The spendthrift and the weirdo
August 20, 2008 · Print This Article
Previously on “Love-fucked” you were introduced to the Texan and the Age-d Internet Starlet. They began their unconventional romance on the pages of a social networking site…while living over 1000 miles apart. Last we saw these two fledgling lovebirds they were about to embark upon a new leg of the journey into amore’…the telephone call. We now Join T as she not so patiently waits for B to pick up the damn phone…
(T’s thoughts will be black, her dialogue in purple, and B’s dialog, blue.)
B: Hello
Rawr, sexy voice, bonus. Except…
T: You don’t sound anything like Gonzo….
He claimed to sound like the big-nosed blue muppet. And he doesn’t. He lied? So he’s a LIAR! Hello, red flag!
B: And you don’t have Ms. Piggy’s 401k, what’s your point?
Well, THAT was rude! He has no clue how much money I have saved…Wait! Is he saying I seem like a spendthrift? This conversation is already wrong, wrong, wrong!
T: How do you know about my finances, hmm, chief?
B: Well, I’m flipping through you’re bank statements right now…and I used to date Ms. Piggy…so I don’t know, call it an educated guess.
T: Hahahahha… (sigh)
I laugh, but I want to cry. What the Hell? FREEAAAK! Now I don’t know if he is a stalker…or a plain ol’ weirdo.
T: Oh yeah, well where do I spend the most money then, smartie?
B: Hmmm…. coffee shops, taco stands… self help books? Like most Californians I reckon…yep.
T: Whatever…
Shiiit, how’d he KNOW? I need to go back through the e-mails…hold on, did he just say “I reckon??” Yep…
Completely out of character, I had taken this strange young squire from the Southwest’s phone number. And I had actually called it. Because he baited me…over and over! And like a dumb animal I took the bait… over and over! Now here we were on the phone, and he was doing it yet again. And for some reason quite beyond my understanding…I was enjoying it. Was I being brainwashed?
I awoke in the morning with the phone stuck to my face and a 9 hour conversation hangover. What had just happened? The night before was a blur of oddly intoxicating ideas, strange voices and backhanded compliments. I mean, this man actually accused my vagina of being a planet eating black hole…and instead of getting mad, I giggled like a damn school girl!
That night I talked to him again. Then we talked again the next night, and so on for week after week. I found him to be weird and pushy and borderline obsessive…and still, I found myself lamenting when I missed a call or e-mail from him. Until…
B: I should move out there
Aauch-haa! Look at B, getting quick with the funnies. Alright, sucka-butt!
T: Heh… yeah and then you can do me everyday, and we can play monopoly with the old hippies down at Venice Beach.
B: Yeah I think it’s doable. I’d have to get a job though. Hmmm.
What, not even a chuckle? Still, he’s got aaalll kinds a’jokes tonight. I can top him…riiiiight now, watch-this-shit…
T: Mmmhhmmmm…You can totally get a job as a head waiter at the fancy French restaurant nearby and whisk me and the kids into a world of curmudgeonly chefs and salacious gossip, n’est-ce pas?
B: That’s a great idea…I have waiting experience…that’s a good starter job. I can pick up another one…and I can live with you! Yeah…you have room, right?
Wait, is he trying to one-up me here? Because he’s not being very joke-y. In fact, he seems kinda serious…
T: Umm, wha? Well, uhhh, ummm, too bad you cannot survive in LA without a car…lovely idea though…perhaps instead we can both run away and join the cir…
B: I’ll buy one… I’m going to look into plane tickets.
What the…?
T: B, can you call I call you back I’ve got hair in my washing mach-iiit..I meanIgot…I got clothes in the sh…iiit. I gotta wash my laundry and do hair. M’kay Bye bye.
B: Okaa…(Click) ?
T: (dial tone…)
B: Hello….THE? Where art thou? C’mon you didn’t really hang up…hello?
Okay…this just got crazy. This…this… cyber-stranger is trying to BUY PLANE TICKETS! He’s talking about MOVING IN WITH ME!! Where’s my inhaler…wait, I don’t even have asthma…but I can’t breathe!
I had to think, and fast…and so my mind went to the one thing that seemed to scare off every guy in my life since I was 12 years old… ( dun dun dun)
MY DAD!
- Is B seriously going to fly out to California…and if so what discount ticket sight will he utilize?
- Will T recover from her panicked state?
- Is her father as scary as Wilfred Brimley?
- What other celestial bodies might we find in T’s vagina?
Tuuuuuuune in next time….for the next addition of love fucked!
What’s the biggest risk you’ve taken for love? Would you move 1000 miles to live with someone you’ve never actually met? How fast is too fast? Are these two crazy kids making a huge mistake? Would you have kept talking to this weirdo? Thoughts, folks!
