Whack off, whack on
June 4, 2008 · Print This Article
Dear Eve,
My BF had crashed-out on a hotel bed along with me and one of my (beautiful!) female friends one night after we had all done a lot of partying. To my BF’s horror, he awoke to find that he had cum on my friend. When confronted, he said that he was asleep and woke up from a dream of having sex with me. My friend was mortified and I feel really sick about it and want to know if this is for real or bullshit. Could what he is saying be true, could someone do this in their sleep? I don’t know what to do!
Thank you, Creeped in my sleep
My dearest In-deep-with-a-creep,
Wait, wait, wait…help your girl Eve get it straight…you decided after a night of drinking, drugging and much shenanigans that it would be a good idea for you to put your boyfriend and your “beautiful!” friend in a bed together, hmm? You crazy kids these days…so trusting, so sharing, so stupid! What did my little croissant think was going to happen, hmm?
Okay, admittedly you didn’t think this was going to happen, not even cynical, suspicious old me would have predicted this…wow! What a funny story this is going to be in, uhhh…ten years or so when you have gotten over the embarrassment and shame and moved away from everyone who knows the three of you. (Okay, perhaps this isn’t a selling point, moving on…)
So for now you wish to know if someone could do this in their sleep. Perhaps…I myself have been known to wake in the morn with the smell of sex upon my fingers and my panties gone a missing with no recollection of my nocturnal naughtiness. So it is possible that in his post party haze he could have simply not realized where he was or who he was pleasuring himself upon, sure. But it’s also possible that your boy is a super scumbag who took advantage of you, your best friend and the situation that you two placed in his perverted little lap. But if that’s the case, and he didn’t even have the decency to finish his biz in his shirt and save you two the trauma, well…he is quite the selfish bastard, isn’t he?
Unfortunately there is just no way for me to be certain either way…I don’t know the guy. You, however, do. Trust your gut on this one, my crumpet.
And next time you decide to do a lot of partying with your hot friend and your boyfriend, either give up the cash for separate hotel rooms or just give up and have a threesome. That way at least you’ll get a bit of the action too, right?
Love and kisses,
Eve
On 06/4/08 at 1:04 am
Rex said:
bwah-hahahahahahaha!
That is all.
On 06/4/08 at 5:02 am
El Vico Grande said:
Rex splooges on girls in their sleep. He frequents the coma ward in the local hospital.
On 06/4/08 at 6:37 am
Trista said:
Laughing at the poor girl’s pain? Rex! That’s not very gentlemanly of you.
On 06/4/08 at 10:15 am
Rex said:
FUCK BEING A GENTLEMAN.
She made her own bed.
She can lie in it (with her girlfriend and skeetin’ boyfriend).
On 06/4/08 at 10:20 am
Trista said:
hahahahaa…
Yeah…what a dumb.
On 06/4/08 at 10:34 am
Rex said:
“What a dumb”… what? Does your coffee high suddenly cut off like that?! huh.
Anyways, I’ve NEVER sleep-masturbated. EVER.
I’m very much awake when I oogle your old butt pics. It pays to archive.
On 06/4/08 at 10:41 am
Trista said:
I like calling real idiots “a dumb.” It just seems to…fit.
You archived my butt? I feel so dirty…thanks!
On 06/4/08 at 10:46 am
Rex said:
Hey. Although flat and very white… I must admit, it looks very taut.
On 06/4/08 at 10:50 am
Trista said:
Flat and white…you say the sweetest things to me.
On 06/4/08 at 10:56 am
Rex said:
Imagine if I really gave you a super-sweet compliment… HOLY FUCKBALLS, you’d be all over me like white on rice on a paper plate in snowstorm.
“Rex! You’re adorrrable! Y’know, we should really work on this t-shirt shit by now. How many years have passed??? I think you need to really strap in and concentrate on it! …at MY place.”
On 06/4/08 at 11:03 am
Trista said:
Yeah, Rex…about those t-shirts…
On 06/4/08 at 2:53 am
Meghan said:
O M G! I, uh …yeah.
See - we need a little CSI Action here. Was the cum on her at waist level where he may have just had an ‘accident’; or was it closer to her face…
I’m laughing sooo hard!
On 06/6/08 at 4:46 am
andrew goulding said:
Meghan! He may have just been having a restless night and splooged her face completely by accident (LOL).
The real analysis will be when/if our heroine sees her guy’s interaction with the sploogee afterwards. If he’s the least bit “cocky”, it was no accident.
ADG
On 06/4/08 at 4:32 am
Carol said:
Mmmmmm crumpets.
Better yet, I have breakfast casserole.
Funny stuff…and accurate, to boot!
On 06/4/08 at 4:41 am
Meghan said:
Hahahaha - ‘CRUMPETS’, I thought the same thing. Croissants and crumpets!!
