing her respect is a natural extension of showing their father respect.
Flash forward. Our kids are six and seven-years-old. Their father and I are still (and often!) mistaken for being married at the ballfield or at their school. The truth is, we probably get along better than most married couples. We talk, we laugh, we email and share every detail regarding our kids. We stay on the same page because we know it’s the best thing for our kids. Turns out, it’s the best thing for us, too.
When people ask me how we do it, I say what works for us borders on things we learned in Kindergarten. For us, it basically falls under five key rules:
1) Be honest and Kind. Seriously. You don’t have to be a bitch or a bastard. Use common courtesy such as please and thank you. Manners are easily noticed and set the right example for your kids.
2) Admitting when you are wrong is imperative. Admit it to each other, preferably in front of the kids. “I was wrong about the field trip date”, is so simple. It also shows your kids that adults make mistakes,too.
3.) Be flexible and creative in your parenting plan. Instead of four full weeks during the year, it works much better for my ex (and our kids!) for him to keep the kids every other Tuesday. Don’t get stuck in the laws or rules of others, find what works for you and your kids.
4.) Share accomplishments openly. For example, I don’t sign report cards until he sees them. We communicate about classroom plays, activities and other things we should both know about. There is no exclusion, only inclusion. We share in the joy of being parents as often as possible. We laugh over silly stuff the kids do at each of our houses. Humor really does heal.
5.) Don’t take each other for granted. Remember, the marriage is likely over ,in part, because one or both took the other for granted. WIthout blowing smoke up my ex’s ass, I let him know how much I appreciate his support and involvement. He is at almost every practice, every game and at any school meeting upon request. I am grateful my kids have such a loving and involved father. Not all kids are that lucky.
Believe it or not, it’s the little things which make co-parenting so much easier. Basic honesty, kindness, compassion and understanding. It’s so simple, I feel a bit like an idiot writing about it! Often, I hear what a total asshat someone’s ex may be and how what works for us could never work for them. Tell you what, I’ll accept that you don’t think there can be any change. I just ask that you consider that change is possible. Truly, it started working for us when I decided his response was not relevant to my actions. Over time, his responses changed. Maybe the difference was making the decision for himself and not being coerced into “my” way
What about you? What works for you or someone you know in the co-parenting arena?
On 09/29/08 at 3:11 am
lisaq said:
A lot of people could take a page out of your book. Sadly, most kids of divorced parents are perpetually stuck in the middle of ugliness and hate. My girls, while not stuck there, also did not have their dad involved. We got along well and I absolutely stayed positive where he was concerned especially in front of them. But he had other priorities. I can count the number of activities he attended on one hand and the time they spent with him on the other. You have my admiration girl. It’s not an easy task to accomplish. Your kids are very lucky to have you both.
On 09/29/08 at 5:52 am
Carol said:
You know…I take that as one of the best compliments, ever. I know a lot of wonderful moms who really struggle with their ex-husbands. For me, it was the last great challenge of our marriage. Seriously. Okay,the marriage failed…whatever….this divorce is going to be as successful as possible!
Our kids are lucky. Just this week, my ex has to travel. So, we adjusted days, no problem. There was a time early in our divorce where EVERYTHING seemed to be an issue. It took a long time of me biting my tongue before we reached the peaceful place we know now. It really is ALL about the kids. There have been times I would call him and say, “hey, no guilt…I know your schedule has sucked…but the kids REALLY miss you. What do you think is a good solution?” Invariably, he would pick them up that day, or as soon as he stepped off a plane. But, it was me learning how to not make those choices for him. I trust now, deeper than ever, that he will always put our kids first.
On 09/29/08 at 6:29 am
~Lori~ said:
I enjoyed this blog. My ex, sent me a text one nite, when things were going rough for him, which said, “you are my favorite ex-wife”, made me laugh, considering I’m his only ex-wife.
