What Type of Woman Do You Take Me For?
June 30, 2008 · Print This Article
It definitely felt like a Prize Fight, one that went well beyond a regulation 12 rounds. There was no clear KO, or even a Technical. In the end, we threw in the towel and flipped the hoods over our eyes as we walked back to our respective corners. Just like that, a 4 year Relationship ended in what felt like an emotional Battle Royale.
Considering the rapid (and sometimes tumbling) momentum I’ve managed to sustain the last 6 months since, I’m fine being alone. This is a temporary, I know that. Yet I admit to thoughts that are lurking, even creeping up on me. Like anyone getting out of a long term relationship, I’m questioning what it’s going to take to meet someone ever again. I’m negating, of course, the obvious notion that I leave behind my collection of DVDs and cozy pants to head out of my apartment.
When a friend recently asked me about ‘my type’, the phone went so silent she hung up thinking she’d lost reception. That’s just it, I don’t have one. If you put every man I ever dated in the same room…sorry…, I just got woozy. Never mind.
As I sit here in my cozy pants, I know far more about some of the qualities I am hoping to avoid than what might be considered my ‘type’. If I were to place a singles ad today, here are some of the finer details I’d require:
SWF - 30 SEEKS M for LTR WHO DOESN’T DRIVE LIKE AN ASSHOLE
I like the rain; but I do not want to kiss in it, make love in it, play in it, have passionate thoughts in it or dance in it. If you do there is a good chance I will be walking home alone ‘in it’ after our 1st seasonal downpour.
Must love all animals, and by all animals I mean large dogs ONLY.
It’s doubtful I will ‘take you higher’, ‘come fly with you’, or ‘live on the wild side’. Any requests for us to do anything that sounds like Arena Rock or a Power Ballad will be denied.
Please have the decency to be as descriptive as possible with the dress code at all events you invite me to. Saying ‘TOTALLY Casual’ and showing up at my door wearing a Tie is risking you a hefty kick in the shorts with my sensible right shoe.
Love to spend quiet time, curled up on the couch with a good movie, showing you I care about just you and only you.
Please understand I don’t care about just you, and only you and I will have ‘Girls Night’. When I do, please do not make veiled girl on girl jokes. When you aren’t here, my friends and I do not have pillow fights in white cotton panties. Sorry.
Oh, I get my period roughly every 27 days. Act accordingly.
I shouldn’t be single for long….
So do you all have a list of do’s or don’t that you require in a significant other? How realistic is your list at this point in your life?
This is Meghan. She enjoys her army of BOB’s almost as much as I do mine. She is also quite opinionated on, well…just about everything. You can find more of her humorous take on life in her plethora of blogs over here. Her audience should be bigger…make it so. And give her some love in yonder comments…now!
On 06/29/08 at 9:37 pm
Karri said:
“F-bombs are a regular part of my vernacular. I’m clumsy. I burp and sometimes forget which fork to use. Both Sushi and snow suck ass…do not try to convince me otherwise. I’ve dated my best friends and will not give them up because you’re insecure. I will not complete you or support you, I may however cause you to question your Karma.”
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Can’t you just see my potential suitors lining up now? HA!
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Come to the commune, Megs! Come. To. The. Commune!
On 06/30/08 at 5:43 am
Meghan said:
I’ve recently realized I drop wayyy too many F-Bombs. I am a certified potty mouth and I truly have no idea how to stop.
And snow…it looks pretty on a post card, it’s okay as long as the sidewalk is clear…but I have lived my entire life in either Michigan or Boston and I once had to dig my car out with a large frying pan for lack of a shovel!
Fuck snow!
On 06/30/08 at 9:58 pm
Kevin M. said:
Did you just say “sushi sucks ass”??
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You are dead to me.
On 06/30/08 at 2:53 am
Meghan said:
Karri just reminded me that I burp? I also like reality TV…and please don’t ask me to watch any sporting event with you unless you like hearing your lovely little sweetheart curse like a drunken Irish Dock Worker.
Oh Hi!
