The Walk of Shame
April 22, 2008 · Print This Article
Ahhhh…the aroma of fresh coffee, the scent was familiar but the surroundings were not. Blurry raccoon eyes, a mouth that tasted like the bottom of a gutter and flashbacks of the previous evenings bouts of tonsil hockey can only mean one thing…someone was a filthy dirty whore who didn’t leave her first date P.D.A on the dance floor.
Aside from the sheer and utter and stupidity that I could have just possibly spent the night with Jeffrey Dahmer Jr., I found myself faced with the inner turmoil that plagues many women after engaging in the unexpected sleepover. Forget the mental tennis match of whether or not I’d made a poor decision, currently the more pressing issue I had to contend with was my lack of essential personal belongings and unknown whereabouts.
Sure, he was kind enough to offer me an unused toothbrush and his gawd awful Arm & Hammer toothpaste (who has the need to eliminate freezer odor from their mouth?) but that did nothing to resolve the undeniable tragic mess staring back at me in the mirror. What’s a girl to do? With no gym bag in the trunk of my car, or unpacked luggage from a recent weekend jaunt, I was left no choice but to head out into the light of day making the best use of the compact and lip gloss stowed away in my tiny clutch.
Rather than silently slip out the front door I reluctantly accepted his breakfast offer. And like a beacon in the night that can be seen a mile away I proceeded to perform the “walk of shame.” We’ve all seen her on Sunday mornings donning her oversized sunglasses and wet n’ crusty panties… oh the joy of being single and unprepared!
In light of my catastrophe I’ve devised a plan to save single ladies from ever having to experience my embarrassment. Like any responsible adult, we should all have an Emergency Preparedness Kit. Packaged properly no one will ever be the wiser that your fear of getting caught in an earthquake or hurricane is actually a disguise for those unplanned nights away from home. Not to mention some contents may even serve double-duty.
A flashlight:
When your conscience gets the better of you and you’re attempting a pre-sunrise getaway you don’t want to trip over his sneakers or step on Fido.
Plastic Bags and Duct Tape:
Great for shelter in a storm, or do-it-yourself bondage gear. Buyers beware: Not great if you have in fact just bedded a serial killer.
Ready Made Meals:
You’ll need your strength to face the day, not to mention most bachelors aren’t big on keeping the fridge stocked.
First Aid Supplies:
Stash your condoms and lube amongst the band-aids and antibiotic ointment and don’t neglect to include antiseptic wipes and aspirin.
Comfortable shoes, casual clothes and clean panties:
Avoid being the mockery of strangers… 4-inch heels and miniskirts don’t belong at brunch. Aim for conservative and perhaps your date might overlook the fact that he’s known you less than 24 hours!
Ladies, this one’s for you…for the nights you wish you could forget, the ones you happily remember, and those that you hope no one ever finds out about.
On 04/22/08 at 5:46 am
Fiona said:
I think we’ve all done that walk of shame at least once. I actually caught the bus home at 7am wearing high ass heals and club clothes. Oy.
Now I’m glad I drive.
On 04/22/08 at 5:54 am
Karri said:
OUCH! I just cringed a little for you.
On 04/22/08 at 12:43 pm
Karri said:
I have to go back into the dungeon and extract pores. Everyone play nice and I’ll be back in an hour.
KISSKISS
LOVELOVE
On 04/22/08 at 5:48 am
Sarahh said:
In a small town, you remember the guys name. Because he sat behind you in Geometry all Junior year.
Trust me it is worse.
If it weren’t for a pair of sunglasses and just one cigarette and a drive up Starbucks, that ride would be unbearable.
Torture via foggy soggy vodka drenched memories.
*Shudder*
On 04/22/08 at 5:56 am
Karri said:
“If it weren’t for a pair of sunglasses and just one cigarette and a drive up Starbucks, that ride would be unbearable.” HAHAA! You know where the night is headed when you count your ciggies to make sure to save one for the dreaded drive home. Note to self: Add a pack to the emergency kit!
On 04/22/08 at 6:01 am
Sarahh said:
Funny thing is, hangover ciggarettes suck. I don’t know why.
I do remember one night thinking, I should vomit. I can’t vomit here. But I can’t make the ceiling stop swaying. Put a foot on the floor that should do it. Fuck. Nope.
