The Overprotective Single Mommy
August 15, 2008 · Print This Article
Parenting magazines can be positive resources. Divorced five years, I have yet to find a helpful article on when to introduce kids to a potential romantic interest. Perhaps there is a “Leave it to Beaver” or “Cosby” complex. It seems articles in leading parenting magazines focus on married couples raising their kids in idyllic families. Perfect pictures, perfect ideas and perfect solutions.
I have news, folks. Parenting is never perfect. Children are never perfect. Mine, well, they are amazing. But, they are far from perfect. Shhhh…don’t tell them, it would break their little hearts! Just kidding. They know they are not perfect. They know I am not perfect. They do, however, feel perfectly loved. It was no great surprise to me that after their daddy got engaged two years ago, they became more vocal about wanting someone else to love me, too.
Even with the best co-parenting situation possible, divorce brings a litany of issues to single parents. When their father left me, my son was 2 1/2 and my daughter was on the verge of her first birthday. The list of challenges was greater than the echo of screaming guests on The Jerry Springer Show. For me, one of the biggest questions was if and when I would introduce other men to my children. My immediate and emotional response was that no one needed to meet my children for “X” period of time. I was going to protect my babies, dammit! I had 873 excellent reasons to not let any man meet my children, in particular. I was the poster child of The Overprotective Single Mommy. Worse, I was expressing prejudice between men and women.
I was wrong. Oh, boy, was I wrong! (Go ahead, write the date down!)
Quickly, sanity returned and forced me to realize my own hypocrisy. If someone was good enough to spend time with me, they needed to be good enough to meet my kids. Male or female. I am the first to admit this helped me make wiser choices on the front end of many a friendship and relationship. While I have friends who are not particularly in love with the idea of kids, or have any of their own, almost all have met my children. Often, those are the relationships I most enjoy watching flourish.
Come on, people! Meeting someone’s children is not the equivalent of forming an insta-family. You don’t take a single parent, add kids, another single person and have a family. Spending time with someone’s children is not a life-long commitment. It is, however, an opportunity to learn more about your friend, more about their children or possibly, something FROM the children. It is hilarious to me that I can send a man packing faster than a hooker drops her panties on a Saturday night with a simple sentence. “Would you like to hang out with me and the kids?” Any man who sees a box of Insta-Family when he hears that question likely has much bigger issues.
It seems to me those men are getting way *cough* a-head of themselves!
Children do observe both the positive and the negative. If they never meet your friends, it seems to me they lose the best example of how to have a healthy friendship. If they don’t witness conflict, they don’t learn from experience how to resolve them. My kids have learned many valuable lessons from meeting those in my life, whether romantic interests or not.
They learn that people are different. They learn acceptance. They learn that people come and go. My initial fear was simple. “What if I introduce him to my kids and they miss him when we break up?” What? Talk about projection. Yes, that kind of thing happens all the time. But, what was I really afraid of? That my kids would learn that people come and go out of our lives? It has proven to be a positive lesson for them. For example, they have learned you don’t have to see your friends every single day for them to be your friends. They have learned it is okay to meet people and not necessarily like them. Ultimately, they have met many people and have only ever missed one or two.
In five years, my kiddos have only seen me romantically involved with three or four men. A peck on the cheek was the most they ever witnessed with one of those men. Only four times have they ever seen a man spend the night in our home, usually at their encouragement. Only twice have they ever known me to share my bed with man. Don’t get the wrong idea. They have never come into mommy’s room and seen naked people! In fact, both times I was wearing pajamas and the arrangement appeared innocuous. The added bonus for me is that I will never have to deal with my kids not knowing or liking someone I may choose to have a relationship with in the future.
My kiddos do not see a revolving door of men coming in and out of my life. What they know is a wide variety of wonderful men and women who happen to embrace all of us. It makes them more a “part of” instead of “apart from” another side to their mom. They have learned the abundant joy of true friends and are grateful we share them.
How do you feel about it? Just once, I would love for someone to convince me of a few good reasons a man would not wish to meet a woman’s children, or why a woman should not introduce others to them. Any takers? If you are a single parent, what prevents you from introducing your offspring to others?
