Who gets to be on top?
September 22, 2008 · Print This Article
I have touched on the subject sexual submission in a past piece, and I got a bit of grief for it. Okay, in actuality I got attacked. A certain special someone who shall remain anonymous (because frankly he doesn’t deserve your time or attention) actually told me that my interest in the subject was “sick and disturbing.” And this was coming from a man that enjoys sex with animals, but I digress…
So no, dominance and submission is not about degradation. It is not about finding pleasure in the infliction of brutality. Simply put, it is about one party letting go and giving up their power for pleasure. It’s about sharing, trust, openness and of course, unabashed sexuality.
So this got me to wondering about the general public’s view on the subject. Do most people see this as degrading? Immoral? Disturbing? And I realized that though I wrote about submission, I never really discussed the other side, dominance. And because I believe in balancing the equation and lets face it, I heart hate mail, here we are!
So firstly, what exactly does it mean to be the “dominant” in sexual terms? To put it in the simplest of terms a dominant is the partner who is given control in a consensual power exchange. The dominant is the party who sets the tone and controls all the activity. This partner has the duty of taking charge and maintaining it.
Many couples just naturally have a more dominant partner and more submissive one. The actual sexual practice known as D/s just takes this a step further. Sure, some mix in some other fantasies and fetishes with it, such as role playing, bondage, or even the oh-so taboo sadomasochism, but those really are add-ons.
So what is proper domination? It is a balancing act. He or she must be in tune with their submissive partner; paying attention to and feeding off of their sexual responses while still remaining actively in control. It is hard to give an accurate ‘how to’ when it comes to domination, for it is not only highly objective but it also has a lot to do with what both you and your partner’s preferences are. Sometimes it is about physical control, for others it is verbal. It can be about who decides the where, when’s and how’s, or it can involve more elaborate schemes. The only things that MUST be present are my three C’s:
- Control
- Communication
- Caring
Keep these in mind and you and your partner should be just fine.
And now, for some comic relief to ease the (sexual) tension, here are several crucial characteristics of a talented and trustful dominant.
- You must be very self-aware. How are you going to get into the heart and soul of another if you do not know your own? You must know and be comfortable in your sexuality. And you must know your own limitation. If you aren’t comfortable having a girl at your feet crying “daddy, daddy, punish me!” best you know that ahead of time and make it clear to your partner.
- You must be able to retain self-control at all times. Oddly enough, if you aren’t maintaining control over self, you are going to fail miserably at maintaining control over another. You can also be quite dangerous if you cannot keep fantasy and reality straight within your own mind. A delusional whip-wielding man in my bed and me all tied up with nowhere to run? Me thinks not!
- You must have a sensual side. Pleasure is the point of all this. If everyone isn’t having a good time in the end, what’s the point? For example, a good spanking should be followed by a good rubdown. Because if you beat someone like a dog and then send them home without giving them a treat first chances are good you will not be seeing them again.
- You must study the craft. Any fool can pick up some rope and tell you they are into dominance and submission with bondage. But an excellent partner will educate themselves BEFORE they play. You should have knowledge of the various tools of whatever trade you are about to engage in, and also have some basic understanding of human anatomy if nothing else. Don’t learn that it is WRONG to flog someone in the kidney the hard way. Ouch…
- You must see your submissive partner as an equal. They are giving you a gift, that gift is power. Do not take that lightly. It does not mean that they do not have dignity and self-respect. Honor this person’s feelings and limitations at all times. And remember, when play time is over, you stand on even ground once more. No forcing your boyfriend to go to the store with you on a leash. Unless of course he likes that sort of thing.
Engaging in dominance and submission is not unlike engaging in any other sexual act with a consensual partner. Know when to push, and when to pull back. Do not get lost in your own fantasies and forget the living, breathing person lying/ kneeling/ strung up (ehm) before you. Be patient, get to know your partner, and strive to earn their trust, because that, more than the bondage ropes, is the tie that binds.
So what say you, friends and family o’ Eve? Should I feel bad about my love of being tossed around a bit in the bedroom? (Pssst…I totally don’t) How do you feel about dominance, submission, bondage, etc etc? How do you think it compares with bestiality? (Sorry, I had to ask…) And lastly, for those of you brave enough, I would love to know if you have a little of the old submissive or dominant in you! Share, please!