We went through some rough things at the end, but a lot of years of standing by each other, we both love the kids beyond measure. I’m about the only woman he trusts, the love is still there, but has evolved, we both know being together again is not an option, but we can be friends, he has even called me his best friend, funny how that happens after the marriage has happened, a little backwards.
Most people think we are still married when around each other, the way we interact and pick at each other. Comes with the familiarity of all those years. It may strike some as strange, but when I was in TX this summer, I stayed at his house, (my own room tyvm, ;p). But it works for us, and the kids are happy and that is what matters the most.
So more power to you, ex-couples forget it’s the children that come first, when eaten up with bitterness and anger. Which is really sad.
On 09/29/08 at 6:33 am
~Lori~ said:
“funny how that happens after the marriage has happened” I meant ended, not near enough coffee in me yet, but I’m sure you get what I mean ;p
On 09/29/08 at 6:48 am
Carol said:
Screw me…you are the The Best Ex Wife, EVER!!! I’ve heard of couples who can stay at each others homes, etc….we are not at that level. Then again, we do live in the same town, so there is not a logical reason to require it. Triple yay for you two…your kids have no doubt benefitted immeasurably from seeing the two of you move past the hurt and into a mature friendship.
Did you ever remarry? Or, do you joke about him also being your favorite ex husband? I’d be very curious how old your kids were when you divorced, versus how old they are now.
Yes. I am full of questions. I just know I’m going to learn something new today…
On 09/29/08 at 9:54 am
~Lori~ said:
Lmao! No, I have not remarried, nor has he. I did have someone in my life that it might have been a possibility, but it didn’t work out. Honestly, I don’t see him remarrying, he has as much said so to both me and the kids, for his own personality and reasons, (I will leave that one alone ;p), he did tell my oldest he didn’t need another ex, plus he still felt kinda married to me, go figure. Myself, maybe, if the right one came along, but I don’t hold my breath.
We tend to contact each other when anything major in our lives occurs, habit? or maybe because we do know each other so well? Not sure. At the same time though, he picks on me, after a bit, because of that familiarity, but it’s not hateful, during the summer though, more than once I would grab my gf and say lets go get beer, I need a break. LOL.
Our daughters were about 14 and 9, (they are now, 12 and almost 18) the older one realized more of what went on than the younger one. She didn’t fare as well, she now lives with dad, and the younger with me, but now they both thrive.
All I know it works for us, most people think it’s strange, others, really think it is amazing/great and wish they could get along with their ex’s the way we do.
It’s not perfect, but I think each person has to make up their mind of how they want to relate to the ex, and hopefully they will both come to an understanding over time.
I don’t know if that helps you or not, but I will say this, 1700 miles distance helped a lot in my situation, now I know I could live in the same town as him without a problem, but back then was not happening. Think it is a lot harder to see your ex move on, at such close range.
On 09/29/08 at 10:19 am
Carol said:
Wow…I never would have guessed split custody was part of it! That is something I hope never happens with us. But, I have already told my ex that IF and WHEN either child wants to try living with him, I wouldn’t shoot the idea down. Ours are so close in age and spirit, I have a hard time imagining one without the other. Plus, we do give the kids some flex time to spend extra time with him as time allows.
I think you are right. Being in the same town, ten miles between us (if that)…made things a bit more stressful in certain ways when we first divorced. But, that was part of our agreement,too. I literally said, “Tell me where you want me to live…”, basically. He picked two areas and I decided on the one we are both located now. I think it’s made it much easier for our kids to not feel isolated in anyway. Then again, our kids were MUCH younger than yours when we divorced.
You still get boo-coo points for the relationship you have fostered with him. What a great example you set for your kids.
On 09/29/08 at 7:19 am
Karri said:
Whipper Snappers or not, it is possible for ex’s to have a relationship that supersedes divorce. As with any relationship, kindness and honesty must be at the forefront of our interaction with others. I’d like to believe that if my ex and I would have had little ones we’d still get along just as well if not better.