On 08/15/08 at 2:42 am
Cherie said:
This perfectly mirrors my opinion. People do come in and out of your life. That is reality. But I would not miss out on the joy of the people I love, or even just like a lot, sharing their world with D. It shapes him as it shapes me and shows him life that I cannot otherwise expose him to. I have never been sorry when I introduced him to anyone. Meeting your children, brief a time as we had, was one of our better memories and he still talks about it, and I remember it with great love. Do I miss all of you? Yes! Does he? Yes! But it’s just part of life. MOLA!
On 08/15/08 at 4:51 am
Carol said:
Thanks so much for coming by here today, Cherie! The kiddos still talk about D, too. They are NOT keen on the “24″ hour drive to visit, but they are excited to hop on a plane someday.
Often,I get asked about that picture of me “tackling/tickling” D on the bed in my photo section. I tell people he is one of my many “other” kids.
You are both chosen family to us…and the MORE people who can love our kiddos in healthy ways, the better.
MOLA!!!
On 08/15/08 at 2:58 am
lisaq said:
I’m of the old school…obviously since my kids are 19 & 23. Back in the day when I was first divorced my kids were about the same age as yours when you divorced. Back then there was never a question of kids meeting romantic interest like there is now. My kids met them all; they continue to meet them.
There are a few they’ve missed; one my oldest calls the one that got away. There are some they wish they’d never met but my oldest looks at it very philosophically. She realizes without ALL of the experiences and people in her life, she wouldn’t be the person she is today. It reassures me that I didn’t damaged my children by introducing them to the men in my life along the way.
On 08/15/08 at 4:54 am
Carol said:
As our sweet Karri would say, “we are where we are because of where we have been”. She says it better, but I’ve had a a whopping two hours of sleep. I think the only “damage” we can do to our kids is showing them UNHEALTHY relationships, Lisa. Or, being the slut in the vehicle. *giggle* Can you even imagine doing that in front of any kid?
My kids know that we make CHOICES to spend time with other people, romantic or otherwise. They also know that no matter what, they are my FIRST priority and my greatest love. Their self esteem is never put at risk with any relationship or friendship.
It always does my heart good to know others who have learned the value of “all” the experiences in their lives.
On 08/15/08 at 3:54 am
Kiki said:
This is a great article Carol. Me and my 4 younger siblings were effectively brought up by a single mother (remember Daddy diddling the secretary? Well that didn’t go down so well with my Mum, so the door hitting his ass on the way out knocked him about 300 miles away, and the divorce papers gave him a concussion)…
Mum was cautious about letting us meet her fella’s, but we met the most serious two (not at the same time) and we learnt several important life lessons that you pointed out really well. Life isn’t perfect, people aren’t perfect, even parents (especially parents). People come and go, and mostly for good reason. Relationships are fluid and changing and sometimes we are meant to meet someone, even only fleetingly, to help shape us as a person.
I think the hardest lesson for me was accepting (finally) that my parents are only human, and that they do and will make mistakes. Once I swallowed that pill I found I could actually talk to them as people and not through gritted,angst-ridden teeth.
And now that my parents are in loving relationships, albeit not with each other, I feel good for them. I want to be as lucky as they have been to eventually find their perfect other halves.
On 08/15/08 at 4:57 am
Carol said:
“Relationships are fluid and changing and sometimes we are meant to meet someone, even only fleetingly, to help shape us as a person.”
You bring up a fantastic point, Kiki. On occasion, my kiddos will remember something we’ve done with friends (to them, everyone is a friend) and we always focus on the positive aspect. As hard as it is to explain to some people, the truth of the matter is either YOU are open to the world, or not…and whatever YOUR position is will likely be that you hand down to your kids.
And, no, parents are not perfect. We all mess up. I’m the first to ask my kids, “do you forgive me”…and they follow suit with me and with each other. They think I am the greatest mom, ever, and think someone should love me the way their daddy’s fiance loves their daddy. They have learned that love, in the romantic sense, does not work that way.
Then again, their daddy was not a diddler.
On 08/15/08 at 4:35 am
Cassie said:
Great article….no opinion here, just that y’all (your family) seems to be well adjusted, whatever your decisions have been!!!
On 08/15/08 at 5:00 am
Carol said:
Cassie,
What? No smart-assity comment about how long it took me to make my point? For shame!
