Undoing the bible belt or chided by chastity?
August 13, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
I’m writing to you because I don’t really have anyone I trust to give me an honest opinion. I’ve read enough over at your site to know that you’re not going to take it easy on me or jump to conclusions and scold me because ..well, you don’t know me.. My problem is this… I am twenty, and a virgin… but it’s getting harder and harder to wait. I am already engaged even though we don’t plan on getting married until after college. My faith is very important to me and saving myself for marriage is the best gift I can possibly ever give my future sweetheart… so I was wondering if perhaps you had some practical advice that might make the waiting a little more bearable, lol.
And p.s I’m not as religious as you might think so you don’t have to censor yourself for me.. 
Impatiently Patient
Dear Chastity McBiblebelt,
I find it incredibly amusing that you say you are familiar with our fair site and yet you still chose to write to us about keeping your virginity. Personally I think virginal status is best left to olive oil, and yet here we are…just you and me… (And the thousands of readers, but pay them no mind)… so lets talk.
Clearly you have a belief system that you are very secure with, and though it is very much different from my own, I shall respect it rather than ignore your question and make fun of you at next months agnostic pot-luck (I’m not really sure how I feel about going to those…no one ever knows what to bring…but I digress.)
And out of respect for our differing opinions I will not go into detail about how your religious beliefs are in line with the beliefs of people who believe that dinosaurs were some kind of god-inspired logic test on the importance of faith. Nor will I talk about how incredibly important sexual compatibility is to a healthy and happy marriage or how denying yourself pleasure might be considered a sin by some. Because that’s not why you wrote me, now is it? No, you wrote me to complain about the rigors of abstinence while hoping to filch some tips on keeping your legs closed…from the likes of me. *Whistling the Twilight Zone theme*
Anyway, here at Eve-101 we believe in giving the people what they want! And what you want is ways to make your self-imposed torture bearable, so with that in mind, I shall do my best. But Jesus…I’m no miracle worker! (did ya see what I did right there? Heh..ehm.)
Okay…
Masturbate
Don’t be telling me that you don’t do it, first of all, because we all do. Sure, some of you religious types might cry in the shower afterward but you still do it. So you…yeah you, little Miss Mcdiddles-not, do it, and do it often! And if your morality starts to get the best of you, be grateful that the shower drain is there to erase all evidence of your sinful tears. Because let’s face it; you need to get to know yourself sexually somehow. And if he is remaining a virgin (hahahahaha…ehm) he is definitely going to need the pointers come honeymoon time.
Volunteer
You do-gooders just love volunteering, right? So keep yourself busy, and avoid those pesky sins of the flesh you Christians are always supposedly burning in hell for, by helping the needy! As an added bonus: dirty, hairy, smelly homeless men are bound to turn you off of the penis. Just make sure you quit this activity 6-8 weeks before marriage time…you will need some time to coax your vagina out of hiding. You might also want to think about a Xanax prescription too, if you’re having trouble erasing the mental stamp of Karl the Crusty Bridge Wino out of your mind .
Join an all-girls sports league
Nothing helps sexual frustration quite like a little physical exertion. Besides, you will be getting healthier and stronger; and everyone wants to look good in that wedding dress, right? And think about the life-long bonds that will be forged between you and these women…hmmm-kay, you don’t want to be off the cock forever, perhaps you should avoid softball, might want to steer clear of joining a cycling club too, just to be safe. I also hear Badminton is making a comeback…
Hopefully I have helped you in some way, my simple little puritan. But let me leave you with just one more thing to consider. Take the church and state out of this and look at the man you are engaged to be married to. You both know how you feel about each other, so don’t let anyone else cloud your decision. The marriage certificate is just a piece of paper; the church is just a building. The bond is between you two. If you both want to wait, more power to you. But if you are doing it because you’ve been told it is the thing to do, well, perhaps rethink it. A new marriage is hard enough without adding potential sexual issues into the mix.
Besides, I do my best praising of the lord between the sheets and I’ve yet to be struck by lightening…so you should check into it.
Hallelujah!
Love and kisses, Eve
SO what do you think folks, can I get an AMEN? Or should our non-secular starlet be praised for her steadfastness? What impact if any does religion have on your sex life? How old were you when you finally parted the curtains and invited the crowd in for the show?