On 09/29/08 at 7:28 am
Carol said:
Good point! I will admit that the only relationship I truly care about maintaining at this level is with the father of my children. I have good friendships with past relationships and quasi-relationships. But, getting along with them is not nearly as important to me as keeping things healthy with my “baby daddy”. Maybe because I don’t speak to them nearly as often…and my interractions with their dad are daily.
You are the poster girl for staying friends with exes!
On 09/29/08 at 9:58 am
Karri said:
I suppose I am, but to me, it’s just worth it! I’d be lost without the love and support of those who know my deep dark secrets.
On 09/29/08 at 10:20 am
Carol said:
*giggle* How many exes does it take to hold the vast plethora of dirty Karri secrets? Come on…you do not have that many!
On 09/29/08 at 2:29 pm
Karri said:
The ex to secret ratio is fairly even as long as we aren’t counting that one mishap back in the early 90’s!
On 09/29/08 at 3:50 pm
Carol said:
LOL…the early nineties don’t count.
On 09/29/08 at 7:37 am
teri~michelle said:
I wish it could be this way between me and the ex. I’m working on it and he seems to be drifting towards a better place. So we’ll see. Now that I’ve got my head on straight again maybe he will follow my lead. I don’t want him back, I just want him more involved. The kids are in desperate need of their father, I wish he could see that.
great write Carol…just great ;o)
xoxoox
On 09/29/08 at 7:51 am
Carol said:
I think that first year is, by far, the toughest. In our case, there was so much anger, hurt, resentment and everything else….seeing anything too clearly after that is hard, in general. I literally just kept telling myself that HIS response did not matter. I just had to calmly keep repeating the same message. He was always involved with the kids…it was his responses and energy toward me that changed over time. Trust me…our kids notice the change and the energy between us. It makes them very happy to see us get along, even pick at each other and just laugh together. Just like parents want to see their kids happy….I’m convinced kids just want to see their parents happy!
On 09/29/08 at 10:16 am
teri~michelle said:
I agree with you completely here. My issue is this..we’ve been divorced since ‘04..we are now both single again. So when the kids see us getting along and joking around, they start to assume that we can or will get back together. I have been dealing with this issue for awhile now, though he has not had to. Nor has he seen the kids since Labor Day. So right now just getting him involved on a regular schedule would be great..the rest will either fall into place on both sides or it won’t. Personally, I’m like you..regardless of his response(s) I will continue to do all I can to be the “best ex-wife ever”….
xoxo
On 09/29/08 at 10:24 am
Carol said:
LOL…I think the fact my ex has a fiance makes it pretty damn clear we won’t be getting back together, ever!!! You should hear my son tell it like it is….I mentioned a few years ago that I would always love their dad. My son, strong and determined to tell me the honest trust, coughs and looks at me…dead serious, “Mom…he does NOT love you. ” I then had the opportunity to begin explaining to my kids that people love differently….and it was actually a good lesson to learn. It still cracks me up though.
If your kids are still vocaling their desire for you two to get back together…I guess all you can do is be as clear as possible with them. I think kids seem to always harbor some hope for that…even when they know, logically, it’s not going to happen.
On 09/29/08 at 8:12 am
Dr. Joker said:
Today, I picked up my daughter at her mom’s to take her to school. She had a nice white dress shirt, black vest and black pinstripe pants…very cute for an 8yr old…with the exception of the pink ugg boots. This is my ex-wife’s idea of fashion. I immediately sent her back in to put on a pair of black shoes.
What would work for me is for my ex-wife to move to Uganda or at least move out of the trailer park in her head….You know what they say. You can take the girl out of the trailer park….
On 09/29/08 at 8:24 am
Carol said:
Rob…I got nothing for you on this one. Mostly because I know laughin is catching…and my daughter is VERY likely to insist on some incredibly “out of season” or “out of place” fashion in her years to come. And, unlike you, in most likliehood, would allow her to venture into her day with her own choice.