My kiddos freaking love you. Ever since the roadtrip to NC, they think you and Squish just rock. But, having you come visit before we sold the old house…that meant a lot to them. To know friends show up for the big stuff…they laugh and love…and then, invariably, they have to leave (only to return again, someday). Watching Sass in the kitchen entertain us both will forever be a happy thought to me. And you, with your Spidey-Man ice cream…eating that thing……*giggle*
On 08/15/08 at 5:34 am
Sarah said:
We never had a chance to discuss this as we had talked about!
This was easy for me mostly because I have always had my mind made up about this. My little one could be around anyone that I trusted around me. But when it came to romance I kept Noah out of that part until I was sure it was going to go somewhere. In 4 years Noah met 2 fellas and that was in a BBQ “Here are all of Mommy’s friends” atmosphere.
I watched my ex have woman after woman come into Noah’s life until he met his current wife.
And the reason I avoided it… All of those women still to this day tell me they miss Noah.
It is hard on everyone to form any type of relationship and then to have it break and/or disappear. So, I shielded him from the one’s that I knew were just for fun… I didn’t want him attaching himself to anyone who wouldn’t cherish that bond.
BUT when it came down to it, Noah didn’t want me being with ANYONE. He was the man of the house and liked it better when it was just Mommy and Noah.
I assume that is to be expected though. Hell, I hope so!
On 08/15/08 at 5:54 am
Carol said:
*giggle* THAT is why the son-of-a-biscuit-eater broke up with me! I never had the convo with you on this very subject!!!
Not.
I get your points, Sarah. I really do. But, maybe having a daughter gives me a slightly different perspective. I do NOT want her growing up thinking she MUST have a man, nor do I want her fearful of meeting several and making a choice. I want her to be so strong in herself that it is a non-issue. I also want my son to bear witness to the fact men and women CAN be friends…and how the hell he should act if he is interested in a woman.
Case in point. Picture this one. Man and son visit to swim. I get pizza for dinner. Shithead won’t sit down at the table. Then, me, being me…tells him, “This is OUR house and in OUR house, we ALL sit down together.” Of course, he sat reluctantly. Point being, BOTH my kids commented on that exchange. We all learned something from it, too. And, yes, we laughed. A lot.
Maybe my kids are hippy love kids for this generation.I don’t know. I just know they think I should be loved by others…and they understand that friend love and romantic love are two different things. Perhaps it would have been different had I only had one child.
Good thing Noah loves Vic. I mean, really….a very good thing!
On 08/15/08 at 6:21 am
Sarahh said:
I think that was my point. I wanted to show Noah, and probably myself, that I don’t NEED anyone.
If I choose a partner, then it is of my choosing, not out of desperation and fear of loneliness. Which I thought his father was showing him with all the women in and out of his life. And I mean him walking in seeing Daddy laying with girlfriend #21, every time…
Bad judgment. He isn’t a bad dad. Just makes not so good decisions. Actually he just does what he wants, good bad or ugly.
And growing up with a single mom, I remember her dating several men who were introduced to me as a romantic interests. Then seeing them break up, her cry, then date again immediately. It made me think she was incomplete without a man. Or at least SHE thought she was.
And living in a small town, the people can make you feel inferior for being single. That you aren’t like everyone else, and what is the problem?? It is a battle.
I may have kept the fellas away, in a romantic sense, to guard us both…
Friggin Overprotective
On 08/15/08 at 7:22 am
Carol said:
Playing devil’s advocate here….how the hell do you know ANYONE will actually stick around? You know the story of my ex boyfriend. He left after six months of a “picture perfect” relationship.
I don’t think we do know. I think we teach our kids what we believe. I believe others come AND go for a reason. *giggleknowswhytheycum*….and I don’t want to live a life so guarded that I miss something that could be great. Even a great friendship.
On 08/15/08 at 7:28 am
Sarahh said:
I think I am not saying it the way I want.
Mostly when I was playing the field and I didn’t know if I wanted to settle down. And was more “Playing the field” than the “Field playing me” I had no desire to introduce Noah to those fellas as a romantic interest.
He met em, hung out with them, but as far as he was concerned it was just mommy’s friend.
I think that you are right. Fears shouldn’t hold you back. If they do you may miss out. And the GRANDEST TRUTH OF THEM ALL..