On 08/20/08 at 4:09 am
Carol said:
The biggest risk for love? I embraced the one who flew across the ocean to meet me in person…for the brief time we were together.
I would not move my life ANYWHERE for someone I had never met. And,I am an open minded, free-spirited kind of girl.
Is Heaven a celestial body? Cuz, I’m banking on the fact your B found a bit of it!!!
On 08/20/08 at 6:25 am
Trista said:
I once moved 300 miles for a man I hardly knew…I was young and dumb and…well, he seemed like fun. But the fun didn’t last long. And that was probably the last wildly impetuous thing I did.
I think I’m gun shy now.
And that is why my moving takes months of preparation.
On 08/20/08 at 7:52 am
Carol said:
Oh, make no mistake. I have driven hundreds of miles…more than once. I don’t really see that as FOR a guy…always tend to see that as FOR me. Who knows…the possibility exists that one of them could ultimately be the ideal man and partner to me. I’ve driven across town naked for a man…I’ve done ALL kinds of things in the name of almighty love. I just do them a lot less frequently with two kids and a life which is already full.
Preparation is good…for LOTS of things. *giggle*
On 08/20/08 at 8:51 am
Vic said:
<—– used to drive 400 miles BOTH WAYS to see this hot little number up in North Florida. Decided I was spending too much on gas, and just moved here.
On 08/20/08 at 9:23 am
Trista said:
Wait…400 miles, one way? yeah…that’s pretty nutty.
It took you a few months of that before you moved though, yea? How long did you two talk before you met up?
On 08/20/08 at 11:14 am
Vic said:
A year before we took the move-in leap… 2 months, or so, of talking before we met in person.
On 08/20/08 at 11:17 am
Trista said:
See, I think that was pretty well timed.
On 08/20/08 at 11:20 am
Vic said:
Time will tell, won’t it?
Glad that timing was better than my comedic timing…
On 08/20/08 at 9:26 am
Trista said:
Yeah, Carol…I did the 300 miles FOR this guy…I was 21…and well, crazy.
I am much improved 10 years later.
On 08/20/08 at 12:53 pm
Carol said:
See…maybe that is the difference in our ages showing. I would no longer do anything just FOR someone else, without knowing it was FOR me, as well. Not in a selfish way…more in the “if I’m disappointed with this adventure, it’s only on ME” kind of way.” I have to own it or I can’t do it. Kind of applies to everything.
On 08/20/08 at 1:55 pm
Trista said:
It was definitely a dumb 21 year old mistake…no doubt. I convinced myself at the time that I wanted to do it too but no…
Like I said, I have learned a lot in the 10 years that have passed since then.
My next move will be happening because both parties want it to. =)
On 08/20/08 at 4:15 am
Sarahh said:
Wilford Brimley, the Diabeetus supply pusher?? He is one scary mo fo. That is a fact. I mean what IS under that mustache??
That was hysterical!! I am pining to read the rest. This is like those friggin Stephanie Meyer Books…
On 08/20/08 at 6:27 am
Trista said:
B is obsessed with Wilfred Brimley…and he swears mt dad reminds him of the guy. I don’t see it. And my dad does NOT rock a stash like that.
I am glad you are enjoying it…sometimes I really can’t believe I lived it…
On 08/20/08 at 8:50 am
Vic said:
Does your dad have a pornstache? ‘Cuz that would be cool…
On 08/20/08 at 9:24 am
Trista said:
He used to. Then he did the Manson-beard. Now he has a respectably trimmed goatee / stache combo.
On 08/20/08 at 11:15 am
Vic said:
Like Colonel Sanders???
On 08/20/08 at 11:21 am
Prophet said:
Imagine colonel sanders…David Wells …and Wilford Brimley in a threesome (gag)…the byproduct would be her father.
On 08/20/08 at 11:23 am
Vic said:
That thought would never have possibly entered my mind until you jut typed it. Now it will never leave.
You will pay for that, you hairy baboon… You. Will. Pay.
On 08/20/08 at 11:32 am
Prophet said:
I have much wampum….but little cash. You take vouchers?
On 08/20/08 at 11:34 am
Vic said:
No, but I take Brobdignagians.
On 08/20/08 at 6:14 am
Karri said:
I think T’s vajaja may actually change his personality. Yep, that’s what I think.
Great job, kids. I’m loving the sneak peek!
On 08/20/08 at 6:27 am
Trista said:
I am not the one with the personality changing vagina around these parts!
On 08/20/08 at 7:42 am
Karri said:
Maybe, maybe not…we shall see.
On 08/20/08 at 8:53 am
Vic said:
I’ll be the judge of this!!!
