Wake up, Alice!
February 26, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
I have this tendency to let people take advantage of me… let women cheat… listen to blatant lies… watch people steal… not necessarily because I have low self-esteem or some masochistic desire to feed, but because I have this incessant (and sometimes morbid) curiosity to know how far people will take things when they think that I (or others) fail to notice. I’ve spent a great deal of time and energy exploring my own dark side and limitations, so now I guess I want to know everyone else’s too. Is this really THAT strange? Is it just as unfair to my friends that I knowingly let them sabotage our friendship? Eve, when is too far really TOO FAR?
Sincerely, Through the looking glass
Dearest Lookie-lou,
Well, well, well…aren’t you a case study? Voyeurism meets inquisitiveness meets inertia, all wrapped up in a philosophical blankie of inner tumult, fascinating! And slightly more than a little bit scary, might I add.
Now, unless you are making a documentary film there is no reason to stand on the side lines and watch the lions pounce on the gazelles, especially if sometimes you happen to be the gazelle. That just isn’t healthy. I think it’s high time you begin to actually participate in the game of life. Otherwise you need to buy a camera and make an independent film about the dark side of humanity…or something.
And put aside what you are doing to you, think about what you are doing to others. Because from where I sit, you are just indulging yourself in the most nefarious psychological feature of humanity: manipulation. I see you there, shaking your head violently at me, but it’s true, my friend. I mean…these are people you care about, am I right? We are supposed to let the ones we love know when there is a speeding car headed in their direction, not watching with mild and morbid interest while they splatter. Right now what you are doing is toying with people; essentially handing them over juuuust enough rope to hang themselves with and then sitting back to wait for them do just that.
And you are a nicer guy than that, aren’t you?
Life is not a sting operation and it is not your job to entrap your friends and family. My advice to you? Stop watching and start interacting. You know…living?
Love and kisses,
Eve
On 02/26/08 at 2:55 am
Carol said:
Excellent advice….and I loved the “philosophical blankie”. Makes me have compassion and want to hug the tumult out of him.
On 02/26/08 at 6:54 am
Trista said:
I’m glad you think so, for I value your opinion. Didn’t want to come off as too harsh.
On 02/26/08 at 7:19 am
Jason said:
Wow. I don’t even know where to start on this one. Though I have a feeling that the root of his problems lies far deeper than we will address in such a forum as this. I do think that he needs to seek professional help though. Especially since it is a calamity of issues he is experiencing that are all compounding with one another. Definately an interesting issue though.
On 02/26/08 at 7:36 am
Trista said:
My advise is just as good as a shrinks!
I AM KIDDING!!!!!!
I answered because it was one of the most interesting questions I have ever gotten.
On 02/26/08 at 7:22 am
Clint said:
Great advice … wish I had gotten it earlier. I just sat back and watched Sarah embarrass Jimmy Kimmel and did nothing. I never warned her how revengeful he could be …
On 02/26/08 at 7:41 am
Trista said:
You should have stopped by earlier, Clint. We are totally full of it here at Eve-101. Advice, that is…
On 02/26/08 at 7:24 am
Clint said:
Here’s the link if that doesn’t work …
Jimmy’s Revenge
On 02/26/08 at 7:39 am
Trista said:
Bwahahahahahaaaa…
Everyone should watch this. Well, anyone who doesn’t take offense at sexual humor. Which should include anyone on THIS site.
Thanks, Clint!
On 02/26/08 at 7:27 am
Cassie said:
well, damn…I kinda do the same thing…outta boredom most of the time. I’d never let anyone hurt themselves or me, but I do like to see people’s reaction to certain things!!!
On 02/26/08 at 7:43 am
Trista said:
Liking to see reactions is one thing…constantly distancing yourself from everyone in your life, setting traps for them, all under the guise of exploring their dark sides is another.
These are his friends, not lab rats!
On 02/26/08 at 8:55 am
Cassie said:
hey, I didn’t say I disagreed with you!! LOL
On 02/26/08 at 9:17 am
Trista said:
Oh I know! I was trying to tell you that what you do is waaaaaay different! =P
On 02/26/08 at 8:06 am
E said:
I’m really enjoying these!
E
On 02/26/08 at 8:38 am
Trista said:
Thanks, E!
So nice to have you over here!!