Passing out.
When I got home the only thing I had to eat were cookie and cream ice cream sandwiches. I ate 2 hoping to keep the Jager bombs defused in my poor belly.
No such luck.
I can’t eat cookie and cream ANYTHING now.
Booo…..
On 04/22/08 at 6:08 am
Karri said:
Jager + cookies and ice cream…that’s vomit in the making right there!
Riddle me this…why do men not have the same plight? Not fair I tell ya, not fair at all!
On 04/22/08 at 6:35 am
Sarahh said:
They do the sneak out of shame.
Or the “Yeah, yeah, let’s hang out later” with no call/ answer diversion shame.
Or the, FUCK how did I pass out here, I have an early appt. lie of shame.
We just feel worse about it than they do. In actuality (sp?) I never felt bad about anything I did. I remember thinking, perhaps I could have done that differently, but I came out unscathed, so oh well! Some nights I thought, Hell YEAH!!!
Ha I sound like a hooker.
Sweet…
On 04/22/08 at 6:44 am
Karri said:
Bloody double-standards!
And if it makes you feel any better, I’m certain that there’s one or two that I couldn’t pick out of a line-up if my life depended on it. Whoopsie.
On 04/22/08 at 10:07 am
Kevin said:
I think it’s made worse by our different forms of dress. Guys are usually out in, whether dressy or casual, a button-up shirt and pants/jeans. Next day?… doesn’t look all that out of place. However, girls get all dolled up in shiny dresses, -high heels, make-up and hair of a supermodel, etc. And ALL of it goes to hell overnight, what with all the rolling around in the sack, sleeping on someone’s bathroom floor, or having “My God what IS that?!” dried into your hair. Make the walk with all of THAT out of place and I would assume it’s a bit more humbling than it is for guys.
Don’t hate us.
On 04/22/08 at 12:13 pm
Karri said:
If I had to pick a reason to hate men, this surely wouldn’t be it. Jealous… yes. Hate…eh, not so much.
On 04/22/08 at 12:26 pm
Kevin said:
Plus… we know you. You couldn’t hate men if your botox depended on it. LMAO!
On 04/22/08 at 12:36 pm
Karri said:
Touche’
On 04/22/08 at 9:17 am
troy said:
men DO go thru this too!
we know when she wants us the hell out of her place- so we gotta put on our crusty socks & boxers, hope she has some mouthwash, and head into the daylight with gel flakes in our hair.
not a comfortable state-of-being to be in…
On 04/22/08 at 9:22 am
Karri said:
tee-hee!!!
That visual makes me giggle, thanks Troy!
But c’mon you can hardly compare crusty boxers to a crusty thong.
On 04/22/08 at 9:35 am
Rex said:
Why must everything be CRUSTY??? Jesus Christ.
On 04/22/08 at 10:09 am
Kevin said:
It’s what happens when things first become moist… and then… are not.
Lol. It’s kind of the nature of the universe.
On 04/22/08 at 10:23 am
Rex said:
I may not have much experience, but with me panties are off before they’re soaked…
On 04/22/08 at 10:27 am
Kevin said:
Yes… your inexperience is showing. Lol.
Some of THE ABSOLUTE BEST SEX YOU WILL EVER HAVE usually occurs BECAUSE her panties are soaked. Write that down!
On 04/22/08 at 10:30 am
Rex said:
Why waste paper? It appears I have another half-decade to go.
On 04/22/08 at 12:15 pm
Karri said:
Okay you two, as happy as I am that I could leave for 2 hours and return to find everyone playing nicely…I am eating here.
On 04/22/08 at 12:25 pm
Kevin said:
Are you saying it disgusts you to soak your panties? O.o
On 04/22/08 at 12:27 pm
Karri said:
No, no, no…don’t be silly! I’m saying that discussing crust while eating cheesy lasagna is making me a wee bit queasy.
On 04/22/08 at 12:30 pm
Kevin said:
HAHAHA! Gotcha.
And I’m already freaking starving… but mmmmmm… hot, melty, cheesy lasagna! *drool*
I’ll be back….
