Trick-or-tart?
October 31, 2008 · Print This Article
Tell me dear friends, when exactly Halloween stopped being about the treats…
And started being all about looking like a trick?
Back in my day we didn’t have a whole lot of options, but that was okay. Mom could glue some black triangles of felt to a headband, paint some whiskers on my face, pin a tail on my butt and bam! A happy little kitty skipped off to roam the neighborhood in search of candy.
But the simplistic homemade costumes of yesteryear don’t fly anymore; my boys want to be something scary, high-tech and sophisticated, and alas, I am not able to create masterpieces for them. I lack the time and more importantly, the Susie homemaker gene. Yes, my complete lack of artistic craftiness sent us out to search the world– and more specifically a building that is vacant 10 months out of the year– for some spooky-ookie costume goodness.
That’s right, we turned to the professionals: the seasonal Halloween store. I was expecting ghouls, monsters, aliens, vampires - in other words, I was expecting some options for a couple of hyper-active little boys. I mean, isn’t that a rather large consumer demographic for this particular festivity? Apparently not. I came to a revelation as I stood there, mouth agape, in the doorway of the inappropriately named “Halloween Town.”
Halloween Town has become Slut City.
When exactly did Girls Gone Wild become the official sponsor for Halloween? Because it’s just asinine, and really ladies…it’s beneath us to accept it.
What I found within the store was 35 assorted hooker suits for every 1 traditional child costume. Elaborate and extensive collections of glorified underwear for women, who otherwise wouldn’t be caught dead out and about without their pants on, any other day of the week. Ohhhhh… but this one night a year, it’s whores galore, kids, whores galore! The women’s’ attire (stripperwear) looked lush and expensive, the ONE row of kids costumes were cheap and infantile.
Two choices folks, dress like a baby or a girl that’s going to make one if she’s not careful
Next year I might just have to bribe one of my craftier friends to help me. We’ll macrame some costumes…do people still macrame? No probably not, but we’ll make the damn things somehow. Because the retail stores aren’t doing me any favors.
If only my little boys wanted to be pirate wenches for Halloween, things would be so much easier… I already have eye liner and tube tops and I could easily fashion the top of one of my bathing suits into matching eye patches….the costume would practically take care of itself. Of course grandpa may not be so thrilled about taking the salty lil’ sea dogs trick or treating this year…but I digress.
C’mon, costumes are supposed to be for the kids, not the kinks. When did we trade in bags of candy for eye candy? If you want to dress up like a naughty nurse…do what grown-ups do…and do it on a Tuesday! Do it when the sex has gotten a little blah. Do it because you already get paid to be a nurse and there’s a really hot prospect in the critical care ward that you’re trying to cozy up to. Halloween is suppose to be tootsie rolls and candy corn…not titties hos and hand jobs. Good grief.
But apparently Halloween has become for the sexually repressed what St Patrick’s Day is for lightweight drinkers…amateur night. And the Halloween Town’s of the world are reaping the benefits. Girls are willing to drop 70 bucks a pop for a glittery piece of dental floss, some sequins and a butt ruffle, why wouldn’t the retailers take advantage?
But me, I just don’t understand this one night a year excuse to dress like a street-walking witch in search of a halfhearted broom ride. I’m comfortable dressing like a libidinous librarian any night of the week. I don’t need a stinkin’ CHILDREN’S holiday to tell me when I can and cannot let my inner-slut shine through. Don’t wait for the calendar to tell you when you can be sexually adventurous. Own your inner freak. Own it!
And let the kids have their flipping holiday back.
Thank you.
and Adieu
Happy Halloween, ladies and gents! What do you think about my rant up there? Did I go too far, or are you as annoyed by the take over as I am? What was Halloween like when you were a kid? Do you think kids have it better or worse than we did? And what are you doing tonight?!
PS: there is a riCOCKulous response to this at pointlessbanter.net Go read, you know, if you have nothing better to do.
On 10/30/08 at 9:16 pm
Trista said:
Happy Halloween, kids!
What are y’all doing tonight? And what oh what will you be wearing?
On 10/31/08 at 8:15 am
Vile Kyle appoves this NONSENSE said:
Happy Hallow-Hookereen ya’ll!
On 10/31/08 at 10:28 am
Prophet said:
Happy Shallow-Hookereen y’all. If you’re gonna throw out a renamed holiday… you might as well go all the way.
Rhyming and scheming… biiitch.