On 02/26/08 at 9:19 am
Jeff said:
Interesting. I myself, had spent a lot of time exploring my own dark side, and it is for that reason alone, I would be too afraid to look that deep into other’s dark sides. I do completely agree with you on this T, also I’d have to say I also agree with Jason, and ‘through the looking glass’ may want to seek out some professional help. I say that, because it almost seems that this is some kind of addiction for this person. Although not every addiction is a negative one, I would consider this to be one of those negative ones. I feel no need to list my qualifications on my negative addictions, just know I have more experience with that, than one should. So for the sake of yourself, and your loved ones, maybe seek some therapy? Please also know, in saying that, I mean no disrespect at all. I’ve been in therapy for years, and a few different types. I suggest it, because I know it can help! It has helped me out some. Best of luck!
On 02/26/08 at 9:30 am
Trista said:
Good point. And I agree, it does seem like this fella could be getting addicted to this little game he is playing.
I also want to say that most ANY addiction CAN be bad…even the seemingly healthy ones. Anything you are allowing to control your life and take more of you than is sensible or healthy is not a good thing, whether it be work, exercise, food, coffee…ect.
Which reminds me, I need another cup. ‘Scuse me…
On 02/26/08 at 10:09 am
Jeff said:
That is very true. It just seems, that society deems certain addictions negative, while viewing some as positive. But as you said, anything controlling your life can be damaging. I’ve heard, “too much of any one thing, can be a bad thing.” Although I could think of a few things where that doesn’t exactly hold true. But that is besides the point. While you are off grabbing another cup of joe, I will light another cigarette while coughing! Which makes me wonder, who is the brainchild behind purposely inhaling smoke? Not a smart one, but I’d still like to shake their hand!
On 02/26/08 at 10:29 am
Sarahh said:
“Otherwise you need to buy a camera and make an independent film about the dark side of humanity…or something.”
Sadly enough, that would be something I would watch. I dig documentaries.
On 02/26/08 at 10:55 am
Trista said:
Yeah…me too. But lets not encourage him.
On 02/26/08 at 12:26 pm
mai said:
Trista you did say it best “I think it’s high time you begin to actually participate in the game of life.”
On 02/26/08 at 5:38 pm
Trista said:
Thank you, Mai. Astute as always m’love.
On 02/26/08 at 4:38 pm
Lori said:
He sounds like he does this as a form of self-sabotage or protection. As if he is too afraid to let anyone get close to him, so hence he doesn’t have to feel rejected and hurt when others screw up or lets him down.
Obviously, he choosing these type of individuals to associate with that in mind, and he can’t say it’s subconsciously because he is VERY aware of it.
Risk nothing, gain nothing in this life my friend…
On 02/26/08 at 5:41 pm
Trista said:
“He sounds like he does this as a form of self-sabotage or protection”
Yeah, I think you make a good case for that. It has become his armor…by remaining on the outside as an onlooker he doesn’t ever have to take the risk of getting close, or letting someone in.
Thanks, Lori!
On 02/26/08 at 4:50 pm
Vic said:
I’m the kind of bastard that would keep letting out the slack just to see their faces when I yank it at the end. I am forever the nice guy, but people just seem to be completely fucking dumbfounded when I actually out my foot down. They think I’m kidding and will just capitulate, because I’ve let them go so far in the past.
Than they wonder why I cut them off…
On 02/26/08 at 5:43 pm
Trista said:
You do kinda give off the perpetual nice guy act…but you were a Marine…so I am not buying it. There is a tough ass mf in there…I know this!
On 02/26/08 at 5:11 pm
Casey said:
Wow, must be exhausting to live in such a never-ending circle of manipulation as that. Good advice, T!
On 02/26/08 at 5:44 pm
Trista said:
Yeah, it does sound tiring, huh? Thanks for stopping by, Casey!
On 02/26/08 at 9:22 pm
Chomsky at the bit said:
It does not seem- at least the way it was stated- that he does not see his “friends” as the foulable human being they are. It’s like they have become subjects in an ill concieved interpersonal experiment.
Look, I think that everyone must employ some degree of manipulation in the context of their relationships . The question in this case is how does “through the looking glass” stand to benefit from this behavior… and how do his “subjects” stand to benefit?
And only he knows the answer….or if in fact their is an answer at all.
“Stop watching and start interacting” eloquent,simple and true. The best piece of information you will get on the subject, and the most practical solution.
You have no control over anything but your actions. You can choose to observe rather than interact…but in doing so you are mitigating you own needs en deference to the will of others. It’s as though you are not just allowing yourself to be manipulated …you are inviting it. No one will turn down the invitation to have things done to their specifications;when left unchallenged.
