Why CAN’T we be friends?
February 18, 2008 · Print This Article
“Friendless I can never be, for all mankind are my kindred…”
~Charles Dickens
Friendship to me is one of the most valuable gifts the world has bestowed upon humanity. Our friends are proud of us when we are at our best and they lift us up when we are at our worst. Friends know your flaws and shortcomings…and they love you anyway.
So what about cross-sex friendships? Are they an appealing but impossible ideal? Will the sexual tension always exist like a great wall between you? Will jealous significant others disallow friendships with the opposite sex? Or perhaps it is as straightforward as men and women simply being too different.
To all this I say BOOOOO! Of course men and women can and should be friends. The old school belief that women and men can only co-exist in romantic relationships needs to be stuffed into a closet with the sweaters Aunt Gladys gets for you each and every Christmas. This is archaic thought from a bygone era. The truth is not only are men and women able to be platonic friends, but they actually benefit from these friendships. These opposite sex friendships call for both sexes to utilize parts of themselves that are usually ignored or hidden when relating to same-sex friends. For men, women allow expression of emotions and experience of vulnerability; they can get in touch with their more tender side. For women, friendship with men helps to explore a more reasoned, and tougher side; the tougher edge that is not always encouraged in relationships with women.
Are their obstacles to overcome? Well, sure. But where is the reward without the challenge?
Defining the Relationship
Platonic love is a reality…people just aren’t too good at identifying it. The key is to overcome your cultural beliefs and ideals and go with your gut. You like this person a ton, but this isn’t someone you see yourself dating or marrying? Bingo. You have found yourself a friend.
Overcoming Attraction
Here’s the reality check: of course sexual tension is a distinct possibility in a male/female friendship. Is it difficult to ignore? Sure. Is it impossible to move beyond it? Of course not. Unless you got into this friendship because you wanted more with this person and simply took what you could get. In that case you are not really being a friend at all, are you?
Establishing Boundaries
Women aren’t usually going to want to wrestle or play bloody knuckles or have farting contests. Men aren’t usually going to want to go to the salon, watch ‘The Notebook’ or shop for…anything really. This is where equality comes into play too, watch the flirting and ladies…do not fall back on the whole guys pay BS; you treat this guy like a boyfriend and things will start to get weird, fast.
The Public Eye
Unfortunately society is going to have a hard time accepting this, even if you do. You will have to deal with staring strangers and questioning friends and family members. You will get the “Friends? Riiiight…” crap. Guys, expect the “You aren’t doing her? What are you, a fag?” line. And what will you have to do? Simply ignore it. This is a fantastic lesson on being mature and whatnot.
The Significant Others
First off, your friend should respect the space you need with your partner and your partner should in turn respect your friendship. If you are the partner all you have to do is be such a great girlfriend/boyfriend that someone would have to be crazy to cheat on you… easy, yeah? And if you are the one with the opposite sex friend, you need to make smart choices. This means not putting yourself in situations that might be seen as romantic…keeping the flirting at bay…etc. Having lunch with your opposite sex pal at the Olive Garden=good. Taking the booze cruise to Cancun, just the two of you=bad. You get the picture. The bottom line is honesty and communication between all parties. You know…being grown-ups?
So can men and women be friends? Yes, yes they can. Should they be friends? Again, yes. Through my male friends I have learned to be more assertive, and also less sensitive. My friendships with men are light, carefree and fun; they are my brothers. Plus they give me someone to watch football with when my dad isn’t around. And I hope that in return I have given my male friends a safe place to be emotional and to share their feelings. I hope that they know I am always there…whether it’s to help them decipher girl code or to pick out new shoes for them.
Both men and women gain insights from their cross sex friendship that they just cannot get from their same sexed ones. We gain diversity…and we gain a new perspective. I think that learning to grow and communicate with the opposite sex on a platonic level can only help us in our romantic relationships of the present and the future…if we simply learn to properly harness the power within them.
On 02/18/08 at 9:21 am
Fiona said:
I’m glad someone is finally on the same page as me. My Dars and I have been friends for over 12 years now, he’s been there for me through divorce, moving countries and having a kid… I’ve been there for him through crappy relationships and family issues. He is my rock and my shoulder to cry on and I couldn’t imagine life without him…… I also couldn’t imagine life married to him.
We play pool, drink beer and tell nasty jokes. I’m his moral compass and his cooking teacher, he’s my reminder to just let go.
I’ve always hated when people have said it will go to crap because men and women can’t be friends…. I say 12 years is proof men and women CAN be friends.
On 02/18/08 at 9:36 am
Trista said:
“We play pool, drink beer and tell nasty jokes. I’m his moral compass and his cooking teacher, he’s my reminder to just let go.”
~I love this. This is EXACTLY what I am talking about. People that are open to cross-sex friendships end up more well rounded than people who stubbornly believe it cannot be done.
On 02/18/08 at 10:24 am
Allagash said:
I have to say I’ve tried very hard to be “just friends” with a woman, and I’ve never been able to, for the very reason that Billy Crystal states in “When Harry Met Sally”……the “sex thing always gets in the way”. One of us, or both of us, always has that in the back of our minds, or maybe in the FRONT of our minds…LOL.