On 06/4/08 at 5:44 am
Carol said:
C…C….CARBS. Gotta love ‘em
On 06/4/08 at 6:36 am
Trista said:
I was watching the French Open whilst writing this…I felt inspired and a tad bit hungry.
On 06/4/08 at 2:03 pm
Carol said:
I had made my own version of Karri’s breakfast casserole…and it is absolutely delicious. Yum. I get to have it again in the morning!!!
On 06/4/08 at 2:53 pm
Trista said:
Karri…has a casserole? Does it involve tater tots?
On 06/4/08 at 3:38 pm
Karri said:
Occasionally I like to relive my Domestic Goddess days, thank you very much. And by relive, I mean call Big K and ask for recipes.
On 06/4/08 at 4:54 pm
SDGrrr(l) said:
The one thing in her cooking arsenal sure, but it’s fierce!!
On 06/4/08 at 9:49 pm
Trista said:
She never cooks for me! Sniffle…
On 06/4/08 at 5:01 am
El Vico Grande said:
Somebody’s been reading my comments on other blogs!
*smooches*
On 06/4/08 at 5:01 am
El Vico Grande said:
Hmmm… I call bullshit because I’ve used that excuse too many times. Believe you me, it’s too difficult for a guy to do the five-knuckle-shuffle on the ol’ piss pump in his sleep… you need lube. And focus. If he was trying to call out the old “nocturnal emission defense,” he’d have to have the evidence in his shorts or on his stomach. ‘Cuz he’d have had to created friction by rubbing his schmeckel against the mattress.
Face it. He stood spread-eagle over your passed out friend, cupped a boobie, and yanked till the prize came out. All over her. But may have been too black-out drunk to remember.
This is all more likely of a scenario.
On 06/4/08 at 5:43 am
Carol said:
schmeckel makes me giggle.
On 06/4/08 at 8:07 am
Trista said:
I know someone who likes to incorporate “schmeckel” into dirty talk time.
Hawt!
On 06/4/08 at 7:32 pm
troy said:
you know we cant control what comes out of our mouths….
On 06/4/08 at 1:53 pm
Gropey the schizophrenic clown said:
Is not impossible… and lube is for fucking sissies… real men can masturbate anytime any place, doesn’t matter if you’re sleeping, drunk, surrounded by quadriplegic trannies, or locked down in Bea Arthur’s basement being forced to watch golden girls re-runs while being sodomized by one of the her ill gotten emmy’s . Hell I once knew a guy who died of a heart attack and literally “came” back to life albeit only momentarily… needless to say the paramedics were a little freaked and a little bit sticky…but god dammit he became a LEGEND. When they laid him to rest the family opted to go closed casket style…well mostly anyways… it seems that the lucky stiff just wasn’t ready to shed his mortal coil…you followin’ me here… his schmeckle was the highlander… that is to say his bone motor was propping up the back half of the coffin lid. He may have died but his penga was a survivor to the last.
And you speak of lube? Jesus…Just go buy your fanny pack and wear it proudly with your pleated khaki shorts and mock turtle neck at the next gay pride parade. And leave the man talk to someone a little more qualified.
P.s. I wipe my ass with cactus…(umm, really that has nothing to do with being manly, though… I’m just a little freaky)
On 06/4/08 at 2:54 pm
Trista said:
<------- Speechless.
On 06/4/08 at 4:57 pm
SDGrrr(l) said:
With you on that one T. ________________ (!?!?!)
On 06/5/08 at 1:40 am
Melody said:
OK coming from a medical professional, DUDE you are so full of shit. There is no possible way at all, for ANY REASON that a dead guy would have a boner. Didnt you take health class in middle school? The “schmeckle” can only get hard when there is blood flow, duh. And if your heart is not pumping neither is your pecker! I hope nobody actually believed you.
And about the guy cumming on the other chick, why cant it have happened that way? Just the other night I was reading in bed and I woke my BF up because he was humping the pillow. He was rock solid, and had no clue what he had been doing, even after I told him. And he went to bed sober! Had this other guy been wearing boxers, it would have been sticking out, and obviously could have gotten spooge on her. These chicks are idiots. And telling her to follow her gut on it? Probably not the best advice for someone who obviously isnt mature enough to deal with natural biologicalstuff rationally without freaking out on the poor guy. To top it off she actually wrote about it? WTF??? I say he is probably better off without her!
On 06/5/08 at 7:27 am
Trista said:
Even in my younger years, my ‘gut’ as I said was right about the fellas I dated. If I had a hunch that they were not the greatest, for whatever reason, and ignored the felling, I was usually angry at myself in the end. Intuition is with us from a young age, that is why children can often instinctually get themselves out of trouble.
But as far as this threesome is concerned, absolutely she should go with her gut. The fact that wrote this leads me to believe that she was probably concerned with this guy before the incident…if he was Mr. Perfect Boyfriend before doing this, I don’t think she would be so concerned.