From what you have shared of your daughter, I’m surprised the boots were her mom’s idea. She seems plenty strong enough to say no!
On 09/29/08 at 8:58 am
Dr. Joker said:
When I saw her walking toward my car, I said “Um, what’s this all about?” She told me “I told mom I wanted to wear the brown shoes and she told me the pink ones were better!”
When an 8yr old has better fashion sense than an adult, something is wrong with that picture.
On 09/29/08 at 9:39 am
Carol said:
LOL…I’m surprised Little Miss gave in!
On 09/29/08 at 9:06 am
Matty said:
You just described my relationship with my ex. Once a person realizes that the war is over, hatred and disdain seem to melt away and it is good for the children.
“Their father and I are still (and often!) mistaken for being married at the ballfield or at their school. The truth is, we probably get along better than most married couples. We talk, we laugh, we email and share every detail regarding our kids. We stay on the same page because we know it’s the best thing for our kids. Turns out, it’s the best thing for us, too.”
Bingo.
On 09/29/08 at 9:41 am
Carol said:
It’s good to hear that so many others feel the same way! It really is best for all of us to get along. Surprisingly,some of my best laughs lately have been shared with him. It’s so much nicer now that we can poke fun and laugh at stuff, instead of allowing it to stress us out. There was a time it totally stressed us both out!
On 09/29/08 at 9:16 am
Fiona said:
My ex husband hasn’t shown his stupid face since the day I told him to get out. It’s the best thing he could have done for me and my daughter. 5 years later she doesn’t have to deal with someone who wouldn’t know the truth if it hit him over the head.
Now, HE’S the best ex-husband ever…..
On 09/29/08 at 9:44 am
Carol said:
I know I’m a sap…but stories and realities like yours break my heart. I can not imagine our daughter developing the right sense of self-esteem and a healthy view of relationships had her father and I not worked to the place we are in now.
That being said, I know plenty of kids who have ZERO relationship with one parent or the other and they seem to find a way to compensate for that “loss”.
On 09/29/08 at 9:53 am
Fiona said:
It was no loss, trust me. If he had remained in her life she would be one messed up kid. Don’t be sad, be glad, I just got an e-mail from a woman who wanted closure who was with him for 13 years, through BOTH his marriages. Hence I discover child number 5. 5 different mothers.
On 09/29/08 at 10:06 am
Trista said:
Children need positive figures in their lives, both male and female. My ex husband, like Fiona’s, fell far short of that mark. So I, like Fiona, feel that his leaving our lives was best for everyone involved. When he was in their lives he was a chaotic force, since he left it they have become much calmer, and much more stable. And they have amazing male role models, in the form of my father, who has been in their lives completely since birth, and now my amazing boyfriend, who is more of a father to them than their sperm donor ever was.
I know you mean well when you say you feel bad, Carol, but as Fiona stated, it truly is misplaced and unnecessary. Though my family’s situation may be an unconventional one, it works well for all parties involved. My kids are happy, healthy, and surrounded by love and support. what more can we ask for, really?
On 09/29/08 at 10:31 am
Carol said:
Oy…didn’t mean for it to be interpreted that way! I meant what I said…It does hurt me to know ANY child isn’t completely and utterly adored and loved by their parents and extended family. But, I also specified I know plenty of situations where there isn’t really a “loss” because something else (like your dad your your boyfriend, for example) do compensate for the male role model.
Bottom line…I think we all make the best decisions possible for our kids. We have to be willing to make hard choices, too. I totally get what you mean by eliminating chaos and so forth from your boys’ lives.
oh…and just for the record…I know just as many kids under the same roof as both parents…yet they only have a real-ationship with one parent. I think the key is healthy relationships, period. Preferably with more than one adult in their life.
On 09/29/08 at 12:06 pm
Fiona said:
Trista, nail, head, hit. Thank you for conveying that so well…. I suppose you ARE the writer
My father is Mouse’s “stand in dad”, as he put it. I could ask for nothing more.
