The seduction of an aging internet starlet
August 6, 2008 · Print This Article
What we are about to bring you is a tale of two people… as told by them in the hopes of deciphering the mysterious origins of their romance.
Welcome to the first installment of…Love-fucked (that’s a working title, folks…)
( Trista shall be in purple, her cohort in blue…as they weave the story of their unlikely…whatever the hell you call this…)
Once upon a time there was this girl who spent a lot of time on the computer. This was a girl a lot like you…a lot like me. Okay, it was me.
So This is how it went down… I was new to the computer age and had heard about this thing crazy lil’ thing called Myspace.
I was doing a little computer multi-tasking; downloading some music while playing around on Myspace.
So long story short I sign up and I begin perusing the top new blogs when I spot this chick with a fucking raccoon on her head… …now I am not a man prone to strong attachments…but something about the look on her face or the carcass on her head told me that this women would be fantastic in bed.
It was a day like any other…I was in a sentimental mood, so I was downloading some oldies but goodies. You know, Otis Redding, Louie Armstrong, Sam Cooke. Right about then a new message popped up. This was during the time when Myspace was hot and I seemed to capture the imagination of every two-bit whack job in the western hemisphere with internet capabilities, so I was nervous as I opened it.
I sent a message praising her for her musical choice and inquired as to whether she’d been privy to the stylings of Sam Cooke. I had a feeling I might be able to game her if I went the musical route. I thought I could definitely catch her off guard.
He caught me off guard… the message read: “Otis Redding good call…..that just made my day…now how ‘bout some Sam Cooke next…huh wud a ya think is it doable??” I was in the process of downloading Sam Cooke when I read his message. My first reaction… “Holy shit… how did he know what I was doing?”
I knew I had sent an absolutely stunning opening line of inquiry …and I knew it wouldn’t be long before she was begging to get to know me.
What the…? Who was this freak, and how did they know what I was doing? I had to know what the fuck was going on…but I didn’t want to seem panicked. I mean…what would YOU do? I had to send him a message.
As I suspected she threw herself at me without even a moment of reconciliatory thought.
I was creeped out…
I had her just where I wanted her.
The next several days were a full fledged assault of his super disturbing messages. He was like a stalker…never letting more than a few hours go by without contact. It was trying…but for some reason I continued our correspondence.
We began to chat back and forth quite a lot around that time period… she never wanted to go more than a couple of hours without hearing from me. We talked about everything.
His spelling was atrocious, he lol’d, he emoticon’d…all things I find rather unappealing in an e-mail. And yet I wrote back, because the odd young Texan amused me…like a hamster than won’t quit its wheel. I felt like I had stepped into an X-Files episode.
OMG…We even talked about our mutual love for the X-files. She used to tell me how she’d bet a thousand dollars that I was hotter than Mulder, lol.
He swore up and down that he was better looking than David Duchovny…by the way if you ever run into him, tell him he owes me a thousand bucks….
Time went on and I began to get attached to her. What with the constant ego petting and promises of massages with complimentary happy endings. Waffle breakfasts and road head…. she really knew how to assuage a guys fears about commitment.
I have to admit, I found toying with him a nice way to break the monotony of my work days. He would talk dirty to me, he proposed to me, planned our life together…all in the first couple of messages. Why I didn’t block him I’ll never really know. Something about this stranger was appealing. I had never been cyber-harassed in such a completely original way. He scared and fascinated me… like spam.
She was so in to me…
He was so full of himself… but somewhere along the way I realized I kinda liked the guy…kinda. And I realized I had sorta forgot to tell him I was a divorced woman with two children who was still dealing with the fallout of my last relationship.
A lifetime of road head would be awesome…slowly I could sense our bond deepening.
I sent him a message and waited…
The picture of me and her actually seemed appealing. Then one day she sent me a message entitled sigh…
And waited…
In the five minutes it took to read this message…she had two children an ex-husband and a fling that had not been completely flung as of yet. Needless to say I was a little taken aback
And 6 hours later I come to find out that he was fine with it…I should have known he would be because, well, he wanted my vag in a bad way…
But I forgave her because I’m understanding… and I thought to myself …self where you gonna find a woman who looks so good in coon skin? Plus I knew she would totally worship my righteous cock for this good deed.
We kept talking and the little jerk tricked me into asking him for his phone number. He attacked my football team …and in a moment of weakness I succumbed to temptation.
She practically begged for my digits, right… and I can’t stand to see an aging internet starlet grovel…so I obliged.
Somehow the sneaky bastard managed to trick me into calling him as well. We had begun to chat on IM, the next logical step in a cyber friendship, of course, and he started to berate me about being too chicken to call him. Told me I was probably one of those girls who swore by “the rules.” Them was fighting words, so I called. I had to…to defend my honor of course.
