Feeling Naughty, or Nice?
November 29, 2008 · Print This Article
Now that we’ve managed to make it through Thanksgiving, we have one more month left to go in the official Holiday Season. Like the song says, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, and I think I understand why. There seems to be a school of thought that we can get away with anything right now, and chalk it all up to it being ‘The Holidays’. December is the most excuse laden month of the year, just right for all of us questionable guys and gals that have been waiting eleven months for a little guilt free indulgence and debauchery. Just me?
If the rest of the world can blame stress, weight gain, depression, impulsivity and overall piss poor behavior on 31 little days in December, then why can’t I? Without divulging the gritty details, I’ve had a hell of monster year in 2008. I plan on using ‘The Holidays’ to excuse all 5 of the following activities, should they occur.
Drinking Heavily
These days, I’m more likely to have a few and then get extreme giggles laughing at others (and myself) on the walk home with my friends. That’s way under the silly season bar tab I’m capable of. This year I’ll throw on my college sweatshirt and make like its 1998; when all I had to worry about was finals and tasty, tasty shots. Besides, holiday cocktails and cleverly named ‘tinis’ mean I am allowed to celebrate and push it over the edge. The Grinch’s heart grew three sizes, my liver is feeling left out.
Eat Like ‘Skinny Santa’ on a Mission
I’ll need plenty of food to help absorb the continual flow of alcohol. I suggest the USDA develops a temporary Food Pyramid until the light of January 1st hits my good china. The first five tiers will consist of flour, sugar, butter, frosting and anything colored red and green. I will reserve for the tippy top for nutritious grains, vegetables and omega-3s which I will use sparingly.
Become a Manic Shopaholic
My bank account managed to get out of Black Friday unscathed, but I am tossing that caution to the wind this very instant. If someone else in the store wants it, I will then have to have it. Everybody knows I’m a sucker for gadgets and it’s time to stop turning down impulse buys for the sake of reason. My cart will overflow with digital, wireless, high def and flat screen plasma goodness. It’ll all fit in my car nicely, but I’ll pay extra to have it delivered just so my neighbors can see what a great year it’s been.
Fist Fight in a Strip Mall
We can’t seem to let a year go by without at least one individual getting trampled, beaten or run over with an SUV out of holiday shopping stress. That combined with the fact I absolutely hate shopping and 90% of all Christmas music, somebody could get hurt. Truthfully I’ve only been in one physical altercation in my life. A woman took a swing at me, missed; I reacted by swinging back and broke her nose. Fight over. So go ahead and test me in front of Linens N Things, I’m feeling scrappy.
Casual Sex in an Office Setting
I don’t have any real co-workers in what I do for a living, so I was quick to rule out awkward office party sex. Yet seeing as how every day until the ball drops in Times Square there’s an office party going on somewhere, my chances are still good. I’ll just appear out of nowhere, claim to be ‘from the New York Office’ and nail a random Jr. Executive in the Board Room. The break room is probably occupied with other Christmas tree star crossed lovers that got a little too tipsy under the mistletoe.
Then, on New Year’s Day, I will wake up refreshed and ready to make my list of resolutions for 2009. Including, of course, an array of doctor’s appointments because December left me a physical wreck and a possible ‘carrier’.
Okay, I probably won’t do any of those things. Rest assured if one or two of them squeak by that it wasn’t my fault, just the reason for the season.
It’s December! Everybody geared up for the Holidays? What the hell gets into some people this time of year? What stresses you ladies and gents out during the Silly Season? Money? Shopping? Crowds? Cookies? What will you be indulging in over the next 31 days of promotional bliss? Care to share your ghosts of Holidays Past? Remember, I’m feeling scrappy…
On 11/29/08 at 1:12 am
Meghan said:
November, we hardly knew ye.
I for one and looking forward to more inappropriate social ills being displayed, and somebody to scoff it off saying, ‘Oh lighten up…it the Holidays!’
What would Jesus do?…Lower his standards of course.
On 11/29/08 at 5:51 am
~Lori~ said:
What stresses me out? Wanting every thing at home to be perfect and in order for the holiday. Shopping, I hate malls, rather do it online, but will venture out more so to find the right gift, of course overspending on my kids. I can’t help it, it has always been about them even though one is pretty much grown, and the other on her way.
As for indulgence, food, winter time hits, the pounds creep up on you anyways, sometimes I feel like my body is gearing up to hibernate.