On 09/29/08 at 3:45 pm
Meghan said:
Awww. My nickname from my folks is Mouse! Must go call them!
On 09/29/08 at 4:14 pm
Kiki said:
Mouse is such a cute nickname
My parents called me Fanny (huh??!!) or Malim (has some cute foreign meaning that I forget).
On 09/29/08 at 10:26 am
Carol said:
<—speechless. Awestruck that someone could contribute nothing more than DNA to a life they helped create.
On 09/29/08 at 9:50 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
Too many people continue to wage war with each other post divorce and the children are the weapon of choice. It is sick, but who am i to complain? I make my living that way.
My ex and I seem to be the best of friends and people also think we are still together. We do it for our child otherwise the bitch could die for all I care. Bitter party of one - four years out and still strong
On 09/29/08 at 9:53 am
Karri said:
“otherwise the bitch could die for all I care.”
*GASP*
I would be utterly heartbroken if my ex felt that way about me!
On 09/29/08 at 10:53 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
did you have an affair with one of his clients that was in a divorce, being charged with domestic violence and being fired for sexual harrasment?
Changes the dynamic a bit.
On 09/29/08 at 2:27 pm
Karri said:
Point taken.
You win!
On 09/29/08 at 10:35 am
Carol said:
*ouch*
Well, I won’t make any assumptions, but if you are that bitter, would it be fair to say she is the one who left? I know that was a big part of why I was initially bitter in my heart. I just refused to allow that bitterness after nine or ten months. It was time to let it go…however I had to make that happen.
Regardless, it’s great that you can put your kid ahead of anything else, including pride. Makes me wonder if my ex could ever say anything quite like you did about me…or if he is just faking it really well. Then again…it doesn’t really matter, does it?
On 09/29/08 at 10:54 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
Yep she left and in truth I was not that bitter until she recently asked if I would mind if her boyfriend (see above) moved in with her and my daughter. Brought it all back up
On 09/29/08 at 11:11 am
Carol said:
I think I would have to consider going back to court if my ex was involved with someone I honestly felt could negatively impact or harm our children. If Mr. Domestic Abuse Professional Sexual Harrasser Man came within five feet of my kids…I would likely take out a restraining order!
I hope for your own sake, you were honest about WHY you would not that man living in the same house as your child. Hopefully, she is intelligent enough to realize the full scope of the issues.
On 09/29/08 at 11:37 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
I was honest and she was aware of the issues. In fact my divorce cuased a good deal of issues for our state bar. Normally an attorney can not disclose info about his client except when being sued by his client. I asked for a state ethic opinion about disclosing to my attorney info about my wifes love(my client) for purposes of custody.
Nasty mess. Again I was over the bitterness. This has just made me angry all over again
On 09/29/08 at 12:02 pm
Carol said:
Sending you all the positive mojo I can muster. It never ceases to shock me that all the laws are supposed to be ” in the best interest of the child”…and yet the laws aren’t really in their best interest.
On 09/29/08 at 10:52 am
Melanie said:
I like your point that we can really only control our own actions and responses. Hopefully, we will get the desired responses from others based on what we put out there. It’s a you-get-what-you-give kind of deal.
On 09/29/08 at 11:14 am
Carol said:
LOL…if my ex only ever got what he gave….that would have been not so much initially! But, we both gave each other a hard time…about different things. And, I know my part now…so, yes, I can own it and move forward. It really has nothing to do with someone else’s response. Rarely, ever. But, do we take actions based on who we are and what we believe? That is what matters most. Eventually, the truth is clear and simple. It just took us a while to get to it, together.
On 09/29/08 at 1:56 pm
pecosa said:
I’m fighting the urge to say I tried. I really am.
If I had my way, I would be in the same situation. Sadly though, some people just aren’t interested or refuse to understand that coming in and out of a child’s life that they created is not healthy.
