Twice As Nice
July 1, 2008 · Print This Article
Solo and disenchanted, another notable attempt at coupledom failed to succeed…life got in the way and the fairytale ended before the final chapter. Or did it? Try and try as you might to leave the past in past the Universe seems determined to continually plot out a course of reconnection. So what do you do? Do you fight the inevitable or do you relinquish your free-will and accept your fate?
Stumbling upon a like-minded, compatible, Ying to our Yang is more of a rarity than a normal occurrence. It’s an unexplainable anomaly like UFO’s and The Great Pyramids; an indescribable connection that brings peace and balance rather than destruction and upheaval. It defies explanation, it just is.
We all have a Gold-Standard relationship…the best of the best that every succeeding encounter is compared to. Some who traverse the trail blazed before them skate under the limbo bar with ease, others tickle its belly, but none of them ever manage to break the glass ceiling. And although it is not only futile, but foolish to attempt to recreate yesteryear, I can’t discount the notion that a future can be built on its foundation.
Any time we venture into new relationship territory we risk potential heartache and disappointment. Yet time after time we forge ahead with our with our baggage claim ticket in tow hoping that the next time will be different. The next time someone will love us like we’ve been loved before. They will cherish us and accept all of our idiosyncrasies and neurotic behaviors without reservations…just like so-and-so did once upon time.
And then in the midst of wandering aimlessly, unearthing one failed quasi-replacement after another, the unexpected happens. This time is a reenactment of the best time…only better. Older and wiser, you’ve lived and learned; you’ve reassessed your priorities and gained enough insight to realize that you simply can’t restore what was, but you can embrace what has always been.
If given the chance, would you, could you re-love your lovely?
On 07/1/08 at 4:13 am
Sarahh said:
I have missed these blogs!!
I feel like I have been away for forever! Friggin work.
I am extremely lucky. I have found someone who actually loves me for me. For all of the quirks, moods, situation, whatever one could think of, he loves me for it all.
I am still blown away.
I had held a standard that come to find out wasn’t what I wanted at all. Once I let go of the “rules”, I found someone and found out what real happiness is…
Simple love story. Girl meets goat… And you know the rest.
On 07/1/08 at 5:41 am
Karri said:
And we have missed you …a lot!
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Isn’t it an odd yet comforting feeling when someone not only gets you but accepts you? When they’re one step ahead of you and perhaps even know you better than you know yourself.
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YAY for goats!
On 07/1/08 at 6:40 am
Carol said:
“an indescribable connection that brings peace and balance rather than destruction and upheaval. It defies explanation, it just is.”
Add to that “odd yet comforting” and you get a big, fat, “DAMN YOU, KARRI!!!” for making me all mushy this morning. I do believe you are swimming terribly soulful babble waters today. I love it…I think we should all dive in.
On 07/1/08 at 7:11 am
Karri said:
Me, babbling? Never!
On 07/1/08 at 7:25 am
Carol said:
Will you be swimming in Colorado?
On 07/1/08 at 7:45 am
Karri said:
Do they make floaties for adults?
On 07/1/08 at 10:21 am
Meghan said:
Yes, they are called large boats where you are served a cocktail whilst basking in the sun…that’s as close as I get to diving it.
On 07/1/08 at 5:50 am
Cassie said:
Umm, first I’d have to find someone to love in order to try to re-love him!!!
But I highly doubt I would….usually, once I’m done, I’m done!!! lol
On 07/1/08 at 6:03 am
Karri said:
Do I need to start playing Match Maker?
On 07/1/08 at 6:50 am
Cassie said:
PLEASE DON’T.
I hate having to hurt peoples’(guys’) feelings!! LOL
On 07/1/08 at 7:07 am
Karri said:
It’s probably better that I don’t…I’m really all not that good at it to be honest. HA!
On 07/1/08 at 6:42 am
Carol said:
I should answer the question. Would I re-love my lovely? My answer is that I never quit loving, per se. But, to actually take the plunge and physically embrace possibility…I could say yes to one in my past.
On 07/1/08 at 7:08 am
Karri said:
I had a feeling you would, but that’s just the kind of girl you are. The one who never stops loving.