On 10/30/08 at 9:38 pm
Karri said:
And this just goes to prove why I freakin’ hate Halloween! I can be a whore any day of the week, I don’t need a holiday for christsake!
On 10/31/08 at 4:14 pm
Meghan said:
Seriously. What a waste of expensive eye-liner.
On 10/31/08 at 3:38 am
lisaq said:
Ugh! That’s all I can say. I’ll be sporting my “I don’t do costumes” t-shirt hiding from the teenagers after my candy in my bedroom. Bah humbug!
On 10/31/08 at 5:59 am
Trista said:
I still have fun, because I have little dudes. But I also tend to turn off the lights and hide from the teenagers once the little ones have gone in for the night.
If you are bigger than me, no candy for you!
On 10/31/08 at 3:53 am
~Lori~ said:
I don’t do the dress up thing much, guess getting too old, never mind it becoming expensive. I have to agree on the costume thing though. I was trying to find a costume for my 12 year old, she wanted to be a genie, I can’t sew, plus on a fairly limited budget. Issue being she wears adult size clothing on top of it. I took her to one of those stores, and I was very aware of the “adult” nature of the costumes, people milling about with kids all ages around these. Made me very uncomfortable. Needless to say, never did get anything from there, thank goodness that my best friend was able to help me out creating a costume from things both her and I had. My daughter is happy, and thankfully, she comprehends the silliness of spending so much $$ on something you wear only one nite. Halloween has become way too commercialized and expensive ;( they took all the fun out of it. (and yes, if I want to be slutty, I can do that any day of the week, I don’t need a specific day to justify it ;p )
On 10/31/08 at 4:19 am
~Lori~ said:
Oh yeah, just taking my daughter to friends house so the kids can trick or treat, and watch all the little ones look cute. May go to a grown-up bonfire get together afterward’s
On 10/31/08 at 6:03 am
Trista said:
I agree…the cost has gotten way out of hand. And I hate that the kids out here in our area feel like they have to wear something “cool,” or else get made fun of. That leaves us in a bad spot because I haven’t been able to make a costume that can pass for cool since they were old enough to form the word. “Moooooom!”
Yeah, I should stick to writing.
On 10/31/08 at 4:47 am
Lawn Gnome said:
You know how sometimes music just needs more cow bell…well this blog needs more butt ruffle.
More butt ruffle, please!
On 10/31/08 at 5:12 am
Lawn Gnome said:
Oh… and since you asked what I’ll be doing…I’ll tell you. Needless to say it involves candy, alchohol, and a mask… all the things a prepared indivual would need to begin a quest for butt ruffle.
(Hopefully I can find candy tonight… she’s been very busy at the strip club this month.
On 10/31/08 at 6:12 am
Trista said:
Well, ummm, good luck?
On 10/31/08 at 8:28 am
Lawn Gnome said:
Well,that doesn’t sound very heartfelt.
On 10/31/08 at 12:19 pm
Trista said:
It was. Why must you always judge me, little, green-thumbed man?
On 10/31/08 at 4:52 am
Squish said:
I’m dressed up, but not at all whoreish this year. I’ve got a good 80 lbs of clothes on. three skirts, two skirts, a wig and a crown. Viola - Princess Peach.
I’ve never worn a purchased costume in the same shape it was purchased in. I glued ivy leaves to a tinkerbell outfit to be poison ivy, took sequins and a poodle off my top skirt today… etc.
I think the sluttiness is only called for if what you are dressing up as IS slutty. Poison Ivy -for all intents and purposes- was kinda a whore, so I felt justified in my tiny green ‘dress’ and some thigh high boots. Police women? Not so whoreish. And they certainly don’t wear tiny skirts. AUTHENTICITY MATTERS DAMMIT!! Otherwise it’s just tacky.
I will say that it’s much, much easier to find kid costumes at goodwill or a thrift store than a “Seasonal” store like Halloween town. I was highly annoyed at the availability of pink pincess dresses for little girls but nothing with poofy princess sleeves in adult size. Princesses aren’t typically whores, yet every “princess costume” available had indecently low necklines and spaghetti straps. bah.
On 10/31/08 at 6:11 am
Trista said:
Yeah, next year I need to start earlier and hit the thrift stores. Having an affordable costume is about planning ahead I think.
And you have a pointy about slutty characters needing to remain authentic. A slutty prisoner, really??!
On 10/31/08 at 4:16 pm
Meghan said:
I go out the day after Halloween and grab the costume stuff that gets left behind for a shelter that always needs costumes for the kids.