By the time I hit Dec. I say to heck with it, might as well enjoy myself, and start over when the New Year hits ;p.
On 11/29/08 at 7:02 am
Meghan said:
Are you one of those homes that hosts the family? My house was like that as a kid and had the relatives over, I remember how stressed my own mother would get having to plan for guests.
Nothing brings people together like food and two feet of snow on the ground…there’s only so much restraint in a day
On 11/29/08 at 4:57 pm
~Lori~ said:
Use to be when I was kid and when I was married a lot different events ;p Now it is more having my daughter fly in and she is bringing a friend this year, staying two weeks with us… I just like to have things nice, I probably overdo it but that’s just me
On 11/29/08 at 6:00 am
Matt. E. Warren said:
Meghan, sorry you are feeling crappy. Please feel free to indulge on some NyQuil.
As for the Holidays, I am a regular Scrooge. I think it has something to do with the fact that I hate winter with a passion. I mean, instead of counting down the days til Christmas, I’d rather make a calendar to count down the days til Spring…Training.
I like your casual office sex take though. Why not make that a year ’round thing?
On 11/29/08 at 7:05 am
Meghan said:
LOL…I’m not really feeling crappy! But thanks for the over the counter alternative. If only NyQuil worked on me. Smart ass…
If we could just have everything at our fingertips winter would be great, wouldn’t it? But no, we have to trudge out in the snow, clean off our cars and load on 3 layers of gear to buy a gallon of milk.
I might just make casual office sex a day of the week…why not?
On 11/29/08 at 6:02 am
lisaq said:
Bah humbug. Opps I said that the other day didn’t I? Ahh well, it happens.
I personally will be overindulging in those damn ‘tinis’ you mention. Got a head start on Thanksgiving with the appletinis. I’m thinking seriously of working my way through the ‘tini’ alphabet since I started with “A.” Maybe I’ll have one every time I hear a damn Xmas song. Ugh.
And I particularly like the office sex idea. Remember that young co worker I mentioned awhile back. Bar the door Bessie. That poor boy won’t stand a chance! Okay, maybe not, but a girl can fantasize right?
On 11/29/08 at 7:07 am
Meghan said:
Ha! I do remember your coworker, ahem, dilemma…!
Maybe if they didn’t start playing the Holiday music while I am picking up Halloween candy for the trick or treaters I wouldn’t despise it so. I liked it at a kid, sang it every year at school…but for a girl from Michigan there is no reason to be humming ‘Oh the weather outside is frightful…’ while I’m wearing a t-shirt and drinking an iced coffee!
On 11/29/08 at 6:12 am
Jacqueline said:
You BETTER duke it out to get the goods (& use your gift cards from last year!)at Linens N Things before they close forever! The rest is optional…
On 11/29/08 at 7:08 am
Meghan said:
I’m warming up my meathooks now! Just watch one of those ladies try and get in my way of ridiculous kitchen gadgets I thought I needed…
On 11/29/08 at 6:58 am
The Striped Avenger said:
I agree with Jacqueline. You really need to crack a few skulls this season. I do, however, feel you should not limit yourself to Linen’s and Things. I think it would be way better to break out a can of whupass in Brookstone or Yankee Candle. That way in the middle of hair pulling you can both knock a ridiculous amount of stuff over. That’s my two cents so Merry Fucking Christmas Em.
On 11/29/08 at 7:11 am
Meghan said:
Merry Fucking Christmas to you too…that’s about all the Holiday love you’ve gotten from me and that’s all you’re going to get.
If I could in fact step into a Yankee Candle at any given point during the year, maybe I wcould cause some real damage…maybe my nose is too sensitive, but I don’t like the smell of ’sugar cookies’ mixed with ‘pine needles’ on top of ‘freshly washed sheets’.
I’m nauseous just thinking about it…blecchhh.
On 11/29/08 at 8:14 am
Karri said:
I indulged in my own Black Friday with pj’s, credit cards and a high speed internet connection. To put it mildly I was…OUT. OF. CONTROL! But I refused to venture out into that nonsense. Seriously, where do all those people come from?
I’m planning on drinking my carbs and calories this month. It seems to be a fitting way to actually make it through the next month with some semblance of sanity come 1/1/9. Bring on the tinis!
On 11/29/08 at 9:42 am
Meghan said:
Yay! Thats the way to tackle anything…If my PJs are involved I automatically feel 110% better about all of it.