If you are happy, so are your kids.
On 08/15/08 at 7:41 am
Carol said:
DING!!!! DING!!!! DING!!!!
If momma is happy, (or daddy)….everyone is happy! It still doesn’t mean I want to make out or be too physical in front of my kids.
On 08/15/08 at 8:40 am
Sarahh said:
Ewwwwww…. yeah me either.
But then again, I don’t like public affection PERIOD. Out side of hand holding and the occasional peck.
I gave up slobbering over my guy around people in 10th grade. Ok, 11th.
On 08/15/08 at 9:19 am
Trista said:
Yeah…PDA is wrong.
On 08/15/08 at 10:02 am
Meghan said:
I got stuck behind a couple at the grocery store holding hands, and using their free hands to jointly push the shopping cart.
Give me a break! I wanted to karate chop them apart!
On 08/15/08 at 11:26 am
Sarahh said:
Ew. That is really gross!
I thought there was a law or something against cheesy PDA. Which in my mind is worse than the saliva covered kind.
On 08/16/08 at 7:26 am
Carol said:
I will be the dissenting opinion among the Eve Family on this one. I enjoy a little PDA…not ALL the time, but on occasion. Then again, I am a huggy-touchy-kissy-feely kind of girl.
On 08/16/08 at 1:24 pm
Vic said:
Yes. I get yelled at for pinching her butt in the grocery store.
On 08/15/08 at 6:14 am
pecosa said:
Excellent blog. I have broken my head over this many, many times. I am the overprotective type. Unless I’m in a relatiosnhip with a guy, he doesn’t meet my kids. To date, I think they’ve only met two of them. I’ve had to deal with the questions on the other side of the sectrum though because they have a sister from another mother, and their dad has a new girlfriend and it kind of confuses them. But I guess that’s for him to explain. All my friends know my kids, and you’re right, if they’re not good enough for my kids to meet, then why am I friends with them?
On 08/15/08 at 7:24 am
Carol said:
Thanks…glad you are here.
Have you ever considered letting them meet all your friends…men included…and just see how it goes? I’m NOT talking romantic stuff in front of the kids. But, I’ve known plenty who wait forever to introduce the kids, only to find out they can not bond with the proposed partner. Worse, the partner doesn’t like the parenting style once they see it in action. I’ve waited once before, only to learn that the guy could be great to me and be crappy around my kids. THAT will NOT fly in our home!!!
On 08/15/08 at 6:30 am
RFA said:
the only reason I could think is that they don’t wish to get attached to kids in fear of a break up. It was the toughest part of my last relationship. The love for the ex was gone but not the love for her child…. so that ended up being a lot worse. Though, that being said, I would never not want to meet the children…. they are part of what makes someone complete if they have them.
On 08/15/08 at 7:26 am
Carol said:
EXACTLY…and my own personal belief is that FEAR can only be conquered with love. I love myself enough to want others to love me, for me…and that, most certainly, includes my momminess.
NOT loving those kids would have somehow negated your life. I’m convinced that love “lost” is better than no love at all.
Glad you came by today, Robert. Send Susan, too! I want to hear her opinion!!!
On 08/15/08 at 6:38 am
Teri Chelle said:
I don’t have a problem with my kids meeting anyone in my life; be it friends or romantic interests. I just am not at a point in my life where I am ready to deal with trying to find a romantic interest so it really poses no issues with us. Plus my kids are 16, 14, and 11..and considering I’ve been divorced twice now..I’m pretty sure they have a firm grasp on the idea that people come and go in our lives.
xoxo
On 08/15/08 at 7:28 am
Carol said:
I almost think that dealing with tweens and teens is MORE sensitive. EVERYONE should meet you…and it can be fun to talk about people your kids meet with them. Don’t you feel closer to your kids the better you know THEIR friends?
Thanks, TM…mad luv to you for stopping here today.
On 08/15/08 at 7:05 am
Sungodly said:
I tend to insulate my son from romantic interests at first, with no real timetable on when they should meet him. Sarah said she shielded hers from the ones she knew were “just for fun”, and I have done the same. If I have known someone long enough to consider them a friend (at the least), I am fine with making the introduction, although I’m reluctant to expose him to any romantic familiarity beyond hugging. Of course, all is subject to change when and if I should meet someone who I feel could be a permanent fixture. ;^)
On 08/15/08 at 7:29 am
Carol said:
S~ sometimes, I don’t even know that someone could ever BE a romantic interest! I mean, really. I have had friends and seeing how they are with my kids makes them MORE attractive to me. It helps me get to know them better.