It’s just one of those things I’venever been able to do, despite trying.
On 02/18/08 at 3:28 pm
Cassie said:
I totally agree. I love my guy friends…mainly b/c MOST of the females around in my life get tired of my raunchy jokes and such. The guys just laugh! LOL
On 02/18/08 at 4:02 pm
Trista said:
“I have to say I’ve tried very hard to be “just friends” with a woman, and I’ve never been able to, for the very reason that Billy Crystal states in “When Harry Met Sally”……the “sex thing always gets in the way”. One of us, or both of us, always has that in the back of our minds, or maybe in the FRONT of our minds…LOL.”
Perhaps you are just too much of a sexy bitch, hmmm?
Come on! Cop out!
On 02/18/08 at 4:08 pm
Trista said:
Exactly, Cassie. I can talk about things with my guy friends that are just too raunchy for most of my girl friends.
And if the subject matter is too raunchy for the guys…I go to Karri. =)
On 02/18/08 at 4:31 pm
Karl Rove said:
Great blog. I agree with you completely, especially since I have one female friend in particular that I can think of (who is currently dating someone else). The overcoming attraction part? That’s a lot harder than it sounds. Do I want more out of our friendship? Yeah. But will I respect her current relationship? Yep. Of course, I doubt she feels the same way I do, so it doesn’t really matter, I guess.
On 02/18/08 at 5:24 pm
Trista said:
The question, Karl, is whether you would enter a relationship with this woman if she were unattached.
I often wonder how many men are ‘friends’ with women simply because they are biding their time? Or perhaps things start that way, but then darn it if that woman doesn’t grow on you and end up become a genuine friend?
Just my thoughts…anyone with an opinion on it feel free to chime in…
On 02/18/08 at 6:07 pm
Carol said:
I have close male friends and my boyfriend is cool with them. I can’t imagine NOT having their presence in my life just because I won’t share my bed with them. Conversely, I don’t think they want to ever see the day I am not in their lives, as well. I am their sounding board and partner-in-crime, on occasion. I help them pick up women on occasion, too. Mostly, we have our talk time and stay connected in the ways which are respectful to our respective romantic partners.
I will say this. I think women have a much bigger issue with female friends than the men seem to have with male friends. But, that could just be the case in the south, too.
On 02/18/08 at 6:19 pm
Trista said:
“I will say this. I think women have a much bigger issue with female friends than the men seem to have with male friends.”
I think this is very true Carol, and it definitely applies out here in the west as well. I am not sure if it speaks of self esteem issues or trust issues. Perhaps a bit of both?
I think mostly men don’t trust other men…
On 02/18/08 at 7:32 pm
chomsky at the bit said:
I don’t think this topic is “one size fits all”. For some people opposite sex friendships are a no brainer and an important part of the maturation process,For some they are most likely a risky venture at best. Some people are not capable of handling a platonic relationship with the opposite sex, especially if they have a tendancy to equate intimacy with (a) love or (b) sex, without the risk of damaging their self esteem. Unfortunately, quite a few people have a latent tendency to equate intimacy with one or the other.
Their is always some level of attraction in an opposite sex friendship, of course some might make a parallel argument about same sex friendships. It really depends on the parties involved, their personality strengths and defficiencies, and their ability to recognize and adapt their personalities as needed. I just believe that there is no one right answer on the subject. There are far too many variables involved to say yes or no, and be certain. There’s alot of gray area to be had.
Of, course that’s just my opinion.
On 02/18/08 at 7:42 pm
Trista said:
“Some people are not capable of handling a platonic relationship with the opposite sex, especially if they have a tendancy to equate intimacy with (a) love or (b) sex, without the risk of damaging their self esteem. Unfortunately, quite a few people have a latent tendency to equate intimacy with one or the other.”
Isn’t this a case of maturity, or lack thereof? Being able to differentiate between intimacy/closeness and sexual attraction, and also intimacy/closeness and romantic love…this usually comes with emotional development.
I am saying men and women can and should be friends with one another. I never said it wouldn’t take work, or a certain level of maturity. But then again, don’t all valuable relationships with our fellow man require this?
On 02/19/08 at 3:53 am
Jeff said:
Wait a minute. You said you loved me T! Ohhh… but not like “that”?! I get it. Well you could have just sent a private message, instead of making our business everybody’s business….Well either way Wiltmslt, *which by the way will in fact be the last time I’ll refer to as that, just cause the joke may have gotten old* but either way, I love you. And you make many valid points! But at the same time, you never know… jk? I’m playing, kind of. It is the lack of sleep talking. I will re-read this comment tomorrow, and wonder what the fuck I just wrote some of it for… P.S. Lovin the site here, still, like I knew I would! Peace, and Much Love!
On 02/19/08 at 8:56 am
Trista said:
Jeff, darlin’ you know I love you. And I’ll always be your wiltmslt.