On 06/30/08 at 6:30 am
Karri said:
I live for football Sunday’s, and can’t date someone who doesn’t. I’m such a dude sometimes…so NOT hawt!
On 06/30/08 at 6:43 am
Meghan said:
I have been told that it is ‘Not Cute’ that I know more about football than the average man…
On 06/30/08 at 6:46 am
Karri said:
UGHHHH…”not cute”…shut up pussy!
WHOA! Where’d that come from?
On 06/30/08 at 6:50 am
Carol said:
Commune Handbook, page 14?
On 06/30/08 at 6:57 am
Karri said:
Worse than “not cute” is the bait and switch. One day my grossness is cute and the next its not? What kind of crap is that?
On 06/30/08 at 7:00 am
Meghan said:
I’ll put up with your shit as long as you are putting up with mine. My habits don’t go into a pretty pink case when you aren’t in the mood for them.
On 06/30/08 at 7:11 am
Karri said:
A-FREAKIN’-MEN!
On 06/30/08 at 10:14 pm
Kevin M. said:
I LOVE that you love football. And don’t worry… ZERO double-standard, here! I want you to love EVERYTHING about life… just as I do.
On 06/30/08 at 6:53 am
Meghan said:
Seriously! And get me another beer - this one has gone warm…
On 06/30/08 at 7:39 am
bryan said:
what is “cute” or sexy is for a chick to be herself. the fucking worst is when women are not themselves and try to pretend to be something they are not. And perhaps worse than that is when the pretend to be what they think you want them to be, or most likely how society “thinks” men want them to be. fuck that in the mouth.
my male ego would truly be damaged if i was threatened by a football watching, beer drinking, cussing like a sailor woman. i couldn’t give two squirts of piss about football but would gladly listen to whatver she knows about the subject if she was having a good time doing it and maybe learn something in the process.
now hockey on the ohter hand… well, i’ll even turn down a blowjob if my fav team is playing… well, ok maybe not if they are losing…
On 06/30/08 at 7:46 am
Meghan said:
‘Fuck that in the mouth’ - well said! And probably something I would say and be ‘not cute’ for saying.
I agree! I hate when women play ego-boost over every little thing for the sake of being a lesser being. It isn’t doing anybody any favors.
On 06/30/08 at 6:24 am
Cassie said:
Man….I think I need to hang out with Meghan.
“and please don’t ask me to watch any sporting event with you unless you like hearing your lovely little sweetheart curse like a drunken Irish Dock Worker”<———–THAT is soooooo me.
Makes watching sports around all the little ones in my life VERY hard to do!! LOL
I can only add to what Karri and Meghan have shared that my family is most important to me…if a guy cannot or will not at least TRY to get along with them, there is no need even hanging around for long!!!
On 06/30/08 at 6:28 am
Meghan said:
REBOUND THE BALL SHIT HEAD!
Excuse me…I just had a March Madness flashback!
Yes - family…mine is a little disconnected, so I’d like to have a man who can pinpoint at least enough relatives to justify a Labor Day BBQ.
On 06/30/08 at 11:02 pm
Kevin M. said:
Sports is all about passion. And GREAT sports… i.e. playoffs/finals, college ANYTHING, or big-time rivals… demand unbridled passion. To this day, I have NEVER understood that typical ‘guy and girl’ you see at a sports bar or party, the couple where HE is yelling at the screen, berating the refs, and praying for the next big play at the top of his lungs… all while his so-called “match” is sitting there like the timid little lamb that she is, not only afraid to chime in during crucial plays, but she quite obviously has no clue what the hell she’s watching. Now don’t get me wrong… I understand that not all women are sports fans. I get that. Nothing wrong with that. But it’s when she’s there wearing a $100 team jersey and purporting to be some big fan… yet she can’t tell the difference between a wide receiver and a slutty cheerleader.
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If you’re gonna act the part… at LEAST attempt to learn wtf you’re yelling at. Deal?
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And all you diehard sports fan chicks out there… I. LOVE. YOU!!!!
On 07/1/08 at 1:22 pm
Chris said:
And why… pray, tell… can that Labor Day BBQ not consist of us having hot, sweaty, monkey sex on the deck while the steaks are grilling and the game is on a commercial? Hmmm?