She practically sprinted to the phone to call me… what can I say… I know how to ruffle the feathers of romance.
Ring, ring…
- Will this fledgling romance take off or crash land?
- Will he get his road-head or will he be left in the dust once she sees he is not nearly as sexy as David Duchovny?
- Will she ever get him to stop lol-ing?
Find out in the next installment of…Love-fucked!
Whew! What do you guys think? Did we say too much? Or are you thirsty for more? Who’s side do you buy into? Can any of you relate…have you ever fallen for someone in a highly unconventional way? Share!
On 08/6/08 at 4:20 am
Sarahh said:
I buy into both.
And I say this because I lived it. Minus the internet starlet part…
I am still taken back that the man I love, the man I share a home with, I met off Kevin’s blog via myspace. Just typing it made me laugh. Nevously, but I laughed none the less.
Hahahahaha..
On 08/6/08 at 5:43 am
The Prophet said:
Can you relate to the feeling of being Love-fucked? Do you understand this concept…would you buy a t-shirt that read Love F%#@ed! Please elaborate…we need the comments.
On 08/6/08 at 6:02 am
Phoenix said:
I say, yes, yes, and yes.
Oh, and I want the rest o the story as well.
On 08/6/08 at 6:10 am
The Prophet said:
New rule… you say yes three times and you have to leave another comment. Whaa…. I don’t make the rules..I just enforce them.
On 08/6/08 at 6:36 am
Trista said:
I am making the t-shirt. I mean, I am begging Karri to make the t-shirt.
On 08/6/08 at 7:56 am
kroll said:
Please make it…i’ll buy two!
On 08/6/08 at 8:34 am
Trista said:
Karri? What says you? Anyone have an idea on the look of the shirt?
On 08/6/08 at 3:21 pm
Trista said:
What happened to Karri anyway? Do you guys think she choked on a thin-thin? =P
On 08/7/08 at 1:03 pm
troy said:
I shall also take 2!
On 08/6/08 at 6:40 am
Sarahh said:
I not only have the T-shirt, I bedazzled Love F&@&*^d on it myself!
Hahahaha…
I know that what is, is not what it started out to be. Well at least neither of us thought it would be anyway.
I mean, how many people start talking via a blog, then by myspace e-mail, then by phone, then meet, then date, then move 350 miles to move in with said person???
That sort of thing just doesn’t happen. My bedazzler and I were caught completely off guard.
On 08/6/08 at 7:08 am
Trista said:
<------This chick and that Prophet guy. Except we have a lot of bullshit in the middle, and he's further away than that and...I've already said too much. I am not good at this cliffhanger shit.
On 08/7/08 at 10:27 am
Kelly said:
Oh dear brother…you know I can relate to being love fucked:) Haha!! Enjoyed the story…very entertaining. Could’ve done with out the sexual references and penis inuendos…but captivating none the less.
Maybe you guys can help chronicle the beginning of my relationship with the 3 fingered Rock Star. LOL!! (Guess the use of emoticons and such run in the family)
On 08/7/08 at 11:10 am
Trista said:
Oh my, big sister makes an appearance and for some reason this makes me feel sheepish. You would think you were MY sister…
.
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To make up for our embarrassing sexual innuendos perhaps I shall send you a Love Fucked t-shirt?
On 08/6/08 at 6:34 am
Trista said:
Ah, come on Sarah…you are an inernet starlet too! I would love to know how Vic first approached you…outside the blog thread. Care to share?
On 08/6/08 at 6:42 am
Sarahh said:
We first (spoke??) via commenting on Kevin’s blog.
I responded to a comment he posted about an orgy…
Like any other real love story begins. Hahahahaha..
I think then we messaged? I can’t remember who first. Wonder if it is still in there?
I know I called him first. And I was so nervous I made it very short. VERY!
On 08/6/08 at 6:46 am
The Prophet said:
Mommy how did you and Daddy meet… ” Well kiddo, your dad was orating about orgies and I thought it’d be fun to join in on the group activity… next thing I know he waxed poetic about nipple clamps and testicle cuffs and well…it was just kind of meant to be I guess.” That’s gonna look great commemorated on a placard on your 50th wedding anniversary.
On 08/6/08 at 7:00 am
Trista said:
You found me on a blog I wrote about women needing to embrace their inner “naughty girl”…just sayin’.
On 08/6/08 at 7:10 am
The Prophet said:
Trouche’
On 08/6/08 at 12:14 pm
Sarahh said:
Trouche? I never even noticed, your hair looks so real!
