The midlife crisis of a flannel man-handler
July 16, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
I am a bisexual man who has been with the same woman for fourteen years now. Recently, I have been wanting to be with a man again. I don’t want to cheat on my wife, but the urges have gotten to the point I don’t know what to do. Help me please!
Pining for Penis
Dear Woodcock,
Does your wife know of your fondness for the phallus? Well, I am going to assume that she DOESN’T know…because, well, you don’t give me much of a choice. Besides, you probably wouldn’t be writing to us if she did, would ya?
So you have been lying to the woman you love for 14 years. That is a serious marital faux pas, my friend. And you have been denying a big part of who you are sexually…not only has that got to be extremely difficult on you, but imagine how your wife is going to feel when you tell her the big news. Don’t expect a “coming out” cake…
Look, there is no simple solution here. You can tell your wife that you have an urgent need to sleep with a man but know this could potentially destroy your marriage. Or you can deny the urges and become angry and bitter as your sexual frustration goes, which might still destroy your marriage. The bottom line is only you know how important it is for you to get back in the saddle…or get the saddle back in you.
Or there is one other solution to this problem, hoss…and that is to give your lady the opportunity to fill your void herself. Your cock-less courtesan can get a strap-on, dress up like Roy Rogers and ride ‘em cowboy! Close your eyes, make sure the dildo is cyber skin…and it will almost be as good as the real thing. Almost.
Because the alternative is cheating on your wife…and like you said, you don’t want to do that…do you?
Love and Kisses,
Eve
On 07/15/08 at 10:13 pm
Karri said:
I have a question…how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
On 07/16/08 at 4:37 am
Meghan said:
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt told me he would chuck as much would as he could because THIS woodchuck NEEDS some wood.
On 07/16/08 at 6:36 am
Cassie said:
Meghan…this is the best comment EVAH!!!!! hahahahahahahahah
On 07/16/08 at 4:46 am
Meghan said:
See, I think urges like this go beyond his partner throwing on a strap on. It’s more than that. He wants a man…the whole body to match. As you say, he has been denying himself sexually and for that reason this can only go bad. Our sexuality is a major player in our LTRs and if your partner can’t provide, there’s trouble ahead.
On 07/16/08 at 5:32 am
bryan said:
Are we always suppose to give in to our urges? Are we dogs that have no control of ourselves? I’m not sure i agree meghan. I don’t see how it is any different to say one day, “i’d like to fuck a new woman. i love my wife, but i’ve been sleeping with her for 14 years. i’d love the feeling of a different pussy on my cock, but don’t want to jeopardize our marriage.” imo.
i think ultimately he blew it by not being honest with her from the beginning. so he’s gonna destroy his marriage or learn to deal.
On 07/16/08 at 6:30 am
Meghan said:
No No! I DONT think we should always give into our urges! What I was trying to say (a little hungover and without my second cup of coffee) is that I think this man is kidding himself. It isn’t going to matter if he gets anal play from his wife. He hasn’t been honest in his heart or with his partner. He isn’t calling this ‘fantasy’ he is using the word ‘urges’ - this is something he thinks he needs. Whether or not he chooses to act on it, a part of his marriage is still in jeopardy.
On 07/16/08 at 12:24 pm
Carol said:
I agree with you, B. It’s funny how so many people can say the same thing in so many different ways.
On 07/16/08 at 7:13 am
Trista said:
“See, I think urges like this go beyond his partner throwing on a strap on”
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~Oh, I absolutely agree. That was the snarky in me coming out. People that want to excuse their way out of commitments upset me a bit…
On 07/16/08 at 8:53 am
Jime said:
I disagree to a point. The point that I agree on is that, yes, a strap on may not be enough for this guy. What I disagree on is that people of both genders and any sexual orientation have feelings similar to this at times; people sometimes want what they do not have. That does not give license for them to seek a remedy for their lusts on a whim.
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It’s like a man being married to a big breasted woman suddenly having the desire for smaller breasts. Well–his wife cannot provide that because she is the woman she is and he accepted that when he married her.
On 07/16/08 at 9:04 am
Trista said:
I do not disagree with you in that he made a conscious decision to marry this woman and commit to a monogamous life with her…and so now he needs to suck it up and honor the commitment.