On 06/30/08 at 6:39 am
Carol said:
More reasons I lvoe Meghan…and I look forward to the comments which are sure to come about white cotton panties.
Let’s see. My list is probably longer than yours. But, I think any true ad would include something to the effect of “your sex/initmacy drive should match or exceed mine. If you have a brain, and you MUST have one, you can figure out that even if two hours a day are spent having hot monkey sex….there are MANY more hours NOT spent pleasuring each other. Conversation matters.”
On 06/30/08 at 6:47 am
Meghan said:
My love of Carol swells…
And I just don’t think I will ever get tired of the phrase ‘Monkey Sex’! After the primal primate loving, it WOULD be nice if he proves he doesn’t have a 10,000 B.C. Simian Brain.
On 06/30/08 at 6:55 am
Carol said:
I love hot monkey sex. I love making love all night long, too. I love it all. But, whenever the clothes go back on (or not, cause I kind of dig talking and just hanging out naked)…conversation is a good thing. But, the part which seems to fade is the conversation BEFORE the sex. Day to day, sharing of details and laughter. When that well starts drying up, I can pretty much guarantee my love juices are hopping a train,too. **totally skipping over the visual that Kevin likely has of your invisible penis “swelling” !**
On 06/30/08 at 6:58 am
Meghan said:
HAHAHAHAHA,
Yes, I think I’m not getting out of this day alive without a few jokes at my behalf! I couldn’t have made it this far on my own without my invisible penis…I welcome it!
On 06/30/08 at 7:01 am
Karri said:
Eve-101 where women embrace their inner penis.
On 06/30/08 at 7:04 am
Meghan said:
Its sort of like reverse penis envy - If I have bigger ‘invisible’ junk than a man has ‘actual’ junk - is he the one who is jealous?
On 06/30/08 at 7:09 am
Karri said:
I’d imagine it’s quite emasculating to be with a woman who exudes more masculine qualities than their testosterone actually produces. Whoopsie. Sorry.
On 06/30/08 at 7:28 am
Carol said:
I don’t even know if it’s “masculine” qualities. I think some men view a woman opening her own pickle jar as a threat. The smart man KNOWS it’s not a threat. Lets face it, we all have different little insecurities which flare up at different times. And,the only way to work through and understand them better is to have *gasp* conversation and honest communication. I think I have a one track mind today.
On 06/30/08 at 7:33 am
Karri said:
Gawd, I hate to say the “V” word, but it is essential. Feeling safe enough to let down our guard, be vulnerable, and ask him to open the pickle jar can often be more difficult than it sounds.
On 06/30/08 at 7:38 am
Carol said:
I just re-read the comments and have decided that Pickle Jar could also be “goodie drawer!” bwah…ha….ha….
On 06/30/08 at 11:20 pm
Kevin M. said:
You’re just lucky I was nowhere near a computer today.
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By the way… I would TOTALLY blow you and that invisible penis of yours. >:)
On 07/1/08 at 1:27 pm
Chris said:
DMTA.
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I wrote out my comment to the last thread before I read your comment! Nice to know I’m not the only simian about!
On 06/30/08 at 7:08 am
Meghan said:
Even just 5 years ago - my standards were soooooo different. It was more like - He has a decent car. He likes Mexican Food. That’s what along term relationship will do for you.
On 06/30/08 at 7:21 am
Meghan said:
And before I am accused of being a total she-male - thats not the case. I have my girly, hold me, I need to feel safe and am getting a mani/pedi side also. I love the right kind of man that can bring that out of me.
On 06/30/08 at 7:34 am
Karri said:
I’m a fragile flower growing in a brick wall.
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How do you like that one?
On 06/30/08 at 7:48 am
Meghan said:
That’s perfect. You can pluck me with the right words, but you are not going to blow my house down.