But there’s often times great stuff in there the stores just want to move the hell on out. Especially those Halloween temp stores.
On 10/31/08 at 5:55 am
Fiona said:
I think we did Halloween once when I was a kid, it’s a recent thing here really. That year it was more about the costumes, mom and a friend got together and made our stuff. I was She-Ra, but you couldn’t tell.
Halloween was a major party night here before it was brought to the kids, but there has NEVER been any costume selection, so even the tramps have to do a little DIY (Do It Yourself)
I’ve “almost” finished making Mouse a witch for trick-or-treating tonight. Almost. Not bad for a two night effort!
On 10/31/08 at 6:07 am
Trista said:
Yeah, I was looking at pictures of myself as a kid…we always did DIY. But the school out here don’t even encourage that anymore…my kid had to wear something he could “slip on and off quickly” and he wasn’t allowed to have any face paint or hair dye or mask at school. That narrowed our options since the face painting is probably what I do best. And my other child isn’t even allowed to dress up for school today, because they don’t celebrate holidays. Ah the political correctness of southern California!
On 10/31/08 at 6:13 am
Fiona said:
They don’t dress up for school here, too churchy this country.
No face paint?! That takes ALL the fun out of it. Mouse would kill me if I didn’t paint her face and let her wear a wig on Halloween!
On 10/31/08 at 6:28 am
Trista said:
Seriously! I am doing the face painting for the trick or treating though.
On 10/31/08 at 6:03 am
Cassie said:
I’m gonna go what I go as every year…a nudist on srike!
I will be doing the Haunted House in Houston, with friends, but that is about as Halloween-y as I get!
I don’t think that Halloween is just for kids though….maybe the dressing up part, but it can be just as fun for adults!!! hehehehehehe *evil grin*
On 10/31/08 at 6:04 am
Trista said:
Actually, I agree. I love the haunted houses, I love watching scary movies. But I just like scary stuff, I would go to a haunted house any time of the year if they were open.
On 10/31/08 at 6:07 am
MikeC said:
Yeah. Some girls like to make an excuse for dressing sexy.
” Im going to be a sexy mummy this year.”
” A vixen smurf.”
Etc… As a guy I enjoy it but it does lose focus. Im a guy though. Sexier the better.
On 10/31/08 at 6:08 am
Trista said:
Of course… but has gotten out of hand. We add slutty to everything. I mean there is a slutty Freddy Kruger costume out there!
On 10/31/08 at 8:48 am
Prophet said:
Slutty Freddy Kueger is awesome! How dare you try to negatively exploit this uniquely kinky costume…it’s not just for halloween, you prude… it’s a lifestyle accoutriment.
Why you gosta be bringing up personal shit? I don’t talk about your kinky ass wantin’ to dress up like little bopeep… and having a little get to know you time with the black sheep, do I? NO…I don’t.
On 10/31/08 at 12:20 pm
Trista said:
I am just failing to see how Freddy translates in to sexy time, mine love…perhaps if you explained?
On 10/31/08 at 6:12 am
Bobby Finstock said:
I totally disagree with you…. This is a day we should celebrate for the inner slut to come out and get totally taken advantage of.
On 10/31/08 at 6:27 am
Trista said:
Just because this is one of the only days of the year that you can get laid does not mean its good.
Enjoy the other nights for the repressed like St. Patty’s and Cinco de Mayo and let the kids have Oct. 31st back.
Selfish jerk.
On 10/31/08 at 6:35 am
Bobby Finstock said:
Nobody outside of the west coast and florida celebrates Cindo De Mayo… well actually corona has been pushing it more but it doesn’t count.
Screw the kids. Everyday is kids days…
On 10/31/08 at 6:38 am
Trista said:
No, every day is most certainly not kids day, and youth is fleeting.
However, you can be a hard up for sex pervert that takes advantage of drunk and disadvantaged women until the day you die.
May your condoms always be industrial strength…
On 10/31/08 at 6:13 am
Charles Albert Green said:
Being the man I am, I’m totally shocked by some of my friends choice of Halloween costumes. I understand women need attention but damn!!! If you are an angel why the hell are you in a lace nighty with garters? And I keep hearing that the French Quarter is Mardi Gras like. Too bad I have to work.
On 10/31/08 at 6:30 am
Trista said:
For irony?
Nah, its for attention.