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But I am not too sure that the wife donning a strap-on and a smile is going to be enough to satisfy his craving.
On 07/16/08 at 9:14 am
Jime said:
You are correct. It won’t be enough. That’s my point though: for some people their partner is never enough. A bisexual person experiences the extremes of liking both genders (but that is beside the point). Hetero people experience a variety of likes and dislikes as well.
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This guy is claiming that BECAUSE he is bisexual he has a valid reason to find solace in a mans arms, BECAUSE it is something his wife cannot provide. This is absurd. Any philanderer will claim that what they get from an affair is different than what they get at home. Gender and sexual orientation are codicil.
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I guess what I am saying is that sexual orientation doesn’t matter. Either a person loves and accepts what they have in front of them, or they don’t.
On 07/16/08 at 9:44 am
Trista said:
Abso-fucking-lutely.
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Someone who wants to cheat is going to look to justify the action. This issue of orientation gives him a seemingly valid excuse…his wife simply cannot be a man. No arguing that fact. But like you said, Any adulterer is going to claim they couldn’t help it, their needs weren’t getting met, and to me that excuse is always a damn cop out. Value your commitments!!!
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Fidelity is always a choice…Sorry for the outburst, sore subject.
On 07/16/08 at 11:02 am
Jime said:
No need for a sorry, sister. You’re dead on.
On 07/18/08 at 11:32 am
melissa said:
Ummmmm … so the guy is by decided to get married now after 14 years he wants an affair … i dont think it would really matter weather he wanted to sleep with another woman or a man.. either way i would be pissed if i was his wife … if he wanted to be a swinger he should have picked a diffrent wife !!! He wants to cheat why does it matter with whom?
On 07/16/08 at 6:37 am
Cassie said:
Ummm, I have a friend. He is bi-sexual. He told his wife. Now they have the most fun at swinger’s parties.
JUST SAYING!!!!!!!
On 07/16/08 at 7:11 am
Trista said:
That is an absolute possibility…but were they 14 years deep into the marriage? Because that is a loooong time to keep something as important as your sexual orientation away from the woman he chose to commit “forever” to. That is my concern here…she might feel a tad bit betrayed, at least at first.
On 07/16/08 at 7:16 am
Cassie said:
They were ten years into it!
AND I’m sure you are right, she prolly WILL feel a bit betrayed, but if she’s open, there’s a whole other world out there…..my friends are proof!!!
On 07/16/08 at 7:20 am
Trista said:
You are completely right…and there is a lot at stake with a 14 year marriage. There may even be kids involved. So she might be open to doing what it takes to keep him happy and in the marriage. Point is he will not know until he opens up to her.
On 07/16/08 at 7:48 am
Karri said:
I have a question…I wonder how long swingers participate in their lifestyle? And once they stop swinging do the old feelings that they’re missing out on something resurface? Isn’t that just temporarily covering the issue with a flimsy band-aid?
On 07/16/08 at 8:32 am
Trista said:
Aren’t a lot of people swingers for life? Or at least till the libido takes its final swan dive into the geriatric years?
On 07/16/08 at 9:12 am
Rex said:
Did you FORGET ABOUT ME?! There goes your theory… heh.
On 07/16/08 at 9:46 am
Trista said:
You don’t count…you are an anomaly.
On 07/16/08 at 8:12 am
PJ said:
I was thinking the pegging idea before I came to your suggestion of it, but once again I gotta say this guy just isn’t wired right and the girl is going to need therapy. In fact, I think eve-101 should secure a therapist as a sponsor and then rake in the referral fees.
On 07/16/08 at 8:28 am
Trista said:
I like the way you think, PJ! We DO need to have a referral program with a therapist…the ask eve questions have made that abundantly clear. Or at least a relationship councilor. I mean, we try…but we are not professionals, by any means.
On 07/16/08 at 8:44 am
PJ said:
I am pretty cool, or at least I’ve heard so. I think you should let me have at, um help, these people. Dr. P.J. has a nice ring to it, dontcha think?
On 07/16/08 at 8:48 am
Trista said:
Can I be your nurse? I mean, I already have the outfit and all…
On 07/16/08 at 9:33 am
PJ said:
Really, would anybody say no to that?