On 08/13/08 at 3:35 am
Meghan said:
Good Morning everyone!
Well, Chastity. That’s quite a foolish, I mean commendable commitment you’ve made for the sake of your beliefs! I must say I am a bit worried about your sanity pre-wedding night. You are 20 and have up to 2 more years before getting married…wow.
I’ll try and move past my 1st thought, which is the tune of ‘Here Comes the Bride’ being equal to ‘Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb.’ Instead I will support the advice of my ladies here at EVE and stay as active as possible. Just not with your partner. (whaaaa?)
It doesn’t sound like you aren’t a sexual person, just holding yourself back. I can’t say I don’t respect your position that the body is a temple, I just know I would have to walk into a few churches before I figured out which one I wanted to pray to every night.
On 08/13/08 at 6:32 am
Trista said:
Another thought comes to my mind as well…and that is the fact that these two crazy kids might just be rushing to the alter in order to get to naked fun time. I realize marriages that begin in the early 20’s CAN last…but! Your thoughts?
On 08/13/08 at 6:49 am
Cassie said:
‘naked fun time’….I LIKE that, might have to steal that line!! hahahaha
On 08/13/08 at 6:52 am
Trista said:
Steal away! Naked fun time should be for everyone!
On 08/13/08 at 12:07 pm
Sarahh said:
Why don’t we steal away… Steal away into the night.
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Dammit woman.
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All day, and for those confused and curious of how my mind works, her words brought forth THIS…
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj7pVfkSibQ
On 08/13/08 at 12:13 pm
Trista said:
And now I shall be singing it all day. So you got me back.
On 08/13/08 at 1:13 pm
Cassie said:
DAMMIT, me to now!!!!! lol
On 08/13/08 at 2:38 pm
Sarahh said:
neiner neiner.
On 08/13/08 at 7:27 am
Vic said:
I think if you can’t roll right in the hay, the relationship can not last. And I think that the first time you try and figure this out should not be after you are married.
On 08/13/08 at 7:35 am
Trista said:
Agreed. And after spending all that money on a wedding, then spending even more on the divorce lawyers, not knowing how to release the tension with an orgasm is going to be all the more painful.
On 08/13/08 at 7:45 am
Vic said:
And to think… all of that just to set yourself up for a lifetime of dysfunction! Oh Goody!!!
On 08/13/08 at 8:07 am
Trista said:
Yep. Add therapy bills to the list of wasted money…
On 08/13/08 at 5:24 pm
Vic said:
Are all of those, plus associated escort service fees, tax deductible?
On 08/13/08 at 4:57 am
PrincessQ said:
I’m just wondering if oral sex counts…
Loved the post Eve…heh. You had me giggling a couple of times.
I was a virgin till I was 20 though I’m of a different faith and I do think that this girl needs to talk about it with her fiance…Surely, if they’re going to be married, he wouldn’t mind being with her? It’s not like she’s asking to have sex with another man…
On 08/13/08 at 6:38 am
Prophet said:
According to our 42nd president It depends on what exactly your definition of what the word is… is.
…Yeah…I don’t get it either
On 08/13/08 at 6:45 am
Trista said:
I wish Karri was here, because her argument for why oral sex isn’t sex amuses me greatly.
It’s sex people, of the most wonderful kind.
On 08/13/08 at 6:47 am
PrincessQ said:
Sex. Is. Awesome.
I didn’t save myself for marriage…but does it really count if I’m not planning on getting married?
As far as oral sex…I’m really curious to know if this little virgin has had that before but has her hymen intact…
Purity is a state of mind, not the state of a tiny membrane that could get popped while riding a bike.
On 08/13/08 at 6:51 am
Trista said:
Exactly. That pesky hymen…soooo overrated. =P
On 08/13/08 at 6:55 am
PrincessQ said:
It really is!
For me, waiting for sex was a choice and also because I wanted to do it when I had control of my body. I never once thought about “Oh, what will my possible not even foreseeable future husband think of me on our wedding night?” because let’s face it. Even if I get married, it’ll be with someone who I’ve been with prior to the wedding night. Considering the fact that I’ve had 3 horrible experiences with men who didn’t know how to treat my body right, I wouldn’t even think about waiting till after marriage with the possibility that my husband might suck in bed.
Some things, you just don’t risk.
On 08/13/08 at 7:09 am
Trista said:
Well put.