You know I agree with you on the romantic familiarity. I would be flabbergasted if someone laid one on me right in front of my kids.
On 08/15/08 at 7:15 am
Jody said:
It was a two edged sword for me way back when.. Bitter pill to swallow, but sometimes I was glad it was there. when on my own with oldest when he was tiny years and years ago, I was a hot little number. (really i promise lol) literally half my size and totally unaware of how i looked lol. I got hit on by all types, good and bad and mediocre. All I had to do was mention Oldest in passing… and I got brushed off FAST.. whether that was the intention or not. Then the divorce from X, and I found a hard reality that I would rather be alone (very hard for me) than ever be with a man that could not, or would not, accept ALL of me, AND my kids. period, the end. I found him
On 08/15/08 at 7:31 am
Sarahh said:
Sounds to me like you had your ducks in a row!
After my divorce for the first year I was a mess. I couldn’t imagine being out with another man (not that I was hung up on exo but just used to him I guess) or dating or bars or anything. The whole idea was extremely intimidating and frankly frightening.
I wish I had had you around to show me the ropes!
On 08/15/08 at 8:41 am
Jody said:
Truly, my meeting my honey was pure chance (or destiny if you will) and had nothing to do with me looking… I wasn’t. He was a friend, a best friend, a confidant, an advisor to oldest online, then suddenly, it was more. Never did the dating scene at all oddly enough.
On 08/15/08 at 9:45 am
Sarahh said:
They say that you find what you are seeking when you aren’t looking.
Sounds like you have that DOWN!
Oh, and you missed NOTHING bypassing the dating scene. NADA.
On 08/15/08 at 7:31 am
Carol said:
Anyone who is turned off by the fact I have kids will be REALLY turned off when I explain the heirarchy!
I was a hot little number, myself.
Wait…I still feel hot!
I am glad YOU found him. You give us hope!
On 08/15/08 at 7:24 am
bryan said:
i’d only say that from a man’s perspective, a rational decent sort of fellow anyway, the meeting of the children scenario isn’t necessarily the threat of having a insta-family. It does however add a seriousness to the relationship that does not exist while the kids are somewhere else, or ‘not in the picture.’ At that point in time not only are you forging a new relationship with your current interest, but you are forging new relationships with her child or children as well. that has the potential to be intense and perhaps a bit overwhelming. it doesn’t always have to be fear of family. just my two cents
On 08/15/08 at 7:34 am
Carol said:
B~
I hear you. But, it can just be getting to know that other side of a friend. If you feel it is too intense, perhaps that is because you don’t have kids of your own. Which, by the way, brings up an interesting point. Perhaps we are not as comfortable with what we don’t “know” ourselves.
You’ve met my kids. There isn’t much “serious” about them! In fact, meeting them explains a whole helluva lot about me!
On 08/15/08 at 7:35 am
Sarahh said:
That makes total sense.
I didn’t want to involve my son if I wasn’t sure if we were compatible. I figure if we hang out and have fun and we click, we will work on the rest in good time.
If we two hang out and it sucks then well we have avoided all the other stuff.
On 08/15/08 at 7:25 am
Justice said:
I dread my children meeting any man that I bring into my life.
They don’t have a dad and want one and I don’t want them projecting that onto every man that I bring home.
But on the other side of it, he HAS to meet my children because I can’t have a relationship with him if he doesn’t fit into our family.
And clearly, after this last run, if the way that I parent conflicts with that person, then I’m not going to continue the relationship. That person wouldn’t SEE how I parented if they didn’t MEET my children and see me interact with them. To be with me includes being with my children.
For me, there’s no winning way to do it. I don’t have the luxury of a second parent who’s taking kids for the weekend and giving me free adult time. I don’t have a family member or a friend that will take ALL THREE OF THEM REGULARLY. There are only two options for me. Meet the kids, or don’t date. So I’m not going to date.