On 06/5/08 at 7:28 am
Trista said:
Oh, and maybe it’s just me…but I am pretty sure gropey up there…he’s JOKING. Just sayin’
On 06/4/08 at 6:29 am
lisaq said:
Ugh…ummmm…me thinks dude is a douchebag. And what the hell was girlfriend thinking? Lord God, people are nuts!
On 06/4/08 at 6:39 am
Trista said:
Yeah…truthfully I think the main problem here was the all getting f-ed up together and crashing in the same bed. That is a recipe for disaster right there.
On 06/4/08 at 6:58 am
El Supremo said:
Disaster, hell. That is a recipe for becoming a fucking legend.
On 06/4/08 at 7:03 am
Trista said:
Well, I am sure he will be famous in his town for THIS story…
On 06/4/08 at 6:54 am
bryan said:
there simply isn’t enough information to draw and quarter the poor fella just yet. now i’ll be the first to call bullshit on his “i was having sex with you” dream, but the fact remains it could have been nothing more than a wet dream he got to grinding on. if they were that fucked up it is possible underwear and whatnot were thrown aside at some point so it is possible his baby batter could have ended up on her.
we simply just don’t know enough.
then again he could be a complete perv and was rather distraught over the fact that he missed her ear canal in his drunken stupor…
On 06/4/08 at 7:02 am
Trista said:
That is why I told the little lady to trust her gut…she knows this guy a hell of a lot better than I…
But I must ask this: Do you men often pull down your pants and cum on a neighbor during a wet dream?
On 06/4/08 at 7:17 am
bryan said:
no we don’t, or i don’t, but like you’ve said i’ve went to bed with undies on and woken up without them. so it is possible he was dreaming and grinding in his sleep and they came off and he came on. Not saying it is the case, it is just a possibility. unless we know where he came on her and if he woke up naked or with his underwear on, then it is speculation. If they were on, then I’d say he did indeed work one out on her. Someone mentioned we need a CSI team and i concur. i want to get to the bottom of this dammit!
On 06/4/08 at 7:53 am
Trista said:
You and me both! I love doing these, but they drive me crazy, because I want to be able to conduct an interview afterwards!
It could be a blackout thing though…I don’t know about you…but I have done some wacky shit during a blackout.
And this is why Trista doesn’t drink and take pills…shudder.
On 06/4/08 at 2:05 pm
Carol said:
*laughin my ass off* I’ve done a few *ahem* crazy things during a blackout or two, myself.
On 06/4/08 at 2:55 pm
Trista said:
Some of my friends have video footage of one of mine. Most horrifying thing I have ever had to watch.
On 06/4/08 at 6:57 am
Carlene said:
hmmm… it may be because it’s early in the morning for me, but I gotta say; what the hell?!
questions:
was he wearing clothes? I mean if they were in drunken stupors, did they go to bed clothed and wake up unclothed or in their undies?
If he was clothed how did he giggity goo all over his gf’s best friend?
Maybe it’s because I never forget anything that happens, no matter how drunk I am; I am hesitant to believe his story. I mean if he was THAT drunk, isn’t it supposed to be more difficult to get/maintain an erection?
so many questions…
Allo sweety! Your talk of croissants is making my tummy growl, and it’s not even 5am yet!
On 06/4/08 at 7:00 am
Trista said:
I am with you on the questions, love…these people never give us enough information. I gots to go with what I have. And I had to use this one because, well…it was funny. =P
Can you tell I was hungry when I wrote this??
On 06/4/08 at 7:07 am
Carlene said:
Yes, I must say I will probably laugh every time I think about this one.
Heck, I might even bring it up to some of my guy-friends and see what they have to say; my morbid curiosity will keep me asking.
oui madame, I can. Ah, the power of a few strategically placed food words! mmm…pastries.
On 06/4/08 at 7:14 am
Trista said:
I would love for to ask…and share their answers with the class.
I asked B…he said possible but not plausible, pretty much. Unless of course they were all sleeping naked. And if that was the case, our little danish was not so smart, was she?
On 06/4/08 at 6:59 am
Cassie said:
“And next time you decide to do a lot of partying with your hot friend and your boyfriend, either give up the cash for separate hotel rooms or just give up and have a threesome. That way at least you’ll get a bit of the action too, right?”<—–that, right there, is the best advice EVER!!! lol
I think it is funny that she expected it NOT to happen!!!
On 06/4/08 at 7:06 am
Trista said:
Thank you, thank you…
Yeah…I agree. Perhaps she thought they would all wake up refreshed in the morning and enjoy a lovely continental breakfast while lounging around in their flannel pajamas watching Regis and Kelly.
And then she woke up. To her man’s ejaculate. On her friend’s body.