On 02/19/08 at 10:06 am
Rex said:
I was gonna write something, but everyone covered all the bases.
On 02/19/08 at 10:30 am
Rex said:
One quasi-personal question, however…
How does become the friend with benefits? I’ll explain how this is relevant to the blog. *ahem* I have absolutely no problem with having friendships with women. In fact, that’s all I have. When I date a girl, 9 out of 10 times, she won’t like me “that way” yet still keep me around. Since I’m a “great guy” and all that bullshit. So we’re essentially platonic. OK.
Yet this somehow makes her believe she can open up about everything, including her highs and lows with her other male friends whom she has a sexual friendships with. a) What in the shit? b) What am I, a fucking patsy? c) I want pancakes.
On 02/19/08 at 12:42 pm
Karl Rove said:
I did not start the friendship because I wanted to start a relationship. We both used to work together at a crappy job, although we weren’t really friends when we worked together. We did have a conversation one day about how we were both moving away and we found out that we were moving to the same city, which I guess was the start of the friendship. So yes, I did enter into the friendship without a relationship in mind.
That’s just my story though. I’m sure other people have all sorts of different experiences and opinions on the subject.
On 02/19/08 at 1:26 pm
Trista said:
“How does become the friend with benefits?”
You ask real nice.
I kid, I kid.
The friends with benefits relationship must spring forth from the strong sexual attraction betwixt two complete commitment-phobics.
And I got your pancakes riiiiight here. Stop ditching me.
On 02/19/08 at 5:57 pm
Jeff said:
Always huh? I really like the sound of that. Unless it changed to, Widmslt. If you understand that, I will love you even more! Your knowledge and passion for what you do, is desirable! You are one classy Woman! I, for one, am glad to know you!
On 02/19/08 at 5:57 pm
Rex said:
Are they complementary?
Who am I kidding, there’s always a price to pay…
Strong sexual attraction huh? Well I can forget that.
Expect to read a blog about prostitution in the near future.
On 02/19/08 at 6:56 pm
Trista said:
Do? Why Jeff…I’m blushing.
On 02/19/08 at 9:00 pm
Jeff said:
Well I think blushing girls are fucking sexy! You did come very very close. Close enough for me to indeed love you more! However, when I wrote that, I think I used the past tense version. So, do, did, same thing right? Actually no, I like your version much better, cause that would make me assume it was a regular type thing? I don’t know? You like blushing? Cause I like you blushing…
On 02/20/08 at 8:09 am
Jason said:
My take on this is a little bit different I think. First of all I want to state that probably 90% of my close friends are of the opposite sex (females), and I have no trouble maintaining those relationships. In fact many of those women I have been good friends with for 10 years plus now. And the way I am able to do that and detach from wanting them in a romantic fashion is that I look for a “dealbreaker” in them. I try and find something about them that is NOT what I want from a partner. And when I am able to find such a characteristic or quality I am able to view them as only a friend. Even though many of them are very physically attractive.
That being said I have a new dilemma on my hands. I have a “friend” whom I am attracted to on every level imaginable. We have tried dating and unfortunately even though at one time we both viewed each other in a romantic fashion, certain situations have arisen that now we both no longer feel that way. We both love spending time with one another, we talk for hours on end, and we are both emotionally attached to one another. But I cannot find the “dealbreaker” that I need to detach from my romantic feelings towards her. And we are very open and have discussed it throughly and honestly. But right now we are at a bit of a loss on how to proceed. Neither of us want to lose the other person, and we have tried to cease contact with one another in the past, but unfortunately we both mean too much to each other. Any suggestions for how we should proceed?
On 02/20/08 at 10:37 am
mai said:
for two women going from friends to lovers and back to friends it just as hard. i don’t know if you can ever be friends with someone that you love or have and attraction with. two lesbians can be friends as long as one doesn’t have feelings for the other one then it just get way to complicated.
On 02/20/08 at 6:26 pm
Jeullena said:
Wow Jason, I’ll come back and write about that abit later because I’ve had the same problem with a friend of mine, myself being in your shoes. Unless your name really starts with a ‘C’? LOL
On 02/21/08 at 12:16 am
Jason said:
Hey at this point any input is appreciated
On 02/21/08 at 6:25 am
Trista said:
Jason…I think I need to understand WHY before I can give you any sort of answer. Because if you can’t find any “deal breaker” as you say in this one, I am having trouble understanding why you both “no longer feel that way.” Because I don’t know about her but it sounds like you still do very much “feel that way.”
E-mail me if you want, or we can keep doing this in the comments…whatever you want, my friend.
T
On 02/21/08 at 10:52 am
Jason said:
Actually you are correct. I still have romantic feelings and intentions. I worded it poorly above, what I meant was that not both of us still feel that way. I most definately still do and my friend is certainly aware of this. However, the issue is that we are very emotionally involved with one another, and continue to play very active roles in each others lives. My concern I suppose is how to overcome the romantic aspect. She is ok with being just friends, but we both know that chances are that my feelings toward her have a high likelyhood of complicating our relationship further.