On 06/30/08 at 8:56 am
~Mrs. H~ said:
Who is the b!@#h leaving all the nasty comments?? She sounds jealous and insecure. Meghan, I love you and the blogs are always Grade A. Keep at it so I have some friendly humor and wit to share with those around me on days where boring clock watching gets old. Thank you and I’ll watch football with you anytime and we can be dirty mouth dock workers together!!! Mr. H always has some good laughs when your around!
On 06/30/08 at 9:01 am
Meghan said:
HA!!! Thanks so much for stopping by! I’d also like to thank you for putting up with my drunken Pros v Cons list - if only I had listened to you (or remembered making the list the next day!)
Thank Mr. H for me!
****KISSES****
On 06/30/08 at 9:03 am
Missygail said:
“I know far more about some of the qualities I am hoping to avoid than what might be considered my ‘type’.”
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I so agree… My boyfriends have been such a mixed bunch. I really don’t think one has ever been like the other.
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I don’t think I have a type.
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I know I want a guy that can accept the fact I have kids, but yet know that I’m not looking for a daddy replacement. You can’t use my kids as a way to get on my good side, you won’t meet them for at least six months into the relationship… if you bug me about meeting them you can hit the door running.
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I want a guy comfortable with the fact I’m going to school with hopes of finding a career to support myself. I don’t want to be ‘rescued’ and become someone’s housewife. I’m an independent woman or at least that’s what I hope to become. Anyone that gets in the way of that has to go.
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I don’t want a guy with any issues, I’ve dealt with my share of bi-polar men. I don’t want anyone who expects our relationship to ‘fix’ them.
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I want a guy that can be satisfied with the rare time I can spend with him. I’m a mom and I go to school (in the fall) and my free time is precious, sometimes I choose to spend this with my girlfriends.
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I’m 30 years old. I gave up my early twenties, being married and having children. I like the bar scene. I like going to rock concerts. I’m trying to regain the youth I didn’t get to have…. don’t like it? tough.
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Oh yeah, I fart and I burp just like a man. My wardrobe consists of jeans and tee shirts. Dressing up consists of a blouse and slacks. My closet has a rare skirt or two, most likely you won’t see it.
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I should see the men lining up any day now… ha, yeah right!
On 06/30/08 at 9:15 am
Meghan said:
I’m going to have that printed up on a T-shirt for you! Way to go!
I’m so glad that there are some strong and independent single mothers over here at EVE! I give mad props to each and every one of you for reclaiming your right to ‘Be’!
I can imagine when you are a mother, going to school raising your family that a man really has to accept the fact that he doesn’t come anywhere close to first…
On 06/30/08 at 8:24 pm
Missygail said:
I’d so wear that tee-shirt as long as the backside included all the things I’m not looking for in a man. Though of course then the shirt would probably be down past my knees.
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I broke up with a man who wanted to be first and didn’t understand the fact that I couldn’t make him first if I don’t even have time for myself…
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And speaking of Trendon’s weak men (down a comment or three) this man was one of those. He was always bitching and whining about what he didn’t have, as if the world was out to get him.
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Though he started getting jealous of my girlfriends and got all angry when I couldn’t go see him because of lack of gas money when I instead went to see my girlfriend who lived much closer.
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There aren’t a lot of real men left these days….
On 06/30/08 at 9:08 am
Judd the Invisible Junkman said:
Let’s discuss your singles ad headline. Can this guy be a bad driver? Just as long as he’s not an asshole while doing it? And what if he’s now taking the bus because of gas prices?
And what if that bus is short?
On 06/30/08 at 9:21 am
Meghan said:
Oh.My.God - you just made my day!
Thanks for stopping by!
Well - we all kind of think we are good at sex and driving, don’t we? There are only so many places you are going to catch me taking a bus to…but if he is trying to save a buck lets hope he’s not a prick and refuses to give up his seat to an elderly/pregnant/Pre-menstrual woman.
If the bus is short I will do the right thing, pat him on the head, hand him a lollipop and speak slowly - I’ve had to do it with other boyfriends - why not!
On 06/30/08 at 9:40 am
Trendon said:
Please understand I don’t care about just you, and only you and I will have ‘Girls Night’. When I do, please do not make veiled girl on girl jokes.