I think it’s better to not have a male influence around at all that a bad one altogether.
On 09/29/08 at 3:54 pm
Carol said:
You know, I have to agree with you. If you have seen the results of the in and out…versus not at all..only YOU know for sure. I think there are situations where one side is simply not interested in truly being a parent…and in those cases, I think it’s exceptionally difficult to work through that issue.
Despite the fact it sounds atrocious, I think the best think my ex ever could have done for himself, myself and our kids was to leave the marriage. Our kids are clear he did not leave THEM…he left ME.
On 09/29/08 at 2:07 pm
Kiki said:
My parents divorced when I was 11 and it was AWFUL. Me and my youngers sibs were total pawns in the who-can-hurt-who-the-most game. My mum moved up 350 miles away from our dad. He married the secretary he was diddling. Mum took dad to court multiple times for more and more child support as his business did better and better. We were told constantly that HE was an asshole. I hated him mainly from what my mum said about him, and the fact he kept a very unsubtle distance from us emotionally. It wasn’t until I was an adult I decided to forgive BOTH of my parents for being totally irrational and just plain mean to each other, and for using us as pawns. Now I don’t have that great a relationship with my dad as he is remarried (third time lucky perhaps) and is concentrating on his way more successful step children. I don’t expect too much from him. It hurts that I can’t have the sort of father I want in my life.
But my mum is great. She and I have a more open, more flexible, more equal relationship as adults. I know she’s not perfect, she made heaps of mistakes. But she tells me and shows me all the time that she loves me and supports me, and that means so much more to me than any residual hurt I have from my childhood. I finally really believe its the people who are in your life here and now that are the important ones, the ones who you should love and appreciate. I miss her a lot as she lives in France.
On 09/29/08 at 2:12 pm
Kiki said:
ANd I should add, to echo Trista’s comments above, my stepdad is INCREDIBLE. He’s the father figure that my real father chooses not to be. Even though I was an adult when my mother married him, he has accepted me and my sibs whole heartedly and the fact he cherishes my mother just makes him all the more fabulous
On 09/29/08 at 3:58 pm
Carol said:
My parents almost divorced when I was twelve. I have often wondered how things would have panned out had they stayed separated and ultimately divorced. However, they have been married to each other for almost 44 years. Their marriage does not make our relationship any stronger…nor does it make them “better” than any parents who choose to divorce.
I wish I had the kind of support you have with your mum with either one of my parents. Mine live an hour up the road, I’ve seen them once in the past year and it was not a very good experience for any of us. I miss my parents…and they are not thousands of physical miles away.
On 09/29/08 at 4:21 pm
Kiki said:
(((hugs))) Carol. I think my relationship with my mum is essential to my mental health. I can (and sadly do) live quite satisfactorily without my dad in my life. But I need my mum. For advice, support, an ear or a shoulder. She’s someone I can say anything to and who I will hear anything from.
It sounds to be that you’re well on your way to being that kind of a mother, you obviously adore your children and work hard to be the best you can be
which is so lovely to read! My mum put more effort into our adult relationship than our childhood one. Better late than never!
On 09/29/08 at 4:59 pm
Carol said:
I want to be the kind of mom to my kids that you know with you mum today. I don’t think they will ever doubt, for one minute, just how much they are loved, appreciated and adored. We simply won’t let them forget. It doesn’t mean we do not discipline them…by all means, we certainly do. But, I am also old school and think kids crave a certain amount of discipline.
On 09/29/08 at 3:44 pm
Meghan said:
Well, no ex-husbands here. Seeing as how my last relationship ended because I wouldn’t marry the man I dodged the divorce papers by the skin of my teeth.
Congrats on your pulling this off, Carol. Unfortunately I don’t know too many who have been able to break down those barriers. They may equally love and respect their children, but pretty much hope the other walks into traffic.