I mean, ideally, the point of dating, or ‘courting’, is to find a SPOUSE. A life long partner. If that person’s not cool with kids, then they are OUT as a potential candidate. Any man who dates me has to be prepared to be a dad.
On a side note, I have NO respect for my sister and the large volume of men that she slides in and out of her kids’ lives. Have some F*ing class.
On 08/15/08 at 7:38 am
Sarahh said:
It really is a complicated thing. I was lucky (kinda) I had my every other weekend and one night a week to go out and meet people etc. But I have to tell you, it gets old. And just because you leave the house doesn’t guarantee you will meet someone.
And on those nights when I didn’t go out and there was no laughter, cartoons, toys, those were the loneliest nights. The one’s without my son.
See, grass is not green anywhere!! Hahaha..
On 08/15/08 at 7:39 am
Carol said:
Justice,
I was totally with you until you said the purpose of dating is to find a spouse. I would have to disagree. Would I like to find a life long partner and have mad, passionate sex with the same man for the rest of my days….well, yes. But…the point of dating, for me, is to enrich my life. To have FUN. To learn about others and myself.
Oh…and the other stuff that goes with dating someone…lol.
I would think if your kids are always with you, when you meet men in public, they automatically meet your kids. But, that is just my two cents. Usually, by the third time I hang out with someone, I’ve determined if we will be friends. I mean, real friends. If the answer is “yes”, the next logical step for me is for them to hang out with me and the kids. If they run….well, better then as opposed to later.
On 08/15/08 at 8:29 am
AmyDame said:
Ok so I haven’t been on a date since hubby and I have separated but I have thought about this. I want to date, but I don’t want everyone that I date to meet Zoe. Not everone will be right to meet her. And also, like you said, kids scare a lot of men off. If I think that it is serious, then I will let him meet her. But I don’t want her to think that I need a man to be complete.
On 08/16/08 at 7:29 am
Carol said:
I stand by my “let them meet all your friends” message. I don’t think they need to be serious…they just need to be friends.
Not only are some not “right” to meet your Zoe, they need to earn the right to meet her. They must be good enough for you…and that is a start.
On 08/15/08 at 8:39 am
Trista said:
Good morning, all…sorry I am late to the party. And I am rather sleep deprived…but I am going to attempt to make some sense…
I, like a few of the other up there, am doing this without the ex. My boys’ sperm donor is not around, and like Justice said above me, they long for a dad.
But for me, casually meeting a guy isn’t necessarily a big deal; I have guy friends that are platonic that the kids know…to me there was no difference between someone I have deemed friend-worthy and these people already in the circle.. They know mom has a lot of friends of both the male and female persuasion…and they enjoy the times they see these people but don’t particularly ache when they don’t see them.
The difference lies in letting them know that a particular guy is more than my friend. Because I knew they would attach to a guy that I was serious about in a different way…its inevitable. If he is spending lots of quality family time with us it is only natural that he starts to feel like family.
I don’t think I made mistakes in the timing with B and the boys…but it was scary for both of us. Neither of us wanted to put the boys in a position to feel let down, but there were no guarantees. Still aren’t. But he loves us all, and we all love him. And if I hadn’t given him a chance to know my little men I wouldn’t have been giving him a chance to really know ME either.
On 08/15/08 at 8:43 am
Sarahh said:
I remember dating a guy a LONG time ago, and I only saw him when I didn’t have Noah. He stopped by one night to bring something over, I can’t remember what, and saw me with Noah and he looked funny.
I said, what’s wrong? He said, I just have never seen you in “Mom Mode” I said, I am ALWAYS in mom mode. Whether he is here or not. And if you don’t know that then this may not work out so well…
On 08/15/08 at 8:57 am
Trista said:
Exactly. We are always wearing the mom-cape…even if we sometimes have a coat on over it or something. =)
It’s funny though…as a mother, I think I have a pretty good instinct about who is going to work in the long term and who isn’t, just based on the reaction. If a man respects and admires my mom-ness…we are in a good place. But the ones that have been uncomfortable about it, or the ones that DID expect me to compartmentalize it, and keep it out of their site for the most part…well, after I got out of my “divorce-haze,” I was really left wondering what sane mother would want to spend even casual time with a guy like that.
Not this one.