I did Black Friday ONE time with friends the 1st Thanksgiving in Boston. They go every year. It was a madhouse and I was a poor AmeriCorps recruit making $176/wk.
Bargains didn’t really do me any good on that budget.
On 11/29/08 at 12:26 pm
Karri said:
In our current state of economic affairs bargains aren’t doing most of us any good. But I have an on again/off again love affair with ebay and etsy and right now I’m being courted. So what’s a girl to do?
On 11/29/08 at 3:24 pm
Meghan said:
Courted by internet shopping…it really is romantic! How they know you and your credit card of choice so well. How they can make recommendations for you. It’s old fashioned woo-ing!
On 11/29/08 at 8:41 am
Dillon said:
Times like these, I wish I was a random Jr. Executive. Maybe I’ll put that on my list of resolutions.
On 11/29/08 at 9:42 am
Meghan said:
LOL…rawrr.
On 11/29/08 at 9:12 am
Jeremy said:
You’re gonna be puking green. That’ll bee cool!
On 11/29/08 at 9:43 am
Meghan said:
And I’ll be angry. If I could just get my head to spin around…
On 11/29/08 at 9:54 am
Jessica said:
I seriously could have eaten enough for two on Thanksgiving since I had to visit two families. So it’s light eating for the next 28 days until the next family get together
Money is definitely the key factor of stress for this holiday season as it is for many, so no I wasn’t highly motivated to go out Back Friday shopping to max out the credit cards…although I did wake up at 5:00am in the morning to online shop for one item for my son and by the time 5:05am came around the item was out of stock at 5 different websites…WTF! Did I miss the memo stating they were only selling 5 per site! I was highly dissappointed.
On 11/29/08 at 12:04 pm
Meghan said:
Oh no! Hopefully you can track it down for little man after the excitement wears off.
I rarely do much shopping in Boston because then I’d have to transport everything to Michigan when I go home. So I’ll try to gather pin point accurate lists from everyone and the second I get off the damn plane I have to hit the mall…no the best way to go about shopping.
I suppose I could have things sent to my folks and wrap them when I get there, but that feels weird, no?
On 11/29/08 at 4:32 pm
Jessica said:
Yeah managed to get a different deal for him…so spoiled! I remember the first x-mas I was living out in Boston and we flew home for the holiday I had one suitcase full of presents alone! Such a hassle. Then the following x-mas when we couldn’t make it home, I spent so much money on shipping all the presents. Lesson here? Gift cards all the way
on the bright side, Michigan shopping is probably cheaper than Boston. But Meghan, the best gift is having you come visit!
On 11/29/08 at 8:29 pm
Meghan said:
Ohhhh…I love you, lady! I will keep you posted on my itinerary…it gets cloudier every day, but I will make it happen. Give little man a hug for me. he’s such a great kiddo!
On 11/29/08 at 11:41 am
Karl Rove said:
I’m with you on the impulse shopping. Yesterday I bought a Wii. My friend has had one for a while and they make an amazing party activity, so I got one and invited a bunch of friends over last night. Childish? Maybe. Fun? Hell yeah.
On 11/29/08 at 12:06 pm
Meghan said:
I swear to the Nintendo gods I thought just yesterday that maybe I needed to buy a Wii!!! Its all those new commercials with the women cozied up on the couches chatting, Wii remotes in hand.
I don’t know if I am going to get out of this weekend without the new Blackberry storm AND a Wii…
On 11/29/08 at 4:13 pm
kroll said:
I can’t decide if it’s a good idea to get a Wii. I don’t want it to suck up all of my time when I should be productive… but they’re so much fun!
On 11/29/08 at 8:30 pm
Meghan said:
See…I am sort of tired of drowning in bad reality TV as a distraction and I thought…why not a Wii? I mean, I’m a 31 yr old single gal…better than a cat!
On 11/29/08 at 4:58 pm
Karl Rove said:
The Wii is just so nostalgic. You can buy games from all the old Nintendo systems and download them onto the Wii for $5-$10 a piece. It brings back so many wonderful memories of stomping Goombas and throwing turtle shells.
And yesterday I was playing a game where the character was talking on the phone and you actually have to hold the controller up to your ear to hear it from the speaker in the controller. How fucking cool is that?!?
On 11/29/08 at 8:31 pm
Meghan said:
You can buy the old Nintendo games?!?!? I am so not Wii informed! That’s almost a direct sale right there!
