The Haunting

Yes, maybe a little dark, but so well written, poignant, I really like this.

I don’t think anyone hasn’t had these feelings at one time or another. Late at night, trying to fall asleep, I can’t always shut my mind off. All the thoughts jumble, racing. Contemplating all choices I have made, and the ones that were out of my control that have gotten me to where I am in life, the “what ifs” haunt you, sometimes so hard to shake them off, because you know you can’t change them, can’t go backwards, only forwards.

My fears, mainly consist finishing school and finding a good job, so I can be self sufficient for myself and my daughters, I worry that damn “what if” I fall flat on my face. The second one, as awful as it may sound, is growing old alone, that scares the living hell out of me. I don’t have a lot much family left, and my kids will eventually be grown and will go on with there own life. It would be nice to know that I would have someone to enjoy the latter years with. I honestly don’t know though if that is what is destined for me.

I choose to take it one day at time, try my best to take the risks in life within reason, better than playing to darn safe all the time, and make sure that when the day ends I can look myself in the mirror and know I like who I see as a person. It’s your life, and you only get one shot, might as well make the most of it.

Very well written. Pulled me in there…and not even one swear word :p!
I had a continuing bad dream/half asleep dream where you roll over and the bad ex is lying there. Not with a mask or rope or anything. Just peacefully lying there like the relationship never ended. Its caused a few startling moments of rapid breathing. The fear that you stayed stuck in the bad relationship is mine. That it is five years from now, here his is and this is your life. Eek.
I also have the same rapid breathing when I wake at 3am and realize I forgot to buy another pound of coffee.

Anxiety keeps me up at night. Could be something major. Could be something minor. Doesn’t matter.

It keeps me at the edge of rest, but I rarely go over that line. The brain that won’t shut off won’t rest either…

Good stuff!

WOW! That’s all I have to say about that,

Now, to answer your questions, not a whole lot keeps me up at night. Worry does sometimes and financial shit does sometimes, but never to any BIG degree. Being somewhere I’m uncomfortable will do that every single time, however, so I try my damnedest to avoid those situations!!!

I love you…try to find your inner tranquility, she has. And she wants it for you too.

I’m taking you to see the Monarchs on their migration this year…I think it would be a place of great healing.
As far as the rainbows…hmm. A worm rescue mission the next time it rains with me and the boys? I don’t see that being quite as peaceful as the butterfly excursion…but it’s always fun!

Of course you were the first one to make me cry. I was doing so good. I don’t think I ever told you that she helped build this place…

http://www.monarchbutterfly.org/grove.htm

Roadtrip?

To quote the Lizard King:

The moths & atheists are doubly divine
& dying
We live, we die
and death not ends it

I am not a religious person, I am anti-theological, but I do believe there is a sort of spiritual heaven for us. Everything hums with energy, even rocks, it would be silly to think that those of us who pass through the doorway of the afterlife would lose our energies.

It is only the living who are haunted by death. It is our memories, that are interwoven through the tapestry of our lives, that ultimately unravel us.

Sew yourself back together, wrap yourself in those memories and sleep knowing you have them.

You girls are doing some good work this week. Color me impressed. So I’m going to be completely forthcoming when I answer this question. I’m a man that used to quote Ghengis Khan in reference to your question; “My only fear is that my children will never understand me.” I said it because I never really understood the glaring faults in my own father. I honestly at one point wanted to be nothing like him. And then I grew up to see him for who he was. I’m a better person because he raised me.
As for my current fears, they are intertwined with my “second” mother’s and close friend’s deaths. She was a brilliant woman who taught 4th graders. So loving and caring. The oldest of 6, she was the “mom” to all of my friends. Biological to one of my best. Her brothers were real hell raisers in their youth. She was destroyed when her husband of 15-20 years left her for his highschool sweetheart. She fell into a bottle and never got out. We used to get her vodka all the time. I had sticky fingers (and a drinking problem since age 11). She’d let us drink at her house in high school, only on the weekends. Kept us out of so much trouble and she basically talked us through being violent idiots. I used to get everyone pissed because at 7:30 me and her would watch Jepordy EVERYDAY!! Even saturdays if she could talk us out of going to a party just to start fights. She was the first women besides my own mom I got a christmas present for. Anyways she needed us to help her stop drinking and we never noticed HER problem. For years it progressed. From a little vodka mostly water to a liter a day. She died february the sixteenth 2005, 2 weeks after the hospital sent here home to die. Add to that the fact that the day I left San Diego another close friend was being buried after committing suicide. I hadn’t spoken to him in over three years. The longest I’ve ever gone not speaking with my friends was a month maybe. He was always my friend who had his head on straight. The worse thing he ever did was smoke herb with us in high school. He never needed to go out or any thing like that. I haven’t really felt the need to drink since Rojean Ellen Hyde died, and I haven’t even thought of smoking weed since the day Micheal Esqueda was to be buried. Those were my true demons(weed and liquor). And I can tell you my fear is letting others down when they truly need me. Or better yet, I fear knowing someone is suffering when they can be helped. I could care less what fate has in store for me as long as those who I love are safe and secure.
On a lighter note, I used to be afraid of ghosts. I saw this movie called The Entity when I was 14 and it shook me to the core. Go ahead and laugh. I dare you to rent it and watch it alone in the dark. Shit, I’m not even a woman and it scared the crap out of me. It was supossedly based on a true story.