On 07/1/08 at 7:25 am
Carol said:
Don’t make me more mushy,puhlease! I am grateful to have learned that it is rarely, if ever, reciprocated. That is precisely what taught me that I can keep the loving feelings in my heart…and not express them in other ways. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!
On 07/1/08 at 7:35 am
Karri said:
If speaking the truth makes you mushy, well then so be it. You are who you are, and we are where we are. And I am grateful for every little bit of it!
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OH, CRIPES! Are we going to need Kleenex around here today? That really wasn’t my intention…I promise!
On 07/1/08 at 7:55 am
Carol said:
No Kleenex today. In fact, it kind of makes me smile to acknowledge that I am “who I am” and we are “who we are”. Plus, I have kiddos running around singing, dancing and calling each other monkeybutt. We are off to run errands and such. I’ll come back later to see if you bring anyone else to tears. Besides, you know truth does more than make me mushy…it turns me on and makes me gushy, too. Damn,that Dr. Seuss!!!
On 07/1/08 at 8:04 am
Karri said:
Kleenex - gushing. You had to go and throw it in the gutter, didn’t you? Or was that me? hmmmmm…
On 07/1/08 at 9:25 am
Cassie said:
We has a saying..”It’s never lonely in the gutter.”
I went there LONG time ago…glad to see y’all caught up!! LOL
On 07/1/08 at 10:08 am
Karri said:
Great. So now I need floaties and waders. uhhhhhh….
On 07/1/08 at 12:59 pm
Carol said:
and luv linens? bwah ha ha
On 07/1/08 at 1:04 pm
Karri said:
Funny, but no.
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I need to keep my wits about me, and if I hope to do that, there can’t be any bow-chica-bow-wow.
On 07/1/08 at 1:15 pm
Kevin M. said:
WTF??? No “bow-chica-bow-bow”????? SHUT YO MOUF!!!
On 07/1/08 at 1:41 pm
Karri said:
Nope. Notta!
On 07/1/08 at 7:32 am
Jime said:
Re-love an ex? Guess that depends on what you mean by “love”. If that means extending love from the distance of friendship then sure, I can love an ex. Many of my ex’s remain as friends (friends who give good counsel because they know me so well). If you are talking about rekindling an intimate relationship with an ex…NO WAY. Lol. If we broke up before it was for a reason. When a relationship fails the first time then it is done. For me there is no looking back (or going back).
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PS Before they were married, my parents (who have been wed for 38 years) broke up after the first year they were together. They were apart for 1 year and then rekindled. So, it is possible for people to accept a former love and make it work–it’s just not for me.
On 07/1/08 at 7:40 am
Karri said:
An ex is an ex for a reason, I get it. But what if the issues that caused the break-up were rather shall we say, insignificant and have since been resolved. Then what?
On 07/1/08 at 7:47 am
Jime said:
This is something I have not experienced. If the issues that caused the break up were insignificant…then why did ya break up? Obviously they were significant enough at the time to warrant a break up. Gimme an example of your “insignificant issues”.
On 07/1/08 at 7:59 am
Karri said:
“significant enough at the time” is the key here. As time passes and we learn from our experiences, we evolve, we grow and often realize that what appeared to be a non-negotiable was nothing more than perhaps a bit of selfishness with a dash of insecurity.
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And sometimes those unpleasantries are brought on by circumstances rather than someone’s innate character. The more experiences we have the more we gain the ability to actually deal with life rather than run from it.
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Does that make sense?
On 07/1/08 at 8:26 am
Jime said:
It sounds awful pretty, but I’m not sure I’ll buy stock in it. I reckon how people handle circumstances is what defines their innate character.
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I think of this process more as: the innate character of a person (I call it integrity) is formed by their actions and experiences over a lifetime. These actions and experiences create routines and habits that people enjoy because they give life form and purpose. There is nothing good or bad attributed to these habits: they simply are.
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I simply do not trust that people possess the capacity to make major changes in their habits and routines. Once a liar, the potential for lies is open. Once a cheater, you’ll always be looking out for the next cheat. Once an addict, the addictive personality will always crave something to fill that void.
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Therefore: if you go headfirst into a relationship with an ex the advantage is this: you know what you are in for. At least, if you’re smart you should…because you’ve been there, done that. And you’ll be doing it again, lol.
On 07/1/08 at 8:35 am
Karri said:
I hear what you’re saying. But let’s remove the cheating, lying and addictions and replace it with good ‘ol bad timing.