On 08/20/08 at 9:28 am
Trista said:
I don’t think my mans would approve…nor would your life changing vagina-haver.
On 08/20/08 at 11:25 am
Vic said:
Probably not. Maybe we should ask George Clooney to judge?
On 08/20/08 at 11:27 am
Trista said:
Mmmm…Clooney. I would think I would get a free pass for Clooney…right B?
On 08/20/08 at 11:28 am
Vic said:
Hell, T-baggs… I’d get a free pass for Clooney!
On 08/20/08 at 11:39 am
Prophet said:
No…no Clooney. He did a stint on Facts of Life…and T has a strict no “Tootie” talk during sex rule…until she relents… I’m gonna have to put my foot down.
(Mmmm…Tooootie)
On 08/20/08 at 11:46 am
Vic said:
I had to IMDB that. I bow to you, sir… nice reference. 17 episodes.
Sarah would be proud of your useless knowledge application. Come to think of it, the four of us should play Trivial Pursuit on a conference call!
On 08/20/08 at 6:32 am
~Lori~ said:
I did the LD thing for two years, sadly it didn’t work out. I even covered more distance than these two, 1900 miles, several times. I don’t regret it. I was willing to move out there, wanted to very much, he had issues and bounced back and forth on it, left me in limbo. Down to brass tax though, both individuals need to want it as much as the other. Besides do the traveling thing back and forth a few times. Maybe even as I did and spend a several weeks doing a trial living together, I did for five weeks one summer. Let’s you know if you can actually pull it off or not… Anything worthwhile, you have to take the risk, and just jump.
There are no guarantees in this life or in love, so just enjoy the ride.
On 08/20/08 at 6:35 am
Trista said:
Any relationship is a risk if you put your heart into it, long distance or not.
As for these two…well, there are many trials and tribulations still to come in their tale, just you wait. But like all ongoing sagas, I don’t know the end yet…but I feel pretty good about it.
On 08/20/08 at 7:32 am
Cap'n Nina said:
I packed up and left everything I ever knew behind me one day and was married a little over a month later…all on phone calls and three meetings. Every relationship is a risk, but if you don’t take the risk then you’ll never know if it could’ve been “THE ONE.” Of course, there’s always the risk that he’s a crazy stalker psycho who is soon to be homeless and has suddenly found someone who’ll let him crash on her couch for six months with no job and letting her support him and his porn addiction. Just sayin’….
On 08/20/08 at 7:50 am
Carol said:
I had no idea!! Wow, and you two have a solid relationship all these years later. You wild, impetuous woman, you!!! Go, Nina!
On 08/20/08 at 1:13 pm
Cap'n Nina said:
LOL Thanks Carol… ;P Yeah…whirlwind romance and all that and yeah…we’re solid as a rock. I can’t imagine not having taken the chance on him. I don’t think I would have ever been happy without him. The thing is…with all the chats and phone calls, we got to know each other without having to worry about whether or not to get physical. So, when I finally moved out here, it was like we had been together all along. Our lives just meshed perfectly. *sigh* I’m gonna get all teary in a minute.
On 08/20/08 at 8:54 am
Vic said:
You’ve met my cousin Al?
On 08/20/08 at 9:54 am
Trista said:
Met him? I am pretty sure I married him! Only he wasn’t going by Al…
On 08/20/08 at 11:13 am
Vic said:
He went by “Bertha” before the surgery.
On 08/20/08 at 11:20 am
Trista said:
I definitely didn’t marry a Bertha! I just married a porn addicted couch dweller.
Oops.
On 08/20/08 at 11:21 am
Vic said:
There’s nothing inherently wrong witth that in theory… unless he didn’t try out new porn-inspired moves on you and expected you to pay for the cable and all the cheetos!
On 08/20/08 at 11:24 am
Prophet said:
Holy shit vic…you know Al? I think we’re related man…sorry, bro I know this comes as quite a disappointment. You’ll get over it though…eventually…
On 08/20/08 at 11:26 am
Vic said:
Not too much of a surprise… too many glaring similarities.
Never tie your shoelaces around Al, though…
On 08/20/08 at 9:31 am
Trista said:
Absolutely, no risk, no reward.
But my friends all thought I was crazy at the beginning of this…and that he was crazier. Most of them probably still do. But I know what I am doing and why I am doing it…what else matters?
On 08/20/08 at 11:37 am
Vic said:
Our friends thought the same. They’ve folded, though. We make a cute enough couple to shove their cynicism right back up their butts.
On 08/20/08 at 7:40 am
Lanier said:
I flew over to Korea to be w/ him. He was in the military. I maxed out the rest of my Credit Card for the whole trip, he was supposed to help me w/ all that, did he NO! Ass… but for the right man (that I have now) Id do it all again.