So sad.
On 06/4/08 at 7:26 am
Karri said:
G’morning my little donut hole!
On 06/4/08 at 7:54 am
Trista said:
Hello, my coffee cake!
On 06/4/08 at 7:28 am
the russiann said:
nothing like waking up with cum all over….nice touch.
My own personal opinion… i call bullshit on the male and the extra friend that was involved. I suggest next time instead of sharing hotel room walk yourself down to that nice old motel down the street and make her sleep by herself.
On 06/4/08 at 7:56 am
Trista said:
Ahhhhh…so you put some blame on little miss “beautiful!” friend as well? Interesting…
Although I think they were all drunken idiots. No one is a victim here, except perhaps the maids.
On 06/4/08 at 8:04 am
Karri said:
Apple Fritter,
Looksie there, I do believe it is the one and only Anal Girl in the house!
On 06/4/08 at 8:31 am
the russiann said:
whats with all the pastry references?! are you menstruating!?
On 06/4/08 at 8:40 am
Trista said:
We need to eat!
On 06/4/08 at 7:37 am
Jime said:
I agree with El Vico Grande and also call this: bullshit. If he had been too piss-drunk to remember what he was doing then he probably wouldn’t have been able to come. Maybe there are some guys out there that could but at that point of drunkenness I know my ability says “Fuck You, Jime” and then it’s sober-up time in order to be fresh for more sexual antics. Or, even if he does have the ability to be piss-drunk and come, it would have taken a LOT of stroking–plenty of time for him to know what he was doing.
.
If he is saying that this was a wet dream then it’s total bullshit because it takes the body at least a month without any sex of any kind for a wet dream to happen (gotta build up, yo). And if he’s saying that he woke up masturbating and blew his splooge…well, ok, I’ve done that before, BUT there comes a point where you wake up fully before the moment of coital release. So, if THAT happened, he knew what he was doing at the critical moment.
On 06/4/08 at 7:59 am
Trista said:
So all those times that you men have used the “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing when I had sex with that waitress, stripper, hooker, next door neighbor…” that was all…bullshit??
I am shocked and appalled!
On 06/4/08 at 9:44 am
Jime said:
You men? YOU men? Hey, hey–don’t include me in that herd! Those aren’t men, Trista, just over-developed boys. This is a joke question though, right? I hope it is. You’re a smart woman, Trista. Any man that is using the “I was drunk” excuse is full of so much shite that the fumes could rocket a space shuttle to the moon! I mean…hello, time to wake up and smell the money-shot.
On 06/4/08 at 10:06 am
Trista said:
Yeah, I kid.
But there are many out there who DO subscribe to the “I was drunk, therefore I am blameless” theory.
And you are right, they aren’t grownups.
On 06/4/08 at 10:13 am
Jime said:
Whew! My faith in your wisdom has been restored to 100%. Carry on!
On 06/4/08 at 10:21 am
Trista said:
I think we need to all agree to use a different colored font for sarcasm…it just doesn’t translate well over the internet.
On 06/4/08 at 10:26 am
Jime said:
That’s a horrible idea!
I wonder if that’ll work. I’ll feel like a jackass if the html doesn’t stick, tee-hee.
Haha, I usually get your sense of humor. My brain must not be functioning right today. After reading back what you wrote I can totally hear the Trista “sarcastic tone”.
On 06/4/08 at 10:26 am
Jime said:
Nope it didn’t work. Ha. It put my font in italics and not color. Gah.
On 06/4/08 at 10:47 am
Trista said:
Italics could work too…
On 06/4/08 at 10:52 am
Jime said:
Yeah but then whenever I try to emphasize a word, peeps’ll be thinking, “Tone down the sarcasm, Jack.” AND lay off the caffeine.
On 06/4/08 at 10:54 am
Trista said:
Hmmm, yeah…good point. Back to the drawing board.
On 06/4/08 at 10:58 am
Jime said:
Back to the drawing board, indeed!
On 06/5/08 at 1:46 am
Melody said:
Again, full of shit. I have two sons, and I know what the sheets tell me… What is with you poor un informed creatures???
On 06/5/08 at 7:32 am
Trista said:
I’m guessing your sons are a wee bit younger than Jime here…so I wouldn’t call Jime uninformed…so much as coming from an the perspective of an adult male, rather than a teenager. And we would all like to hope that the folks who wrote in the question are adults too…although I cannot be sure.
On 06/4/08 at 7:43 am
Cap'n Nina - Pantiless Pirate said:
I’ll play devil’s advocate here. First, what I want to know is…where was the cum? Was it on her leg, back, face???? What was everyone wearing in that bed?? I’ve woken up in the morning a little sticky on the backside and in certain crevices and my husband has had no recollection of anything happening. And while I don’t mind him taking advantage of me, I would remember if he was poking, prodding and fo