Can you swim in it?
On 08/6/08 at 12:31 pm
Trista said:
hahahaha…It’s B’s word…I’ll let him explain it.
On 08/6/08 at 3:13 pm
The Prophet said:
I shall explain nothing…and you’ll like it. I am not your lil’ buff hamster that you can pull out on cue to do pushups in the hands of your internet stalkers. I’m human…and I’m moody..and I don’t feel like sharing
On 08/6/08 at 3:20 pm
Trista said:
Damn, you’re gonna disappoint Sarah like that?
.
.
It’s because you are embarrassed that your half of the story is as simple as your fat lips tripping up the word touche’. Then your gem of a lady-friend made it a new word to protect you from shame.
.
.
You should be kinder to your lady-friend.
On 08/6/08 at 5:40 pm
Jime said:
Not sharing? What a douché.
On 08/6/08 at 5:44 pm
The Prophet said:
Oh yeah… well youre a duve’. a wet one at that…biatch. Muahahahahaa
On 08/6/08 at 12:42 pm
the Other Tori said:
That’s sooo cool!!!
On 08/6/08 at 4:47 am
error19 said:
My current husband used to type things like “u r so cute” and say things like “peace out”. Needless to say, I had to put a stop to that before allowing him any entry into my vag.
… and then I just realized that I typed “current husband” as if there was another husband before him or that there’ll be another after him…
On 08/6/08 at 5:45 am
The Prophet said:
Let me get this straight… your man told you you were cute albeit in an abreviated text version… and you were annoyed. Man, I don’t get u grls. Can’t you jus b :)??
On 08/6/08 at 6:38 am
Trista said:
Someone texted R U Coming and I swear…it really made me not want to! It didn’t help that the person behind the text is a teacher. I weep for the future.
On 08/6/08 at 7:55 am
kroll said:
I complain constantly that texting and IMs are ruining the English language. wat do u think? That made me a little nauseous just typing that. I often correct other peoples’ spelling/grammar mistakes at work, especially if it’s something going to a client.
On 08/6/08 at 8:36 am
Trista said:
Don’t even get me started…and it’s one thing for the kids to be doing it…that’s sad enough. but the over 30 set? Who do you people think you are kidding??! You don’t look hip, you look like you are suffering from early onset dementia!
.
.
Yeah…this is a sore subject for me.
On 08/6/08 at 5:17 am
Chris said:
At least it wasn’t on Match, eHarmony, Chemistry, OKCupid, JapanCupid, OCBachlorettes, SciConnect, or PlentyOfFish!
.
Not that I’m familiar with any Internet dating sites, or anything.
On 08/6/08 at 5:47 am
The Prophet said:
The Plenty of fish sight intrigues me…but then there’s always that practical side of me that says… how fresh could the fish at this fucking place possibly be?
On 08/6/08 at 6:40 am
Trista said:
I met the guy before “the prophet” on Match. Shhhhhh…don’t tell him.
On 08/6/08 at 6:42 am
The Prophet said:
YOU JEZEBELLE!!!
On 08/6/08 at 6:44 am
Trista said:
awww, did you just call me pretty?
On 08/6/08 at 4:27 pm
The Prophet said:
Please ignore the E
On 08/6/08 at 5:17 pm
Trista said:
I thought it was love, but alas…just a typo. Story of my life…with B.
On 08/6/08 at 6:42 am
Trista said:
Hey Prophet…What do you mean the ‘Plenty of Fish’ sign intrigues you? Are you giving up our not-so-happy ending already??
On 08/6/08 at 6:43 am
The Prophet said:
It was a hypothetical….jeez.
On 08/6/08 at 7:02 am
Trista said:
Likely story.
On 08/6/08 at 5:32 am
Meghan said:
‘…well, he wanted my vag in a bad way…’
Hahaha!
I think both sides have a pretty good handle on this love story!!!!
On 08/6/08 at 5:40 am
The Prophet said:
Her viewpoint is obviously skewed and biased… Trista just doesn’t remember how infatuated she was with me… My sotries accurate…and I’m totally better looking than Mulder.
On 08/6/08 at 10:18 am
Meghan said:
I’ll give you the Trophy for looks against Mulder. Just doesn’t do it for me. Although I’ll probably get these points taken away when I announce I haven’t seen ONE episode of the X-Files…eek!
On 08/6/08 at 10:22 am
Trista said:
Whaaaaaa??
.
.
What about Californiacation??
On 08/6/08 at 10:25 am
Meghan said:
Nope, no X Files, I couldn’t even tell you how long it was on TV. Flew right past my guide schedule.
.