I’d like to think I would have the Master Plan approach. What am I trying to accomplish for my children…love, support, health, happiness. Would I get there if I steeped in bitterness? No.
After reading all the comments I keep thinking about an EVE T-Shirt that says ‘Ladies, Please Stop Marrying Your Ex-Husbands’…kidding
On 09/29/08 at 4:02 pm
Carol said:
M, I often say we are blessed in the co-parenting arena. What we have is not perfect…but it is leaps and bounds better than what either of us could have expected early on. Now, it’s almost a pleasure to share the details…and there is a sick sense of satisfaction we both share when things crop up with our kids at both places. We know we are doing right by our kids…no matter what happened between us.
It’s interesting though. Because of what we went through, I don’t know that I ever really want to get married again. I like the idea of a constant partner, but not perhaps one in a traditional role.
On 09/29/08 at 4:37 pm
Heather said:
I would be the first one to stand up and testify as to the truth behind your words. I have met both of you, I have been around both of you at the same time, I have seen how you interact, and I have been with you right after you have been around him. I know it truly is a labor of love for you and I also know that the respect I see between you both is something that I have never seen in my life between divorced people.
You truly make it seem effortless.
On 09/29/08 at 5:00 pm
Carol said:
Testify! That made me smile more than you know, Heather! And yes, you have seen us interract in both calm and stressful moments. I don’t know that I make it seem effortless..but it makes me smile to think for a second you you believe it.
I miss you, woman. I really, really miss you!
On 09/30/08 at 6:53 pm
Missygail said:
Super mom!
My ex and I, work alright. We don’t fight and I go to the birthday parties him and his girlfriend throw for our children and I get to see all the family pictures that they have up, as if the girlfriend birthed them. When we were married my ex couldn’t be bothered to come with us at the one portrait we had taken. So, I looked like a single mom even before I was one.
I’m not out to be the best Ex wife ever.
My ex is around when it’s convenient for him. I mean he does see his children on a regular basis and pays his child support. Though he’s better at being an involved dad when he’s with someone. You know to show off…
I’ve been lucky cause this relationship has lasted longer than his other relationships.
I don’t tell him about the parent teacher conferences anymore because one time I was sick and I could not go. Since I go to school and I’m not always around to talk to the teachers, these are important to me. I begged my ex to go. He didn’t. No explanation, nothing.
He told the kids this year he wants to go to the parent teacher conferences, but I’m afraid he’ll bring the girlfriend and I really don’t think she has a place there.
On 10/4/08 at 10:41 am
Carol said:
MissyGail…I am not necessarily Super Mom…but my kids think I am. Their opinions are the only ones which truly matter to me.
I agree with you…a girlfriend does not belong at a PARENT teacher conference. That being said, I would hope my kiddos’ soon to be step mom would attend with us. I don’t want her to be excluded. She has never had children and has given up that option by choosing to marry my ex. Plus, she loves my kids.
And yes, I see quite a few exes who only play “good daddy” when women are around. They make me sad, sick and sometimes angry.
On 10/4/08 at 11:33 pm
Missygail said:
Well, mine don’t think of me as super mom. I’m sure. Basically they already know that if they ask for something I won’t be able to afford it. I hate telling them that I can’t afford it… I wish I could.
We live with my parents and I’m going to school. I was a young mother and had no skills after my divorce. I waited until my son was in school then I went started school.
I’d love to give my kids everything, including a house of our own. I don’t know when I’ll be able to….
With school (right now I’m busting butt to make up time) and the kids and also sorta taking care of my parents… I make the dinners for everyone and do all the shopping.
I just get so exhausted…
I enjoy talking to my kids, I wish I could get one on one time with each of them more often. I so love talking to my oldest, cause she’s ten now and she can tell me what she really thinks about the world.
Generally, our best times are when I pick them up from their daddy’s house. One time they pretended the clouds were alien invaders. I wished I had a recorder…
On 12/5/08 at 4:48 pm
An Uninspired Muse said:
Word.