On 04/22/08 at 12:31 pm
Rex said:
Oh ye of a sensible palate…
On 04/22/08 at 5:51 am
Trista said:
The Pat Benatar dance at the end made it so worth watching.
Going in to buy cigarettes and coffee at the 711 the morning after was always awesome. Those guys were so judgmental!
On 04/22/08 at 5:57 am
Karri said:
Isn’t that video awesome?! I hope you like it too…it’s our new theme song.
Are your comments centered? What the…?
On 04/22/08 at 5:51 am
Carol said:
someone was a filthy dirty whore who didn’t leave her first date P.D.A on the dance floor.
I laughed so hard when I read that line that I nearly cried.
It’s been such a long time, but I do vaguely remember such a morning. Your FDW Kit would have been helpful!
On 04/22/08 at 5:59 am
Karri said:
Did you hear the line in the song “you’re a dirty filthy whore…” HA! I knew you’d appreciate this. Thanks!
On 04/22/08 at 8:02 am
Carol said:
I’ve supported you two from day one…
I still like the way you say it better than the way she sings it.
On 04/22/08 at 8:09 am
Karri said:
Yes, yes you have and in case we haven’t told you lately, we truly appreciate it!!!
On 04/22/08 at 6:24 am
Cassie said:
meh…one of the reasons I ALWAYS drive…and I usually don’t make it to morning, anyway!!! LOL
On 04/22/08 at 6:30 am
Karri said:
Cass, I think we can all agree that you are the voice of reason for Eve-101.
On 04/22/08 at 6:39 am
Cassie said:
MAY the Lord help you then, cause if that’s the case, y’all are in deep shit!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahah
On 04/22/08 at 6:47 am
Karri said:
Well then I will just patiently wait for the day when I gasp in horror and say “Oh, no she didn’t!”
On 04/22/08 at 6:28 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
I used to carry an emergency kit for my girlfriend. We never knew if she was going to have enough energy to drive home at night, so I packed her a bag. After it ended, she left it in my car. Other than the panties, it worked well for a casual thing a few weeks later! And yes, both of you, I know I’m a pig for using her emergency kit with someone else, but why not? she told me she was pregnant with my child and didn’t want to see me again.
On 04/22/08 at 6:32 am
Karri said:
1) Sweet of you.
2) EEEEEEWWWWWW!
3) At least you didn’t re-gift her panties?
On 04/22/08 at 6:41 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
I’m glad to see that I didn’t get torn into on this one like I expected to. I fully expected a more vocal response, sort of like when we play those bedroom games, but not as prolonged.
On 04/22/08 at 6:48 am
Karri said:
I was too busy choking back the vomit.
On 04/22/08 at 6:53 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
It wasn’t my fault, we were in Newport at her friend’s place. She didn’t have anything to wear, because it was a stupid college toga party. She needed something the would cover a little more than the square of fabric had the night before. After all, it made most of T’s mini’s look like a lot of clothing.
On 04/22/08 at 6:59 am
Karri said:
Sugarcoat it all you like my friend, it’s still gross!
On 04/22/08 at 7:15 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
Hey, I was 19, do you really expect a young dumb full of cum guy to think of these things? Now days I would expect you to have your own. You do have one, right? You’ll need it next time we get together.
On 04/22/08 at 7:40 am
Karri said:
UMMMMM….HELLO? I obviously do NOT own one.
On 04/22/08 at 8:19 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
Sorry, I forgot. You aren’t doing those things right now. Still looking for Mr. Right whether he be right now or not. Of course, my offer still stands, you can join The Hawaiian and I as a 3rd, then I be your baby daddy.
On 04/22/08 at 8:20 am
Balancing Good & Evil Daily said:
Wow, when did I start typing in Engrish? It sounds like one of my Korean vendors wrote the end of that comment!
On 04/22/08 at 8:42 am
Rex said:
A creepy Korean vendor.
…if I read/sound like that when I flirt, I’m quit.
On 04/22/08 at 8:50 am
Karri said:
Trista is the one who’s taken the vow of celibacy with losers until she finds someone worthy of her golden hoo-ha!
I think you just crossed over into Creepy Land. Reel it in, m’kay.
On 04/22/08 at 8:55 am
Rex just had his creep vaccine said:
Me or him?