Californication on the other hand is awesome! I’ve watched the whole season at least twice…
On 08/6/08 at 10:29 am
Trista said:
The real question is…did you ever watch him on ‘Red Shoe Diaries?’
.
.
aaaand I just dated myself. And labeled myself as a cheesy tv viewer.
On 08/6/08 at 10:37 am
Meghan said:
Never saw it, Showtime? Was that like…high school?! Catching me watching erotica in high school would have given my poor mid western mother a ‘hairt atteck’!
On 08/6/08 at 10:51 am
Trista said:
Yeah…I was a perverted teenage.
.
.
.
so basically nothing has changed.
On 08/6/08 at 3:12 pm
Meghan said:
I’m pretty sure my mother always suspected me as a perverted teen. Of course, getting sent home for passing dirty notes on the back of my science homework didn’t help.
On 08/6/08 at 3:51 pm
Rex said:
I REMEMBER THAT SHIT!
…I think I was 12 or 13. Maybe 11.
On 08/6/08 at 3:55 pm
Meghan said:
Did you have to read it in front of class too…maybe Mr. So and So should have done some proof reading for trying to embarrass MOI!
On 08/6/08 at 4:26 pm
Trista said:
I went to a christian school…I got in trouble for gum chewing. I think there would have been some swooning in class if any of my dirty notes had been intercepted. And of course LOTS of praying.
On 08/6/08 at 4:36 pm
Meghan said:
Considering my note was all about said teacher having a small crank and making sweet love one of the nail holes in the Science Board…I may have deserved the punishment.
Unfortunately, he went and stood at the back of the class like an ass to witness my embarrassing read, was 65 years old with a bad hip and couldn’t reach me fast enough to rip the note out of my hands before sending me down to the Principles Office.
On 08/6/08 at 6:43 am
Trista said:
he really did. He still does. Don’t let him tell you different.
.
More like a Love-wreck!
On 08/6/08 at 6:49 am
The Prophet said:
(rimshot)…. aaaand (crickets)
On 08/6/08 at 7:02 am
Trista said:
No…we really are a…nevermind. You can take your rimshot and shove it up your…I need more coffee.
On 08/6/08 at 6:01 am
Phoenix said:
NO ONE is better looking than David Duchovny. Finite.
On 08/6/08 at 6:09 am
The Prophet said:
How dare you suggest that I am a liar. FIlth flarn and filth…all of it!! I will not tolerate this kind of treatment from a child psychologist. Aren’t you supposed to be about building up dreams and ego strength … not tearing down the illusions on which I am able to survive?
On 08/6/08 at 6:46 am
Trista said:
Come on… Mulder is the man. I still want to act out dirty X-Files some day…
.
.
Sigh…someday.
On 08/6/08 at 6:48 am
The Prophet said:
Just as long as you don’t insist on being agent dogget any more…it just feels icky, okay.
On 08/6/08 at 7:09 am
Trista said:
Why do you always have to squash my fantasies, huh?
On 08/6/08 at 6:49 am
Cassie said:
The story’s unfolding nicely!! Plus, I have to know if he gets the roadhead!! hahahahahahaah
On 08/6/08 at 6:50 am
The Prophet said:
Yeah… I’m dying to know as well
On 08/6/08 at 7:11 am
Trista said:
Me too!
On 08/6/08 at 7:14 am
Jime said:
Ah, love.
I like the typo of “Needles” instead of “Needless”. Tee-hee. You left that in on purpose didn’t ya, Trista? I think it’s a good story. I like the back and forth.
On 08/6/08 at 7:28 am
The Prophet said:
What’s wrong with needles, huh noodles?
Watch out or I’ll spin you around on my fork and then bite your head off. (I have no idea why I said any of that …I have a.d.d. and I get really….hey something shiney! yeaaaa)
On 08/6/08 at 7:30 am
Jime said:
Haha. Noodles to say…I deserve to get my head bitten off today. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good ass-kicking. I’m due.
On 08/6/08 at 7:32 am
Trista said:
Oops…I was TIRED! Now I suppose its too late to edit it out, huh?
On 08/6/08 at 7:48 am
Jime said:
Leave it. It has verve.
On 08/6/08 at 7:59 am
The Prophet said:
It has verve. Nice… I’m trying to work rubix in as future slang…I’ll give you an example.
“Yo, my last relationship was rubix dawg… I don’t know if I wanna put up with that kind of headache again.” Or… ” OH that shit was rubix dawg… I don’t even know how he did dat.” I’m still waiting to see if the black community is going to embrace it or not…as with the elction…the blacks weild alot of power when it comes to this kind of thing. MAybe I should start a petition.