On 09/21/08 at 9:13 pm
Trista said:
Good morning, my friends, happy Monday.
Answer me this: Do you prefer to dominate…or submit? Or perhaps you like to switch?
And who loves that top pic as much as I do??
On 09/22/08 at 6:03 am
Cassie said:
lol
I prefer the second pic…just sayin!! LOL
On 09/22/08 at 6:49 am
Trista said:
hahahahaha…the first one just cracks me up!
On 09/22/08 at 7:50 am
Jime said:
Like the second one, too. Meoooow.
On 09/22/08 at 7:58 am
Trista said:
I like them all, really. =)
On 09/22/08 at 8:09 am
Karri said:
4,3,2,1…If I had to pick an order that is.
What? We’re not judging here, are we?
On 09/22/08 at 8:13 am
Jime said:
2, 4, 5, 3, 1.
No judgement, whatsoever.
On 09/22/08 at 8:17 am
Trista said:
2, 5, 3, 4, 1
=)
On 09/22/08 at 8:19 am
Karri said:
And now I’m just pissed that I can’t wear thigh highs…PFFFFT!
On 09/22/08 at 8:27 am
Jime said:
Aaagh, you got me hooked on 5, Trista. I’m changing my order to 2, 5, 4, 3, 1.
And, Karri, why can’t you wear thigh highs? Something is amiss.
On 09/22/08 at 8:33 am
Trista said:
She can wear em…shorty just has to have em custom ordered, ha! =P
On 09/22/08 at 8:40 am
Jime said:
Haaaaahahaaa. Nice. Well, stumpy legs are better than no legs, right Karri?
On 09/22/08 at 11:34 am
Karri said:
I suppose that depends on who you are. There are those who fancy stump humping.
On 09/22/08 at 11:56 am
Jime said:
Not to be confused with “taking a stump in the rump” or the infamous “hand pump plump”.
On 09/22/08 at 12:01 pm
Karri said:
I will never take a stump in the rump! But, if I were to become a stump, I hope to be humped by a hand, a pump or even a plump humper.
Train to hell now boarding!
On 09/22/08 at 12:22 pm
Jime said:
And I’m the first in line.
On 09/22/08 at 10:42 am
Phoenix said:
I happen to like the same order as Trista. Why am I not surprised.
2,5,3,4,1
On 09/22/08 at 10:45 am
Trista said:
Two is just ridiculously hot. Every time I look at it I feel all tingly.
On 09/22/08 at 10:49 am
Meghan said:
Eh, 2, 4, 3, 1, 5. I’m kinda over #5. I keep imagining a Nicholas Sparks novel…unless those are anal beads around his neck?
That would change everything!
On 09/22/08 at 10:54 am
Dr. Joker said:
I’d like the 3-2 combo with a side of broccoli.
No rice. I’m watching my carbs.
On 09/22/08 at 4:26 pm
Vic said:
watch them go right down your throat, Twinkie-lover…
On 09/22/08 at 6:08 am
Dr. Joker said:
“And who loves that top pic as much as I do??”
I do. I imagine the girl in chains singing “Don’t cry for me, Argentina.”
Oddly, this turns me on.
On 09/22/08 at 6:50 am
Trista said:
Why am I not shocked in the least?
On 09/22/08 at 4:27 pm
Vic said:
Shit… forgot to put a new 9-volt in the nipple clamps…
On 09/22/08 at 1:20 am
Elize said:
Outside the bedroom i am pretty dominant. I like things my way. I do like it when someone takes charge in the bedroom. Being tied up and/or blindfolded is a total rush.
I have to trust the person 110% though, else it won’t work.
On 09/22/08 at 6:53 am
Trista said:
I think that this is the case with a lot of people…we are so dominant and controlling during the day to day that it is nice to have someone that we can trust step in and take control of our sexual world sometimes.
So you would say for you a relationship has to be pretty established before you introduce this type of activity?
On 09/23/08 at 2:31 am
Elize said:
yes. I have to trust the person. 110%. know that he won’t whip out the camera
On 09/22/08 at 2:47 am
lisaq said:
I’m completely with Elize. Outside the bedroom is one thing; inside I’m much more comfortable having someone else take the lead.