On 08/15/08 at 9:09 am
Sarahh said:
I did that. I think I dated guys who I KNEW it wouldn’t work out. I wasn’t ready to move onto a serious relationship so I dated people I knew I wouldn’t get serious with.
Self Sabotage was what I was wearing over my mom-cape. Hahahaha…
I got out of that after about 2 years. Then it was time to sort out the good guys from the bad.
On 08/15/08 at 9:57 am
Trista said:
Ewww, the self-sabotage suit.
We should have a big group bonfire…
On 08/15/08 at 11:27 am
Sarahh said:
I like setting things on fire.
I mean, I will bring the marshmallows.
On 08/16/08 at 1:27 pm
Vic said:
Ummm… I am going to keep the fire extinguisher under the bed. On my side.
On 08/16/08 at 7:32 am
Carol said:
You and I are on the same page, T. I am not surprised…
Having met your boys, I can only say that it would be very easy to become attached to all three of you! But, our kids are also similar in certain ways. They do “perk up” and pay a different level of attention when they know it’s more than just friends.
On 08/15/08 at 8:44 am
Kevin M. said:
I think the point you’ve reached in how you handle this with your kids is just great, Carol. I mean, I do understand why people are instinctively protective… it can certainly be our nature. And in a way, it can suck for young kids to form a bond with someone… but then have it all taken away because of SOMEONE ELSE’S issues. But y’know what? That’s as much a part of this sometimes unfair life we live as anything else. While you want to avoid traumatic lessons… these are certainly things EVERYONE should learn sooner or later. They must if they’re to be prepared for their own adult life ahead. It seems to me you’ve found a very nice balance with it all. And hearing how you yourself learned these lessons is great.
.
On the point of people (men) having issues meeting your kids for fear of some forced commitment… it just makes me wanna slap’em upside the head. I mean seriously. Grow the F up already! Either that or go talk to someone about those insecurities you’re having, guy. People are people no matter what age. And while they may be less experienced and sometimes naive, kids still deserve to be treated like humans, after all. I’ve never had a problem meeting/hanging out with a woman and her children. I’ve never seen it as, “Oh man… I’m going on a date with this woman that I may like… and she’s bringin’ her kids! Aww man!!” To me it’s like going to hang out with 3 people (or however many). I know they have to be treated A BIT differently than adults… but not as much as many people think. They still get my respect. They get just as much attention as anyone else (Honestly? Usually more.) And I’ve always taken the opportunity to have just as much fun with them on a personal level as the woman I’m “there for”. I just don’t see them as “baggage” or “hangers on” of their mother. They are quite simply a beautiful extension of her, for one. But most definitely people in their own right. They get, AND DESERVE equal treatment from me. You don’t get one without the other when it comes to families. But all that said, you also are not “locked in” in some way just ’cause you met them. Trust me… she’s not looking to “lock you in”, ok? You’ve got PLENTY to prove before that happens, buddy. So relax. Hang out. Be yourself. I mean, as long as “being yourself” doesn’t include you being a douche about it. Lol.
On 08/15/08 at 9:10 am
Trista said:
Yay! I am always so happy to see your face.
And thank you for this. I was with one man after my divorce that referred to my boys as my
‘baggage” and wasn’t sure if he could be with someone saddled with “so much.” But they are such a huge part of me…to not accept them is to not accept me as a whole person.
On 08/15/08 at 9:14 am
Sarahh said:
OMG, a friend of mine called my friends son baggage and I almost fought him.
I think that is unforgivable.
People are NEVER baggage. Unless they are an annoying ex girfriend he refuses to stop talking to. They are baggage.
Kids - notsomuch
On 08/15/08 at 9:26 am
Kevin M. said:
“People are NEVER baggage. Unless they are an annoying ex girfriend he refuses to stop talking to. They are baggage.
Kids - notsomuch”
That’s ’cause SHE is in the way… and F’ing things up. Kids aren’t in the way. They ARE the way.
On 08/15/08 at 9:46 am
Sarahh said:
I like you ever so much.
On 08/15/08 at 10:05 am
Kevin M. said:
Hey thanks! I kinda do, too.
On 08/16/08 at 7:33 am
Carol said:
This just made me smile….
On 08/16/08 at 8:36 am
Kevin M. said:
Then my work here is done.