Finding the light is the hardest thing you can do, as darkness rests heavily on those it chooses. Seek that which brings you peace, and forever hold it close.

Well, not too much keeps me up at night, once I decide to take my ass to bed. Thank pharmaceuticals for that. But *when* I take those drugs and go to bed can vary greatly depending on what’s floating through my head, and what decides to park there for a while and create trouble.

In a nutshell, fear of failure. Failure at so many things the list is endless. Not things like projects at work, but things like failing to be a good daughter or a good friend, or a successful rescuer, or pay my mortagage on time, or find a new job, or get thru this mid-life crisis and decide what I want to do when I grow up. Fear of failing to realize my potential in life and actually living up to it. Fear of failing to make a difference.

Beautifully written. I could *feel* it with you. Then again, we’ve had conversations after some of those nights when they first started.

It is hard to believe it’s been almost two years, Karri. I think it touched me even more deeply today because next week marks 27 years since my mamaw passed. I realize it won’t necessarily bring you comfort today, but I wanted to remind you of what I previously told you. Over time, it’s less of a haunting and more like a warm, welcomed embrace of energy.

My fear is that my girls will go what I went through years ago. I am haunted and just was haunted by it a few weeks ago. My father molested. I am adopted and he thought that was “you are not my daughter” was justification for his actions. He raised me since I was 5. I guess that is why I have never gotten married or even become close. I’m scared a man that I love will do this to them or even one of them. And I’ll be in Jail for Murder.
My haunting just creeps up on me out of no where, and on the day every year I wanna scream and I die a little that day…
My 1 yr old cousin has been molested by her father, and Im not sure why things like this happen? I was older when mine happen and I dont know why I or any children have to go through this pain… What is it that we did to go through all this. I’m glad she is young as she is… she wont have to relive it like I do year after year, or just when something triggers the feelings.

Wow, this is incredibly written, I love the darker stuff, it’s the place that’s the most real, the place we’re most afraid of venturing off into to, but probably should. I’ve been an insomniac since I was a wee child, always had trouble sleeping, it’s mostly because of the vast tunnels in my mind that never shut off. It’s not necessarily a fun place to be. I go over things in the past, present, future, lists, mistakes *sigh*… I’ve had nights where I try to smother my face with the pillow. I’ve had others try to wrap their arms around me, it’s hopeless. Melatonin became my new best friend at night and every night afterwards. I even asked my doctor last year, “Can you give me something that will make me stop thinking?” I was dead serious, it was that bad. He giggled, “no unfortunately there isn’t anything like that.” Damn. I said.

“Can you give me something that will make me stop thinking?” Oh my gosh, I love that! And I’ll take two please.

For a multitude of reasons (all of which I’m sure you’re aware of) this was likely the most difficult post I’ve ever written, so I’m very glad that you enjoyed it. Thank you!

Melatonin - I only wish! I’m someone who gets headaches from everything. It gave me crazy nightmares and a pounding head. It’s far worse when I visit my folks in the country and the noise of crickets sounds like 15 assholes playing the Hi-Hat outside my window. I used to call it being a night owl - but it’s definitely bouts of insomnia and can certainly be attributed to varying anxieties.
It’s not necessarily the ’something is missing from my life’ feeling. It’s more like, If I fall asleep restfully I may miss something that was missing. It just compounds from there.
I laugh at that statistic that it takes the average person 7-8 minutes to fall asleep. It takes me that long adjust the pillows!

I can’t wait to see what this is all about, miss k. Sorry I wasn’t here earlier. Work and stuff.

I didn’t get the personal email, but I saw your blog so I thought I’d better get my ass over here. Is this the post you were talking about? Seems like a lot more than 2! Blogging has lost a lot of its appeal over the past year I think. I think there are just too many and people are just overwhelmed and tired of trying to keep up. I still have 3800 or so subscribers, but I have only been getting 25-35 comments per post - except for my rant on handbags today which seemed odd to me.

This was a really penetrating write and I knew what it was about by the end of the first two sentences. To answer your question, I have a fear which has manifested itself pretty badly over the past couple of years - dying - I think it’s due to simple aging and feeling like my time is somehow running out. Sometimes it really grips me and I can’t get out of bed. Most of the time I try really hard and fight it off, write something, go tell some jokes, see a movie or give my son a huge hug and coach his baseball game.

I have lived most of my life on the “edge” so to speak and now that I’ve had a child and learned to love every minute of every day, I really don’t want to leave any time soon!

Love ya Karri!

TB

Those were some nice proses, it reminded me of my mother’s death from cancer. All it was missing was a line about the smell of death. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, walk down a cancer ward at the hospital, you can’t miss that sensation. You will know that death is knocking.

Um, not really what I was expecting, but it was a good read. I don’t know why, but it seems like the closer things are to us the harder they are to put into words. As for what keeps me up at night, here’s an excerpt:

“… There’s always the same two memories that collide me to sleep at night. The first is the memory of a man and a gun forcing me to follow his orders. Being robbed at gunpoint allows you to let go of all those childish heroic thoughts you thought of the situation beforehand. The second is a toast I gave at my Brother’s wedding. Just as everyone thought I was going to do, I delivered the best speech they had ever heard. Every night those memories mix to keep me grounded. …”