Good luck with that one. Men are the biggest faggots in the world nowadays. They are emotionally unstable, completely insecure, and repeatedly prone to overwhelming jealousy … and that is on a good day.
They have made it impossible for me to date or simply get laid. It is now a warzone out here as women expect to deal with this sort of behavior and get accustomed to it. If they - guy or girl - are 22-29 years old, it is tenfold worse.
You are going to have to settle for a weak-minded, limp-wristed bag of sobbing flesh sooner or later.
/Guy
On 06/30/08 at 9:46 am
Meghan said:
Yeesh…
‘limp-wristed bag of sobbing flesh’?? That’s not the kind of party I’m looking for!
On 06/30/08 at 10:15 am
Trendon said:
That’s what you got out there. I tend bar, I see these guys, they are pitiful. It saddens me to see my peers act as such. Unjustified jealousy, smothering women, crying - FUCKING CRYING! - and other non-men things. And it doesn’t matter how physically tough they are, either. A guy on my hockey team, who I wouldn’t fight if I had a bat, a Blackhawk helicopter and 10,000 swords, was blubbering about his ex-girl just a few weeks ago. It turns out he was your typical fag, smothering the girl, stalking her, and being all standoff-ish when she didn’t so much as provide him her GPS coordinates on an hourly basis. No wonder she fucked around on him. And don’t even get me started on relationships; if I lined up 100 of my friends - men and women - five women want a long-term deal and nearly every one of the guys does. Then, they ALL bitch and wish they were single once they were in the fucking relationship. Shit or get off the pot, slack-jaws!
Women are unquestionably the stronger and more emotionally-balanced gender. If you want a man, a good one, start using us. We respond better.
On 06/30/08 at 10:33 am
Meghan said:
Well…I’ll be! That last comment leads me to believe somewhere something heavy is flying out of a window…
Crying is a ‘non-men’ thing?
On 06/30/08 at 10:45 am
Trendon said:
Pretty much. Even Rod Stewart agrees. “Some guys have all the luck … some guys do nothing but complain.”
Either way, it is part and parcel of being a wimp. Men who have their shit together don’t cry over senseless shit like relationships. Marriages, yeah, let ‘er rip! But there is a growing legion of twentysomething men who cry over breakups. Pitiful. And, if you look into it, you find out it was symptomatic of their neediness in the first place and their inability to admit it. So, when the shit interfaces with the fan, they have no idea how to act but to cry. Others get angry and violent, they are just as fucking inbred as their crying brethren.
Perhaps I am too much of a Neanderthal because I so am. Your girl Trista knows me fairly well, ask her. I do not suffer fools lightly. So, despite the fact I should hand in my Man Card for even doing so, I side with the women.
I blame the role-models, actually. Men don’t look up to men anymore; they look up to wimpy, style-before-substance blue bloods nowadays like Timberlake and that fag Efron. That’s the gold standard for men today. I am more partial to Clive Owen, George Clooney, Christian Bale and Jason Statham. You think they get all weepy? L O L!
On 06/30/08 at 10:49 am
Meghan said:
You are damn lucky, DAMN LUCKY my friend you waited to the end to mention Clive Owen - I wouldn’t have been able to focus on anything else you said - in fact I had to go back and read the last 10 words just to wrap it up….
Mmmmmm…Clive Owen!!!!!!
On 06/30/08 at 11:00 am
bryan said:
why would one need any celebrity role-modles? Jason Statham is about as much of a role-model as timberlake. they are fucking celebs. who gives a fuck how they live, what they say, where they shit, how they fuck, what kind of music they like, how the dress, where they eat, or whether or not they like a finger in their ass when getting head. they are irrelevant.
“Women are unquestionably the stronger and more emotionally-balanced gender.” i can name many of instances where this quote is complete and utter nonsense. so maybe it isn’t about gender at all, some people are wimpy, some not. some have control of emotions, some haven’t a clue as to how it is done. I don’t think it is as cut and dry as whether one has a cock or a pussy.
