Theeeeey’rrrrre baaaack!

I am an 80’s girl.  I grew up dancing around the living room to Cyndi Lauper and Duran Duran records in my legwarmers and acid washed jeans, clinging tight to my rainbow bright doll.  Happiness was a warm crimping iron.  I had jellies in 8 different colors. It is a decade that will always have a special place in my heart.

That said, there might be some things that we could have just left behind.  Questionable music and Aquanet indulgences aside, there were some things I consider to be embarrassing mistakes made in the decade that gave us Madonna and the best of John Hughes. And in my opinion many of these mistakes can be summed up in one word…

Fashion.

Now I do NOT claim to be any kind of fashion expert, I am far from it.  95% of the time I can be found wearing jeans and a tank top.  But really, anyone with two working eyeballs cannot deny the atrocities that were done to us during the decade that also, by the way, brought you this.

Those of you out there that lived through the 80’s know what I am talking about…you no doubt have some Bongo and Z Cavaricci skeletons in your closet, no? Well, in case you have blocked it all out, and shipped it all off to the Goodwill, let present to you a list of items that the fashion industry  and clothing manufacturers should be shot for bringing back.  And yes, back they have come…

The Beret:

The only people that should be rocking berets are military personnel.  I mean, seriously.  Yes, I know, Lohan does it.  The Olsen twins do it.  Nicole Richie does it.  Doesn’t that tell you anything?! Are you going to trust the judgment of these whacked out women?  I swear, I think the aforementioned ladies wear the most ridiculous things they can find to see if they can get the folks at home watching Entertainment Tonight to jump on board.  You are not a fashion hobo, stay off the beret train.

The Tights /Pumps Combo:

They actually spend part of just about every year trying to convince us this one is cool.  But this year it seems worse, and more obnoxious than usual. Why?  Because its 80’s influenced!  This means bright colors, bold patterns and lace.  Lace…really?  Life is not a boudoir photo shoot and you are nowhere near being like a virgin.  Skip this 15 minute fashion do.

Over the Top Animal Print:

Just because you still like to blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ when no one is home to make fun of you does not mean you should dress like something that could pass for its prey.  I mean, a little animal print accessorizing is one thing, but looking like you have draped yourself in a carcass is something else altogether…something altogether WRONG.

Bubble Skirts:

Ladies, these skirts were such a bad idea…why are we allowing them back into our closets?  Unless you are a stick figure they are completely unflattering.  Unflattering as in if you have hips you are going to look like a walking hot air balloon in one of these very bad boys. So unless you want people asking if you can fly them over wine country for a romantic evening getaway, stay away from this fashion rewind.

Extremely Large, Extremely Tacky Plastic Accessories:

Now these are totally awesome…if you are under 8 years old.  Other wise what the hell are you doing?  Please do not shop for accessories in your preschoolers’ birthday party loot bags.  Seriously, people.  If it could double as pinata filler, put it down.  Now.

In case of any of you are reading this thinking, “hmm, I might have some gems in my closet I should go mining for!” let me present to you my finally plea for (your) sanity.  If you are thinking it still seems like a good idea, a way to save money and look chic, well, just stare at the next picture for a moment. Here is a woman who also thought it was a “good” idea…

WRONG!

Don’t do this.  Don’t let your sister, mother, girlfriend, or wife do this.  Because after they see a picture of themselves dressed like this they are going to be filled with shame, which will turn to rage which will turn into a riot of women the likes of which the world has not seen since the bra burning days.

Only I think we will most likely be burning these instead:

What do you think, peeps?  What 80’s fashion items would you NOT like to see at your local clothing retailer?  Are there any items in your closet that you have clung to for years, hoping they will go back into style?  Confess…you’ll feel better.