On 10/31/08 at 6:28 am
Matt. E. Warren said:
Is that Matt Damon dressed up as a gay Cowboy in that picture? Where is TMZ when you need them.
As for Halloween sluttiness? Well, I, like by friend Bobby Finstock, is all for it. That is until my daughters are old enough to go out and slut it up. Then I’ll hate it.
On 10/31/08 at 6:33 am
Trista said:
hahahaha…it DOES look like Matt Damon.
But if you side with “Bobby Finstock” your argument is invalid.
You have daughters? Ah…karmam shall come for you, my friend. Just think, in a few years we will probably have traded in the dental floss and butt ruffle for body paint. You know, to go green and conserve fabric. Have fun, dad!
On 10/31/08 at 6:29 am
Eathan said:
Happy Halloween! I love the costumes… it’s a great holiday for fun. Great for the Kids..great for the Adults..and did i mention fantasy time for the adults when the kids are passed out? lol
On 10/31/08 at 6:31 am
Trista said:
I am all for fantasy time…but I keep it in the house and I don’t need a calendar telling me its time. My costumes get year round usage, and they are for an audience of one.
On 10/31/08 at 7:24 am
Phoenix said:
Anyone who knows me knows that I like to dress up all year long! One of my sister’s friends looked at my myspace page and asked her if I always go out in costume. :p
And I LOVE Halloween. But not for sluttiness. For the creativity and fun fun fun. Oh, and the candy corn.
This year I had two chances to do it up. One was last weekend with my spawn. She is 14 and wanted to be a dead bride. So we went to the thrift store and got her a real dress and dirtied it up. I was the mourning mother of the bride. Voila. (photos on my site if your interested)
And part 2 is going to be even better. Yours truly is dressing up as *drum roll* KWAME KILPATRICK. In case your not from around here our Hip Hop major just went to jail on Tuesday. I’ll be rawkin an orange jumpsuit (from the thrift store) and a black wig, handcuffs and a “free kwame” sign. :p Oh, and of course my cell phone to text all night.
On 10/31/08 at 7:51 am
Trista said:
If I had the talent that you had I’d make my daughters costumes as well…of course I’d need to borrow your daughter.
On 10/31/08 at 8:02 am
Phoenix said:
I have been known to loan her out from time to time….
On 10/31/08 at 8:15 am
GROPEY The schizophrenic clown said:
Yep,times are rough. A person’s gotta do whatever they can to make an extra buck in this economy.
Ayoh…
(holy shit I just channeled the dice man… I didn’t even know he was dead!)
On 10/31/08 at 8:22 am
Trista said:
Too far. BAD Gropey. Go home now. GO!
On 10/31/08 at 8:34 am
Phoenix said:
Hahaha! Funny thing, the other day the spawn was telling me she was worried about the possibility of us losing our house because of all the media coverage on foreclosures (she’s a very anxious kid…I wonder if the culture of fear has anything to do with that?).
Here is our conversation:
me: Don’t worry. I bought a house I can afford.
her: But what if you lose your job?
me: I’ll just work at McDonalds and STILL be able to pay the mortgage.
her: But what if there are no jobs, even at McDonalds?
me: Then I’ll just sell my body as a prostitute.
her: Moooooooommmmmm!
me: What? We ARE NOT losing our house!
:p
On 10/31/08 at 9:00 am
Trista said:
Jajajaa…That’s too funny. The only thing my two are worried about is when the play-dough embargo will come to an end in our house. When they whine,I just tell them it’s not up to me and try to explain why. Of course now they frequently ask when the bears will leave the markers. (Bear Market)
Cracks me up… and makes me sad all at the same time.
On 10/31/08 at 7:29 am
PJ said:
No. Everyone gets to wear whatever costume they want to. If that means a pumpkin, so be it. If it means slutty librarian teaching PJ the Dewey Decimal System, giddyap!
And on another note: What’s up with these damn kids today? Half of them don’t even wear costumes. They just come up with a t-shirt and jeans holding a Jewel bag open without saying anything. Then, of course, I’m the asshole because I say stuff like, “What are you supposed to be?” and “What do you say?”
On 10/31/08 at 7:42 am
Trista said:
Well perhaps they wouldn’t wear t-shirts…if they could find a a flipping costume.
Kids today do need a lesson in Halloween etiquette, though… spoiled asses.
On 10/31/08 at 7:51 am
PJ said:
Ooh, I played right into your trap didn’t I?