On 09/22/08 at 4:10 am
Sarahh said:
It really depends on my mood what I am on what my preference is. Sometimes I like it romantic and sweet, sometimes I like a good spanking just like the next girl. I don’t think there is anything wrong with submission as long as there is communication between both parties.
And don’t get me started on the goat track again.
*Shops for new thigh highs*
On 09/22/08 at 4:12 am
Sarahh said:
That first sentence makes no sense. I am going to go pour some coffee over it and hope that I will be coherent within the hour.
Wish me luck.
On 09/22/08 at 6:55 am
Trista said:
hahahahahhaaaa! yeah, I have a tendency to start typing before I am awake too…
what does that say about us??
Baaaaaaa…
On 09/22/08 at 8:04 am
Jime said:
Yeah, it really depends what I am on too. Like being on a cold tile floor, or on the rough matted carpet in my office, OR crammed onto the bathroom stall of a really nice restaurant. Those kind of things can affect preference. Or even roughing it, pounding wood while pressed on a fallen log in the forest.
Good point Sarahh, being on the sturdy, cherrywood frame of a kitchen table is much different than snuggling close inside the warrens of a soft comforter and mattress.
On 09/22/08 at 8:16 am
Trista said:
I saw pounding wood and my eyes glazed over.
Where am I??
On 09/22/08 at 4:29 pm
Vic said:
Yet you claim to have “lost” the mahogany monster.
Suuuuuuure.
On 09/23/08 at 5:02 pm
Proph said:
So I stop coming around the blog for a bit and Trista starts ogling someone else’s pounding wood … DAMN.
I shall have to come back so you can praise my sentence structure…and maybe while your at it you can gaze at my dangling participle… check it:
“Deciding to view my sentence structure, Trista desperately yearned for the chance to (ahem) correct me.”
On 09/23/08 at 5:12 pm
Trista said:
Do you want me to also point out the incorrect ‘your’ up there…or no?
Kisses!
On 09/22/08 at 9:40 am
Sarahh said:
When I re-read it, I thought people are going to think I mean Depending on what medication I am on.
But I like the pounding wood theory much better.
On 09/22/08 at 9:45 am
Jime said:
Oh, hehe, trust me, your possible drug addictions were the first thought that crossed my mind. But that was before other, more pressing thoughts er, swelled, and intruded.
On 09/22/08 at 11:03 am
Meghan said:
Hahahaa! I thought that too…sex is so much different on Disco Biscuits!
It just took me 4 tries to spell biscuit…what the hell am I on?
On 09/22/08 at 11:50 am
Jime said:
Namenda®?
On 09/22/08 at 4:30 pm
Vic said:
What the hell is a disco biscuit?
You kids and your newfangled lingo!
*shakes fist*
On 09/22/08 at 4:32 pm
Meghan said:
X or ludes, depending on the type of disco you are talking about.
I saw it on VH1…
On 09/22/08 at 4:38 pm
Vic said:
Oh.
Been there, done that. I think. Can’t talk about it much, because the statute of limitations hasn’t expired. Damned state of California and its “age of consent” crap…
On 09/22/08 at 4:28 pm
Vic said:
What?
What about when you’re on the fourth vodka tonic? That means a great night for Vic!!!
On 09/22/08 at 4:34 am
~Lori~ said:
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with it, so many freak out on the whole thing. I love the idea of submissive, maybe because I’m just tired of having control and tons responsibility thrown on my shoulders, ;p Anyhow though, it is a matter of trust to an extreme, and unfortunately, the special ones in my life, couldn’t hang with the idea what-so-ever.
On 09/22/08 at 6:59 am
Trista said:
I think it is funny that so many have this preconceived notion about the practice…and yet MOST couples tend to participate in a mild version…naturally.
For me, being able to be submissive doesn’t mean being gagged and hog-tied every night…it just means I want my partner to take control, guide me, etc. Your guy might already be into it and not know it! =P
On 09/22/08 at 5:03 am
Anne said:
I prefer the fishnets and pink cheek picture.
I also prefer to submit; and believe it’s the more powerful of the two choices. Sumission does require trust but also permission. If I don’t okay the act it’s not happening.
On 09/22/08 at 7:00 am
Trista said:
Exactly. This aspect was discussed in my first article, the one on submission. =)
And I like that pic too…if liking fishnets is wrong, I don’t want to be right!