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Are you still a naysayer?
On 07/1/08 at 9:27 am
Jime said:
I was using extreme examples, but even with smaller stuff like: doubting, commitment phobias, inconsideration, or stubbornness…if it caused a breakup before it’ll do it again. I’m not precisely sure what you mean by bad timing…could you please elaborate? I mean, if the timing was good enough for you to hook up and be an item the first time then why didn’t the relationship work? My instinct tells me there is a deeper reason beyond “bad timing”.
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“Bad timing” can prevent people from getting together in the first place. And I can see trying to start something with somebody in a case like this. But that’s not really the same as re-loving an ex-love.
On 07/1/08 at 9:47 am
Kevin M. said:
If I may chime in, here… what if Karri is talking about people moving away for some reason or another and just couldn’t, or didn’t try to make things work. But given the chance to cross paths again, you both would love to give it another chance?
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Or what if you were both young and chasing after the type of guy or girl you THOUGHT you wanted… or thought you needed… or just that proverbial itch you had to scratch. But in time, you realize that was only a phase, or you were immature, or just hadn’t found YOURSELF, yet… much less your true love that may have been right there in front of you the whole time.
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I mean… I could TOTALLY see that type of scenario being given another chance and it possibly becoming something you have long thought could, and SHOULD be.
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Or maybe it’s just in my dreams…
On 07/1/08 at 9:56 am
Meghan said:
*sniffle*
It sounds so good doesn’t it? I guess we - or maybe just me - has to remember to appreciate someone as their whole self if I want those kind of doors to open.
On 07/1/08 at 9:59 am
Karri said:
HOLY CRAP! Did Captain America just come to my rescue again? No offense, sweets, but I really didn’t think you and I would see eye-to-eye on this one, but I am so glad we do!
On 07/1/08 at 10:05 am
Jime said:
I understand both of your points, they are well thought out and in an ideal world would make great sense. In this world (far from ideal) I do not think that events unfold like that. Here is a more accurate picture of what happens:
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In youth two people meet and for whatever reason grow distant. Years pass. As fate would have it, the Kindly Ones deign a second meeting for this couple: this time as older and wiser adults. They try to rekindle a new love through the echoed memories of a shared past. Then…habits start to creep back in. The shadowy specter of Habits and Long-Forgotten Grievances from the old relationship start to bubble from the depths. Old memories of annoying actions (actions that ironically have shaped who these individuals inevitably became) resurface. Under the lens of the new relationship, the differences from before will become magnified–and will be spotted faster than before and tolerated less.
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In an ideal world, your romantic vista sounds magnificent. In the real world, well…good luck with that.
On 07/1/08 at 10:07 am
Kevin M. said:
Hmmm… maybe we should talk more… ’cause I started reading this topic and it almost felt tailor-made. Then again, I suppose that is dumb luck because I haven’t shared THAT story with but a few special people in my life. Much less a public blog. Lol.
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Anyway… there are “ones that got away”… and then there are “loves forced apart my unexplained forces of nature”.
On 07/1/08 at 10:10 am
Kevin M. said:
Jime… but I’m not talking about people breaking up because of annoyances, bad habits or differences. I’m talking about untimely circumstances that changed how the relationship progressed… or more specifically, how it was allowed, or rather NOT allowed to continue.
On 07/1/08 at 10:11 am
Karri said:
Forces of nature like a tornado? Or forces of nature like …fill in the blank.
On 07/1/08 at 10:14 am
Kevin M. said:
Yeah, sorry. More like forces of cosmic nature. Shit, for all I know it was my guardian angel nudging me in a safer or more appropriate direction. Which, of course, means it could also be that bitch Karma toying with lives again.
On 07/1/08 at 10:15 am
Jime said:
I don’t get that. What do you mean by “untimely circumstances”? I mean, are we talking about Hurricane Katrina here? Or, like, World War II driving a man away from his lover? Ok–those things I understand. But if we are talking about, say, the real estate market crashing and a woman losing her home and getting in a load of debt, and the man leaving her because of it. That’s NOT an untimely circumstance. That’s a choice.
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Could you please give me a specific example of “bad timing” or of an “untimely circumstance”.