Sexual compatibility…it’s a big deal, religious or not.
On 08/13/08 at 7:17 am
PrincessQ said:
It really is…and I think a lot of people don’t realize that. Chemistry is SO important but it’s more important between the sheets. One of the guys was someone I’d been friends with for years and we had great chemistry with our clothes on but once we decided to do the deed…yeah..I walked out limping. It was the first time I actually stopped sex in the middle.
On 08/13/08 at 7:47 am
Trista said:
I think a lot of people are of the school that chemistry can be “worked on” but I am not of that school. I really believe that 2 people either have sexual chemistry or don’t/ You can work on the techniques and whatnot…you can try to make adjustments to suit one another’s individual tastes, but without that zing…it just isn’t going to be great sex. And once you have had great sex, nothing else will do.
On 08/13/08 at 5:25 pm
Vic said:
Agreed.
On 08/13/08 at 11:45 am
lace* said:
mine was three days before my 18th birthday and it was an accident. was really turned on, we were spooning and rubbing and in it went. i think he was in far more shock than me. i waited so long because sex was never taboo in my house and therefore not a way to revolt. i never had intentions if waiting till marriage…my mom had always told me to know my body first, know his body second….and never buy a car or husband without a test drive….many when it comes to the husband….because one round will not tell you what you need to know.
i know my body very well….i know quite a few guys just as well, sure i’m not married yet, but when i finally do no one will have to show me what to do or where that prostate gland is,
On 08/13/08 at 11:58 am
Trista said:
If only we could get a Carfax report on prospective partners.
On 08/13/08 at 5:26 pm
Vic said:
Click Here for info on prospective partners!
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Hee-hee!
On 08/13/08 at 10:55 am
Meghan said:
‘Is’ you both cumming? Then you ‘is’ both getting down. That’s my definition.
On 08/13/08 at 11:57 am
Trista said:
hahahahahaaaaa…
Wait, so by your definition the bad sex didn’t count?
Whew!
On 08/13/08 at 3:45 pm
Meghan said:
I’m willing to run with that, unless you faked it.
You gotta own it if you’re moaning, tossing around pillows and shit hoping he’ll finish and go to sleep.
On 08/13/08 at 5:50 pm
Trista said:
hahahahahahaaa!
I don’t fake it…if I had a religion it would be against it.
On 08/14/08 at 12:28 am
Prophet said:
If I had a religion we would all just persecute ourselves… I would call it Judaism 2.0 . Or, Ju-2-daism wif we’re proselytizing to the whipper-snappers
On 08/13/08 at 6:48 am
Cassie said:
HAHAHAHAH
Trista..you crack right the hell up…a laugh I NEEDED greatly this morning!!
I do believe your response is fuckin spot on. Masturbate…ALOT….then you can at least learn what YOUR body needs in that area!!
I will say, though, that I think waiting until marriage is not the smartest of ideas. I’m gonna need to know that a man can and will get me off (and that can and will get him off) before EVER tying the knot!!!
On 08/13/08 at 7:02 am
Trista said:
Glad I could make your morning brighter, Ms. Cassie!
I agree, I think waiting for marriage is an outdated pastime…religion set up guidelines for a people of the past…people of the present have condoms and sex education, well at least sort of. GW tried to destroy that, but he’ll be out of the White house soon, so our sex ed will be improving again soon, I know it!
Keep the faith!!
On 08/13/08 at 7:11 am
Rex said:
I cannot argue against “saving yourself” if it is what you believe is right. Now, with that in mind, consider this:
Have you had a talk with your intended on his attitudes and feelings about his own sexuality? Does he even have any insight into what his attitudes and feelings are? If he does, can he be truthful about it in the charged environment of confiding in his future life’s partner?
What I’m getting at here is: Suppose your attitude is: Sex is a gift from God, an expression of love, tenderness, commitment between two people united by marriage by God. Now suppose, for whatever reason, that your intended’s psychological makeup sees sex as “pure, raw animal passion, with the woman as the object of aggression and use by the man”?
Is he going to tell you that now that you have expressed your view of sex as God’s love? How are you going to know how he really feels?
Do you expect everything to be missionary position, with the lights out, at night only, in bed only? What if he likes it doggy style, in the kitchen, while the kids are napping in the next room? How will you know?