On 06/30/08 at 11:16 am
Trendon said:
Wrong, Charles Barkley, they are role-models. They are on TV, usually doing pretty cool shit that appeals to men and boys alike. They may not be a role-model to YOU, but they are to most others. Please don’t confuse me with someone who thinks this is a good idea, though.
As for the other comment; they absolutely are. In my occupation of neighborhood psychiatrist, I have to hear these fucking nimrods complain about the same shit over and over and over again. It is never anything creative or new. So, you think maybe we’d learn. If we are sooooo sure women do ABC everytime XYZ happens, why the fuck is a big mystery? What is the problem?
They are pitiful messes and should be put out to pasture before they procreate and provide us with more coddled, ignorant men to further fuck the gender up.
On 06/30/08 at 11:32 am
Meghan said:
Wow! We got to 50 Comments and only one mention of the word ‘cock’. I’m impressed!
I know enough emotionally rattled women to say it is far too close of a match if we are making a gender call. For every man that is drowning on bar stool there is a text message from one of my girlfriends that says something like “Why doesn’t he listen to me, wahhhhh!”
On 06/30/08 at 11:38 am
Jime said:
Haha, funny thread. I blame this generation of pussies on the singular event of changing out sand in schoolyard playgrounds to wood chips. Cause wood chips are “safer”. Bunch of pussies. It’s not recess till somebody throws sand in yer eye!
On 06/30/08 at 11:45 am
Meghan said:
Damned Milk Fed Kids and their new fangled wood chips! In my day recess meant lodging gravel into your kneecaps and we liked it!
On 06/30/08 at 12:04 pm
Karri said:
And banging your head on the concrete when you fell off the monkey bars.
On 06/30/08 at 12:09 pm
Judd the Invisible Junkman said:
Out here in Califonia we’ve surpassed wood chips. Now we’ve got some sorta synthetic rubbery playground which helps prevents scrapes and bruises but likely increases the chance of getting mesophelioma.
Meghan skipped recess anyway, that’s how cool she was.
On 06/30/08 at 12:26 pm
Meghan said:
Oh Judd - what’s it been 15 years?
How’d you land your darling wife anyway - I’d love to see your singles ad!
On 06/30/08 at 12:35 pm
Jime said:
Well Judd, lemme tell you something else those “synthetic rubbery playgrounds prevent”–they prevent kids from growing balls. Hehee.
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Mesophelioma on the other hand…that’s the good stuff. Everybody knows you can’t have a proper education without rolling around in some asbestos first.
On 06/30/08 at 12:40 pm
Meghan said:
I think I’ll take the gravel in the knee or a splinter in my ass over my lungs bleeding green.
And Jime’s singles ad might include….
On 06/30/08 at 12:59 pm
Judd the Invisible Junkman said:
I met my wife at a bar, actually. Friend of a friend sorta thing. “You’re from Michigan? Me too!!” Didn’t start dating until meeting again a few months later at the wrap party for Terminator 3. So, I give Schwarzennegger credit for hooking us up. As we were leaving the party a homeless man with a Tom Waits voice said “You guys are gonna get married and have 8 chil’ren.” Truer words were never spoken, except for that whole “8 children” thing.
On 06/30/08 at 1:01 pm
Meghan said:
F-ing Schwarzennegger! I love it! If I start listening to the homeless men in Boston maybe I’ll find love…or maybe I’ll invade Poland - depends on the block.
On 06/30/08 at 1:02 pm
Jime said:
Hahaaa. I sure do miss those ass splinters. Makes me want to go find a rickety teeter-totter.
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My singles ad? Can’t I just post an obituary and pretend to be dead for a little while?
On 06/30/08 at 1:13 pm
Meghan said:
See - thats a SMASHING IDEA! And I would get 200% more sympathy from my Mother!
On 06/30/08 at 2:06 pm
Jime said:
Yeah, my mom used to be a tad short on sympathy, too. But then I started emailing her coffin pictures with little notes to let her know that I’m thinking of her comfort in the coming years. She’s WAY more sympathetic these days.
On 06/30/08 at 3:24 pm
Meghan said:
I’m not Catholic or Jewish - they seem to carry guilt better Agnostic Liberals.