On 07/1/08 at 10:24 am
Kevin M. said:
Ok… say you went off to college… and she didn’t. And the distance and time apart made one, or both of you start looking elsewhere. Then before you know it, you’re in different circles, different routines… different lives. And even after running into them again, life, for both of you, was just VERY MUCH in the way… and the opportunity just wasn’t there to even attempt another shot.
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But deep down… REALLLLLY deep down… you know damn well that if the stars somehow shifted alignment juuuust enough, you’d have your very own supernova.
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… I mean… for example.
On 07/1/08 at 10:24 am
Jime said:
I missed a post you did up above Kevin, about the “ones who got away”. My response to that is that it’s easy to fantasize about the fish who got away. Mmmm that was the most tasty fish ever. So yum-yum juicy and plump and it would have cooked splendidly with my buttery sauces and a crisp chardonnay. Mmm, yummy. The problem is that this is a fantasy. The fish who got away isn’t a real fish that you have to deal with and so you will not experience the reality of truly living and being with it. All you have to go on is a jaded memory of the parts you miss the most.
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And the fact that (for good reason) you parted ways and went down separate paths.
On 07/1/08 at 10:29 am
Karri said:
Or, hypothetically speaking…one of you was so focused and determined to create a successful career that they simply couldn’t devote the time and energy to sustain a relationship with someone who was perhaps a tad bit needy at the time.
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For example of course.
On 07/1/08 at 10:31 am
Kevin M. said:
Well… while she was definitely the stuff that fantasies are made of… I can assure you, she is NO fantasy. I’ve yet to experience anything more real.
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And well… would you kindly not wield that “for good reason” around like that? That thing is damn sharp… and cuts deeper than a motherfucker. >.<
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Is there a doctor in the house??
On 07/1/08 at 10:35 am
Kevin M. said:
On the surface… maybe, K. But not quite. I chalk it up to being young… and two people just going with the flow of life’s raging rapids. All while not really paying attention to the distance and amount of white water being put in between you. Next thing you know… a couple of “waterfalls” later and you’re forever lost.
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It happens. I get it. But given today’s topic, had things been different, things would’ve been… well… different.
On 07/1/08 at 10:35 am
Jime said:
Ok, that’s a really good example, Kevin. Seriously. It is my opinion that you should develop some characters around it, build up a story, and sell it as a screenplay to the Lifetime Network, or the Oxygen Channel.
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I get it, you’re a romantic. I respect that. I used to be a romantic, too. A part of me misses that. However I am currently a die-hard cynic–a cold, hard lover of the sardonic, and I just don’t think that something like that would work for me. The reason is this: if I break up with a woman it is for deep reasons (reasons that deal with integrity). In my experience people just don’t seem to change the deeper aspects of their character.
On 07/1/08 at 10:39 am
Karri said:
Jime, I gotta tell ya, I totally respect your convictions and I’ve been in the land of no return. However, when you spend years searching for someone who “gets you” like the one who got you only to have the opportunity to explore the possibilities again…wouldn’t it be foolish to not even try?
On 07/1/08 at 10:40 am
Jime said:
Karri–if somebody chose a career path over a relationship with me then it clearly tells me what they value. They value $$$ over my love. IMO, that’s a character flaw and it makes me wonder what they will value over my love the second time around.
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Kevin–”for good reason” Oh tee-hee. Maybe I’m just too analytical. The actions I take usually have reasons behind them. The reasons help ground me in reality and bring meaning to my choices. I am willing to concede that not everybody is like me in this respect (and that it may be a flaw in my own design).
On 07/1/08 at 10:44 am
Jime said:
Hehe, my responses are getting behind.
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To Karri: I understand what you are saying. I get it and respect you for writing it. I say this (and I always fall back on this axiom): to thine own self be true. If it works for you then do it. For me…I’m just too stubborn. I’m a donkey and I have an excellent memory and I remember the way people treat me. This memory gives me great propensity to love and respect, yet also provides extremes of disgust that don’t go away.
On 07/1/08 at 11:30 am
Karri said:
I’ve been stubborn for 8 years. It’s taken me that long to move past what was and have the ability to realize exactly what is.
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What I know wholeheartedly, without reservation is there is a person on this Earth who loves, adores, respects and cherishes me beyond comprehension. Someone who’s determination to have a successful career was based on the future we were building together and the lifestyle he wanted to provide for me and our children. He has regretted that decision everyday since.