Remember… my creepiness is exclusively for you! It’s not shared. heh
On 04/22/08 at 9:00 am
Karri said:
No, not you…yet.
On 04/22/08 at 9:09 am
Rex said:
EXCELLENT.
So. *ahem* …when can I get that lock of hair in the mail? Oh WAIT. HA! I meant uhhhh, COOKIES! Yeah.
That’s it.
Cookies.
I want some homemade cookies.
And a pair of your shoes.
On 04/22/08 at 9:24 am
Karri said:
FREAK!!!
On 04/22/08 at 9:33 am
Rex is PASSIONATE about Karri said:
You won’t need an emergency kit with me, babe.
Because you’ll NEVER leave me.
…ever seen Misery?
On 04/22/08 at 12:15 pm
Karri said:
Do you not know that I don’t watch movies?
On 04/22/08 at 12:19 pm
Rex said:
Two words: MOVIE DATE. I’ll bring the DVDs, you supply the hotness.
On 04/22/08 at 12:31 pm
Karri said:
One sure fire way to put me to sleep…movie date. However, if you like your ladies comatose, I’d be your perfect date!
On 04/22/08 at 12:38 pm
Rex said:
Let’s see…
A comatose 30-something on the couch next to me OR out with a 20-something staring at me like a deer into headlights when I discuss events/make pop culture references that occurred before 1980.
I’ll go with the proximity (and unconsciousness).
On 04/22/08 at 1:57 pm
Karri said:
Good point. Unconsciousness always trumps stupidity.
On 04/22/08 at 2:19 pm
Rex said:
…i bet you snore.
Or at the very least, twitch a bit while dreaming.
On 04/22/08 at 6:17 pm
Karri said:
I grind my teeth and have P.T.S nightmares, but let’s not ruin all the fun with those sordid details.
On 04/22/08 at 8:06 pm
Rex said:
I wake up in weird positions. So weird and bad that at least one of my arms is almost always numb. Sometimes both! That’s fun.
On 04/22/08 at 7:30 am
The Hater of everyone, except Karri said:
One night stand emergancy kit. You could make a boat load if you copy right it.
On 04/22/08 at 7:31 am
The Hater of everyone said:
oops forgot to change my name.
On 04/22/08 at 7:41 am
Karri said:
The Eve-101 Emergency Kit…I like it! Who does patents around this joint?
On 04/22/08 at 7:50 am
Trista said:
http://www.uspto.gov/
Do it!!!!
I still have my heart set on starting the sperm bank though…
On 04/22/08 at 7:55 am
Karri said:
HAHA! Did you want me to sign up for the class that is described as “an interactive and age appropriate unit of instruction designed for upper-elementary, middle, and high school students.” Or just file the patent?
Sperm bank…yes, please. Can you get on that a.s.a.p!
On 04/22/08 at 8:29 am
Rex said:
I’m keeping my deposits to myself now!
…either between the mattresses or in a jar hidden in the kitchen.
On 04/22/08 at 10:14 am
Kevin said:
Dude…. >.< That was utterly puketastic.
On 04/22/08 at 10:28 am
Rex said:
…my work is done.
On 04/22/08 at 12:16 pm
Karri said:
OY!
On 04/22/08 at 7:51 am
Rex said:
I wish I could be a drunken mistake at least once (or twice)! Then again, I’d contradict what I wrote in the last blog…
On 04/22/08 at 7:56 am
Karri said:
Which part of your dissertation on sperm would you be contradicting?
*Rex’s extensive knowledge of sperm scares me!*
On 04/22/08 at 8:01 am
Rex said:
That’s it.
I’m keeping my knowledge about EVERYTHING - not just sperm - to myself from now on. I can’t help that it was Trista’s chosen topic and I wanted to educate motherfuckers.
…the contradiction would be ‘no compromises’ comment I made. Not having sex with a woman until I knew she was clean or not.
On 04/22/08 at 8:07 am
Karri said:
Awe, honey…I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings! Please…share, you know we like it.
And I admire your convictions…more people should uphold the same standards.
On 04/22/08 at 8:26 am
Rex said:
iiiiiiiiiiii don’t know about that.
People with MY standards? No one would get (spontaneously) laid (in drugged out/drunken/generally uninhibited manner.