Have you discussed any paraphilias that he may have? What? you don’t know what paraphilias are? You had better find out!
Is he at all attracted to men? Will he tell the truth?
What does he think of polyamory? What does he feel about woman on woman sex? Does he want to watch you and another woman get it on? Don’t think it’s gross. Many men love to watch it.
What does he feel about butt sex? Can you imagine being on the receiving end? Do you relish it? After he gives you that nice, cleansing, high-volume retention enema? You’d better find out before there are any unwanted surprises.
There are so many reasons to test drive a prospective life’s partner on issues of sex that I really don’t know where to start. There are equally as many reasons not to trust what he says about sex and learn from his actual behavior than I can count. I can even imagine that he does not consciously lie to you, but really, because of his religious training, is in great denial of his feelings about his own sexuality.
JMHO. YMMV. HTH. HAND
On 08/13/08 at 7:30 am
GROPEY The schizophrenic clown said:
“I cannot argue against “saving yourself” if it is what you believe is right.”
Poppycock…abstinent abbey just needs to be open to indulging a little soft-serve via the poop-shute… adopt the Mormon’s view on butt sex.. because after all, it is the one thing Mormons ever got right
On 08/13/08 at 7:32 am
Prophet said:
Poppycock? More like poopy-cock… heh….I got a million of them.
On 08/13/08 at 7:36 am
Vic said:
A million poopy cocks? How do you shit on that many chickens?
On 08/13/08 at 8:07 am
PROPHET said:
In a word…determination.
On 08/13/08 at 8:08 am
Trista said:
“JMHO. YMMV. HTH. HAND”
Ummmm, what?
On 08/13/08 at 5:28 pm
Vic said:
“Just My Honest Opinion” “Your Mileage May Vary” and I don’t know the others…
On 08/13/08 at 7:22 am
Vic said:
I was thinking about bringing olive loaf…
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I think this is silly. I had a friend in high school, a very intelligent girl who went on to get her master’s in something-or-other at Emory, who had her vision on this sunject clouded by her twisted faith. She would never have sex before marriage, because it was a mortal sin… or something like that. Let’s just say that this sad, sad state of affairs didn’t last through her undergrad years. And her high level of inexperience left her vulnerable to high emotional swings and improper attachments to the guys she eventually did sleep with. It left her with too many fucking issues to deal with.
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Like Jabs said some time ago, sex isn’t this amazing thing to be kept on a pedestal… if you want to have sex, don’t deny yourself because of some long-outdated idea. If you yourself say you’re not so religious, why the fuck would you do this unless you think you’re better than everyone else because you’re “pure” and they’re not?
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You piss me off. I hope you find that this fiancee can’t even get you to orgasm.
On 08/13/08 at 7:31 am
Trista said:
I was all set to listen to what you had to say until you quoted Jabs on my site…jeez.
But seriously, sex IS an amazing thing, and it is a way to connect with another person on a higher level. But it doesn’t always have to be about that. It can just be about the orgasm. It can just be about the desire to have another warm body touching your own. It can be an expression of love. It can be a release of energy. It can be all of these things and more. It’s flexible to be certain, but that doesn’t make it less amazing. I gave up having non-amazing sex a long time ago.
I agree that waiting can set you up for an emotional roller coaster when you DO finally jump into the sex pool. But is going through that in your teens better?
On 08/13/08 at 7:35 am
Vic said:
I dunno. I was virgin until I was 19, but that’s mainly because I had no game to lay down. Personally, I think it’s a lesson that needs to be learned as early as possible, but each person’s capacity to learn it differs. We all know that people mature at different rates and their emotional development doesn’t really follow a blueprint, but postponing it artificially is a mistake. Especially because I think that this chick is using it as a crutch for an otherwise damaged self-esteem. I really think she uses it as a lens to look down on other people with.
On 08/13/08 at 8:03 am
Trista said:
As early as possible, as in 14,15,16 years old? Hit puberty and BAM! Time to go fuck up your already hormone-ravaged brain with some sex?
On 08/13/08 at 11:33 am
Vic said:
I dunno… that’s why I qualified it with the age/maturity statement. It’s all relative.
On 08/13/08 at 12:04 pm
Trista said:
Some people NEVER mature emotionally…so no sex for them?
But seriously…I would also like to know where you got the damaged self esteem thing. Because personally I don’t get all that from the submitted question.