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Pride and ego are a destructive combination. Sometimes we just need to swallow them in order to reap the rewards.
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Or something.
On 07/1/08 at 11:39 am
Kevin M. said:
I don’t disagree with you, Jime. I actually do feel the same when it comes to someone I broke up with because of who we were, or something she did, or that we just ran our course. My specific example was just that… a specific scenario that COULD come about and make me jump at the chance for… well, a second chance.
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Just don’t get the idea that I believe such a tactic should always be explored… or that every past relationship deserves another shot. No way, no how! Ignoring the obvious poor relationships I’ve had… there are definitely a few that I TOTALLY miss, COMPLETELY would love to re-live, and UTTERLY cherish as a part of my life. But even those I wouldn’t give a moment of thought to going back to. They DID end for VERY good reasons. Personally, those are the only things I act upon… GOOD REASONS. I’ve never been one to make hasty decisions when it comes to relationships.
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It’s only that one… imo, that one-in-a-million scenario that I would absolutely jump at, again.
On 07/1/08 at 11:45 am
Jime said:
If that works for you then I say go for it. I genuinely wish you the best of luck. I am happy that you wholeheartedly and without reservation believe that the other person was devoted to a successful career for the purpose of building a future with you.
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For me, well, I wrote a long bit about my feelings on this. But instead of drudging through my ever-expanding cynicism, let’s end this on a happy note:
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Karri gets the Prince and they live happily ever after. The End.
On 07/1/08 at 11:50 am
Jime said:
Kevin: Shakespeare was right, “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” It is idiotic of me to claim that I will never take a former lover back. I have no crystal ball–I cannot foresee the future. The world is full of possibilities.
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Thanks for your input. I appreciate the specific example you provided.
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I remain skeptical that such an event will ever come to pass for me.
On 07/1/08 at 11:50 am
Karri said:
HAHAHAAA!!!
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That’s a wrap folks.
On 07/1/08 at 8:29 am
lisaq said:
Oh hell no! Once the fat lady’s sung, it’s done-zo! Never mind that I’m so not even the same person I was with any of them…sadly, most of them haven’t changed a bit. To go back would not only be beyond futile, it would be self-destructive.
On 07/1/08 at 8:36 am
Karri said:
I’m totally going off topic here, I must know…will you ever go back?
On 07/1/08 at 9:49 am
Kevin M. said:
I think people are stuck thinking about the everyday “relationship-gone-bad” scenario. Think outside the trapezoid. There are countless ways two ships can be forced into different directions. And they’re not all personal or mutual conflict issues.
On 07/1/08 at 10:06 am
Karri said:
I have plenty of ex’s that I’d never, ever consider a do-over with. Some are my best friends, some I never give a second thought and then there’s the one that…
On 07/1/08 at 10:09 am
Meghan said:
There’s always that one! Damn him for not knowing it and showing up at my doorstep. Course the last time he showed up I wasn’t home…serves me right.
On 07/1/08 at 10:12 am
Kevin M. said:
Ahhh… so he took that step… you and you just happened to not be there? Maybe it’s YOUR turn to “take a step”… ?
On 07/1/08 at 10:31 am
Meghan said:
Damnit! Did my mother call you and put you up to that - is she on your friend’s list??
On 07/1/08 at 10:39 am
Kevin M. said:
Any mom of yours, Meghan is a loved one of mine. But my friend’s list is a pretty exclusive group… *cough*untilrecently*cough
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So don’t worry. She’s not playing relationship ninja, as far as I’m concerned.
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Maybe we just know you more than you THINK we know you.
On 07/1/08 at 10:42 am
Meghan said:
La la la la
*fingers in ears*.
On 07/1/08 at 11:29 am
Jime said:
Haha, you two are funny.
On 07/1/08 at 10:41 am
Meghan said:
I hate to use this movie reference, because there was cheating involved…but ‘Sliding Doors’.
The little girl holds her up from running down the stairs, and her life goes in a completely different direction. If I make a left when I usually make a right, the ‘right’ is still there - along with everyone else that made the turn.
For some reason that just popped into my head…I don’t know.
On 07/1/08 at 10:12 am
Karri said:
Are you still pining?