Why women suck

You know what sucks about women? You just can’t argue with them.  You know what sucks about men? They don’t have vaginas.

Yeah I said it… and I meant it… well half of it anyways. I’m actually glad men don’t have vaginas… it’s awkward enough being in a locker room without having to watch a member of the 80 year old racquet-ballers clique haphazardly towel their craggily ball-ginas as their wilted willie flops about with each brush of the scrotulabia; thereby providing a distinctly frightening and grotesquely memorable visual display of Newton’s third law of motion.

Now I understand that visual may have completely disgusted (and/or confused) many of you … my apologies.

But know that the desire you have to wipe your mental palate clean of the distastefulness inherent in the aforementioned mental image, even when paired with your desire to read a sentence in this article that is not an incoherent run-on, in no way exceeds my desire to expound upon the absolute suck-tacity that is a women’s attempt at coherent disagreement.

And with that bit of forthright rambling out of the way, please allow me to present the 3 purely scientific reasons why women are incapable of effective argument:

1. Because they’re women.

This would seem to be a shallow and chauvinistic argument to some… but rest assured that those who disagree are most likely women and -scientifically speaking- illogical. As was just previously stipulated….women are incapable of arguing logically. Now that this fact has twice been stated, there should be no need to argue the merit of this scientific conclusion because the fact itself has been stated… and supported.  Now I know what some of you ladies are thinking; “I am women hear me roar… in numbers too big to ignore etc… and this line of reasoning is absolute bullshit!” Just cool your jets ladies, it’ll all be ok. Do you really want to argue with the sagacity of the very first reason on this list? Really? You do realize that this reason can’t argue back… because it’s not a person. So, cease and desist before you further make a fool of yourself. Your anger at this line of logic is just a mask you wear to hide your confusion. It’s all alright …shhh…the truth can be cruel.

2. Generally speaking, women anger more easily when faced with criticism.

Now ladies if you’re having trouble buying this argument as well… I’d suggest you remember how angry you got while reading the last paragraph. Calm down… take a deep breath … (exhale) don’t let your stomach get tangled up in knots… (Inhale)  let’s stop the bloating before it begins. Just remember its ok, it’s not your fault that you can’t argue…nothing is your fault. You’re perfect just the way you are.  Ok? Ok.

Now most social scientists agree that the reason women are maladapted to handle criticism is in large part due to their inability to logically consider an idea that they, themselves did not voice. Some scientists have theorized that women would be far more receptive to criticism if men could more accurately mimic the tonal qualities of their women folk. This theory is interesting but quite risky in practice. Unfortunately the vast majority of men fail to adequately recreate the speech  of their significant other and end up being assailed with complaints of mockery and may inadvertently forfeit their rights to sexy time for  indefinite periods of time.

This brings me to my last point…

3. Women have no sense of humor.

Women take 91.3 percent of all arguments seriously. They then levy punishments willy nilly until they have been apologized to, forgotten why they were punishing you and perhaps who you are, or otherwise been distracted by shiny trinkets in the surrounding area.  Women will take a phrase here or an opinion there, twist the meaning and take it completely out of context…  then damn you with your words.   Some women will even look for a reason to be offended by… now this is purely hypothetical… let’s say, humorous prevarications in a blog, for example.  And why do they get so offended? Because this reaction has proven to be very effective in the on-going effort to collect shiny trinkets. Anyhow…

What women fail to realize-or choose to disregard- is that, from a male perspective, an argument doesn’t always beget anger. Sometimes it just gives us an opportunity to talk to you about something else other than the way that girl at El Pollo Loco looked at you… or the injustices suffered unto you by way of L’Oreal and Neutrogena,  Some arguments are meant to be purely speculative… others are purely in good fun. Sometimes …an argument is the only effective way to ward off a barrage of trivial bitching. And sometimes it’s the only way to get you to have sex with us. And who doesn’t love make up sex… hypothetically speaking of course.

Sing the praises or throw your verbal stones at our male guest writer down below.  ( I cannot believe I sleep with him…)