On 10/31/08 at 7:58 am
Trista said:
Indeed. mwahahaha
On 10/31/08 at 8:06 am
PJ said:
As for us this year, J and I dressed as Vampires and found out the hard way that it’s not easy to do a jello shot with fangs.
On 10/31/08 at 8:19 am
Trista said:
Did you dress up as fortune telling vampires… how were you able to see the night’s events before they happened?
(spooooky..)
On 10/31/08 at 8:38 am
PJ said:
We had the big party to go to last week. It’s funny how people never expect to see two vampires buying beer in the grocery store.
On 10/31/08 at 9:21 am
Prophet said:
It’s the only thing people in a grocery store expect less than vamires being struck to the ground, staked, and exploding into fiery clouds of vampire particulates in the checkout line…you know… after the beer has been purchased..
Of course maybe all the patrons of the store were just gawking because the clerk carded you… I mean…who cards the undead…seriously.
On 10/31/08 at 9:52 am
PJ said:
Where the hell were you yesterday?
On 10/31/08 at 10:20 am
Prophet said:
I was busy…fighting crime. That’s the only thing that could keep me away from T’s blogs for any length of time. IT’s just that there was alot of crime to be fought…like, bunches.
(Dude,what’s wrong with you… you just trying to get me in trouble? Trouble making-assed vampire, I was vegged out in front of ESPN, okay… man,I hope your incisors dull! Yeah…I said it. Ooo, she’s coming back…)
So…what did I miss yesterday…because of my solemn promise to uphold justice?
On 10/31/08 at 10:32 am
Prophet said:
And where the hell did my picture go…?
On 10/31/08 at 10:32 am
Prophet said:
There it is…it’s a thing o’beauty aint it?
On 10/31/08 at 11:20 am
PJ said:
I was sure that you would regale us with some good commentary on the Springeresque situation that was yesterday’s Ask Eve.
On 10/31/08 at 11:54 am
Prophet said:
In reference to yesterday’s blog…
Thaat shit was out there, man… I’ll agree. But I really didn’t think I could comment without being biased… I mean that Ask Eve question could’ve come from any number of my relatives… and you know I’m not gonna just sell my family out, right? Right.
They really don’t like people discussing family matters(…or growing pains) with other people. They’d be none to happy if they knew I was speaking of their antics now.
I should stop.
I don’t want to piss that side of the family off. They really re an angry over-sexed bunch… WITH concealed carry licenses, I might add. I don’t need to die because they got miffed about something I said. That’d just give’em another reason to …(ahem)bring the family closer together… you know what I’m saying?? …You know, stunt the branching of the family tree (wink, wink)? OR… you know… bang each other. (nudge, nudge.) Capishe’?
I’m kidding.
Am I?
Yes…
DOn’t do your relatives folks… GOODNIGHT!
Dat make up for it P.J.?
On 10/31/08 at 7:37 am
Jody said:
I love Halloween, but am beginning to despise the same type of junk about it. Next year I am announcing on Sept 1 that I am making all costumes and final requests with runner up options must be submitted no later than Sept 30 is said child wants to dress up. This year, youngest two boys are matching ‘Classic Batman’ Daughter is Hermione Granger, buttoned up and full length robe, NO ’slutty’ tyvm. Oldest is a Dementor. With 4 kids I only bought costumes this year cuz we all procrastinated SO bad. I’ve made ‘em before and can make ‘em again
On 10/31/08 at 7:54 am
Trista said:
If I was going to make a costume all request would have to be submitted by July of the previous year.
On 10/31/08 at 8:36 am
~Lori~ said:
just appropriate for this blog
Dress Like A Whore on Halloween! | Funny Jokes at JibJab
On 10/31/08 at 8:36 am
~Lori~ said:
Just appropriate for this blog
http://www.jibjab.com/view/208253
On 10/31/08 at 9:03 am
Trista said:
Completely.
On 10/31/08 at 8:59 am
Jaime said:
My thoughts exactly. My friends are always asking me why I don’t dress up for Halloween. My answer? I’m not a child.
When I think of adults playing at Halloween, I’m immediately reminded of that scene from Mean Girls where Cady goes to her first high school Halloween party dressed all scary-like, and then ALL the other girls at the party are dressed all skankily and she says “Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it”.
On 10/31/08 at 9:09 am
Trista said:
“Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it”
Exactly… maybe there should just add Slut Day to the list of holidays, then, perhaps I could get behind the debauchery…nah probably not. I like to debauch on my own time and being told when to do as such would just take take the fun right out of it.