On 07/16/08 at 8:12 am
Capt. Nina - The Pantiless Pirate said:
I think in this day and age, most of his problem depends on how much he trusts his wife and her love. If she loves him, she will understand, not that she should let him sleep with someone else, but she wouldn’t condemn him for it. She would do things like putting on that strap on and fucking him like the stud of his dreams. There are work-arounds. The question is does he trust HER enough to let her be his WIFE and all the things that title comes with.
Disclaimer: Said wife should NEVER be made to do anything that makes her feel degraded, grossed out, dirty (OK…dirty can be fun), etc.
My point is this…if my husband came to me and told me that he had a hankerin’ for a side o’ beef. I would do my best to help him in a way that worked for both of us because I love him and would actually love him MORE for telling me and TRUSTING me with that sort of secret. Besides, I think it would be fun to actually be able to sit with the man I love and comment on all the hot guys around. Who knows what might happen…
On 07/16/08 at 8:30 am
Trista said:
Lets hope that she is as open minded as you are…for his sake.
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The only reason I fear she will be upset is the sheer length of time it has taken him to come out to her. Harboring a major secret like this for 14 years is a pretty big deal…don’t you think?
On 07/16/08 at 8:46 am
Jime said:
This is bullshit. I don’t care if this assjack is pining for cock or for another womans vag. The plumbing doesn’t matter. What matters is that he has made a commitment to one person and now he wants to break that vow. For what? For lust.
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I truly believe that it is possible for a bisexual person to remain faithful to one person, because I’ve seen it. What you need to do Mr. Woodcock is share your sentiment with you life partner and see if she can help. If you want dick then have her invest in a strap-on and round up some spurs. Yee-haw. But don’t cheat. Be honest and try to get through it together.
On 07/16/08 at 8:51 am
Trista said:
<---- Stealing assjack.
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I have seen it done as well...happily I might add. No one felt they were missing out. As my friend told me, she loved and committed to a person, not to a particular set of parts.
On 07/16/08 at 9:05 am
Jime said:
This is another scenario where I wish the writer had included more information. You are right that it seems logical that this man has not been up front with his wife about his sexual orientation. What if he was up front and she accepted him for the man he was? If that’s the case then I’d think it would be easier for him to communicate with her about his desires.
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If you’re right and he wasn’t up front. He’s going to hit a wall because he done fucked up by fronting he was something other than what he is. She will feel betrayed and lied to, and that will take some time to mend. Better wash those “couch sheets”, buddy.
On 07/16/08 at 9:17 am
Trista said:
Yeah, I hate having to assume with these things…but these questioners give me little choice. I just don’t think his issue would be so great if she DID know. So I went that route.
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And I do agree that she is going to feel betrayed. I know I would…
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That is going to be the biggest hurdle here, I think. Not his orientation, but the fact that he hid it for so long.
On 07/16/08 at 10:59 am
Jime said:
Exactly. It won’t take long before she asks herself, “What else has he been hiding from me?” Hey–what’s that breaking sound? Oh, nothing apparently, just the shattered remains of your trust.
On 07/16/08 at 3:57 pm
Trista said:
Ouch…
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But excellent imagery!
On 07/16/08 at 9:11 am
Vic said:
As one not to fond of the cock, I can’t say that I know what he’s going through. I can, however, comment on the self-imposed nature of the situation. Honesty, though in this instance abit embarassing and presenting of a certain hurdle in the relationship, is always the best policy. Even if there is an inherent hurdle to climb in the relationship because of the need to sit on some pine, wading through the issue in tandem with your wife is the way to go. If she can’t handle it, she’s not the one for you. Sure, it’s easy for me to say it, but it is the truth.
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And it’s as plain as the balls on your face.
On 07/16/08 at 9:20 am
Trista said:
I agree with you…but!
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Don’t you think she has a right to be angry? He essentially lied to her for years. She may not be accepting at first based on that alone. And I mean, who could blame her? After 14 years you want to feel like you know your partner like no one else…you expect most of the secrets to have been exposed. To be kept in the dark about this…kind of a big deal.
On 07/16/08 at 9:26 am
Vic said:
Oh no, I agree 2,000%. This is a problem that is self-inflicted in nature as I alluded to in the comment, one that could have been completely avoided by being honest about the situation in the initial stages of the relationship.
On 07/16/08 at 3:56 pm
Trista said:
So you think its time to come clean now…because better late than never?