I’m only used to the boys I look after playing Tiger Woods and Madden games…I’m going to lose a lot of money this Sunday!
On 11/29/08 at 2:15 pm
reggie said:
Well, this is a subject I’m going to have remain serious about. This time of year more than any other sends numerous people spiraling down into depression. The elderly are mainly susceptible to this, due to the vast number of them that are alone. A few years back I decided to get involved with an organization that puts on a festive event every Christmas for elderly men. A local bar goes out and gathers senior citizens together for a night of food, drinks and entertainment. I supply the entrainment. Oh I forgot to mention this is a gay bar. Yes, every Christmas I put aside all the b.s associated with the holidays.I put on my little candy striped thong and I become “Edwardo The Mambo Queen”. Yes, I dance at a gay bar every Christmas!! I can’t tell you the joy that it brings to see these elderly gentlemen smiling and struggling to stuff a dollar bill down my g string. I’ve had to demand though that they’re not allowed to tip any longer. Last year I was badly burned when this guy who had very arthritic hands put a ten spot in my crotch. It seems he had Ben Gay all over his hands. I just couldn’t get mad at the guy. As I stood there with burning testicles, he looked up at me and with a tear in his eye, he called me, “his little stocking stuffer”. So this year I want to encourage everyone to give a little something back this Christmas. I know I’ll be giving something back or something from the back.
Merry Christmas,
Edwardo The Mambo Queen
On 11/29/08 at 3:27 pm
Meghan said:
Oh My God, Reg!
That is so sweet of you. I mean, it really is the true meaning of sacrifice to train yourself to dance away someone else’s Holiday blues.
I commend you, dear sir for what you have brought to your community and the lasting impression you have made in both mine, and their hearts.
As the Holidays fly by this year, and we start 2009, just trust in one thing…
We hate to see you go, but we LOVE to watch you leave.
M
On 11/29/08 at 5:25 pm
reggie said:
Don’t ask me where that shit comes from…I just have a warped twisted sense of humor that doesn’t turn off. Perhaps it was all the drugs during the late sixties and early seventies. At any rate thanks for allowing my craziness.
And as always…I love you like a brother from Arkansas,
reg
On 11/29/08 at 8:32 pm
Meghan said:
I will follow any sort of craziness that ends in laughter…much appreciated, Reg!
Have an excellent rest of the weekend!
M
On 11/29/08 at 4:11 pm
kroll said:
Happy hour fondue and espresso martinis are calling my name for the month of December!
I’ve decided that even though holidays aren’t as exciting in terms of presents and only one of us still goes to bed waiting for Santa to come, it’s ok because now we can all drink together. A couple of years ago I took this to an extreme on Christmas Eve. I had too many vodka tonics and was very emotional and was in the mood to share. I look forward to mimosas at Christmas breakfast and then going home to finish wrapping presents. It’s so much more enjoyable with a little buzz!
On 11/29/08 at 8:33 pm
Meghan said:
I actually LOVE wrapping gifts…I always offer to do it for my friends and family. A mimosa while wrapping gifts sounds like an awesome idea. And an espresso martini?!?!?! Why the hell haven’t I been offered an espresso martini?
On 11/29/08 at 7:40 pm
Kel said:
LOL - love the list of things to do this holiday season!
I for one HATE the holidays. HATE isn’t even a strong enoough word for me and the holidays. So I just go about my otherwise merry way and pretend they don’t exist. If anyone forces me to acknowledge the specialness of the season, they will for sure get a bah humbug from me.
The only things good about the holiday season are 1 - that I’m in CA and it doesn’t snow here; and 2 - it’s great sleeping weather!
On 11/29/08 at 8:35 pm
Meghan said:
I love the holidays in theory…but they just aren’t what they used to be when I was a kid! I never had to listen to XMAS music pumped into 7-eleven while they still have the halloween decorations up.
Its all too rushed and forced upon us. It went from the 12 days of Christmas to the 60 days of Christmas and that just takes all the fun out of it for me.
Hopefully I’ll be able to snap out of that disdain when I have a family of my own…right now though…I’m feeling scrappy
On 11/30/08 at 8:52 am
MGL said:
A really interesting article. I too am likely to have a few drinks and laugh at the world.
On 11/30/08 at 3:15 pm
Meghan said:
It’s really the only way to go…at least in my family
Thanks for stopping by!