On 08/20/08 at 9:31 am
Trista said:
So I take it you are not with Korea anymore?
On 08/20/08 at 9:40 am
Lanier said:
Him and I split late of last year… We had been together off and on for 4 yrs. I was the one doing all the traveling, w/ our little girl. I drove 11 1/2 hours one way to see him for about an hour… The man I am w/ now, we are only an hour apart, its a two way street w/ us. And thats how our relationship has started from the get go. Im loving it more as the time goes by.
On 08/20/08 at 9:51 am
Trista said:
More than anything else, relationships need to be two sided. I am glad you found someone that respects you and loves you enough to meet you half way!
On 08/20/08 at 8:48 am
Vic said:
So… there was no actual banging to be had prior to the decision to move out there to join you? Your vagina must be some kind of planetary-swallowing-forced vortex.
I mean, come on now… your voice ain’t that damned sexy.
Mine is!
On 08/20/08 at 9:32 am
Trista said:
My voice may not be that sexy, but the pictures I send are.
Huzah!
On 08/20/08 at 11:12 am
Vic said:
They’re above average…
On 08/20/08 at 11:21 am
Trista said:
You really have no idea…or you better not. And if you DO know, B is a dead man.
On 08/20/08 at 11:24 am
Vic said:
He’s got better ones???
On 08/20/08 at 11:28 am
Trista said:
With cumquats…
On 08/20/08 at 11:33 am
Vic said:
Mmmmm… cumquats!
On 08/20/08 at 11:33 am
Vic said:
DAMN YOU FOR NOT LETTING ME POST PICS!!!
On 08/20/08 at 9:17 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
If the only relationship I’ve had with someone is in the digital-long distance world then I would have to hold off any significant decisions, such as moving in, until I was sure I was happy or content with the longevity of that decision.
.
Certainly some time needs to be given to give two people a chance to find synchronicity with each other and establish a foundation, but once that point has been reached in confidence then it’s really the decision of the persons when to evolve their relationship (I’ve started a relationship with someone after only knowing them for one week - and another after slowly dating for 5 months - it’s not TIME that’s the factor… it’s the connection)
On 08/20/08 at 9:38 am
Trista said:
So you don’t believe a meaningful connection can be detected through electronic means?
I might have agreed with you once…before I met that B guy up there…
On 08/20/08 at 9:49 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
No, a meaningful connection can certainly be established in the digital world (I have unlimited texts and myspace so I certainly subscribe to the virtual world) - I would just feel more comfortable to spend time with them in person a few times before making any significant decisions with them
On 08/20/08 at 9:53 am
Trunks Kirshner said:
I feel that there are idiosyncratic factors of a person’s persona that can only be realized in ‘closer interaction’ - not that these factors are a deal breaker or maker, but they may be meaningful components when making a big decision about someone
On 08/20/08 at 10:20 am
Trista said:
Believe me…I understand. I was a-scared to have him fly out at all…as you can clearly see above.
On 08/20/08 at 9:25 am
E said:
I flew 7,800 miles to stay with a guy I’d never met, got engaged to him six days into the trip, flew back the 13th day, procured an apartment for us, he flew here three months later after much money-saving, we got married the 10th day he was here. Still married, 19 months later. So yeah, that’s probably pretty impetuous. But if it’s working, it’s working. There’s a fine line between romantic and spontaneous and psycho/unhinged. Trust your instincts with this guy. He might be the former, in which case you might not want to miss out!
On 08/20/08 at 9:57 am
Prophet said:
Is it possible that he is both former and latter?
On 08/20/08 at 9:58 am
Trista said:
We are talking about you here? In that case yes…You are definitely a psychotically unhinged spontaneous romantic.
On 08/20/08 at 9:57 am
Trista said:
You two crazy kids are inspirational, seriously. I love the tale of your unconventional love.
So he relocated from where?
On 08/20/08 at 11:08 am
E said:
He was born and raised in Wellington, New Zealand.
And yeah, I’m probably a little of both unhinged and romantic. It’s part of my charm.
On 08/20/08 at 11:16 am
Trista said:
If you can go finding a man in New Zealand, I can do it in Texas!
And I agree, your crazy romantic-ness is quite charming.
On 08/20/08 at 11:18 am
Vic said:
I hear it’s hard to separate the Kiwis from their sheep.
On 08/20/08 at 11:28 am
Prophet said:
It’s even tougher to seperate a texan from his cattle… (nervous laughter)…I mean I’m a proud supporter of the 4H…that’s all, I swear. (looks away sheepishly)
On 08/20/08 at 11:30 am