On 08/13/08 at 5:30 pm
Vic said:
Just personal experience form the people I know who have taken this ground before. Maybe I expressed this wrong… I think it’s more of a sense of moral superiority that they hold. This chick just seems to reek of it…
On 08/13/08 at 10:21 am
To-jamN-uuurl said:
You’ve learned alot from this women in a paragraph… vic.
Ooooooh… sounds like somebody’s got some issues with projection….and if I’m not mistaken…I doth sense a rare level of disdain and perhaps…even a smidgen of self loathing puddling near the left corner of your comment box.
On 08/13/08 at 11:35 am
Vic said:
Huh? For real? Did you actually just say that?
On 08/13/08 at 12:02 pm
Trista said:
No…they said it at 10:21am in….whatever time zone this blog is set to. =)
On 08/13/08 at 2:02 pm
To-jamN-uuurl said:
Not just…but yes.
On 08/13/08 at 5:31 pm
Vic said:
*shakes head*
On 08/13/08 at 10:09 am
Carol said:
LOL…I was thinking something similar! While I laughed at your response in parts, I have to agree that the “WHY” of waiting is what is most important. I was almost 17 when I lost my virginity. What? Yes, 17 and had been on and off with the same guy for three years. I waited because I was not ready, not because of others view of morality. I agree, this girl needs to learn the joys of orgasms, self-imposed or not. How can we give all of “our very selves” to another person in marriage if we don’t even know ourselves, our bodies, our everything? This is proof to me that marriage should not be a viable option for anyone under the age of thirty. I know some twenty-somethings with excellent marriages, but they are certainly excpetional exceptions.
On 08/13/08 at 12:16 pm
Trista said:
“How can we give all of “our very selves” to another person in marriage if we don’t even know ourselves, our bodies, our everything?”
So very eloquently put. And absolutely true, in my opinion.
On 08/13/08 at 5:33 pm
Vic said:
Personally, i think people’s brains don’t truly start to function on all cylinders until they hit 26. I know mine didn’t, and I’m one of the smartest people I know.
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And one of the dumbest… so, well, take what I say with a grain of salt.
On 08/13/08 at 6:29 pm
Trista said:
B always says that I am really smart…
for a retarded girl.
He sure is sweet.
On 08/13/08 at 7:26 am
almir said:
I think that you should keep you for your husband and your husband should be kept for you!
I respect this! And it is very nice and it is very very useful for marriage stability
thanks for article!
On 08/13/08 at 7:29 am
Vic said:
Hello, I’m Vic, and I’m from the twentieth century…
On 08/13/08 at 7:30 am
PrincessQ said:
*snort*
On 08/13/08 at 7:39 am
Prophet said:
Damn Vic…why can’t you treat the foreigners on this site as well as you treat your house-boy Eduardo? You know…minus the Crisco wrestle fests and mojito after-parties.
On 08/13/08 at 7:41 am
Vic said:
Well, mainly because I know that Eduardo is house-broken and I can’t assume anything about these foreigners.
On 08/13/08 at 7:31 am
Phoenix said:
This is some of your best work T!
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In general I agree with everything that you (and Rex) said. I think this should be required reading in middle school. : p
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At the same time I know that sometimes you just can’t tell people anything and they just have to live it to learn it, as pointless as that seems to those of us on the other side of the learning curve.
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Darn, this is good and I wish I wasn’t using my phone on vacay so I could come back to play! Have fun kiddies!
On 08/13/08 at 7:39 am
Trista said:
Thank you. And yes, the middle schoolers should get this, a vibrator, some lube and condoms. In MY world…
I wish you could stay and play on this one too, Phi. But I hope you are enjoying your vacation…see you soon. =)
On 08/13/08 at 7:36 am
Phoenix said:
p.s. why are we assuming this is a female? it seems to me the writer was very careful to remain androgenous….does the idea of this being a guy change anyones perspective?
On 08/13/08 at 7:41 am
Prophet said:
Yes I would no longer recommend…that (HE) follow the Mormon’s guide to butt sex…at least not in the way it was previously mentioned.
On 08/13/08 at 7:42 am
Prophet said:
I wonder if Gropey concurs…
On 08/13/08 at 7:57 am
GROPEY The schizophrenic clown said:
I. do. not.