You are enabling them to manipulate you just as they are enabling you to sit idley by. Everyone is playing the role they have chosen, yours just happens to be an inert roll. If this is an accurate assesment of the situation what insight do you stand to gain from this little psychological jaunt?
Again, only he knows the answer….or if in fact their is an answer at all.
But from the context of his statements it is safe to assume that he too, thinks that something is not quite right with this particular personality quirk. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have written in seeking advice.
Perusual…Trista’s advice was sound, articulate and enjoyable to read.
Fascinating…really. Both the question posed and the response…good stuff, all of it.
(Even the comments are well reasoned.)
I do enjoy this site.
On 02/26/08 at 9:35 pm
Trista said:
His friends have become lab rats…or so it seems.
And now I am thinking of that new anti-tobacco commercial…the one with the rat and the nicotine feeder? Maaaaaaan, that ad gives me the creeps.
On 02/26/08 at 9:26 pm
Chomsky at the bit said:
Remove one of the “does not’s” from the first sentence and my comment will be at least 33% more comprehensible.
On 02/26/08 at 9:32 pm
Trista said:
Which one? If it’s up to the reader I am choosing the second one. Ok with you?
On 02/26/08 at 10:52 pm
Karri said:
My concern is who are the lying, cheating, thieves that Lookie-Lou has chosen to call friends? You know the saying…”with friends like that, who needs enemies.” Seriously, what’s the point in associating with individuals like that? Oh, that’s right to see how much destruction they can cause. I am deeply disturbed on both accounts - those participating and our friend who is enabling/encouraging dysfunctional behaviors.
*sigh*
On 02/27/08 at 7:40 am
Trista said:
Perhaps part of the problem is what he allows them to get away with? I am not saying it’s all that, for I get the feeling he is attracted to a certain type of person based upon this fetish for the darkness, but perhaps in a way these friends are much like an undisciplined child. You throw yourself on the ground and poof! You’re a throw rug!
On 02/27/08 at 7:12 am
Love & Music said:
I think maybe I’m a bit of a “Lookie-lou” myself. I however think it is because of low self esteem. I too tend to let people lie cheat and steal all around me. I just do’t have the energy, or courage to call them out on it. I don’t have the confidence in myself to deal with the way they might react to being called out.
On 02/27/08 at 7:44 am
Trista said:
I can relate to the energy thing…I have a similar bad habit. When people become detrimental to my well-being I tend to cut them out rather than warn them that I am about to. I have ended many “friendships” in this manner. I tell myself I am tossing out the dead weight…and there is truth to that, but I think my motivation is the avoidance of confrontation as much as anything else.
On 02/27/08 at 3:26 pm
Chris said:
Sorry, Trista, I have to disagree with you on this one. The only way to find out if someone will betray you is to give them the opportunity to do just that. If they then choose to do so, you know they are not worthy.
If you “give them enough rope to hang themselves” and they choose to be honorable (or honest, or loyal, or whatever you choose to call it), you know they are deserving.
It is not a “sting operation,” as you so eloquently put it; it is an observation of another person’s true colors, revealed by his or her decisions and deeds.
On 02/27/08 at 4:04 pm
Trista said:
So it is your belief, Chris, that we should spend our lives setting up trials for our loved ones to pass…or fail?
When you give someone an opportunity to betray you and then hide and watch while they do it, not only do I see that as a kind of entrapment, I also see that as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or at least that’s how I see it.
I once had a friend who left money out on a table in front of another friend whom we all knew had fallen on extremely hard times. Then he left the guy sitting in there, staring at the money…all alone for 20 minutes. And when the guy stole some of the money I was disappointed in him, but I was more disappointed in the man who toyed with a so called pal in that manner. We are supposed to pick up our friends, not psychologically manipulate them…right?
On 02/28/08 at 12:09 am
Chris said:
Not at all. I’m not talking about intentionally throwing temptation in front of them (as in your example of leaving money on the table of a friend you know is strapped); I’m talking about giving of yourself, but paying attention to when you’re being taken advantage of. A true friend recognizes on their own when they’re taking advantage of your kind heart and makes the choice to not take advantage of you on their own.
Perfect example: I’m in a valley in my own life. I have some friends who are fairly well off and have given me one of their gas cards. I make a distinct point to use it very, very sparingly. They have placed their trust in me and, as a true friend, I choose, on my own, to not betray that trust.
You give them the opportunity because you care about them, not as a test. Their own actions after that will speak eloquently enough.