On 07/16/08 at 4:30 pm
Vic said:
Yes.
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And he has no right to lament if it goes sour because of his witholding it this long.
On 07/16/08 at 9:14 am
Rex said:
Speaking of strap ons…
If I wore one above my own junk and used it on a woman, would that be an acceptable form of DP without bring another man in the room?
On 07/16/08 at 9:17 am
Vic said:
I dunno, Rexy. How much are you tipping her?
On 07/16/08 at 9:20 am
Jime said:
You’re so inventive, Rex. You should be given an award. Now you just have to figure out a way to simulate a third dick in the room to get that BJ action in, too. Cause, you know…full service!
On 07/16/08 at 9:21 am
Trista said:
Ummm, I was going to weigh in, but you men seem to have it handled!
On 07/16/08 at 9:33 am
Vic said:
Rex sure does… but I bet he had to pay alot more for that kind of action.
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I know I do.
On 07/16/08 at 3:55 pm
Trista said:
Who are you paying for this action?
On 07/16/08 at 4:32 pm
Vic said:
Merely Bridget the Midget.
On 07/16/08 at 4:38 pm
Trista said:
Ewwwwwweeeeeyyyyyyyyy!
On 07/16/08 at 9:25 am
Chris said:
“it will almost be as good as the real thing. Almost.”
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Like white chocolate… you can close your eyes and pretend, but it’s just not the same.
On 07/16/08 at 9:27 am
Vic said:
Syas Chris, from experience.
On 07/16/08 at 3:54 pm
Trista said:
But what if I happen to like white chocolate, hmm?
On 07/16/08 at 4:31 pm
Vic said:
Then you’re gay. Or maybe I read that wrong.
On 07/16/08 at 4:37 pm
Trista said:
I’m completely hetero…I just like some white chocolate sometimes. ‘Specially from Godiva.
On 07/16/08 at 4:42 pm
Chris said:
Yeah. I periodically strip naked and ride through town on a pure white horse to bring her chocolate… they call me Laddie Godiva.
On 07/16/08 at 4:52 pm
Trista said:
That reminds me…where ya been, Laddie. A girl gets hungry…
On 07/16/08 at 4:57 pm
Chris said:
Workin’ crazy hours, doll. I been missing Eve-101 on The Stream, too.
How… uh… hungry… are you? 
On 07/16/08 at 4:35 pm
Chris said:
You can like it all you want… it’s still not real chocolate.
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I’m not saying it’s second rate… just second best… No, it’s second rate.
On 07/16/08 at 4:36 pm
Trista said:
Yeah…you’re right…it’s no chocolate.
On 07/16/08 at 4:39 pm
Chris said:
Like Mini Cooopers and VW Bugs… they’re not real cars, either.
On 07/16/08 at 4:54 pm
Trista said:
EXACTLY. Damn clown cars! ::shudder::
On 07/16/08 at 4:58 pm
Chris said:
DMTA!
On 07/16/08 at 1:16 pm
Maria said:
This post was definitely my entertainment for the day and the comments made it even better!
On 07/16/08 at 2:27 pm
Trista said:
Yay, glad you enjoyed, and welcome (officially) to the Eve-101 family.
On 07/16/08 at 7:44 pm
Pining for Penis aka Mr. Woodcock said:
Finally home from work, so I get a chance to respond to the previous comments. She does know, and we have been discussing it for our entire marriage. The strap-on option has been used and abused, but the person who said that I am looking for the whole package was correct. I haven’t cheated, and I do not believe I will, so that is not a concern at this point. What I do see going on is a change more toward the homosexual viewpoint than the straight viewpoint. Given that, is it right to discuss with the missus whether or not splitting up is an option. I do not want her to feel as though she wasn’t enough, but with the change in views, I think it might appear that way.
On 07/17/08 at 10:32 am
Trista said:
Oh man…this gives a whole new spin on the issue, my friend.
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If you truly feel that this is an orientation issue…you have to go with what you feel. No one would expect you to stay in a sexually empty marriage. I am glad you have been honest with her…she should be somewhat prepared.
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Have you explored the option of an open marriage?
On 07/17/08 at 8:47 pm
Pining for Penis aka Mr. Woodcock said:
We have discussed it, but she is not OK with the issues involved. Too much chance of infection around these days.