On 09/22/08 at 10:33 am
Anne said:
Hmm, I’ll have to go back and find that article.
On 09/22/08 at 10:38 am
Trista said:
Click the red words “sexual submission” in that first paragraph. =)
On 09/22/08 at 5:17 am
Squish said:
I am typically a Sub, but only with those who will understand and let me be in control now and again. Why should I trust someone to tie me up, blindfold and/or gag me if they are unwilling to trust me to do the same to them? That just seems sketchy to me.
On 09/22/08 at 7:02 am
Trista said:
I actually like to switch it up too…but I’d say it’s a 80/20 or split for me.
On 09/22/08 at 5:33 am
Dr. Joker said:
I’ve never been in a submissive position. The boundaries of my dominance are defined by what my partner allows. However, I have yet to find a woman who isn’t aroused by my penchant for throwing pastrami on her face during sexual intercourse and screaming “Eat it, bitch!”
On 09/22/08 at 7:06 am
Trista said:
Does it have to be pastrami? The smell offends my olfactory system…
I prefer bologna…the one with the first name of O-S-C-A-R
On 09/22/08 at 7:43 am
Dr. Joker said:
Oh, I use bologna every once in awhile…but I like to cut little eye and mouth holes in it before I do.
Bologna Masks are all the rage these days.
On 09/22/08 at 7:59 am
Trista said:
As long as you aren’t camping…because I hear bears looooove bologna.
On 09/22/08 at 10:55 am
Dr. Joker said:
So do ponies.
That’s what I hear.
On 09/22/08 at 4:34 pm
Vic said:
The only way to fling a bologna smile is when she in the reverse huckabuck and you can hear the “whap!” of it smacking on her ass. If you throw enough of them at her butt, it looks like a cocktail party during an earthquake!
On 09/23/08 at 5:07 pm
Proph said:
Bologna masks…and may I add Funyun earings …good for kinky sex aaand a very likely disguise for the bank robbers in the forthcoming sequal to Pointbreak.
Pointbreak Two: Bank heist Bugaboo… it’s a working title folks.
On 09/22/08 at 5:46 am
cigar smoking lawyer said:
Too each thier own.
On 09/22/08 at 7:06 am
Trista said:
Even the bestiality thing? Just curious…
On 09/22/08 at 10:57 am
Dr. Joker said:
Another opportunity for me to mention ponies a second time on this page.
Giddyap.
On 09/22/08 at 1:31 pm
cigarsmokinglawyer said:
if that is YOUR thing and the goat consents. Clearly not everything goes - there are limits age etc etc, but what consenting adults do is pretty much their business
On 09/22/08 at 2:49 pm
Karri said:
“If the goat consents?”
Please explain to me exactly how that is accomplished, I’m curious.
On 09/22/08 at 5:55 am
Cassie said:
As long as no one is having to do anything against their will, ANYTHING is fair game!!!
Now, there are alot of things I wouldn’t do and some things that I do not understand where the pleasure comes from, but as long as I am not affected by these acts, let’s everyone have a bit of fun!!!
On 09/22/08 at 7:08 am
Trista said:
“As long as no one is having to do anything against their will, ANYTHING is fair game!!!”
That is the key right there, my friend!
Will you share some of the WILL NOT DO stuff?
On 09/22/08 at 7:57 am
Cassie said:
No one will ever piss on me, shat on me, no sex involving animals(unless it’s a rabbit!! LOL), no hardcore S & M shit(I got beat enough as a child and don’t need a spanking now)…no furries(that is some creepy shit), I’d never stray into same sex..sex and I’m sure there is plenty more, I just can’t think of them right now!! LOL
On 09/22/08 at 8:01 am
Trista said:
Ewwww…no piss and shit for me either, thanks. I just fail to see the sensuality in THAT!
On 09/22/08 at 8:28 am
Karri said:
Really, ladies? Piss and shit so early in the morn?
On 09/22/08 at 9:39 am
Sarahh said:
Is it really a Monday if we haven’t covered Piss and Shit and an occasional Goat??
Me thinks not.
On 09/22/08 at 11:17 am
Cassie said:
No see, THAT’s EXACTLY what I was thinking!! hahahahahahh
On 09/22/08 at 3:43 pm
Carol said:
I have to stop laughing to start thinking. In all honesty, I think the whole D/S turn on must be in